When We Were Young

CHAPTER SEVEN: PRESENT DAY

In the hour before Novie's sixth birthday party, it was an absolute madhouse over at my childhood home, where all of us sisters had our family parties since Bianca had inherited it from Mom. Bianca chased the kids around while Sienna and I finished up in the kitchen. She was the family baker, carefully finishing the piping on Novie's over-the-top pink cake, while I handled the plates of finger foods and mixed up a few pitchers of lemonade and punch.

"So," Sienna broached carefully, "did Beck end up with an invitation today?"

My cheeks threatened to blush, but I focused on the tasks ahead of me to try to stop it from happening. I kept it short: "Yes. As a friend."

"As a friend?" She nudged me in the ribs and then poked my neck where a fading reddish circle peeked out from the neckline of my shirt. I pulled it over and glared. Sienna teased, "So what do you call this, then? Burn your neck with a curling iron?"

I slapped her hand. "Mind finishing your work over there? Other kids will be here any minute and I want to make sure that cake is away from their little fingers until cutting time."

She raised her hands like 'Don't shoot the messenger' and finished working on her pre-party tasks. Before I could fully drop the topic by skirting out of the room with the snacks, she said, "If you need me to run interference with him, just flash me a signal."

I rolled my eyes and started moving the food out to the buffet table we'd set up in the living room. Bianca had set up all kinds of games and crafts; she was such a super parent that she could make a birthday party happen seemingly instantaneously. At the moment, she was hanging up the last of the colorful streamers. She'd managed to wrangle all four cousins into one room with even her youngest quietly occupied. A miracle worker, frankly.

Once I had the food set up, Novie pattered over to me and reached up for me to pick her up. I knew she was getting too old for it, but I couldn't help myself. Days with a kid small enough to set on your hip are limited. I scooped her up, offered a beaming smile, and said, "You are just so beautiful today! Look at that pretty crown; did Auntie Bianca get that for you?"

She nodded and the little silver tiara bounced in her dark hair. "Because today's my special day."

"Yes, it is, little love." I laughed and spun her around. Then the first knock of the coming deluge sounded out from the front door. I set Novie down, straightened out her yellow party dress, and asked, "Want to go let them in with me?"

She nodded eagerly, grabbing my hand and dragging me toward the door with surprising strength for someone so small. I chuckled as we reached the foyer. As she flung the door open wide and showed off her dress and the decorations and a million other things, my heart swelled. It was an always-fleeting feeling, but I had the sense that she was having the kind of childhood she deserved. This was what birthdays were all about -- unfiltered happiness. I'd had a good enough childhood, and I hoped hers was a hundred times better already.

After that, the doorbell continued its relentless ringing, signaling the arrival of guest after guest. A chorus of voices erupted as more and more preschoolers flooded in, each one clutching a brightly wrapped gift or a hand-drawn card. Rachel arrived with her sister and her two nieces who went to the elementary school Novie would join next year. It was perpetually out of my comfort zone, but I entered parent/host mode quickly. I ushered the kids into the living area while exchanging quick pleasantries with the parents, some of whom blessedly stayed to help me out. The noise level rose exponentially. Usually the level of chaos would annoy me, but it was all high-pitched giggles and shouts of joy. Hard to be irritated by.

When the initial rush began to subside. I finally took a moment to breathe, leaning against the doorframe between the kitchen and living room. Bianca was expertly leading a group of kids in a craft activity at the dining table while Sienna was already handing out snacks and drinks to the little ones who had finished their projects. It was controlled mayhem, but we were all managing to keep our heads above water.

I turned into the quieter kitchen to grab myself a glass of water and start preparing for the first shift of cleanup duty once we started the movie in a few minutes.

And then I saw Beck.

He was standing near the side door, his presence undetectable amid the bustling activity. He hadn't made a grand entrance, hadn't called attention to himself in any way. Instead, he was quietly observing the scene, a small smile playing at the corners of his mouth as he watched me navigate the party with practiced ease. For some reason, anxiety knotted up in the pit of my stomach. This was his first time seeing me as a mother and not a lover -- and, more importantly, this would be my first time seeing him as even a fraction of a percent of a father.

