What Might Have Been

John sat staring out the hotel room looking at the changing colors. Over the last two years more and more nights alone were spent in hotel rooms. The rooms and hotels were more than just comfortable as far human conveniences, yet they were still cold and empty.

The last three and half years were filled with conflict within his mind and heart. Though he loved his family, he felt a great lost in his heart. The love of a wonderful tender woman was a vivid memory. As he looked out the window he smiled over how they had met and their relationship developed.

Recalling the day they met in person warmed his heart. Momentarily the empty hotel room felt warmer. That day his heart leapt with joy when she walked into the room. When she entered he was standing nervously at the far end of the room. In honor to her beauty and grace he swiftly removed his broad brimmed hat.

As she walked toward him she dropped her handbag. His heart raced. His hands fidgeted. As she came into his arms his throat felt dry. They momentarily looked into each other's face and eyes. Their lips met. The first kiss, the first cherished kiss was still vivid in his mind even these years later. As then his heart still rejoiced at the tenderness of her lips and the passion which flowed through them to him. Her kiss sucked his breath from him and rushed blood to throughout his body.

Within a few minutes his hands moved from holding her back to wondering her body. She encouraged him with a moan. She too began to do the same to his body. Their hands and fingers explored and danced with anticipation.

Still without a word being spoken they continued kissing. She helped him off with his sports jacket. Breaking their kiss, his shirt and pants were gently and slowly removed. Seeing his hardened bulge just inches from her face brought forth from her a radiant smile. Seeing her bright smile warmed his heart. From that moment he became captivated by her smile and the twinkle in her eyes. He longed to see that look again and again from her.

When she rose before him the couple again kissed with longing and desire. When their dynamic lover's kiss breathlessly concluded John took a half step backwards. Trying to control his nervousness he commenced to undress her with his quivering hands. As he undressed her he recalled the touch his fingers experienced moments before when he raised her skirt to play with her wonderfully full and rich ass.

As each item fell to the floor the soft curvy temple being reveled to him did not disappoint. The wonderfully voluptuous mature woman stirred him. His manhood recognized immediately that her body was made for worship. When her breasts were unveiled he discovered them to be ripe full fruit. He was compelled to seek the fruit with his hands and then lips. As a humble servant his lips kissed and licked her womanly mounds and nipples. He adored how her light areolas complemented her complexion. The softness of her breasts caused his heart to swoon and bound out a steady rhythm like a mad drummer.

The eager lover's heart was racing as his hands reached out to touch the fabric that was covering her womanhood. He fought the urge to swiftly remove them. He fought the urge. He looked with keenness upon that which was about to be revealed.

Intentionally he ran his fingers along the material between her thighs. As he touched her there she took a deep breath and moan quietly. Hooking his fingers inside her panties he drew them downward exposing her beauty to his feasting eyes. As his eyes looked with awe upon this older woman of true sensuous beauty, his loins twitched with anticipation.

He studied her womanly channel. The entrance to her inner sanctum was regal, flush with soft color like a palace entrance. Her blond womanly hair surrounded her loveliness without hiding its marvelous beauty from his view.

He smiled as his eyes drifted up to meet hers. Her grin told him that she was filled with equal joy and desire. Within a minute he laid her upon the bed with his lips exploring hers. Though this was their first meeting, their lovers' kiss and dance of love moved onward as if they had been communicating their desires and feelings for many joyful years.

He guided her to the bed. Maybe she drew him upon the bed. He could not recall as he was so captivated by her that he did not remember moving. All he remembered was that he found himself upon his knees hovering between her thighs as she beckoned him with her eyes.

With her legs invitingly spread his head descended to worship her moist womanly alter. From the first licks of her sweetness he was a willing supplicant. Her moaning encouraged him to continue his adulation. He unremittingly brought forth his eager adoration. Her breathing slowly increased. One finger messaged her extended clit while his tongue messaged her soft pink walls. Then suddenly its pace increased rapidly.

As he looked up he saw her chest heaving. Her breasts seemed to be dancing for him. His excitement increased and soon another finger joined his tongue in making love to here womanhood. Her hips began to dance. He recognized that this creature was about to enjoy a euphoric release. Her responses only encouraged him onward.

Minutes later when her hips ceased gyrating and her breath returned, she drew him with her hand. He moved over her. Their eyes were locked. Each saw desire and surrender. The joy of what they shared thus far fueled their passion for providing the other much more.

Hovering above her his hard manhood pointed forthrightly toward her home. It stood proudly before its desire. Her copious womanly fluids communicated her desire for him to make himself at home within her. As an act of further encouragement her knees drew upward opening her temple doors wide for him.

