How To Have Sex With Helen Of Troy

How to Have Sex With Helen of Troy

Copyright Notice: by Sergiu Somesan. All rights reserved.

The above information forms this copyright notice:

© 2025 by Sergiu Somesan.

All rights reserved.

How to have sex with Helen of Troy? To that question, I thought I was the only person in the world who could answer, even though the answer was there for all to see. Besides, eventually I found out from her that I wasn't the only one who knew this secret. On the other hand, I should warn you: be careful what you wish for, because sometimes life gives you a lot of things, and the most beautiful dreams turn into nightmares.

But to appease your curiosity, let me start from the beginning.

For as long as I can remember, I've been a dreamer, and I've always had dreams that everyone thought were unrealistic. Most of them were, but some, with some little effort on my part, were perfectly possible.

In short, in order to have sex with Helen of Troy you had to have ten thousand dollars and be 18! The first condition was relatively easy to fulfill, even if I had to walk all the dogs in the neighborhood since I was 15, for a fee of course, and mow the lawn of those who were too lazy to do it. And that's how I saved dollar after dollar and had my ten thousand dollars long before I turned 18.

Coming of age turned out to be harder than I thought, because time had its own rhythm and I found no way to rush it. In anticipation of the happy day, I papered my bedroom walls with pictures of Helen of Troy (they were actually pictures of Diane Kruger, the actress who played Helen in the movie of the same name) and night after night I fell asleep with her in my eyes. Sometimes, but rarely, it would cross my mind that the real Helen might not look anything like Diane Kruger, but I told myself that since Paris kidnapped her and an entire war was fought over her, she couldn't be too ugly after all.

Oh, and one more little detail: to carry out your plan, you need to go on the Dark Web and find a company that specializes in organizing time travel tours. You'll see that there are plenty of them, but you need to find one that has somewhere within the offerings a little detail that may escape a fleeting glance. It has to be specified that the trips are with completion and this, as a friend whispered to me, refers to the fact that you can pick a famous woman from history and have sex with her. How exactly that happens? My friend couldn't tell me, but he swore it's true.

In our little town there were about seven companies that organized time trips, but only one of them specified at the end of the advertisement that they also organized trips with completion and specified the two conditions necessary for such time trips: the candidate must be 18 years old and have ten thousand dollars. The other companies were organizing trips for as little as a thousand dollars, so I realized that this company was the one I was looking for.

So, the day after I turned 18, with my driver's license in one hand and ten thousand dollars in the other (actually the money was in my pocket, but it sounds more interesting that way), I showed up at the Retro Voyages office.

I was a little ashamed, but I pushed myself forward, ready at any moment to say that I had the wrong building and turn back. Luckily for me there was a nice young lady in the front office of the company who as soon as she saw me coming in, she met me and said, "Hi, I'm Olivia and I will be your host if you would like to use our services."

She smiled warmly and added, "But in order for us to move forward, a few little formalities have to be completed, and the first is to put your phone here in this safe and I'll scan you to see that you don't have anything special on you. Is that okay with you?"

I was too shy and afraid that my voice would be too hoarse if I answered, so I just nodded my head in agreement.

After I put the phone in the safe, she scanned me with a tiny device that to my relief didn't scream at the fancy watch I was holding, then with the same kind smile she motioned me to a comfortable armchair and she sat down in another one, right next to me.

"The second formality," she said, "would be to show me an ID proving that you are 18, because, excuse me, but you look very young."

I took my driver's license out of my pocket and gave it to her. She scanned it with his phone and must have somehow verified that it was original, because she nodded approvingly.

She then gave it back to me and said, "Nice to meet you, Thomas Reed. I hope you read on our page that for such a trip, you have to pay ten thousand dollars in cash."

I shook my head without saying anything and took the ten thousand dollars from my jacket pocket and handed it to her.

She took them, counted them and got up and put them in a drawer in the reception desk.

