Welcome Back
It's sad to say, but a person can get to a point after so many accusations, blame and negativity that they just don't care anymore. They may love the person they are with, but that person dwells on negativity, will never see them for who they are, and blames them for things they have not done, would not do and then withholds themselves from intimacy.
For quite some time now, I have been battling this negativity. The negativity that comes from the perfect storm of baggage, hurt and lifelong damage. Lisa has all of this and takes it all out on the one that is closest and cares about her the most. Me.
A bit of background. Lisa had a marriage that was cancerous. She was young and naive, and he was about 15 years her senior. He was a sex addict and would fuck anything and everything. Men, women, couples, young boys and whatever he could score. He gave Lisa an STD that almost killed her and in fact shut down her kidneys causing long term damage. This damage was nothing compared to her mental state, which she claimed she had handled through counseling.
Through the years, I've found pictures on cameras, videos, CD's labeled as 'personal' and of course my own imagination would run wild.
One such day, I was cleaning the house. I went into the downstairs closet and was gathering old jackets, hoodies and such to take to the local Good Will, when I noticed a camera bag on the shelf. It was a big bag, one that had space for multiple lenses and gear, as well as the camera. I opened the bag and found a memory stick, and two data CD's. Of course, I'm going to check them out. I grabbed them all and headed upstairs to my computer. I have a home office, multiple monitors, speakers and all the equipment that a computer nerd would have. Or maybe I should just say a tech savvy person in their late 40's.
First, I popped in the memory stick and of course, there were photos on it. Photos of Lisa laying on a bed, spreading her pussy lips. Photos of Lisa sucking cock. Photos of him standing over her, cock in hand with cum on her tits and belly. Of course, photos of his cock in her mouth, his cock in her pussy. Nice close-up shots. Then, I popped in the CD. It was a data CD and had multiple video files on it.
Lisa was lying on the bed, and he was talking to her filming. She had a towel wrapped around her body and was answering questions. "Do you love me?" "How are you going to show me?" "Take the towel off." "Rub you pussy." "Spread your pussy lips." "Suck my cock."
Lisa answered every question and did everything he said. Before I knew it, I was watching Lisa suck his cock, hard. Not deep, but hard. The kind of suck like she was trying to suck his soul out of the dick. Sucking his cock, stroking him and rubbing his balls. The only consolation I had was that he had a pretty small cock, compared to mine.
The next thing I knew, he told her to turn around and bend over. Which, of course, she immediately did. With her head on the bed, ass high in the air and on her knees, he commanded her to look back at him and rub and spread her pussy lips. She did and was moaning slightly as she did it. Then he set the camera down on the bedside table and mounted her.
He started fucking her from behind, relentlessly. Pounding the pussy hard and using her hips and hair as handles and leverage. When I say he was pounding it, I was even shocked. I've pounded some pussy before, but I always fucked the women I was with, hard, but with regard for how THEY felt too. He did not, he just fucked her so hard that It looked like it hurt. I will say, however, that she seemed to enjoy it as she was moaning and saying "Ohhh, Fuck yess...fuck me." Interestingly enough. The exact same thing she's said to me many times. Literally word for word.
Then he flipped her over, pinned her knees up by her ears, holding them with his hands and started pounding her pussy like I've never seen before. The slapping noises from the video were so loud I had to turn down my volume. He was fucking. Fucking hard and fast. There was no love or caring in what he was doing, just straight out hammering his cocking into her hole. As he came, he immediately reached over for the camera and focused it on Lisa's face. "You like that, baby?"
"Oh yeah....I did." Lisa replied. Then the video ended.
The next video clicked on, and Lisa was on top of him. It's crazy to see the one you love looking at someone else as they are having or about to have sex. It's kind of disturbing but also helps you to understand or get insight into how they think. Lisa was looking into the camera with love in her eyes. A love that I've not seen for several years at this point.
As she looked at the camera she said, "I love you." And the camera panned down to her inserting his small cock into her pussy. The only thing I could think as I watched the video was......'Jesus, shave that thing...' Lisa has never been big on a shaving her pussy. She only trims and I wish she would shave around the lips, even if she wanted some up above. For me, she's a little too hairy. Not by a lot but clean it up. Anyway, I digress.
She guided his cock into her pussy and began to ride him one leg back, one leg in a squat position as he fucked her from below. She was riding up and down moderately hard and he was trying to fuck upwards, but frankly his cock was a little to small to get good hard thrusts. Lisa started to cum, and shivers and jerking motions came over her as she came and froze. "Are you ok?" He laughed and asked her.
"Yes, I just came." She said out of breath.
"So did I." He said.
A couple of things to note. One: She was clearly in love. I could see it in her eyes and in her actions, doing anything that he asked her to do. Two: He was just using that pussy as a hole. He didn't care about her like she did him. Three: She has a routine. The same routine in how she fucks as she has done with me, which kind of sucks as there was once or twice that she accused me of 'fucking her like I did everyone else.' Whatever that meant. It was clear that she was likely reflecting on me what she was thinking of herself. And four: She did not squirt. She almost always squirts with me, but she didn't with him. Other things I noted was that she sucked his dick hard, she never sucks mine. There were no other videos, but I had enough.
