Autophobia

Below is my entry for the Halloween 2020 Contest. Not gonna lie, it gets weird.

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The party goes well, as far as everyone else is concerned. Halloween potluck, we provide drinks and desserts. I'm the host for the murder mystery, and it goes off without a hitch. Ellie is my gracious co-host, and everyone raves about the time they're having. Once the murder is solved, no one wants to leave, so we turn on a movie. Only four days from Halloween, so we go with a horror movie, of course. No one remarks about Ellie and I sitting on opposite sides of the room. Once the title screen comes up, I move to the kitchen to get a jumpstart on the dishes.

I'm not really close to anyone here, these are mostly neighbors and acquaintances. A few friends we've kept in touch with since college. Closer really to Ellie than myself. I knock out the bulk of the dishes, try to stay quiet. I head back into the living room just in time to see Ellie cuddle back into Avery as something jumps out on the screen. He doesn't react. She shoots me a look of guilt and and something else. Accusal? She moves away from him a moment later. I settle back into my chair in the opposite corner. Everyone laughs and screams at the appropriate times, and the movie ends shortly after 11.

We say our goodbyes, everyone thanking us for hosting, praising the murder mystery, saying it should become a tradition. It's all smiles and hugs. Then the door closes, and the silence drops between Ellie and I like an axe. We stand on opposite sides of the foyer, my hands in my pockets and her arms crossed tight against her chest.

"Thanks for cleaning the kitchen," she says. "I'll finish it in the morning."

"No worries," I reply. "I'll finish it up right now."

She's already walking towards the stairs. "Thanks. I'm heading to bed."

There's not much left to do in the kitchen. As I finish up the final dishes, I think over my situation, and how the hell it got to this point. Ellie and I both 29, met in college, married just under three years. Got jobs right after graduation, have risen fairly quickly in each. Good incomes, nice house, no kids yet. Enough friends to keep us busy on the weekends. On paper, we look perfect.

So what the hell is wrong with us? I can't say how long it's been going on. I wouldn't say our marriage is on the rocks. We come home from work too tired to do much more than watch tv, and we can go days without much more than exchanging pleasantries, not breaking the surface. Sex? Once a week if we're lucky. Not that long ago we couldn't go more than a few hours without getting under each other's clothes, now approaching sex seems like a chore. Seems like I have to beg her for it, and nothing makes me feel lower. I hate it. I hate where we are.

But I adore her.

With where we are though, I just don't feel like I know what to say, know what to do. I finish up the kitchen, turn on the dishwasher. Lean back against the counter, listen to the machine hum.

Maybe it's simple. Maybe all I have to do is go up there, take her face in my hands, kiss her like I used. Tell her how much I love her. Make love to her, fall asleep in each other's arms. Tell her I love her until my voice goes hoarse. Feel her skin beneath my touch.

I know it won't work out like it is in my head, but I like this plan, feel good about it. I'm ready to make this marriage better. I hear the tv on, I'm ready to turn it off and sweep her off her feet with my love. I go through the bedroom door, my heart swelling.

Ellie's asleep.

Some trash reality show is on, she's asleep. I get it, it's late. But damn. I was ready, I was so ready, to make things right. I still want to. But I'm frustrated, and I feed that frustration willfully. I think of the look she gave me tonight with Avery, I think of all the unspoken words between us.

I look at her phone. We trust each other, have never gone through each other's devices looking for something untoward. We know each other's passwords. I think again of her snuggling against Avery. He's a good guy, we met him back in college. I invited him into our friend group, but in recent years him and Ellie seem to have gotten on better. Tonight, I cannot rest until I know for sure. I walk to her bed stand, pick up her phone, enter the passcode. Go to her messages. A conversation with Avery is her most recent.

My stomach drops. From tonight:

Avery: Thanks for a great party! Great seeing you guys!

Ellie: Thank you soo much for coming. See you again soon!

That was... innocuous. I keep scrolling. I find nothing. From the looks of these messages, they're friends and nothing more. They don't even text that much. I feel a mix of relief and foolishness.

"What are you doing?" Ellie asks, looking up at me in confusion. I stand motionless over her, her phone in one hand. She sits up.