"As you realize, we can't give you any receipts, but I can assure you that you will be entirely satisfied with our services."

I straightened my voice, and for the first time, I had the courage to speak.

"A good friend of mine told me that I can pick a woman from the past and travel back in time until I meet her and then have sex with her. Is that true?"

Her smile grew brighter, and a little amused, and she seemed to enjoy discussing the subject. Now I think the shyer the sex solicitor was, her pleasure was as greater.

"It's exactly as your friend has told you, and I'm here to answer all your questions and concerns. Do you have any such questions?"

"Yes, I'd like to know if I go back in time and meet the woman I want, how do I know she will want to have sex with me?"

She pulled out from the drawer where she had put the money on a bracelet that had a device the size of an oversized watch attached to it and showed it to me.

"On this bracelet that you will wear the whole time you are traveling in the past there is a green button that if you press while this device is pointed at a woman, this woman will fall fatally in love with you and for 24 hours during the trip she will be at your service and will be delighted to have sex and anything else you want with you."

I smiled for the first time since I walked in there.

"I could use a bracelet like that in my everyday life. Do you have any for sale?"

She sobbed slightly because I probably wasn't the only one who asked her this question and she answered me amused, "Unfortunately, such bracelets are only for time travel and do not work in our time. From the factory, they only activate after the time travel begins and its effect is only for 24 hours."

I looked around at the posters of beautiful women hanging on the walls of the office but Helen of Troy, at least the way I thought she should look, I didn't see so I asked, "How do I know which woman I can choose for this time travel? Can I choose any woman, or is there any restriction?"

She probably had to answer that question many times because she answered too quickly.

"There are only three women throughout history who are completely inaccessible to you. In fact, one of the three might finally be accessible after the fulfillment of a small and painful condition.

She pointed to a young girl on a poster who looked rather like a child and said, "The first of the bans refers to the Virgin Mary, and I think you realize why. Plus, if the Catholics were to find out that we had such a thing on offer, within 24 hours, there would be no stone left on our premises."

I nodded that I understood, and she continued pointing to another poster.

"The second ban concerns Joan of Arc, France's emblematic maiden. We are quite close to New Orleans, so all the French in the city would come to burn us at the stake, just like happened eventually with Joan of Arc. I think you realize that and you'll get over it."

I looked at the girl on the poster and decided she wasn't my type anyway, so I asked, "And the third ban refers to whom?"

The posters on the walls were actually high-resolution monitors, and with the help of a remote control, she made a young but rather common woman appear in Joan of Arc's place. This one would not have tempted me in any way.

"This is Eva!" Olivia introduced her.

Seeing that I rolled my eyes, she said, "Adam's pair in Eden."

I started stuttering: "But well, I thought Eve was just a myth, a biblical legend, and nothing more."

"As you can see, she's as real as real can be and after all the time she spent in Eden with Adam and the snake, I don't think you'll even need our bracelet to whet her sexual appetite."

"Well, okay, but you said I'm banned from her. Not that I'm interested."

Olivia sighed, puzzled, but eventually explained why.

"Anyone who wants to travel back in time and have sex with Eve must first have a total and permanent vasectomy. The reason is more complex, but our specialists have explained to me that they don't want to mess up the genealogy of mankind from the very beginning. That's why we had to take this precautionary measure because at some point there were people who wanted to have sex with Eve just to make her pregnant and make them feel that they were the founders of mankind. And that's also why we don't trust that such exalted people would use a condom when having sex with Eve."

I looked around at the posters-monitors and saw only beautiful women but no names underneath them to figure out who they really were, so I asked:

"Okay, and how did you get hold of these pictures because I see you've compiled a real catalog?"

"Well, we had been operating for a couple years, so we sent drones back in time to photograph the most famous women. We actually have a whole catalog and if someone wants to have sex with a woman who is not in our catalog, for a pretty small additional fee, only a couple hundred dollars, we can send a drone back in time to photograph the woman of his dreams. You know the saying: our client, our master, but still only up to a point."