Our eyes met across the room, and for a moment, the noise and chaos faded away, leaving just the two of us in a bubble of unspoken understanding. His gaze was steady and warm, and it held a promise I couldn't quite reach. The look he gave me was one of quiet confidence, and it sent a thrill through me, reminding me of this new burst of romance and lust and connection we'd been dancing around for weeks.

Before I could lose myself in the moment, cross the kitchen, fall into his arms, Novie tugged at my hand, demanding my attention once more. I tore my eyes away from Beck, focusing on the excited little girl in front of me. Still, I felt his eyes on the two of us.

Her smile was brighter than I'd ever seen it and I dropped down on my knees to match her gaze. I asked, "Having fun, bug?"

She nodded fast and asked, "Can we do presents now?"

"Remember what we agreed?"

She sighed and stomped her foot. I stifled a laugh as she said like it was the greatest injustice in the world, "No cake and presents until after the movie."

"And do you remember why?"

Then her smile turned mischievous. Quietly, she replied, "So all the other parents have to deal with the sugar rushes."

I gave her a wink. "Our little secret, remember?"

She nodded again and trotted back out to the party. I followed close behind to get the movie set up and the kids settled. My sisters had dragged out all the couch cushions and pillows from around the house so they could settle in cozy places. We handed out snacks to help them settle and dimmed the lights. The house quieted down once the latest Disney movie was on for them to nod off or whisper to.

I slipped back into the kitchen and leaned against the counter, running my hand through my hair and sucking in a deep breath. I felt Beck's hand on my upper back. It steadied me.

Keeping his voice low, he said, "You're amazing with her. Doing okay with the party?"

"Surviving," I replied. "Have you talked to Bianca or Sienna yet?"

"I talked a bit with Rachel, actually. Seems your sisters have been gossipping; everyone in town knows I'm here."

I cut him a look. "And do they know anything else?"

"Just that we hooked up at Rachel's party." He moved a lock of stray hair behind my ear and then mumbled against it, "But not that we've been hooking up ever since."

I took a step to the side and searched his face. "And it's going to stay that way, right?"

"Of course, whatever's best for you both," he agreed. His voice wavered, though, and he pulled back from me. His eyes searched mine. Then he said, "She's really beautiful, Mari."

My stomach flipped. Everything he said felt important today and cut right through any other thoughts I had. Guilt was an anvil in my chest. "Yeah. She's perfect."

Then he actually got choked up for a second. His eyes watered and it took everything in me not to wrap him in a hug right then and there. It didn't feel like I had the right, though, after keeping this from him for so long.

Beck stammered, trying to rein in the countless emotions he must've been flying through in that moment, as he added in a rambling, tear-strained voice, "She, ah, she has my smile, like you said. I had to have braces for that one tooth; she probably will, too. Sorry about that; it's a bitch of a few years. God. My smile. But- but you didn't mention the dimples."

A couple of tears broke through his tight expression and he swiped them away. His eyes never broke mine, just looking for something in my expression, as he said, "She has my dimples. My mom's dimples -- did you know that? You've seen the pictures. I got them from her. And Novie got them from me. Christ, she looks so much like both of our moms."

Then He stifled a sharp, almost sobbing breath. Then he turned away from me and breathed deeply for a few seconds. "Sorry, I'm- this is just a lot."

I placed my hand on his shoulder. "Oh fuck, I'm sorry. Beck, if this is all too much right now you don't-"

"No, no, no." He cut me off and took my hand. His green eyes were more intense than I'd ever seen them. "This is the best 'a lot' I've ever felt."

"Good." I wiped another tear from his cheek and smiled softly, pressing my forehead briefly to his chest. For a second, I let him hold me. Let myself hold him. I shouldn't have, but I did. Then I stepped back and asked, to break the stifling, jagged, excruciating tenderness of this moment, "Can I offer you some cake at least?"

Beck pulled in another deep breath, squeezed my hand, and said, "Definitely."

As the afternoon sun began to dip, casting that nostalgic golden glow through the windows, the kids gathered around the dining table, eyes wide and hands clapping in anticipation as Bianca brought out Novie's birthday cake. Beck hung back by the other parents while I primed my camera.

The cake was beautiful, two layers of pink and lavender frosting, delicate piping, and buttercream roses at the top between the circle of six candles. Novie's eyes lit up as Sienna carefully placed it in front of her. Everyone crowded around, then, and I felt Beck stand behind me. Subtly, knowing that nobody could see, he rested his hand at the small of my back.