"Are you going through my phone?" She rubs her face. Squints against the bright light. My face has already given away my guilt, so I confess.

"Yes."

"Why?"

It takes some time for the words to come, and I feel like an idiot for even thinking them. "I just had to know."

"Know what?" She's looking at me, giving me no breaks.

"If..." God I hate to say it. "If you were cheating on me."

Her head drops. Silence has never been so loud.

"Why would you think that?" She asks. "Because of what happened with Avery earlier?"

"That," I say. "And because we barely speak anymore. Because we barely spend any real time together. Because I try to do more than my share around the house and do things to let you know I'm thinking of you, and you barely react. Because I feel like I have to practically beg you for sex, which makes me feel like an asshole. And because I feel like I have maybe a 50% chance of you saying yes when I bring it up. I try to make it good for you, but it feels like I'm asking you to plunge the toilet. I'm afraid your cheating on me because I saw you with Avery tonight, and it's like you wanted me to see. You wanted me to hurt. And it really fucking did, it hurt to see that, it hurts knowing you'll probably say no if I try to have sex, it hurts that we've been married barely three years and are already acting like it's been 50. I'm sorry I looked through your phone, but I know if I didn't I wouldn't be able to sleep a second tonight." I'm near tears as weeks of frustration come spilling out.

It takes a while for Ellie to respond. When she speaks, she doesn't look at me. "I don't know what's going on. I love having sex with you, but I just have no drive right now. It's been gone for months and I don't know what's going on. And I know it's hard on you and I see your pain and frustration, and I hate it. I feel like I'm letting you down. But it also gets hard because I feel after we don't have sex for a while, you shut down. What am I supposed to do when you won't talk to me? I see you helping out and I like your gifts, and I try to make my appreciation known. I know sex is important to you, and it's important to me. We're not having sex because I'm cheating on you, we're not having sex because my drive is gone and I don't know why. I'm not cheating on you because I love you, and I would never cheat on you because... yeah, I love you."

She's in tears now. I sit next to her on the bed and hug her.

"I'm sorry I looked through your phone." I say.

"I'm sorry about that thing with Avery. It was just second-nature to jump back, and in my mind it was you. Then I saw you standing there across the room, and I felt so embarrassed and so stupid, but a part of me was angry that it wasn't you behind me. It should have been."

"I know," I say. Ellie cries quietly against my chest. I hold her for a long time.

"I love you so much," she says. "I love you too," I say. "I want us to be better."

"Me too," she says, sniffling. "Can we talk more tomorrow morning? I have something I want us to do."

"Okay," I say. I lay back on the bed, and we fall asleep in each other's arms. No sex, but at least we feel closer.

I fall into a fitful sleep, and at some point in the night we separate. I wake up often through the night, my mind running too much to all me to relax. Only one thing can clear my head when it's like this, and realize what I must do in the morning. I'll leave Ellie a note, we can do whatever she has planned when I get back.

I'm up long before the sunrise. I pack a day bag, leave a note for Ellie in the kitchen. I write 'I love you, can't wait to see you!' in caps across the bottom. I leave as quietly as possible.

I'm going hiking.

——

Nothing clears my head like a day in the mountains. The closest trails in the Appalachians are about an hour from our house, but I'm going deeper into the mountains today. I use my phone to find a new trail, one a bit further off the beaten path. The sun is just rising as I pull into the tiny gravel lot at the trailhead. I throw on my pack and head up the trail.

It's a gorgeous late October day. Cool, but well before the frost. As I gain elevation I enter patches of mist, and the cool moisture kisses my skin. I love it out here, the changing foliage, the wind in the trees. I could stay out here for years.

I picked this trail because it was described as challenging, and it lives up to the designation. Steep elevation, lots of rocks. In just under a mile my GPS tells me I've risen near 1,000 feet in elevation, and the trail continues up ever further. After that mile the mist rolls in thick, and I am in no les than a cloud. The sounds of nature are much quieter here, near the only sound my boots against the rock and dead leaves. The trail levels out after another mile, and I walk on mostly flat ground through the deep mist. After yet another mile, I come to a fork in the trail.