She wiped all the women off the monitors with a gesture and asked me, "But we've talked enough about generalities, so why don't we talk about something concrete? Who do you want to have sex with?"

At such a direct question I blushed involuntarily but finally said softly: "With Helen of Troy."

There was no reaction on Olivia's face, and she just handled something on her remote control, and all the monitors were filled with the image of Helen in different poses and looking exactly as I imagined her.

I studied them carefully and saw that most of them were close-ups. She was indeed a gorgeous woman and looked strikingly like Diane Kruger.

"She's a lot like Diane Kruger in the movie Troy," I couldn't help it.

Olivia just shook her head.

"Perhaps the producers of the movie wanted the actress who plays Helen to look as much as the original as possible," she said.

I closed my eyes and tried to remember.

"They made the movie Troy over 30 years ago in 2004, before the discovery of time travel."

"We didn't know whether time travel had been discovered, but in fact it is suspected that people had long ago learned to do such journeys, only they kept it secret. Only governments and certain corporations who paid enough money for it had access to it."

There was another question that was nagging at me: wasn't it all just a complex game with my brain? Wasn't this company able to implant false memories of a trip that would only exist in my mind and for which I would pay ten thousand dollars?

I told Olivia about my suspicions, and she pointed to the bracelet she was holding.

"We can't let you travel with your phone to take pictures, but this bracelet has a tiny built-in camera that allows you to take as many pictures as you want. If you have time to do that around a woman as beautiful as Helen."

She opened a door that could barely be seen because it was masked in the wall and after calling another girl to take her place at the reception desk, she said, "Let's go this way!"

She showed me a locker like the ones we had at the gym.

"Get undressed and follow me to the launch room!"

I was expecting her to give me some vintage clothes, but it turned out I was going to make the trip naked, so after undressing, I followed her into what she said was the launch chamber of the temporal generator.

She motioned for me to lie on my back on a support similar to the one I encountered when I went for a CT scan, took the watch from my hand and clipped the bracelet in its place, then added, "This bracelet has a lot of functions. Among other things, five minutes before the 24-hour deadline, a flashing red light will light up on it and it will buzz loud enough to attract your attention with an intermittent beeping sound. At this point, you will have to put down whatever object from the past you are holding and stop touching any living thing. An automatic process will extract you from the past and bring you into the present with whatever you're touching at that moment, so try to be alone or else a lot of mess will follow. At the same time, you'll have to press this big button on the bracelet while it's pointed at Helen, so all memories of your visit to her will automatically be erased from her mind."

"I understand," I said. "But I still have a question."

She just signaled me to speak, so I asked, "Yet how am I to get along with Helen? As far as I've studied the matter, Helen was Greek, but I don't know ancient Greek any more than I know modern Greek."

"I'm sorry. I thought I already told you. The bracelet will still get you out of trouble because it has a built-in universal translator. Anything that's spoken around you will be translated directly into English, and you'll hear it right in your ears. You don't need headphones for this because it'll be transmitted directly into your auditory nerves. Similarly, everything you speak will be translated into the language of the people you're talking to. It's too complex a process to explain right now, but it definitely works."

She called a technician and then asked me, "When do you want to see Helen of Troy? I recommend you go sometime at the beginning of the Trojan War, when Helen was 22 and at the height of her beauty. The war had already been going on for a year. All the men were on the battlements defending the fortress, and Helen was isolated in her chambers. She was already bored because she couldn't get out because the people in the city didn't love her very much because Troy was going through a long siege and a hard war because of her. Even Paris didn't have the time to visit as often as she would have liked, because he was also fighting along with his men."

"Okay, let's make it the first year of the war then," I said, and the technician was adjusting something on the console next to the support I was lying on. "Before I leave, I'd like to ask if Helen has been visited by many people from the present?"

