Look, reader, you can believe this or not, I really don't much give a shit. This is my story so, sit down, shut the hell up and listen while I tell it.
David, my husband, and I were invited to a big Halloween shindig over in Lake Oswego. You know the type of party I mean, business guys sucking up at a ludicrously big house belonging to some rich asshole and his fat-ass wife. All the bitchy wives would be standing around in stupid costumes trying to look like Princess Fuck-Me while getting drunk as they watched their faggot husbands down on their knees dressed like the medieval cock suckers they are, blowing the host in hopes of making a profitable sale.
The evening started out in its usual horse shit fashion. I was feeling like I'm on the verge of PMS and David was pissed off about something. What? I could really give a shit. I do what I want and David makes oodles of money. We don't do much but argue anyway so money's all I care about these days, anyway.
That night, grumbling, David lead the way out to the Lincoln parked in the driveway. He opened the driver's door, climbed in and started the motor. I went around and got in the passenger side, So-fucking-much for gentlemanly behavior. Soon we were on the freeway and traveled along I-5 headed south past Tigard.
"Before it's too late to turn back, what did you forget?" David growled. This was an old routine. For the entire 4 years of marriage every time we went someplace, David assumed I had left something of burning importance at home. So once I had left the water running in the kitchen sink. No big deal. Not like I burned the fucking house down or anything.
"No," I answered curtly as I smoothed my dumb-ass looking fairy costume across my boobs. "Hmm. Boobs starting to sag. I wonder what they'll be like in another 10 years," I thought to myself as David pulled off I-5 and on to the I-217 interchange. He stopped at the light, signaling for a left turn towards Mercantile Village and the back side of Lake Oswego. "Legs still look pretty good, dishwater-blonde hair looks like shit, but it has always looked like shit, and my tummy is still as flat as it was when we got married - almost," I continued inside my head, "But my ass is definitely starting to spread. Shit. I go to the gym starting Monday."
"David used to look at me," I thought, "but not anymore. Now it's all about his damn job. Christ, he hasn't even touched me in... How long?" I shuddered trying to remember when the last time I'd gotten a good romp. "I need it, damn it! I want it! But, the chance is zero. So I know I will continue being the bitchy wife, smiling my smile, acting like nothing's wrong. Bullshit! I so hate this shit."
David turned on Iron Mountain Blvd then up the long curving drive way of the Foster Mansion. After he parked in the line of cars along the driveway David looked at me. "I really don't fucking want you getting drunk like you did at the Stephens party. God, I lost the Stephens account and almost my job. Foster is important so just be nice. Just one drink and make it fucking last. You hear?"
Irritated, I replied, "Yes, you fucking prick." David glared at me as he opened the driver's side door and got out.
David's job at Roderick & James Consulting Engineers was all he ever thought about. His job, damn, he have should paid that kind of attention to me for fuck sake.
We were met at the door by the hosts, Joe and Angela Foster. I put on my best "Howdy- Ma'am-Mind-If-I-Suck-Your-Husband's-Cock" smile and shook hands warmly. Joe and Angela Foster were in their late 50's. I understood Joe had inherited a small land development business and turned it into one of the largest, most successful land investment companies in the state. His white hair gave me some inkling of how hard he'd worked to do it. I did think the Red Devil costume complete with pitch fork and tail was a little over the top. But it could have been worse, I suppose.
Angela was a grey haired, fat woman dressed as the Dowager Hog or something. My impression was she looked like she was waiting to die under the weight of her bloody jewels and over blown lifestyle. Over ostentatious understates the words that came to mind. This bitch had it all, Mercedes 550 SL in the garage, million dollar home, expensive everything. I suspected even her tampons were custom made by Cartier and gold fucking plated. By the look of her, she could have been costumed as the Goodyear Blimp more appropriately. Jesus, I can be a bitch when I'm in a mood.
Our hosts directed us to the living room where there was a bar and people milled around. David ordered a martini. I looked at the bartender and said sweetly, "Freddy Fudpucker, please." The bartender just looked at me like I was stupid. David glared at me savagely. "Ok kid. Make it a double Irish with a splash of lemon. Chop. Chop." I took my drink and joined the party to mingle. I could feel David's eyes flaming into my back. "Screw him," was my only thought.
Ok, reader. Get this and get it good. You can always tell the size of an asshole's ego by their choice of Halloween Costume. Costumes always portray how people see themselves, proven fact. By all rights with my ego I should have been dressed as the most expensive hooker on 3rd Avenue, but David would have been even more pissed off so I didn't do it. Looking around the room I could see at least 5 "Princesses-Wannabes", 7 "Knights-Of-The-Sock-Stuffed-Cod-Piece", a couple of "Homo Kings" and David, my husband, the dumb ass "Court Jester". That asshole looked like something out of a fucking Woody Allen movie for shit sake. And he was worried about me making a scene?
Anyway, back to the story. I'm being Mrs. Nice. I mingled with the other guests, laughed at their really stupid jokes and listened to these shit head's nonsensical, back biting gossip, even joked when a drunken Joe Foster poked me in the ass with his fucking pitch fork. Eventually came the time when I had to pee. That was always my curse, you know. I had the smallest bladder in the universe. It was about the size of a pea, I think. So I wandered around until I found someone who looked like he didn't belong at the party either and asked in my most charming way, "Ok, Jose or whatever your wet-back name is, where'd you hide the sand box?"
The guy looked at me like he was thinking, "Who is this Bitch?" Then he directed me down a hallway to the bathroom with all the courteousness of a whore house bouncer. I ignored the fucker and didn't strangle him on the spot because I was in a hurry. By this time I really had to go, made it just in time too.
So, sitting on the pot in the Foster's disgustingly baroque bathroom I'm thinking, "This whole party thing sucks big donkey dicks. A little boring chatter here, a friendly poke in the ass there and what happens? Mr.-Devil-with-a-Pitch-Fork-and-a-Hard-On gets his little ego massaged. If he's lucky he might even gets his little weenie rubbed in a back bedroom by one of the wives on the sly. Then he starts handing out lucrative contracts on Monday morning to the guys who jerked him off the best. Meanwhile, I'm hiding out in the bathroom having to deal with the world's smallest damn bladder.