The familiar tune of 'Happy Birthday' filled the room, but I was too choked up to sing. I just mouthed the words. Everyone would assume I was just a crazy sentimental Mom -- which I undoubtedly was; birthdays had felt different since my own mother died -- but this felt so much stronger than any of her milestones before. I watched Novie's face screwing up in excited anticipation. She'd always taken her birthday wishes very seriously for a five-year-old. Six-year-old. Surrounded by her cousins and friends, their voices blending into one happy chorus, she blew out her candles in one strong puff.

I took a deep breath as she did, kneeling down next to her and clapping. I planted a firm kiss on her cheek, knowing this would be one of the last parties where she wouldn't be embarrassed by it, and asked, "What did you wish for?"

She rolled her eyes at my stupidity. "I can't tell you, obviously."

I shot a playful look to Sienna. "I regret teaching her that word every day."

Then Sienna whisked the cake off to be cut and I gave Novie a tight hug. When I pulled back, her hand smudged a tear from my cheek. Her eyebrows nudged together as she asked, "You okay, Mommy? You're crying."

She only called me 'Mommy' lately when nobody else was listening. I smiled and assured her of half the truth, "Just happy, baby girl. You're growing up too fast, I think."

"Just right," she disagreed.

"You're definitely too smart," I teased. Then I asked the room, "Who wants cake?"

As thirty little hands shot into the air, I laughed and stood up. The next hour passed in a blur of sugar-fueled excitement. The kids devoured their cake, frosting smeared across their faces, and then swarmed the living room to see what Novie had gotten from everyone. Wrapping paper flew through the air as Novie ripped open the gifts, exclaiming over each new toy and book. She even managed to say thank you for all of them, which made me beyond proud. The adults stood back, letting the chaos unfold with indulgent smiles, though I could sense the nervous energy growing between us.

As the last of the presents were opened and admired, the other parents started to gather their children and make their goodbyes. One by one, they thanked us for the party, herded their kids to the door, and left with promises to meet up again soon.

The noise and bustle gradually quieted until it was just me, Bianca, Sienna, Beck, Novie, and her three cousins left in the house.

The atmosphere shifted as the door closed behind the last few guests. The room, once filled with laughter and energy, now felt quieter, more intimate. I glanced at my sisters, each of us aware of what was coming next. Sienna, still bubbling with excitement, couldn't stop glancing between Beck and Novie, eager for the moment they would finally meet. Bianca, on the other hand, was more reserved, her gaze lingering on Beck with a hint of suspicion that she hadn't yet shaken over the past few weeks.

"Well," I said, trying to break the tension as I began gathering plates and cups from the living room, "nothing broken, no bleeding, no major meltdowns. I'd call that a successful party. Novie, did you have fun?"

Novie, still clutching a new stuffed animal, nodded enthusiastically. "Yes! It was the best birthday ever!"

"Good," I said, forcing a smile as I began stacking the empty plates. Sienna quickly joined in to clear the table with an energy that was almost contagious. Almost. "Let's get this place cleaned up so Auntie Bianca won't yell at us."

Bianca was methodical in her nonverbal interrogation of Beck. Her eyes flickered over him as she gathered the wrapping paper and boxes. There was a definite tension between them; I had a feeling she'd spoken to Beck without either of them telling me.

Beck, sensing the unspoken undercurrents, offered to help, his voice careful and measured. He collected a pile of cups and napkins and asked, "Where can I put these?"

"Just over there on the counter," Bianca said, tone polite but distant. I knew she'd try if I asked her to, but I wasn't ready to call her off just yet. She could still be right about so much of this, and I wanted my big sister in my corner if I needed her down the road, even if it came with the occasional 'I told you so.'

"Thanks for helping out," I told Beck, wanting to smooth things over in the meantime as I moved to the kitchen with the plates. The big introduction was looming, and I wasn't sure how to feel about it. My nerves were frayed even though I'd been bracing myself for this all day, really since I'd known he was back in town again.

Beck placed the cups on the counter then turned to look at me with a soft expression. We wanted to reach out to each other but he kept a respectful, platonic distance. "You all did a great job today."

