Do You Still Love Me

"Do you still love me?" The voice was familiar. Slowly I turned towards it. "Do you still find me beautiful?"

Her knee length dress was torn and stained red from gushing wounds, rumpled and tattered on her form as she lay before me. Her limbs were twisted and mangled, jagged ends of broken bones protruded through her skin, stark white against the crimson flow around them. Her torn flesh dangled from rends unspeakably horrid. Long auburn hair matted with blood partially hid her disfigured face, small slivers of glass glinted on her cheek. Blood bubbled from the corner of her mouth as she spoke again.

"Do you still find me beautiful?"

I lowered my eyes, then bowed my head and answered meekly, "Yes. You are still the most beautiful woman I have ever known."

"Do you still love me?"

My gaze shot back to her swollen eyes, my voice boomed my indignity, "Have I not wept for you? Have I not poured out every tear I have for you? Have I not prayed and begged that cruel, spiteful, malicious god to send you back to me? Did I not sit by your side for all those months pleading for you to live while you lay dead to the world? And did I not set you free when your eyes begged it? That day... When I threw that switch... I tore my own heart out with it."

"Do you still love me?"

Hot, stinging tears rolled down my cheeks, my voice cracked on my reply, "Yes. Yes, I still love you."

"Kiss me."

***

I bolted upright, the sweat soaked sheets clinging to me. My lungs burned, I remembered to breathe and did, deeply. I fell back, my head thumping on the damp pillow, and let my breathing return to normal. I looked at the clock, 12:03AM.

The dream again. But why now? It had been nearly seven years since it last haunted my sleep. More than twelve since the accident that spawned it.

Knowing the dream would not come back in the same night, I closed my eyes, cleared my mind and slept undisturbed until morning.

The radio came on at 7:00, playing light jazz that that gently coaxed my eyes open. The cat licked my cheek, meowed and trotted off to wait for breakfast. I rolled out of bed, showered, dressed, filled the cats bowl and left the house for the morning breakfast meeting with Rachel. But the dream was still in my head. As vivid as the first time it interrupted my sleep.

***

"Gerald, you know you have to let go. She is not in there anymore. There hasn't been a hint of brain activity since the day they brought her in. The only reason her heart still beats is because of that machine. You have to let her go. Call the doctors and turn it off. Let her go."

"I can't, Rachel. I can't just give up on her."

"And you can't keep paying the bill to keep an empty body alive. Her injuries aren't even healing. She is not there any more. Please, Gerald. Let her go."

"I think that is the best thing, too." Susan's mother stood in the doorway, the doctor just behind her.

I slumped in my chair, accepting, finally, what I had known all along. I simply nodded.

The doctor quickly explained what switch would shut down the machine and that he could not leave the room until he could verify the time of death. Then he walked to the far corner and watched.

I knelt beside her praying, making one final plea for god to send her back. Then another plea to Susan to stay and not leave me. A part of me expected some sort of answer, I saw that answer in her eyes. Though they had always been open and had always simply stared off in to space, today they looked different. There was no change of expression, just a loss of color that told me she was gone for good.

I stood, bent to kiss her forehead and her cheek. "I love you." I whispered.

I turned to the machine and put my hand on the switch, I hesitated for a moment, then quickly flipped the switch to the 'Off' position. The EKG went immediately from a slow beep to a steady constant tone. The doctor quietly stepped out of the room behind me.

I lifted me head skyward. "You bastard! I hate you for this!"

***

We had been friends since long before I met Susan. We worked in the same building, downtown. And she had always been there for me when Susan died. Even at most my bitter moments she managed to cheer me up or at least take the edge off my hatred.

It had become a routine for us to meet at a local donut shop every morning for coffee. She was already sitting in our "favorite booth" when I walked through the door. I approached quietly and flicked the newspaper the she was engrossed in. She jumped dropping the paper and nearly spilling her coffee.

"Happy Halloween." Rachel said smiling.

Her expression startled me. It was indeed All Hallows Eve. I wondered if the dream was a sub-conscious manifestation of the holiday. I grimaced.

"Something vexes thee?" She laughed.

"Yes." I was unable to meet her eyes, "I... I had the dream again last night."

"The dream? Oh, my god! Susan? Oh, Gerald, I'm so sorry... I ..."