He needed no additional invitation to enter her inner sanctuary. Slowly his rigid shaft moved toward the inviting gates. As his shaft passed through her warm moist doors, his heart reverently meshed with hers. Welcoming him to her holy place her arms came around him. They moaned in unison as they enjoyed their union, a union of body, desire and heart.

If one was an observing fly on the wall, the fly would say that they were having sex, or fucking one another with earnestness. For him he was making love to a sexy woman who had touched his heart and soul through her emails and their chats. He was worshipping her fully and completely as he could.

As he moved within her he wanted her to experience the joy of release. In an intimate manner he wanted to affirm her and give love, a love that she had been so long without from her own husband.

He found her lovemaking skills to be energetic and powerful. It seemed that she too was worshipping his manhood and body. Repeatedly her hips wiggled and swayed drawing him toward his release. Her inner channel hugged him tightly. As he neared his joyous moment of release he slowed to calm himself. He wanted her to cum, and cum again, and still again. He wanted this erotic woman to be sated in body, soul, mind and heart.

They continued their lovemaking dance for over an hour. Her moist luscious lips repeatedly took his harden shaft between them. She made love to his cock in a manner that took his breath away.

He guided her upon her hands and knees so that he could once again worship at her temple alter. She encouraged him to worship her with exuberance. Yet before giving his sacrificial offering with cheerfulness he became more meditative. After a moment of slow meditation his pace grew more brisk. As he worshipped her from his posture of adoration her voice moaned aloud. Her breathing became more shallow and hurried. Her hips again encouraged him to come forth with his sacrifice of adoration. She communicated through her moans and body that she was again enjoying another moment of fulfillment.

After nearly fifty minutes into their joint worship experience she pushed him upon his back. It was time for their ceremony to come to its pinnacle and conclusion. As she adjusted herself upon his hardened pole, she looked lustfully and passionately into his eyes. He looked upon her to see the joyous dew of passion covering her face and body.

They were both still in need. She danced upon him like belly dancer. His eyes watched with adoration her womanly breast move upon her chest. As he studied them, his desire was to worship upon her temple mounts as often as possible.

It was not long before the lovers were again moaning breathlessly signaling that they were approaching that moment. As he approached the height of his adoration, he gazed into her eyes. There he saw reflected back that which he felt in his own heart, love and pleasure. He could not explain how or why, but at this first meeting they had come to that moment where a look proclaimed that they had moved toward the wonderful state of loving each other.

As the realization of the depth of their feelings came upon him he ushered forth his sacrifice into her temple. In response her temple quaked. The grip her temple had upon his shaft took his breath away. Her legs quaked and her body shook indicating that not only was his sacrifice being accepted, it was being celebrated throughout her body. Seconds later she fell upon him and he just held her into him. At that moment nothing else mattered in the world to the two lovers. Within himself he was replete.

It was not for several more minutes before the lovers broke their embrace and spoke for the first time. With a gleam in his eye he smiled, "I am pleased to meet you Wendy."

Her face beamed, "Likewise John, I am pleased to finally meet you."

John and Wendy meet in the internet. She had posted a message which led to chatting and emailing for weeks. As his wife had become increasingly distant he had come to feel alone. Within his heart he loved his wife, yet there was a growing barrier between them. There was a growing cold barrier between them. John and his wife agreed on many things. Yet there were areas in their lives from which she had become withdrawn.

Via emails and chats they became friends. From her John gained insight into his wife and he was more patient. In the process they connected. Increasingly he looked forward to Wendy's emails and their chats.

Even before the question about meeting was asked, they dreamt of meeting. Sharing their inmost thoughts and desires flamed their desires and imaginations. The day they met was magical for him. From the moment he watched her drive off, he knew he would never forget what they shared. She burned herself upon his soul. Wendy dominated his thoughts as he drove home. From her first post meeting email, it appeared that he dominated her thoughts as well.

Meeting often was difficult because of the physical distance between them. Though they could not meet frequently, they anticipated and cherished the few moments they had together. She even joined him for a week long business trip that John still remembered with fondness.

Even before they returned from the trip John knew they had a problem. John was in love with two women. Wendy accepted that John loved his wife and would never leave her. Though they were lovers, Wendy encouraged him to not leave his wife. Though Wendy did not love her husband, John knew she too felt a loyalty of sorts to her husband and she would remain with him during his illness.

When they were with one another, the universe worries and their lives vanished from their lives. In the back of their minds they both wished that they had met when they were younger and unattached. Yet they accepted their current lives. They lived with the haunting tension, sometimes voiced, sometimes not, but always in the background, that they would be discovered.

