Why Not Mrs. Holtz? 01

Why Not, Mrs. Holtz? 01

So, I'm Matt, I'm 22 and I've worked at the big grocery store in the city of Middleton since it was just a summer job for me and now, mm-hmm, I have enough seniority at my job to be that guy or that person, I should say, who has the magic badge around my neck on a lanyard to [bleep, bloop, beep, bleep] fix every problem at the grocery store, whether it's at a self-checkout register or at a cashier register or even at any of the counters like the pantry deli and bakery area. And I can suddenly open a closed register whenever I want to ease congestion when the checkout lanes fill up. And you can judge me for only doing that for women, I don't care. And, and, and, it's not considered as kidnapping just because I sometimes hook the little 'lane closed' chain behind them either, so.

[Deli Pantry area commotion, bickering and verbal commotion]

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, what's all the commotion and bickering going on here, huh? And I'm asking you, Janet, since you work here and know as well as anybody that the customer is always right, so?"

"Oh, I mean, it's nothing, manager Matt. It's just that Mrs. Holtz here, still can't get over how I held demonstrations for the birds and the bees talk that Mrs. Holtz gave to her son, Mark and I was being very pleasant back with my response by reminding Mrs. Holtz that since our store carries the Middlton MILF Monthly magazine, mm-hmm, that she deserves a cover story since she actually uses her gym equipment, so?"

Well, hells bells, right? Janet is quite nice most of the time and I'm pretty sure that Mrs. Holtz would look quite nice while semi-nude on a bed in sexy lingerie, so, what was I do as the manager since it sounded like a tie to me, huh?

"Alright then, Janet, if you have Mrs. Holtz's deli order information, then get to work on that. And, and, and, Mrs. Holtz, I mean, Mark was going to get a girlfriend sooner or later anyways and, and, and, I'm pretty sure that Janet is the reason that Mark stabbed holes in Vinyl Vicki. And her clone, Plastic Pippa. And her clone, Rubbery Ruth."

"Mm-hmm! Well, um, fine."

"Great, now, Mrs. Holtz, just go finish with your other shopping and I'll open a closed checkout lane to make a swift move on you, argh, I mean to swiftly move you through the checkout process and then everything will be just fine, so, um, is everybody happy?"

[The ladies bid each other a pleasant good day and goodbye]

"Mm-hmm, mm-hmm! [Crossed arms] Janet!"

"Oh, um, mm-hmm, mm-hmm [crosses arms], Mrs. Holtz!"

Well, women have their own language and way to communicate with each other and that's that.

[A short time later]

"[Squeak, squawk] mm-hmm, shoppers, the "we're crying" deli trays and cooked shrimp cocktail rings are prepared and ready for, mm-hmm, you know who you are, mean ole Mrs. Middleton MILF Monthly, mm-hmm, so please make your way to the checkout lanes soon, mm-hmm [squeak, squawk]."

See? Janet made that sound rather nice, right? I mean, I could hear a scurry of other housewives all of a sudden, make their way to the front of the store, LOL, but Mrs. Holtz is the most deserving of a cover.

Oh, and you can judge me for how I shuffled Mrs. Holtz swiftly to closed lane #7, I don't care. And she didn't seem to mind all that much that I shuffled her with my hand on her magazine cover worthy back.

Oh, I almost forgot, LOL, mm-hmm!

[Shuffles through the gathering crowd of MILF wannabees]

"Mm-hmm, I'm awfully glad for your personal attention, Matt, but shouldn't I be following you to the cash register that you're going to open for me, instead of the other way around, hmm?

"(Chuckles) I mean, Mrs. Holtz, I have to be behind you so that I can imprison you, I mean, close the lane behind you with the little 'lane closed' chain, so I have to follow behind you (chuckles). Now, just keep your bouncing balls bouncing forward and hook your shopping cart into lane 7 (chuckles)."

"Mm-hmm, men always want to hook a woman and then imprison her bouncing balls with chains, Matt, mm-hmm!"

(Chuckles) well, Mrs. Holtz kept going with her shopping cart and kept the bouncing balls rhythm going, so, I just followed her bouncing balls. And the 'lane closed' chain isn't big enough to actually imprison anyone.

[The 'lane closed' chain goes rumple, rumple, rumple across the left booty rumple and then the right booty rumple]

"Mm-hmm! I felt that, Matt!"