"It's ok. It just sort of surprised me is all."

"But you haven't had that dream for years. I thought you had put it all behind you. Why now?"

"I don't know. I thought it was all behind me, too. I can't explain it. Maybe my own personal demon is coming back to haunt me. Appropriate timing, considering the day."

"That's a ridiculous notion. You have no demon. There was nothing you could have done to stop that. You can't blame yourself anymore."

"I know. And I don't. I just... I... I can't help thinking that god was pissed off that he couldn't take me, so out of spite he took her instead."

"Gerald! What on earth are you talking about? What do you mean he couldn't take you?"

"Aw, Rachel, I'm just babbling. I don't..." I paused, my thoughts going back to the years before I knew Rachel. My friend, hit by a car and killed when I was 8 years old, We were running into the street after a ball. I heard the screech of tires and saw the car swerve to miss me, hitting Ricky instead.... The flight I was supposed to be on that crashed. I had been called on an alert and was on final approach when my scheduled patrol flight launched on a "cold cat" and hit the water a few hundred yards from the ship... The motorcycle accident, the voice of the EMT saying he was amazed that I was still alive and the sight of my helmet in the ambulance, the back of it crushed in.

"I have seen the hand of god reach for me more than once." I said solemnly, "I eluded it each time. God must have been pretty pissed off at me. He must hate me now. But, the feeling is mutual."

"Oh, Gerald. I can't believe you think that..."

"Let's not discuss it. Ok? Just forget it. What's done is done. I have to get on with my life now."

We sat in silence as we finished our coffee. Finally, Rachel rose, "I have to be at work shortly. Please, don't be down today. I'm sure the dream was nothing to get worked up over. Just a bad memory haunting your dreams one last time." She bent and kissed my cheek. "Call me later if you want to talk."

And with that she rushed out.

***

"Someone call an ambulance! NOW!" I screamed.

I knelt beside her, wanting desperately to pick her up and hold her, but knowing that moving her might kill her before help could arrive. I could not even hold her hand to comfort her. I leaned down close her blood smeared face, I could her breathing only because of the gurgling sound it made. "Hold on, Baby. Stay with me. Help is coming. You're going to be fine, I promise." I touched her cheek lightly. Burning to just hold her.

Behind me I could hear the voices of the crowd that had gathered, hushed murmurs of shock and helplessness. Another voice seemed to cut through all of it. The indignant shouting of a woman.

"I never even saw her. I was talking to my secretary on the car phone... ... Well, what the hell was the idiot doing in the street? ... ...That's not possible, I never run red lights and I can assure you I was not speeding... Drinking? I had a couple martinis at lunch but I don't... That's ridiculous! No I will not go to the station with you! This is NOT my fault!"

Rage boiled within me, I quelled it only for the need to remain at Susan's side. I was still quietly talking to her, as the sound of the siren grew louder.

***

It was nearly 10:00 when the doorbell rang. Being on my third double scotch it was a challenge to just get the locks off the door.

"Aha! So you ARE at home." Rachel said grinning. And judging from the looks of you it's probably a good thing."

"Definitely a good thing."

She looked me over, "Casual this evening? Not expecting company? With as many holes as there are in those sweats I'm surprised you can keep them on."

"No, I wasn't expecting company. And these sweats are comfortable, had 'em for years. And what are you doing here at this hour?"

"You said you would call me. You didn't. I worried."

"YOU said I would call you. I didn't. Stop worrying."

"Yeah, well... So are you going to invite me in?"

"Would you like to come in?"

"Why thank you." She said as she pushed past me, "I thought you'd never ask."

I fixed her a drink and poured another lighter one for myself. We sat on the sofa, I reclined in the corner of it, she sat facing me with her feet under her.

"That dream must have hit you pretty hard." She said. "I haven't seen you like this for ages."

"I had thought I was over it until last night. Haven't been able to get it out of my head all day."

"Have you been crying again?"

I chuckled, "No. I haven't been able to cry since shortly after she died. I think I used up all my tears on that one."

She reached out and lightly touched my cheek, "I suspect you have many more available. But after something like that it must be hard to find anything to bring them out."

"Perhaps. I suppose it doesn't matter now. She is gone and I am here. Nothing I can do about it."