There are no signs, but the trail to the right is obviously the more well-traveled. To the left? The narrow path travails even higher up the mountain, though at a far gentler grade than my earlier course. I look a my phone, try to pull up the trail map. Of course, I have no service. Of course, I forgot to put a proper trail map in my pack. I could go the easy trail, of course, but today, after the past few weeks, I am in no mood for easy.

I set off on the left trail, and soon I know I made the right choice. How, exactly? There's a feeling. Every step makes me feel more sure. A feeling I can't quite describe. And there's a... a smell.

I'd love to say it was jasmine, pine, something of the sort. But no, this was a musk, fleeting yet familiar. It brings Ellie to mind, makes me think of our bedroom. Somehow through my burning lungs and thighs, my body finds enough blood, just a bit, to send to my groin. The scent thickens the higher I climb. My step quickens, I glances at my watch. GPS is offline. That's weird.

I'd be more upset about this, but I'm practically running up the trail now. I've never moved this fast up a trail in my life. The trail branches again, and I move to the right without a second thought. The mist thickens, I can barely see the ground in front of me, but still I run. I know the scent now, and it has me salivating. I know why it made me think of Ellie, because it IS Ellie. The smell I inhale when my face is buried between her legs. The smell that permeates our room after we make love. The smell that coats her panties. The smell I hunger for more than any other.

Running up the trail, a sudden darkness looms in front of me. A cave.

I don't like caves, especially caves I'm unfamiliar with. Which is most of them. I don't like going underground, I don't like it when the tunnels narrow and the darkness grows thick around me. But that smell! Ellie's scent is thick around me, and it's emanating from the cave. I'm hopeless against it. There's a memory, one so powerful I feel as if it's projected in front of me. Our first time together. Me pulling off Ellie's sundress, her rolling down her panties, standing bare before me. Her skin beneath my touch, her lips against mine. She had begged that day for my fingers inside of her, and I can almost feel the soft tissue encasing them. I remember her face, her body craning up against mine. I remember her hand around me, guiding me into her. I remember her shuddering as I enter her. Her long, slow, movements atop me. I remember releasing in her, her grabbing my chest as her own orgasm rocked her. God, it had been perfect.

I push forward into the cave.

There's spots of light throughout the tunnel leading deeper into the cave, sunlight gleaming through holes in the earth above me. It's easy, the tunnel nice and roomy, and it leads me into a dim, gleaming chamber far into the mountain.

Spread across it are what I can only describe as giant Venus Flytraps. Five are open, the rest, maybe 15, are closed, bulging with some unknown prey within. A creek flows though the chamber, moss is deep underfoot. The light in the chamber is coming from the moss, phosphorous light illuminating the compact chamber. The smell of Ellie surrounds me, I lose myself in it. It fills the chamber, and as I walk to the flytraps it grows ever stronger. It wafts from one in particular, and I'm drawn towards it. It pulses as I draw near. The scent intoxicates me, I caress the side of the flytrap. The plant's flesh shudders beneath my touch. I chuckle, then something wraps around my wrist.

It comes from deep within the plant, and three more follow it. My limbs are wrapped in each, and I barely have time to scream as the plant pulls me towards its depths. But scream I do as the flytrap widens to allow my bulk, scream as yet another tendril snakes out and wraps around my throat. My breath is cut off as I'm dragged into the gaping maw of the plant, bound tight while it closes shut around me. When the mouth closes, the tendrils release me. I draw in a deep gasping breath, then scream. I can barely move, but hurl my body at either side of the plant with whatever force I can manage. It's not much, and not enough.

As I struggle, something changes. A thick, vacuous fluid seeps into the bottom of the plant, and it fills the tight space at a rapid pace. I scream again, hurling my body back and forth against the tight confines. I hyperventilate in panic, try to get some grasp beneath my hands and feet. The inner flesh of the plant, for that is what it was is, is spongy and slick to the touch.

I cannot straighten my body, I'm trapped in a deep hunch, the sides of the plant constricting against me. With a last desperate effort I get my knees beneath me, force my hands against either side. With a primal scream I push with all my strength, my hands absorbing into the pink flesh, begging my body for every last ounce of power, and it does nothing.

I'm doomed.

The thick liquid fills the space, it's at my chest before I can take another breath. I scream, I rage, I struggle. It's pointless. The liquid rises to my neck, my chin. I thrust my head up, burying it into the spongy flesh above me.