"(Chuckles) well, let's move past that and see what you've been shopping for, Mrs. Holtz, shall we, huh?"

[Clink, scan, bleep, clink, scan, bleep, clink, scan, bleep, clink, scan, bleep, clink, scan, bleep]

"Well, well, well, Mrs. Holtz, five bottles of red wine sounds like there might be a gossip club meeting tonight or something, right, Mrs. Holtz?"

"(Giggles) not exactly, Matt, but it is a merger of the Disgruntled Ladies Club and the Frustrated Housewives Club (giggles) tonight. And it's an audition to be more welcomed and accepted into the Gossip Club, so what? And by the way, Matt, we're meeting at mean ole Jean McClean's place tonight, so?"

[Erk! Hit the brakes and back up the truck and rescan! Bleep, scans wine discount x 5 bottles, bleep]

"Wait, Mrs. Holtz, do you mean like two doors down from my place? My place, two doors down from mean ole Mrs. McClean, my place with a small inground and heated pool that has new accent lighting, huh? I mean, like two doors down, like how you could park your car in my driveway and casually stroll down the sidewalk to your crying meeting, huh? That mean ole Mrs. McClean's place?"

"(Giggles) mm-hmm, and silly me for thinking it would take you a little longer to stick your foot into your mouth, Matt, so (giggles), I guess this really is the express lane then, mm-hmm."

[Mrs. Kline from the Dainty Gloves Ladies Club perks her ears up in the lane #6]

So, I don't exactly get the inground pool that came with the house that I bought, but on the brighter side, if you're a dedicated swimmer and you keep score with your laps, I mean, yeah, you can swim like 100 laps a minute in my pool.

"[Squeak, squawk] Janet, please bring the two premium deli cheese & cracker platters and two cooked shrimp cocktail rings up to register 7 for a crying night [squeak, squawk]. So, Mrs. Holtz, you should think about tossing a swimming bikini in your car tonight since you're going to park in my driveway or you know, just wear a swimming bikini under whatever it is your wearing tonight because it's exactly the same, especially if it's a black swimming bikini, so?"

[Mrs. Kline leans heavy sideways to hear from over the impulse buying candy shelves]

"Mm-hmm, at least you've grown into a man, Matt, because that's exactly what a man would say about it being exactly the same and there are plenty of 'why not' reasons for why that's not happening tonight, mm-hmm, even though I only seem to have like three 'why not' reasons floating around in my head right now. But it's been my experience in life that men have actually evolved to eat their shoes when they put their foot in their mouth and without any shrimp cocktail sauce, mm-hmm, so, keep talking while I think of a couple more 'why not' reasons because I think the legit number should be closer to fifteen, mm-hmm."

"Aw, come on, Mrs. Holtz, what's the harm of dipping our toes into the pool tonight, say, what, like just about 10pm or something, huh? I mean, I'll be home all night and you have my number, so?"

[Crash, Mrs. Kline over leans with her perked up ears and loses her footing and slams the candy shelves]

"Mm-hmm, that's one of the 'why not' reasons down then, Matt, because you have much to learn about when a woman decides to get her hair wet [reaches back and somehow quickly pins her hair up into a bun]. And according to the movies that I have saw before, mm-hmm, toe dipping leads to legs splashing and legs splashing leads to becoming halfway wet already and then from being halfway wet already, mm-hmm, that always, always, always leads to somebody ending up in the pool, mm-hmm. And when it's the woman who ends up in the pool, mm-hmm, I mean, doesn't the woman always bobble around on her tippy toes while trying to keep her hair dry and ends up bobbing up and down in the pool water right between the man's legs as he straddles the side of the pool, just like in the movies, hmm, Matt? Mm-hmm!"

[Whew, Danity Gloves Ladies Club, Mrs. Kline nearly passes out. And buys a movie ticket on her phone]

Oh, I'm sorry, but I said that I worked at the big grocery store, folks. I never said that I'm a movie script writer. And I only saw that in like 13 movies, so.

"I mean, Mrs. Holtz, I think you skipped a couple of steps because..."

"Mm-hmm, I skipped over how two people dipping their toes into a pool and playing footsies are also probably rubbings legs and thighs together in the beginning, mm-hmm and then clinking wine glasses, mm-hmm and smooshing and smooching is always, always, always a perfect pairing with a glass of wine, mm-hmm and that's just another 'why not' reason why I won't be joining you tonight poolside because, mm-hmm, that's called a hot moment, mm-hmm! Also, I'm not saying the movies have it all wrong, but I am saying, um, well, I'm just saying something about something while I think of more 'why not' reasons for why our basically bare bodies won't be going rub bumping in the night tonight poolside, the end, mm-hmm."