"Would you? If there was something you could do, would you?"

"Without hesitation. I begged that bastard god to take me instead. But I know that is not what I really wanted either. I wanted to have her here with me. And never be separated like that."

"Maybe that is what the dream is trying to tell you. That there is something more you can do. Can you tell me about the dream?"

"Rachel, we have done this before. The dream hasn't changed. It's the same..."

"Humor me. It's been a long time and the details are fuzzy."

The details would make you sick to your stomach." I hesitated for a moment not sure if I wanted to drag it all up again. "I hear her voice and turn to see her lying in front of me, just as she was in the street that day. Her body broken and mangled, blood pouring out of her... It horrifies me every time... I..."

Again Rachel touched my cheek. "What happens?"

"She asks me if I still find her beautiful. I can't help but answer yes. Even though she is a bloody mess, I still see the beautiful woman she is... Was... Then she asks if I still love her. Again I cannot help but answer yes. Then she begs me to kiss her."

"And?"

"I can't. I want to. But I can't bear to touch her like that. It's just like that day in the street. I wanted so badly to hold her in my arms and yet terrified that if I touched her it would cause her more pain and I couldn't do it. Even in the hospital, I wanted to pick her up and just hold her, but I couldn't. She was just so fragile, I was afraid I would kill her."

There was a long, uneasy silence.

"Closure." She said quietly.

"Closure?"

"You never had the chance to give her that last kiss good-bye. I think maybe you both needed that. If ... When you have the dream again, whatever it takes, you must kiss her. It is what you both need."

It was several minutes before the truth of her words struck me. The realization of that truth drained what little strength I had left. I slumped in the corner of the sofa, my head back and eyes closed.

All was still for what seemed like a lifetime, then I felt her stir next to me. I opened my eyes as she stood and took my hand, coaxing me up.

"Come on, Gerald. It's been a long day and you need your sleep. I think tomorrow you will feel better than you have in years."

"Aw, just leave me here. I'm too far gone to climb the stairs."

She pulled harder on my arm, " No. A proper bed is what you need. I'll help you."

I let her pull me up and lead me to the stairs. She pulled my arm across her shoulders and steadied me as we climbed. She gently pushed me onto the bed and helped me under the sheets, then sat next to me.

She brushed the hair back from my forehead with her fingers. "Sleep now. I'm going to stay with you tonight. I'll be here when you wake."

My mind was already beginning to slip away. "You have always been there for me all these years. Even when everyone else gave up on me. Why?"

Again her hand brushed my cheek. As the room began to slip into darkness I heard her say, "Because, I love you."

***

I had arrived at the restaurant a few minutes late. It was one of the nicer café's in the downtown area, on a corner near the courthouse. Suspecting that Susan was already inside waiting for me, I reached for the door.

Behind me I heard her call my name. I spun quickly, just in time to see a dark Lincoln Town Car roaring towards the intersection, bearing down rapidly on a woman running through the crosswalk. My heart went cold as I recognized the auburn hair and the yellow dress. My hand shot out, as if that alone could stop it, I tried to yell, but I was already too late. I heard the impact, a sickening thud, as her legs were knocked out from under her. She floated over the hood of the big car before the windshield slammed into her head and shoulder. Her body tumbled in the air, twisting in impossible ways before landing in a crumpled heap in the intersection. The Lincoln continued half a block before I saw brake lights.

Cars screeched to a halt, people were screaming in horror all around me. I simply ran. Pushing people out of the way to get to her.

I knelt at her side.

***

"Do you still love me?" The voice was familiar. Slowly I turned towards it. "Do you still find me beautiful?"

Her knee length dress was torn and stained red from gushing wounds, rumpled and tattered on her form as she lay before me. Her limbs were twisted and mangled, jagged ends of broken bones protruded through her skin, stark white against the crimson flow around them. Her torn flesh dangled from rends unspeakably horrid. Long auburn hair matted with blood partially hid her disfigured face, small slivers of glass glinted on her cheek. Blood bubbled from the corner of her mouth as she spoke again.

"Do you still find me beautiful?"

I lowered my eyes, then bowed my head and answered meekly, "Yes. You are still the most beautiful woman I have ever known."

"Do you still love me?"