All for nothing. The liquid rises to my face, covers it. I hold my breath as long a possible, until my lungs scream and my very mind rages against me. I hold on, I hold on as long as I can. I try my best, think of Ellie. Her face flashes across my mind, I beg her forgiveness as I open my mouth.

The liquid, almost like syrup, fills my mouth, my nostrils, my lungs. It penetrates deep within me, and with whatever breath I have left within me, I try to scream. It's a soundless, wordless last gasp of life. I weep nonexistent tears, I hack soundless coughs. My body rebels against me and I breathe in, desperate to fill my empty lungs.

And it works.

It makes no sense, my brain screams against it, but I can breathe the liquid. It's a saccharine sweet, my body does everything to expel it. It's a worthless struggle because it's in me now, coursing through my veins. My struggles weaken, my body grows torpid and lethargic. The liquid fills me and envelops me, and my reaction changes. I gasp, I fight against it, but it is so good. I breathe it deeper. It turns from saccharine to filling, filling to satisfying. I stop breathing and start swallowing, gulping it down. My belly is filled but I continue. When I think I can take no more I go back to breathing, and the space around me expands.

I no longer feel the walls pressing me, and I can move my shoulders. In another moment, I can lift my head. The feeling is euphoric. I breathe in more of the fluid. It fills my lungs, my belly, andI can almost stretch my arms. There's a weird high coming over me, then I feel my erection. It's almost painful, I am so engorged. It's pushing against my pants, straining against the fabric, then suddenly I'm free. My cock is free of the fabric through no action of my own, and I'm thrusting against the thick fluid. It seems to coagulate around my shaft, tightening around me. I breathe in deep and start thrusting my hips into it, faster and harder. I don't know what I'm thrusting into, but once I start I can't stop. My hips move faster and faster, and my orgasm grips me like a vice. My body shakes and tightens, and my breath, for what it is, leaves me. My semen flows into the thickened jelly at my pelvis. I continue to thrust as the orgasm subsides, and I stretch my legs.

Which I can do without problem.

I stretch my arms and legs and cannot find the edge. I force my way through the thick fluid until my shoulder bumps into one of the walls. I settle my body against it, grateful to come into contact with it. I clench my fingers into the soft flesh, and it shudders against my touch. I breathe deep the liquid, lost in it's power.

And then it coagulates around my groin once more.

I'm floating now, thrusting my hips into the exquisite unknown. It's good, God it's better than anyone I've had before, and I can't stop. I grab onto my thighs because there's nothing else for me, and my second orgasm arrives moments later. I can't describe the deep, full body feeling. It shakes me and shatters me, and when I reach for the wall once more it's nowhere to be found. When I regain my senses, for what they are, I force my way once more through the fluid, but now I'm moving even further until I can find something solid. I find it, I relax, I take a deep breath of the fluid, now with a hint of salt.

And as I relax, it thickens before me once more.

I lose all sense of time. Every breath gives me pleasure, every swallow fulfills me. Should I begin to wander, the fluid thickens before my groin and I'm thrusting before I realize what's going on. I'm in a stupor, one which grows with every orgasm.

I am content here, I realize. Content floating here. Thoughts of my previous life filter form my mind. Should Ellie crop into I am given another opportunity for an orgasm, and I take it with glee. Thoughts of anything else flee from me, and I realize I am more than content, I am satisfied. Whatever happened in my life before, I am happy now. Thrilled. Sexual satisfaction is near at my beck and call, and I no longer have a need for food. Should I need fulfillment, I swallow. Should I need joy, I breathe. My limbs, once in constant need of movement and exercise, are near forgotten. What use do I have for them?

I have all I need.

——

How long have I been here? A meaningless question. I am happy in every way possible. Sometimes I think about... I think about someone, what was the name? A woman I'm sure. But no matter. I wonder about the size of the chamber I'm in. A great room, palatial. Exquisite in every way, full of the wonders of the galaxy. Full of everything I could ever need, ever desire. I wonder what it looks like. I realize then I cannot see, maybe haven't been able to see for quite some time. That is a problem, but what to do about it? I wrestle with the thought until the liquid, the gel it seems more like now, thickens in front of me.