[According to other shoppers in nearby lanes, LOL, it was best trashy e-novel they heard in a while!]

"Oh, well then, Mrs. Holtz, this is actually starting to sound like it's in my favor then because now, you're actually engaging back with trashy novel flirty conversation more than I am, mm-hmm! And just what is wrong with someone wearing a black bikini swim suit underneath of thin white cotton shorts while attending a Disgruntled and Frustrated club merger meeting anyways, huh? You know, while that certain someone is pretending to be participating in the trash talking discussion, all the while trying to think of a way to quietly slip out of the side door and stroll down the sidewalk where she parked her car and feels up to a quick toe dipping, huh?"

"Oh, mm-hmm, um, well then, Matt, I guess I had more verbal hanging rope in my purse than I thought I did because you're pretty deep in a hole that you can't crawl out of, so, mm-hmm! Also, you can pull a little more hanging rope out of my purse since Janet isn't here yet with my club crying snack platters and maybe because a couple of my latest 'why not' reasons seem to crumpling to pieces inside of my head, so."

Ah-hah! That one goes in the win column! Oops, LOL, mm-hmm!

"But lower your voice a little, Matt because I can clearly see that Mrs. Kindle from the Dainty Gloves Ladies Club has an ear perked up in the next lane and listening hard to our talk, mm-hmm!"

[Mrs. Kindle has an ear perked up so high that the shelves of impulse buying candy shelf that separate the checkout lanes is almost falling over and LOL, mm-hmm, Mrs. Kindle actually snags her dainty glove on the candy shelf bracket and can't break free]

"Alright then, Mrs. Holtz, since Janet is taking her sweet time knocking some old woman off of her battery powered handicap shopping buggy because it's too long of a walk up here to the front, let's talk about a few of your solid 'why not' reasons because I should be given the opportunity to respond, rebut, reflect, redirect, rethink, regroup and reiterate how a nice swimming bikini is almost exactly the same as evening satin lingerie, I mean, since I have so much verbal hanging rope left to pull out, so?"

"Mm-hmm, um, mm-hmm, um, oh, well then, Matt, one solid 'why not' reason is because, um, OMG, I'm 20 plus years older than you are and my second solid 'why not' reason is that even though my current selection of a swimming bikini is two pieces, um, that's the only reason why it qualifies as a bikini and, um, it's not all that flattering and for the life of me, I don't know what I was thinking when I purchased it from the MILF Bikini Shop on the Strip, but all that matters is that it's a solid 'why not' reason, the end, again. [Lowers eyes and whispers] (also, you wouldn't have to pull out), Matt."

Cha-Ching!

[That's it, eavesdropping Mrs. Kline literally passes out in the checkout lane!]

"Oh, well then, Mrs. Holtz, I can turn that 'why not' reason all the way around and say why not slip over to my place later tonight while wearing your flattering black satin lingerie, so, why not then, huh?"

"Oh, Matt, OMG, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm! Also, I think I should reel in some of the verbal hanging rope because, um, ooh, what is taking Janet so long because I seem to be losing my footing with my 'why not' reasons, like how Mrs. Kindle is losing her eavesdropping footing on the impulse buying candy shelf in the next checkout lane, so, um, I mean, um, just how many 'why not' reasons have we agreed upon so far, hmm?"

[Crash, nosey Mrs. Kindle wakes up and unsnags her dainty glove from the shelf bracket and crashes backwards, further holding up the line, but with a horny grin on her face as she starts group texting out the juicy details]

"Fine, Mrs. Holtz, I'll drop the whole thing because why waste how you know exactly how to pin your hair up into a bun quickly to help keep your hair dry and why argue so much about how after just a few minutes, I mean, a bikini or seductive lingerie, I mean, why argue about what's coming off anyways and then, why keep count and track of your 'why not' reasons that are crumpling since the real question is, why we haven't hooked up already in the past, so, I'm throwing my hands in the air."

