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I need to write this down so that I don't get lucky enough to not remember some day. I am not sure if this is a punishment or not. I am not sure how it began really but it starts one night when my heart hurt and I was lonely. All these nights were like that, I was lonely afraid, angry, they were all the same. I am out to get something would never get from the way that I sought it out.

Why my ex didn't want me back, I didn't know then. I still thought that we would always be together. I left work dressed and wearing makeup. It was Saturday, my college Homecoming game was being played at the nearby field. I could hear the roar of the crowd as I got into my car. My heart aches, I wonder why I am not there, sitting on a blanket with Ex, cheering with them. I drive to my best girl friends house. I listen to happy love songs in the car on the way. Girl is there with her friend, a guy who was in the army. We decided to go out. I begin drinking, fast and hard. It seems the more I drink the less I hurt, the less I feel anything. I drink out of a cup in the car, on the way to the bar and to the party we eventually end up at. I keep drinking feeling the cool liquid sooth my aching heart. All of a sudden I feel alive, a feeling which I haven't felt since then. But that night, the first night, I hadn't felt alive in a while either. I felt beautiful which I know now was an illusion. But at that time, at that moment, I was who I want to be beautiful, exotic, sexy. I wasn't a fat funny looking drunk girl.

The booze that I poured into my body made me forget for a few hours how much I hated myself. I spoke words and felt my fingers do things to Army that I didn't think I would or could ever do.

I recall it in blurs. I hear myself saying I wanted him. I really didn't, I wanted Ex, my love. The only man, who had ever touched me, felt my heart my beat.

He was the only one who knew that I was beautiful at one time.

At that moment though it was just Army and I kissing.

His lips were thin and his tongue uncoordinated with mine. When I realize he's kissing me back, I feel relived. I feel my body loosing balance. Am I falling? All I know is that I got his pants off, I begin to suck his cock which was very long, but thinner than Ex's. It tasted the same. Army was thinner, taller, his hands didn't reach for me, but his sounds were louder clearer. I recall him lying down with me. Its cold and wet the moon was out but it was cloudy. Were we under a tree? Hidden? I asked him what he wanted, he said he wanted to fuck me, I was surprised. I arbitrarily asked about a condom but I really didn't care if we used one or not. He said he would pull out. Fine by me. I somehow kick off my pants. I think to my self, the second I stumble on to him the moment before he enters me that there is no going back. Ex will never want me now, and although I know that he didn't want me before this, the fact that I was sealing it, with my actions, brought me a sense of control. Army is in me, I can't feel much I'm too drunk, I move on him.

Another guy from the party, who I kissed by the bon fire earlier that night, asked if he could join in, I say no. I'm afraid suddenly. I fear Army isn't there with me at the moment, that he's thinking of someone else I tell him to say my name, he does. I still feel like he is far away. The only thing that I recall him saying is "after this the neighbors are going to need a cigarette." I fall off him giving up on making him cum that way, I expect him to get on top of me, like Ex would. Look at me while we fuck. He but we were in the dirt. It's a fucking party, at a stranger's house. I'm cold wet and dirty now. He stands up, I suck his cock a little but my mouth is so dry that I cant. He helps me find my panties. He walks back in front of me I stumble after him. I'm numb, I feel nothing no guilt no pain no pleasure. I feel nothing but the cottonmouth.

I told myself I would never have sex with anyone unless I was in love after Army. I really meant it. A few days later I make this resolution I find myself being fucked by a little man half my size. The lights were on my shame unhidden in front of him. I lay there faking sounds as he rams his cock in me. My soul floats away from my body for a moment and from their look down at myself. I can't believe that it's me down there. I want to stay separated from my body, I feel free away from it. I think of how once I looked so beautiful naked, how I wasn't ashamed. I am back in my body. I stare up at the ceiling tears in my eyes, which I could attribute to my drunkenness. I think to myself. How the fuck did I get here? Who is this? I am not even attracted to him, why am I here? I had let him touch my thigh, thought nothing of it. Three of us were in bed. Cousin the girl he really wanted to fuck is next to me. He is on my other side. Cousin, beautiful, pure, thin, and angelic falls gently to sleep.