John's greatest fear, that he would hurt Wendy one day, suddenly arrived when his wife learned of Wendy. The heat he took from Kim grieved and cut him. Yet it did not cut him as much as knowing the pain he now inflicted upon Wendy by no longer seeing her and diminishing his correspondence with her.

For months John and Kim's marriage was as cold as the northern tundra in winter. The long winter yielded to the thaw of Spring. Just as his relationship with Kim commenced to warm, their marriage was again shaken. Kim had cancer. He felt guilty for not considering that Kim's complaint that sex to be less enjoyable and becoming a little painful could be linked to a cancer growing within her womanhood's inner walls. When the initial prognosis did not look good guilt pushed him to drink. More and more nights were spent wallowing in self-pity in a half-intoxicated state as he imagined the wife of his youth would die cursing him.

Just before last Thanksgiving Kim said it appeared the surgery and treatments did not work was the worst period. His unchecked imagination feared he would be alone the next holiday season. He only imagined the worse.

Yet with Kim's fortitude, new treatments and the wonders of the human body, the prognosis became much more positive in mid February. With renewed hope John recalled their joyous times. Kim and John spent hours looking at their old pictures and laughing about the good times. In a strange manner her illness drew them closer together. Her cancer had become the vehicle for healing their relationship.

Just when they seemed to be making progress, to John's alarm Kim confessed that she had over stated her condition to magnify his guilt feelings. John felt anger rise within. She had misled him and played upon his guilt. She had not been honest with him. Holding his tongue he walked away silently. During the long walk he reminded himself that he too did not have clean hands when it came to playing games and honesty. She was reacting to what he did. Returning from the walk, he held his wife. With a saddened heart he sought his wife's forgiveness for playing games with her. Kim was surprised that John took responsibility for her actions against him.

Just over two weeks later, again John felt as if he was kicked to the ground. On that particular evening Kim had been drinking after a long tough day at the work. In her somewhat intoxicated state John's wife confessed to having an affair, not just once, but twice. He learned the prior year that she had been with another man at a conference. He had not known of the second, the relationship that went on for nearly three years and ended only when they moved across country.

He held her that night. He cried with her. She cried with him. As they opened to each other John realized that her guilt had been gnawing away at their relationship for years. Feeling overwhelmed with guilt Kim withdrew from him. Intimacy reminded her of what she had done. What she did not realize was that the more she withdrew the more she was pushing him into the arms of another woman. His frustration increased as their intimacy became mechanical and infrequent. He learned later that the physical pain she felt was not that strong until two months before cancer was discovered. Ironically she had claimed a pain she had not felt only to find an actual pain slowly taking hold.

With mutual confession and assurance their intimacy warmed. They were able to find some passionate moments, but it was well short of where it had been before it all started. Though it had been a half year since his wife's confession, their wounds remained tender. Kim admitted weeks before that her revulsion for what she did was a barrier she could not get around. John wept in his heart for what they lost as a couple. He wounded Kim's heart, and she his. With cause he now feared their love and intimacy would never be the same. Their ghosts would be in their bed for the rest of their days

Watching the sun descend below the hills, John took a deep breath and sighed. Kim had granted him permission to be with other women with conditions. Unspoken was that she had the same freedom. He was to be discrete and it was not be regular. Kim did not want to know about it or ever knowing meet the others. She said plainly to him, "I can become very jealous. But I cannot be jealous of who and what I do not know." Though he had the freedom, John could not bring himself to move in that direction.

John was oblivious to the television that played in the background. He smiled remembering the afternoon that firmly held a special place in his heart. Her face and his memories of her would warm his heart until his dying breath. She would be upon his mind as much as his Kim would be upon his as the coldness of death overshadows him. Yet with that memory confronted him with the cold reality that he was a fool.

He sighed, "The saddest words are what might have been." If only he had known before guilt took a death grip upon Kim's soul they could have learned to help each other explore their sexuality more broadly. Alas, it was not so and Kim had no interest in doing so. Alas, their own sexual desires drew them apart because they exercised them independently.

Now sitting in darkness looking out the window tears of sorrow flowed down his cheek. If only Kim had granted her permission earlier. If she had, maybe, just maybe, Wendy would be with him now bringing him elation and comfort to his sterile hotel room. Maybe she would still be his healing angel.

But alas for her healing balm he returned bitterness. It is the thought of the latter that drew forth his tears. He was no longer interested in exploring his sexuality on his own. He learned the lesson the hard way. And it cost him dearly. He lost each woman's heart and their tender intimacy because of the other.

Once again he breathed deeply with sadness. As he stood from the chair and turned on a solitary light he groaned, "What might have been if... What might have been?"