"Mm-hmm, the ole guilt trip then, hmm, Matt? Or as I like to call it, "why not" reasons #8, 9 & 10! But good catch for how I let you know that my hair can be somewhat protected by putting it up into a bun, but that's just a grey area in between "why" and "why not" and nothing more and mm-hmm, I have nothing to say back to any of that, but, mm-hmm, because just where is Janet with my crying night deli cheese & crackers platters and the shrimp cocktail rings, hmm?"

[Whirl, whirl, whirl, Janet approaches register 7 in a handicap electric shopping cart with the goodies]

"Mm-hmm, that's two "we're crying" special ordered deli cheese & cracker trays and two "we're lonely" cooked shrimp cocktail rings for a 40 something lady's merger club meeting tonight, mm-hmm."

[But Janet didn't set the brake on the handicap electric shopping cart, so, mm-hmm, it kept going and crashed into the penny coin bronco rocking horse near the front windows, mm-hmm, crash]

"[Janet peeks at the cashier screen] mm-hmm, that's a nice discount, mm-hmm and the crying should be good tonight, mm-hmm. Anyways, I swung my stolen handicap shopping buggy past the breakfast meat coolers, mm-hmm and snagged this bulk packaged tube of squishy sausage, mm-hmm, because you know all about a flimsy tube that is squishy, right Mrs. Holtz?"

[OMG, Janet presents the tube of sausage is a very story telling way towards Mrs. Holtz and actually squishy squeezes it a couple of times. And Mrs. Kline in the next checkout lane will never be the same]

"[Whips out something else] and oh, I swung past the fruit and veggie area and grabbed this bunch of ripe and firm bananas because mm-hmm, bananas like their poolside toe dipping dates in a seductive pair of black lace boy shorts undies as a poolside bikini bottom and a matching hair bra, mm-hmm!"

Well, all of us employees are on the same headset communication system and Janet managed to hack hers so she can listen into all of the conversations, so.

"OMG, mm-hmm, now I'm going to pass out like Mrs. Kline in the next lane, mm-hmm!"

[The shaky Mrs. Holtz hand waves off the squishy sausage tube, but, LOL, snatches that bunch of bananas]

"Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, are we through now, Matt, hmm?"

[Click, click, click, zip, zip, zip, rip]

"Here is your receipt, Mrs. Holtz [circles the survey link at the bottom of the receipt] and please take our survey using the link that I've circled with a yellow highlighter pen, mm-hmm and please be truthful in the comments area about how all of your 'why not' reasons have fallen apart, mm-hmm. Also, I'm not exactly sure what black lace boy shorts undies are, but the matching hair bra sounds perfect to me, so?"

"Oh, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, I've already qualified you as a man, Matt, so, mm-hmm, wet black lace boy shorts undies would have you under my spell [snaps fingers] like that! Isn't that right, Mrs. Nosey Kline, in the next lane over, hmm?"

"[Frantic gossip group texting] mm-hmm, mm-hmm, keep talking and get to the hair bra, mm-hmm [text tap, tap, tap, send, send, send]."

"Oh, mm-hmm, that's a bucket list item, so, mm-hmm, especially poolside in the dim light, mm-hmm, but back to you, Matt, my current tally of 'why not' and 'why' reasons seem to have balanced out to a tie, mm-hmm, so, um, I'm at a loss from here, but thanks for the trashy e-novel customer support, I guess."

[More frantic group texting, mm-hmm, sexy wet undies, mm-hmm, both boobs out, mm-hmm, alluring red, um, mm-hmm, hold please]

"Mm-hmm and what color lipstick matches up with pool water wet soaked lace undies and a curly hair bra with wet tips over your nips, Mrs. Holtz, hmm?"

"(Giggles) mm-hmm, because right now, mm-hmm, I can't come up with a single 'why not' reason for why a stud man shouldn't be able to glance down and moan over a pair of Midnight Passion Red lips do their work, mm-hmm, wouldn't you agree, Mrs. Kline, hmm?"

[Crash, Mrs. Kline from the Dainty Gloves Club is done for and passes out again! But not before sending one last Midnight Passion Red lipstick text as she falls back like the scenes in the movies where the bad guy still manages to get off a few gun shots as the good guy pushes him out of a skyscraper window]

Well, here's what happened. LOL, we had company. But I had just enough friends to match up the numbers and other than how mean ole Mrs. Jean McClean seriously needs an update to bring her lingerie up to sexy, Greg didn't seem to mind, mm-hmm, and it was a flirtatious toe dipping pool party to remember.

End Why Not, Mrs. Holtz? 01