It was a small town, so small that my new job there became something of a topic of conversation at
Nan's Café
, the
Federated Bank
, and the
Quick Trip,
which was pretty much the extent of downtown Fair Oaks.
I wasn't altogether comfortable with that kind of attention, but from what one of my new colleagues was about to tell me, the reviews were overwhelmingly positive. Still, that wasn't necessarily a good thing.
Jeff Hackbarth was a topic of conversation himself. He went out his way to attract attention, mostly by saying provocative, obnoxious, and downright silly things to anyone and everyone who would listen. And when you're the varsity football
and
basketball coach in small town Michigan, anyone and everyone
wants
to listen.
I don't know why Jeff picked me out to befriend. I wasn't exactly the typical jock. But despite his burly frame and prodigious athletic talents, Jeff was not a typical jock either.
Like me, he was a teacher -- Physical Education, if that actually counts -- but at
Fair Oaks Middle School
, which was only a hundred yards from the front entrance to
Fair Oaks High School
, where I had just been hired to teach English. As I would soon come to learn, Jeff had his own eccentricities, as well as his own ulterior motives in seeking me out.
I found out later that he was looking for an assistant basketball coach for the upcoming season, and Keith Joyce, my principal at the high school, had told him that I had coached the year before at a small high school in Minnesota. That was true, but not because I had sought the position or even desired it. I basically didn't have a choice.
When I was hired at Madison High School, I was told that if I wanted the English position, I had to coach basketball and serve as the drama director. My former principal reasoned that since I had played basketball in high school and had also acted in plays -- one play, that is -- I was more than qualified to do both. The standards weren't real high at Madison.
I would probably have been better off telling the guy to get fucked. It was an awful school, and I hated every minute I was there. I told them I wasn't returning a month before the end of the school year when we had to turn in our contract offers for next year. I hadn't even secured another teaching job, but I was not going back to Madison, no matter what.
On the other hand, that one year of experience had earned me the position at
FOHS
(Our motto:
Everyone's Friends at FOHS!
). Mr. Joyce had essentially hired me over the phone. I drove east to Fair Oaks for an interview, but it became clear to me that I had the job after the first five minutes in his office.
I wish I had known -- I might have saved myself a six hour drive. But going to Fair Oaks was an excuse to go back home and visit my family anyway, so I wasn't complaining. My mother and most of my siblings still lived near Rochester, where I had grown up. That was another four hours east, but now I was back in my home state and a whole lot closer to family and friends.
And now Jeff Hackbarth was looking for me, and sure enough, one day he found me. It was a late afternoon about a month into the new school year. I was walking out the front doors of the high school when a young guy a year or two older than myself stopped me on the steps.
It was about 5:30 in the afternoon, and no one else was around. "You must be the new English teacher," he said smiling and sticking a meaty paw out toward me. "I'm Jeff Hackbarth. I coach here at the high school."
He had a pair of those idiotic looking coaching shorts sticking to his ass. You know the ones with about a two inch elastic band around the waist that bottomed out about two feet above his knees, the same kind that every numb-from-the-neck-up asshole who ever dangled a fucking whistle around his neck also wore. Jeff had a whistle dangling around his neck, so he had clearly just come from practice. It was one of the first days of October, so my initial impression was even worse -- he had just come from, god forbid,
football
practice.
As I would have suspected, he carried a clipboard under his arm, but then I noticed that on top of that clipboard, he had two books --
Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance
and
The Light Around the Body
by Robert Bly. Either this guy had just found somebody else's books laying near the football field, which didn't seem likely because no one else in Fair Oaks was likely to read such works, or I was talking to the most unusual football coach I had ever heard of, much less met.
I reached out to shake his hand, and his thick fist swallowed mine. "Nice to meet you," I said. "I'm Jeff, too -- Jeff Miller."
"Yeah, I've heard all about you," Jeff said. "You're the talk of the town!"
I was a little taken aback. "I am, huh? How's that?"
"Well, you're a new teacher, and you're not old and crusty, at least, not yet. So, of course,
they're
talking."
"Well, what are
they
saying?" I asked, not sure that I wanted to know.
"Well, whose opinion do you want first?" Jeff asked with a smile.
"I don't know who's offering their opinions, so I guess it doesn't matter. So... what
have
you heard?" I asked. I was interested in how I was being received, no matter whether I wanted to admit it or not.
"Well, I was having breakfast at
Nan's
last week, and there were three or four parents in there that spoke really highly of you and were quite impressed with your teaching. Their kids were all boys, and they seemed to think that you not only knew your shit, but that you were keeping the boys, in particular, engaged. They said their kids had told them that you'd actually taught them a lot of really valuable things, and that you went out of your way to make class fun and interesting. Something about 'good discussions.'"
"That's nice to hear, I guess," I said with a smile.
"Then, I talked to a bunch of the guys on my team. They have the impression that you're a pretty cool, dude. That's not too hard to be here in Fair Oaks, considering how backwards it is, but it's still a ringing endorsement. High school boys usually eat English teachers for breakfast."
"I don't really know what constitutes high school cool anymore, but I guess I'd rather be cool than the alternative," I said. "Especially if the alternative means being served up to linebackers and offensive tackles. Who else is talking besides the football players?"
"Well, then there are the girls. I think you'll be happier to hear their opinions."
"Oh, yeah?"
"Yeah, they think you're cute," Jeff said with a huge grin. I felt like I had walked into some alternative universe -- a football coach had just used the word "cute" to describe a fellow male, and he didn't mean "smartass" and didn't appear to be gay.
"And that's the PG version," he continued. "I heard that in the bank from some of the girls' mothers, and the mothers seemed to concur with their daughters' opinions on that score. Looks like you've got two generations after you!"
"And what about the other version?" I asked with embarrassment.
"Well, there's Sandi Mortensen's -- I'd look out for
her
if I were you," Jeff said, completely entertained by spreading the gossip. "I was in the