Olivia shrugged and said, "That information is confidential, but after exchanging glances with the technician, I realized that I was not the first, and probably won't be the last."

She pressed a button and the stand I was on started to move.

"In three minutes, you'll be in Helen's arms, so get ready!"

The bracket slid into a metal cylinder quite similar to the MRI one, and I thought again that the whole thing might be a sophisticated hoax. Sophisticated but expensive, and I was hoping that after all this I would at least get a proper MRI scan.

It got dark in the cylinder, then a flashing blue light came on and I heard a loud buzzing sound that stopped after a few moments, followed by a slight jolt, and I ended up in Helen's bedroom.

In the City of Troy

It was definitely Helen because I recognized her from the many photos I saw her in. With her in the room was another young girl who let out a high-pitched scream and put her hand to her mouth in fright.

Helen didn't seem at all impressed by my appearance and calmly told the girl, "Kalissya get out of the bedroom and don't let anyone in until I tell you. Lie on the threshold, hold the dagger I gave you in your hand, and don't let anyone in. You answer for this with your head, Kalissya."

"I understand, my princess!" said the girl obediently and walked with small steps towards the exit, then left the room, carefully closing the door behind her. I realized that the translator built into the bracelet was working perfectly because I understood everything Helen said to the girl.

Helen then turned to me and measured me with her eyes, from head to toe. Indeed, Helen was beautiful, but she had a cold stare and for a moment, I felt like an insect under a naturalist's magnifying glass.

"Yeah," she finally said. "I have been visited by better specimens than you but that's it! I've been waiting for you for a long time, anyway."

I was surprised by her words. "What do you mean she had been expecting me for a long time? I asked her that because I wanted to see if she understood what I was saying, anyway.

"What do you mean you've been waiting a long time? Did you know I was coming?"

She seemed to understand perfectly what I said because she just shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I didn't know you were coming in person and I didn't know what you looked like, but I knew someone had to come. From time to time I'm visited by men from the future who can only stay with me for a day and a night and want nothing more than to have sex with me. You're the seventh man and I must say you look the youngest. How old are you?"

"18," I answered quickly. "I turned 18 yesterday."

"A child then," she said and seemed a little disappointed as she looked down at my penis withdrawn like a snail inside me because of this strange interplay, which she must have found boring.

"A child who doesn't even have a well-developed dick. Let's hope we'll manage, though," she said in a skeptical voice.

"Well, it's asleep now," I tried to excuse myself. "And it doesn't really know what to expect because I've never had sex before. I wanted you to be the first woman I ever had sex with."

She started laughing merrily.

"So not only are you a child, you're a virgin on top of it. And when you go back to the future or wherever you're from, you'll brag to all your friends 'Helen of Troy made me a man', because I heard that's what they call me in your time."

She was beautiful, but her manner made me feel uncomfortable, especially since she knew the purpose of my coming to Troy. This was clear proof that the six who had visited before me had not pressed the memory delete button. Retro Voyages should have provided some sort of automatic activation of the memory erase button, because some of those who had visited were probably proud enough not to activate it to keep Helen's memories of them alive.

"Let me turn the hourglass, so at least I'll know when it's time for you to return to your world."

She turned over a glass hourglass filled with golden sand, from which the grains of sand began to drip, reminding me that the time I would spend with her was relentlessly running out.

Looking at that hourglass, I remembered that I didn't activate the bracelet to make Helen want me, and when she saw that I was taking my right hand to the bracelet she said:

"The people before you have explained to me what this bracelet is for, but believe me, it's not something you should bother using."

She sighed and continued, "As rarely as I've been having sex lately, I'd rather have sex even with an old man of the age of Olympus or just an 18-year-old. Come closer!"

I took a few steps toward her as she began to undress. By the time I got next to her, she was completely naked and even though I was too close to get a full view, I could still see that she was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. In reality, I had never actually seen a naked woman near me, but the internet was full of gorgeous naked women, so I had something to compare her to.