I've kept those videos and pictures on my computer for years now. Every now and then, watching them and thinking to myself all the things I would like to do with, to and for Lisa and wondering what the hell happened.
Lisa clearly was in love with him and when he fucked around so much, almost killed her and played his games with her, it really fucked her up. It took a couple attempts and 10 years for her to get a divorce from him and when she did, I also think he had partially trained her.
What I mean by that is that from what I gathered over the years, he would fuck Lisa three times a day, EVERY DAY. In their office, at home, in the car, wherever they were and whenever he wanted. I think this trained Lisa and got her in a pattern. What I gathered from emails and texts I saw from her phone with other men after her divorce was that she loved having a fuck buddy. Someone that she could just show up to and fuck them to get her rocks off, often. It even affected her next real relationship.
In reading texts between that guy and her, I gathered that she loved 69, loved to squirt on his face. She would ride him like I saw on the video, but would constantly squirt. She ended up swallowing his cum a couple times and despite saying she never liked to do that, she told him it was, "Yummy." But what I gathered from the texts was the same pattern of how she fucked and what she would say. But I also gathered that she would do anything he wanted. Videos, letting him finger her in the theater, get together just to fuck multiple times a day. In the end, the texts painted a picture of someone that would then disappear or come up with harsh accusatory comments. Things like why are you talking to your ex (When he and his ex had children together) or who are you sending emails to. Things that were clearly her being suspicious and were from damage from her past.
The texts were very back and forth. One day accusing, the next talking about how great of a fuck it was. He would try to be funny or slip in innuendo and she would not acknowledge it and then ghost him. A week later, it was, "Sorry, I've been busy with work, lets get together this weekend." Then more texts about how great the sex was over the weekend, about squirting and cumming. Then accusations, then ghosting, and so it went.
I met Lisa about a year after that and now after finding the texts, the videos, the photos, I am shocked at the pattern. Clearly, she has been damaged. Clearly, she has desires. But clearly, she also has issues.
The perfect storm comes when you insert my past and my baggage. I was married and it ended because I thought I was in love with someone other than my wife. Looking back on it all these years later, I had a really good thing, and it will haunt me and be the biggest regret of my life. I cheated. The neighbor across the street was fucking hot. She was about 5'10', athletic, blonde with small tits and an amazing body. She had a wonderful smile, loved the same things that I did and was always flirting with me. Did I mention that she was also 15 years younger than me? Yeah, a recipe for disaster, and I fell for it.
It wasn't my first time cheating as I had been a professional drummer for several years and been on tour and of course was less of a man than I should have been. So yes, I fucked a lot of other women then, too. This one was different, and I fell deeply in love with her, or so I thought, and in the end, I told my then wife and our marriage ended. The messed-up thing is that I'm not a cheater. It's not who I am or what I want. I want someone to spend my life with to hold at night, to do things with, or even do nothing with. To fuck, make love, experiment, and get crazy with. But only that one person. So, when my marriage ended and so did the fling, I knew what I really wanted and that is when I met Lisa.
At the time, I thought I was being honest with her. She was clear that she couldn't and didn't want someone that would cheat, eyeball other women, flirt and things like that. Not knowing that old habits die hard, I told her I was none of that. I did tell her why my marriage ended but not about the cheating when I was a professional musician. Frankly, I didn't want to run her off. I didn't want to scare her. I know who I am, what I want, and I really liked her. So, while I didn't lie to her, I also didn't divulge 100% of the truth and that has come back to haunt me.
Lisa would ride me, squirt all over me, ask me to fuck her in the ass, experiment with me and we were in a great place. But she would always comment or flash in some mean comment about my past or be suspicious of things I would do. I didn't realize, in many cases that I would flirt or rubberneck, looking at other women. Mind you, with no intention, but apparently, I just did these things out of habit. I will also admit that some of my flirting I knew I was doing, but again it was with no ill intention. Maybe I just needed to feel wanted or desired and was insecure. I'm not sure, completely, but I got a counselor and began working on it and continue to this day. To better myself, to ensure my focus is on point and to give our relationship the best chance I can.
The mean comments would explode into full on fights when my fuse would get short. I'm an extremely patient man, loving and will let most things roll off, but over time things build and when you mix in booze, specifically whiskey it makes for a bad combination. There were blow up fights and when I would boil over, I would have an extremely sharp tongue. Lisa would do the same, but it seems that she doesn't let things roll off, but rather holds on to them and continues to bring them up, years later.
Combine all of that with her trauma and my background and it can get bad. Then, there is also me wondering if she is bi-polar and or has multiple personalities. Follow me on this one.
Several years ago, I would notice that as Lisa walked around the house, she would be mumbling to herself, talking to herself. She would frequently have drastic mood changes. From flying high and happy, wanting to fuck my brains out to being in the middle of the act, and like a switch make a shitty comment and stop all together.