Little's hand quickly moves up my thigh. He beings to finger me harder than I am used to. I am shocked and flattered. I can't believe someone else actually is drunk enough to fuck me. I begin to stroke his cock, it's hard and in my memories seems beautiful. We sneak out of the room away from Cousin, saying were going to smoke. We go the empty damp basement. We kiss he is a great kisser and I wonder how people are taught that.

I wonder if I'm a good kisser? He says he doesn't have any protection, neither do I but were fucking already. He never cums, neither do I. Were too drunk. He fist fucks me. It hurts so badly but I am not saying anything, just faking pleasure like I do confidence. I think of Ex and I hate him. I try not to think of how he and I made love in the little bed diagonal to the one that Little is fucking me on now. Ex made love to me slowly kissing me touching me, whispering his love for me in my ears as he came. I remember the sounds of redwings loosing to the avalanche upstairs as we made love. I remember his climax, his pulling out of me, the gray daylight seemed to illuminate his body. I felt like a woman complete and beautiful, giving him satisfaction seemed my greatest gift. Not now though, I was on the dirty basement carpet fat and ugly.

Little fucking me with his diamond hard cock. I'm still starring at the ceiling. Who am I? Why am I doing this? Aren't I smarter? No, I'm not, cause I let him fuck me again in the morning.

Three weeks later, I drink too much again, but what else is new. I drink cause I'm nervous, I drink cause I'm scared. I drink because I don't know what else to do. I hate being around new people. I hate them looking at me knowing I'm fat. I hate knowing that I'm fat. I hate knowing my chin sticks out, and I'm single and have failed out of college. I know that when I'm not drinking I can feel new people looking at me, and I'm sure they know I'm a total failure. Drinking doesn't help me from not knowing now, but it does usually dull the knowledge a little. The uppers and this 12 pack will make me act like I am fearless. But tonight, it wasn't enough. No matter how much cold alcohol I push past my lips and moves down my throat travels swiftly down esophagus, into my stomach, diffuses through that organs semi-permeable membranes into my blood stream, it will never be enough for me to forget.

Tonight I'm still me, tonight my reality won't go away. I'm disoriented, but also jealous and nervous. I know that both of these guys, guys I would have never in a million years let touch me weeks ago, are eyeing Girl. I know that one is sad because he is stuck with me. I decide to let Girl have some alone time with her guy friend. It's just an excuse for me to feel some sort of affection. I drag the annoying little troll into the darkness of a bedroom. He kisses me, which I like but am not turned on by really. His skin is cold in some places hot in others. I find him repulsive. But I'm wet. We were watching porn earlier. I'm always wet. My body was trained by Ex to prepare itself whenever he was around. Now without Ex my body goes on auto mode whenever any man is around.

My body doesn't know I think that this guy is an annoying troll. Fuck it, I think, I'm not doing anything else, might as well get off with someone else's around. I pull of his pants and his cock is so small I'm horrified. I suck it, he's rough with me and I like it. I say he can't fuck me, half heartily. He tells me how bad he wants my pussy. I like how he says pussy. . Suddenly he's in me and I let him, it doesn't feel good, but not bad. I make him wear a condom but it falls off his little shriveled cock. I let him fuck me with out it. I like how he talks dirty to me. Ex would have never done that, never been rough with me. I let Troll fuck my ass first. Sort of my own compromise to him not wearing a condom. Yea fuck my ass not my pussy it seemed to sound more reasonable that way. He eventually fucks them both. He cums several times pulling, clawing at me smacking my ass. I pretend I'm someone else. I pretend he's someone else. Troll moves over me, to small, to weak, to cold. I pretend he is someone else, I wont admit it is Ex, but its someone who's hands are warm on me. Kissing me slowly, filling me deeply. I feel myself turning and turning in ecstasy spinning out of control in my drunken illusion. Reality hits hard, after I'm done. Little Troll is still there, fucking me. Reality bites into me tearing my flesh. My shame and my fears are pulling at my eyelids. I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to beat this little Troll bastard up for thinking he could fuck me. But I don't, I fuck him more.