"Thanks," I murmured without meeting his eyes.

We went back to the living room to start taking down decorations, but we didn't get very far. My sisters were clearly conspiring, as per usual, to move things along. They were whispering between themselves and cutting obvious glances in our direction.

At Sienna's prodding elbow in her ribs, Bianca rounded up the cousins and said, "Why don't we go upstairs and make sure everything's ready for school on Monday."

They protested but waddled like baby ducks behind her soon enough. I could never be as strict as she was with her brood, but I did admire it sometimes, especially when she managed to get three sugar-high kids quiet and focused on homework.

My stomach churned with a mix of emotions: Anxiety, mostly, but a touch of relief. I wasn't ready for what was coming next, but I knew I couldn't delay it much longer.

Sienna excused herself to the kitchen to package up leftovers and finish cleaning.

It was just me, Beck, and our daughter in the living room.

Novie had always been a perceptive kid and she definitely felt the weird vibes radiating off all the adults in her life. She snuck behind my back and held on to me. To me, she said in a strong voice, "Mom, I don't know this man."

"Good job, baby. That's what we say when we see people we don't know in our safe spaces," I reminded her. I rubbed her back as she clung to my side. "But this is actually someone I wanted you to meet."

Her voice was tentative but interested. "Oh, okay. Who is he?"

"Novie," I said softly, my voice almost as tentative as hers, "this is Beck. He's an old friend of mine and your aunties."

She spied carefully around me to get a better look at him, her arms wrapped tight around my legs. "From when you were little too?"

"Not as little as you," I replied as I stroked her hair. "We were grownups, but just barely."

"Okay." She stepped out from behind me and stared up at him skeptically; in that moment, she looked like a miniature detective. Her face screwed up quizzically. "I thought Rachel was your only friend."

Beck laughed out loud behind me but covered it with his hands.

I realized for the first time how much Novie's laugh sounded like his.

I pulled in a deep breath to steady myself and said, "I have lots of friends. Your aunties are my friends and-"

She protested, "That doesn't count; they're your sisters!"

"Sisters can be friends." I sighed and clarified, "Your friends' parents are my friends, too, and I have friends from my store. I have a lot of friends I talk to when you go to school. And Beck is one of them."

Beck dropped down to Novie's level. His smile was warm and wide and genuine. His eyes were so soft that my heart ached. "Hey, Novie. I'm so glad to meet you; your mom talks about you all the time."

Novie tilted her head, big brown eyes still full of curiosity. "What does she say?"

"That you're really smart and you like pink and art and puzzles." His eyes crinkled at the corners as he watched her reactions carefully. "Is all that true?"

Novie's expression softened, then, a hint of pride in her smirk. She stepped out from behind me and said, "I know how to read, too."

"Smart, just like your mom." He smiled and nodded. "Do you have a favorite book?"

She hesitated for a moment and said, "I like Frog and Toad."

Beck's smile widened. "I loved those when I was your age. They made me want to study science in school."

Her eyes widened. "You're a scientist? Like in Back to the Future?"

"You've seen that, huh?" Beck gave me an amused look before turning back to her. "Not that kind, though. I study plants and animals and how we can help them."

Novie gave him a solemn look that made her cherubic face so charming. "It's very important that we help them."

He laughed again. "Your mom must be a good teacher. Maybe you can tell me about your Frog and Toad books sometime.

Novie considered this offer carefully, still sizing him up, still holding my hand, but I could see her defenses lowering. Finally, with a shy glance up to me, she added, "If it's okay with Mom."

I swallowed and felt the weight of words she didn't mean to be so heavy. This wasn't a playdate or a casual introduction to a customer at the shop on the weekends. This could be something much, much bigger someday -- custody discussions, cross-country summer vacations, weekends without her -- and pangs of nerves shot through my heart. Still, I wanted to do what was most fair to her, so I forced a smile and nodded. "It's okay, sweetheart, of course. Remember when I taught you about safe grownups?"

She nodded. I'd been careful to teach her all about being safe with adults and she knew that there were safe grownups besides me and her aunts, but that didn't make them parents. It was sort of one of our code words for 'I know this person and we can be nice to them' while still making sure she knew she could tell me about anything they did that she didn't like. I always wanted her to be empowered to make her own choices.