For months my wife had been other than her normally cheerful self.
It was clear she had been depressed and out of sorts for nearly a year.
Her mood was sullen and despondent, and she had very little enthusiasm for much of anything.
I really wanted to bring her out of it, but I didn't have a clue about what had gotten her so down.
She had very little interest in sex, at least with me, but I wasn't sure it was a sexual problem.
She would sleep most of the time and stay around the house during the day just watching daytime television and reading romance novels.
I tried many things but nothing seemed to interest her.
I tried to interest her in travel, suggested taking a vacation, but nothing seemed to help.
She wasn't interested.
I talked to a couple of her friends, and they had noticed it too, but neither of them had any idea what the problem was.
She is a very private person, and I wasn't surprised they didn't know.
I then found a website for a swinging group locally and I printed out the homepage.
It was a desperate measure, but I was at my wits end.
I left it on the coffee table in the family room and waited to see if she would find it.
Maybe that would interest her.
She had been pretty sexually active before we met, and I thought maybe that could do the trick.
Maybe she just needed some variety.
One day I came home from work and she was obviously angry about something.
You know when you don't have to ask, you just know you're in the doghouse.
Finally, just before dinner she tossed the swingers brochure on the kitchen table and said, "Is this your idea of a joke?
You trying to tell me something?" she asked in an angry voice that said I had just fucked up royally.
"So, you looking to fuck somebody's wife?" she asked angrily.
I said I was just looking for something to bring her out of her funk, that I was just grasping at straws.
"So being fucked by another woman's husband will do that you think?" she asked with her hands on her hips, in the pose like a boxer who had just knocked down his opponent, standing over her flattened adversary like she was ready to finish him off.
I stood up from my chair and took the brochure and turned it towards her.
"I just thought it might be something you might be interested in.
You used to like sex.
I don't know.
I thought it might help.
You seem so depressed lately," I said.
"You haven't wanted sex with me for months.
You are obviously unhappy.
I was willing to try anything.
Really, anything.
It wasn't something I had ever thought about, but I would try it if it would help get you out of whatever it is that's got you so depressed."
She suddenly collapsed on the chair behind her and started to cry.
"I am so sorry," she said in an instant turnaround, looking positively miserable.
"I don't know what is wrong lately."
She was quiet for a while, then she looked up and smiled sheepishly.
"I haven't been a very good wife lately," she said.
"I am so, so sorry," she said.
"I don't know what is wrong with me."
"I am willing to try anything.
Really," I said, "absolutely anything.
I love you more than I can even express.
There is nothing I won't do for you.
If you want it, I will do it," I said.
"Anything, anybody, anyway.
I will try whatever it is you think you need," I said, pleading my case and trying make her understand how serious I was.
She was quiet for a long time.
We simply looked at one another, with neither of us knowing what to say.
Finally, she raised her head and smiled at me with the saddest eyes I think I have ever seen.
"I have been having temptations lately that frighten me," she confessed.
"I am ashamed of them, embarrassed at myself and what I have been thinking about lately."
I put my hand on her cheek.
"You don't need to be ashamed of anything," I said.
"You mean like other people?" I asked.
She nodded.
"That is perfectly normal.
Everyone has feelings like that.
Curiosity.
That is normal.
Everyone thinks about what it would be like to be with someone else.
I have, but I want to be with you," I said.
"But sexual curiosity is common.
Some people even experiment.
Some people share their partners with others," I said.
"If you need that, I could handle that if I had to.
You think you might want that?"
"I don't know," she said.
"Maybe.
I don't know."
She shrugged.
"Think about it.
If you need that, then I can do it.
Even if you don't want me to have sex with anyone else, but if that is what you want, I can do that," I said, taking her into my arms.
We held each other for a long time.
"I swear I will do whatever you need, whatever it takes."
"You wouldn't hate me if I wanted sex with someone else?" she asked with a voice so dejected and meek that it nearly killed me to hear.
"I couldn't hate you if you wanted to screw everybody I know," I said.
She laughed and dried her eyes on her sleeve.
She shook her head.
"Not everyone you know," she said shaking her head still.
"I don't like everyone you know."
I laughed and kissed her again tenderly.
"Everyone you like," I said with a chuckle, trying hard to keep her joking, keep her smiling.
Again, she shook her head and laugh-cried at the same time.
"I didn't think I would ever have these thoughts," she said tearfully.
"I have felt so guilty, so depraved, so immoral," she said sadly. We held each other without speaking.
I waited for her to go on, but she was silent.
Finally, she spoke.
"Could you really handle that?" she asked in nearly a whisper, but a hopeful whisper.
I kissed her, told her I could do anything she needed to make her happy, and assured her things would be okay.
"But could you?" she asked again.
I just nodded and we sat on the couch and were quiet.
Without saying anything more we spent the evening without talking about it, had a quiet dinner, and went to bed early.
In bed she put her arms around my body and began to cry again, snuggling against me, then she asked what I wanted to do.
"I want to do whatever you need," I said.
She didn't say anything for a long time, then she sighed and said, "What if I was with somebody else?" she asked quietly.
"Do you love me?" I asked.
She said she did and I said that was all that mattered.
"Who would you like?" I asked next to her ear.
Without moving she whispered in a breathy voice, "Jake," she said timidly.
"Okay," I said, not really surprised by her answer.
He was a close friend, had been with us on many occasions and was single, athletic, and very handsome and personable.
Jake had been at our wedding and I had been surprised she was interested in me rather than him.
I knew many women were attracted to Jake, but I really didn't know Claire was one of them.
I immediately began thinking of how I could make things work for them.
"Would you like him here, or would you rather go some place with just the two of you?" I asked, thinking as I said it how I would let him know I was okay with his being with my wife.
"I think I would rather it be some place else," she said softly.
I said that would be fine.
"Do you think he knows?" I asked.
She said she didn't think so, because she had never talked to him about the two of them.
I asked how long she had been having those feelings about him.
"I am not sure," she said.
"For a while.
I guess it has been about ten months."
Clearly she was sure. That went along with the amount of time I had noticed her depression and lack of enthusiasm for just about anything.
"I am not interested in the swinger's lifestyle, and I guess that's not fair to you, but.... " I said not to worry about what is fair for me.
"Let's just get you back to normal and take care of you," I said.
"Would you like to have me talk to Jake, or do you want to do it?" I asked.
She thought for a minute.
"I think I'd like to," she said.
"I need to tell him you are okay with it.
I think he needs to hear it from me, so he will know I am really serious."
I knew that was probably true.
I did know I wanted it for her, but what I wasn't sure of is how I would handle it.
I had never thought of her with anyone else, so it was not a fantasy of mine like some guys.
I have heard about men who dream of their wives being with other men, but it was not true for me.
What would I do and how would I feel while she was with him?
Over the next few days I could not think of anything but Claire having sex with Jake.
I went through spells of jealousy,
depression, and insecurity.
I did have a friend who I knew was in an open relationship, and I wondered if talking to him would help.
That would, of course, mean I would reveal to someone else that Claire was interested in another man.
My insecurity eliminated that possibility pretty quickly.