My gaze shot back to her swollen eyes, my voice boomed my indignity, "Have I not wept for you? Have I not poured out every tear I have for you? Have I not prayed and begged that cruel, spiteful, malicious god to send you back to me? Did I not sit by your side for all those months pleading for you to live while you lay dead to the world? And did I not set you free when your eyes begged it? That day... When I threw that switch... I tore my own heart out with it."

"Do you still love me?"

Hot, stinging tears rolled down my cheeks, my voice cracked on my reply, "Yes. Yes, I still love you."

"Kiss me."

I turned away in horror. "I can't."

"You must. It is All Hallows Eve and the moon is full. It is the last chance we have. Kiss me."

I looked at her again, even disfigured and covered with blood, she was still beautiful.

I knelt beside her. Tears streamed down my face as my hand slipped under her neck. I gently pulled her to me, hearing bones crunching against each other. Blinding pain shot through me as my lips touched hers. I recoiled from it, my eyes closed tight against the onslaught. I forced them open again and was shocked by what I saw.

The ragged gashes on her scalp mended before me. Tiny slivers of glass fell like snow from her cheek as her skin smoothed over. Her beautiful tresses seemed to straighten themselves as the blood that matted them faded away.

My own pain increased steadily as I watched. But my heart soared as I watched her wounds vanish. I pulled her closer and kissed her again, deeply, all the love I had ever felt for her streaming back to me. I touched her shoulder and felt a crushing blow to my own. The intensity of the pain countered by my desire, my hand lightly slipped down her arm, feeling her bones fuse under my touch as my own seemed to split apart.

Pulling back, I stared in disbelief at the effect my touch had, her head rolled slightly and a smile gently tugged the corners of her lips. As if waking from a pleasant dream, she stared up into my eyes.

"Do you still desire me?"

"Yes." I whispered hoarsely through the blinding flashes of pain.

"Your love heals me. Your lust gives me life. Give me life." Her hand reached up, her fingers combing through the hair on the back of my head as she pulled me to her.

I ignored the pain. Wanting only to see her whole again. I pulled back, ripping her dress open. She moaned as my hands glided over her breasts. The bloody cloth that covered her melted away and the swollen dark bruises faded to lightly tanned tones. Ribs on her left side quietly slurped back under her skin. The pools of blood rushed back and seeped into her. I kissed along the underside of her breast, watching the areola swell pointing her nipple upwards, begging my lips attention.

She breathed deeply and sighed long and soft, relieved of the damage to her lungs. Searing pain shot through my chest and my breathing became labored. Still I could not stop. Astonished, I watched as my hands swept down to her crushed hip, the flesh stretching taut and firm over her mended bone. Her arms wrapped around me, warm and soft, yet strong again as they pulled me tightly to her, her lips wetly pressed to my cheek

Everywhere I touched she became whole again, my heart pounded in my chest, my head pounded with excruciating pain. Above it all I felt her heat, her desire mingling with my own. I became aware of my engorged manhood pressed between us, and of her hips rocking back seeking to take me in. I repositioned myself to do so.

Her loud throaty cry broke the stillness as I pushed slowly inside her. The jagged shards of bone and blood on her legs grated across my own as she bought her knees up, her feet dangling on the backs of my thighs. They made chilling crunching and slurping sounds as the bones slipped back inside her and fused solid again. They encircled my hips pulling me deeper into her.

My agony began to overflow to other senses, first manifesting as sound, a low, almost electric hum in my ears. My legs felt as if crushed and refused to respond. I was helpless as Susan rolled on top of me. Her graceful body and beautiful face unblemished at last as she sat astride me. Weakly I lifted my arms, reaching out to her, she took my hands in hers and held them to her breasts. Her sorrowful eyes looked down on me as she rode me slowly each stroke sending shivers of pleasure and crushing pain through my battered body.

My sight was next to be assailed, white specks swirled and multiplied in my vision. She slowly fell on me, her hips still moving slowly, carefully up and down on me. Her nipples dragged like white-hot pokers up and down my skin, her knees pressed hard at my sides. My breathing became shallow, I whimpered almost inaudibly. Her hair cloaked our faces as she kissed me deeply, her wet tongue giving my parched mouth sustenance. Through my agony I felt the familiar burning tingle in my loins as my climax neared. Her body shuddered as I felt my eruption inside her.