I let in cum in my mouth. His semen tastes cold and weak, it's like water. I swallow it. Ex's was thick hot heavy and the taste was so over powering. He falls asleep next to me. He falls asleep playing with my nipples sleeping naked. I want to take the lamp of the dresser and break it over his head, but I don't. I feel like getting sick and I know it's not from the drinking. I get up and take a shower, I scrub him off of me. I hate his smell, it's not bad but I still hate it. I notice the bruises all over my breasts and hips. I put layers of clothing on. I contemplate sleeping on the couch. He snores. I want to kill him, but who cares its just sex. Fuck him.

I'm at the bar. Earlier two paths were placed in front of me. One was safe, and comforting. It was more of a road than a path. A perfect paved road well lit that let back to Girls house. There I would have slept restlessly, but woken up in my familiar guest bed. The other, path, the one I chose, was dark. Unpaved, dusty, mysterious and scary. A two-track path in the middle of a foreboding forest with trees that grew twisted and angry. I had been down that path a lot lately. To its frightening appeal I couldn't resist, this time was no exception either. I drank to much as usual scamming with Girl. I should have my fat ass in bed. I'm trying to fit in. I would never be caught in this place in a million years. But I'm drunk, I smile make random eye contact. Pretend I'm not fat and freakish and sitting alone at a table for five. I drink more but I still know they know I'm fat.

The smile is plastered on my face. Look available I think finishing my drink starting another. How many have I had? I'm not sure, I better drink some more. I'm wearing sneakers, and it freaks me out. I look for someone anyone. Who wants to fuck? I wanna fuck! Can they tell I've lost my soul? Do I look like I have no soul? Do they know? I eye a guy, when looking at him I think of John Deer tractor commercials, which I'm not sure exist or if I've ever seen one. Girl is out in the parking lot dry humping John Deer's pal a guy with a truck. I devise a drunken plot. I know Girl is fine, but I stumble over to where John Deer is standing and ask if my girl safe with Truck.

As I slur this another friend of his takes a cheep feel at my breast. The friends touch echo's through my body, I'd fuck him too. John Deer whispers in my ear that Truck a nice guy not to worry. I wasn't in the first place. In fact John Deer should worry about Girl doing something to Truck. Contact was made, I return t o the table. I'm alone with Truck in his truck. Girl fears I'll freak out and not follow her back to his house, so she has strategically placed me in a no escape location for transport. She shouldn't worry its not like we've never done this. She is my car with John Deer. Truck guy comments on my tits, I ignore him and complement his fine child safety seat in his back seat. Girl and I switch cars after two stops, apparently she senses I'm about to be molested. To drunk to drive I get in the car with John deer. I change CDs ten times as I nervously ramble on about sexual things. I tell him I don't like country music, you can't fuck to it. John Deer says he'll show me that you can. I know there won't be music but I do know he'll show me.

We get out at Trucks house. Its icy cold outside, I feel the bite of it on my skin, but I don't really feel the cold. Girl and Truck disappear into a bedroom that has a water bed and deer antlers on the wall. I am left alone. John Deer and I sit on a love seat we make arbitrary conversations for two seconds, I wonder why he thinks he needs to talk. He begins to kiss me, it was mutual, I knew I was there to fuck he was to. He tastes like the bar, but I get used to it. He leans in, his body weight is on me. I like it, he's gentle. Once again my switch is turned my body goes on auto mode and my legs wrap around him. He kisses my neck I feel like I'm on fire. Truck interrupts, standing naked in the living room, stroking himself. He's looking for a condom, there in my car. Truck leaves.

