It's so easy to find it. To go and seek it out. The men think they are the hunters, but the truth is that they aren't. You are. You are hunting for your hunters. You are picking out who will use you as prey. And they don't even have a clue. They never do. You just need the right amount of cheap makeup and clothes that are too tight and show too much skin. The way you drink, the way you slur your words, the way you twitch and flinch around men. You're like a deer hunter covering themselves in pheromones, making sure your prey catch your scent and are relaxed. You let their minds run wild and make assumptions, so they think you are safe to target. The right kind of bitch to hunt, to mount, to hurt in the best ways possible. All while thinking it was their idea. Because the truth is, men can be stupid.
Or maybe you're the stupid one. Maybe you are too blind to see how past abuses have groomed you for this, how abuse was taught to you as sexual pleasure. Maybe you are the one who is truly prey. Maybe you're not pretending to be a victim. Maybe it's not an act. You just feel better, feel like you have agency, if you frame it that way. Maybe you are as crazy and broken as those men have told you all your life. Or maybe this is the only way you can remind yourself that you're still alive. That you matter. And maybe, just maybe, you and the men are both prey, both hunters.
You need each other to survive.
So you go out, barely clothed in Wal-Mart perfume, Dollar General makeup and lipstick, and cheap Amazon dresses that don't even cover your ass. You wade through the dozens of men at the bar who pretend. You can smell the stink of failure on them. The weakness. They have too much humanity. They'll flinch and hesitate before doing what you need. They're not for you. They are meant for better women, less damaged ones. Less crazy ones. Good for a fuck but you aren't here for that. You're here for so much more. You narrow down the possibilities. This is where the real risk comes in. How dangerous is too dangerous? Who has a temper and who is psychotic? Who is sadistic and who just likes to hurt women? Who can take you right to the edge, who can push you off, and who will even care?
You don't anymore. You used to, maybe. Now, despite what you say, you don't care. A part of you craves not knowing. The complete risk of this possibly being the last time you play this game. You should rein yourself in, be careful, and push but not too hard. That's boring. That's basic. Now you want to shove as much as they do, as the best thing in the world would be them grabbing you and jumping off the metaphorical cliff together. Crashing down below, one last spectacular fuck, rape, and intimate moment with a stranger, being flushed down the toilet of life. That would be glorious. More likely, though, that won't happen. And that's ok too. Because it might. And that's enough.
You find your prey, a large man, drunk and angry. He has a mean look in his eyes. Has he done something bad before? He mentions he is divorced, was that why? A temper? Did his hands wander with his stepdaughter he mentions too much? You don't care. The answers wouldn't turn you away. He's over twice your age and he says you look just like her. That's enough for you to get wet. You tease him there in the bar and on the ride back to his place. It reeks of stale beer and cigarette smoke.
It smells like home. It smells like daddy. You're soaked and he is hard, but now is where you change the game. You resist, you hesitate, but you don't want him to simply push through it. You glimpsed the fire in his eyes at the bar. You want that fire back. He needs to fuck. You need him to hurt you. So you use your greatest weapon. Your mind, your mouth. You set the trap for your prey and he takes the bait.