I don't recall how it happened but John Deer undresses. I take off his pants, I actually asked if it was okay, of course it was. He pulls his shirt off, I like the way he did it, and he looked so happy and excited. He asks why girl and I don't worry about catching something. I hear my self-saying that its not that were not worried, it's just that were not afraid. I wonder to my self at that moment if I actually believe it. I begin to suck his cock. He pulls my sweater undershirt and bra over my head in one graceful motion. I'm impressed. His hands feel so amazing on my skin. I suck his cock he moans softly, touching my back. I like his cock, its nicer than Trolls, it seems to comfort me. John Deer's hands rub my neck, it feels so good, and my skin seems to be climaxing with out me. Somehow now I'm on the floor, telling him not to undo my pants. He licks my nipples. I watch him his tongue is beautiful. I tell him I cant have sex with him, I gave it up for the new year. He says okay. I let him undo my pants but I continue to protest, but I let him take them off. I try to fight it but he begins to lick me.

Ex went down on me all the time, making me cum hard, smiling lovingly touching me comforting me. I recall rubbing his big strong back when he came in me, my head resting in-between his neck and beautiful shoulders. The comfort of his smell, his touch.

John Deer expertly fingers me while he uses his tongue. He feels so good, but I'm afraid. I'm way too vulnerable like this. This was the last thing Ex and I had that was all ours, his mouth on me, and now like the years I wasted with ex, it was gone to. Again with no protection I have sex. John Deer fucks me, it feels so good. He makes me go slow and he's so gentle. When I let him in me the first time I slide down onto him, his strong hands pushed me down on to him. He feels so good I think I might die, suddenly I feel my self explode, we both cry out softly. It feels to good, intoxicatingly good, I'm shaking. He's afraid he cant hold back pull outs. His skin was so soft, his body hard and strong like his hands. I'm not sure where they were all the time, but they felt good.

He keeps making me go slow down, I'm confused. He fucks me in odd positions and kisses my hands and face as he moves in me. I feel my insides turning again and again, he feels good he's so gentle. He holds me tight kisses me softly when were through, pulling me close when I try to get away. I feel like letting go but I wont. I fuck him again and then again. As I sober up, I begin to realize the reality off the situation. Were in the living room of someone's mom's house. The carpet is shag and itchy. I get dressed, I wake Girl up. Truck snores loud. We leave quickly John Deer says nothing to me. We don't even say good bye. I know it meant nothing. It was nothing. I know that the dead have no feelings.

Girl and I are on the prowl again. When were `scamming' were using fake names now. Tensions are rising its 1 am and we are having very little luck. Across from us are two men. One Mexican the other a country hick, a wannabe bad ass. Girl looks at me, I know what she's thinking. Yea whatever I think, they'll do. We start to work. We smile, and play the game like the professionals that we are. Oh how cool we seem as they try to hide there sexual intentions during normal introductions. They both want to fuck Girl, she's normal sized and beautiful. As the moments pass and Mexican and Wannabe continue to talk, I realize that I'd rather fuck the wall than either of these two morons. Girl is into Mexican, of course, because he's much better looking than Wannabe. Wannabe tries to win girl by showering her with compliments, I laugh because I know all Girl wants is Mexicans cock.

I sit in the corner drinking harder hoping that I'll get drunk enough to start thinking that these guys were somewhat cool. What am I doing here? What if my dad walks in? What is Ex doing? Why isn't the booze kicking in? We go to their house. I am not drunk enough. Wannabe's inability to realize that Girl is going to fuck Mexican annoys me. By now he should realize he is stuck with me. I begin to get bored and bitchy. I take some more uppers and feel more like fucking. The four of us watch porn. I sit far away from Wannabe because every time he speaks I want to punch him in his head. Mexican hassles me about not paying attention to his boy. I tell him not to worry about it. Girl explains to Wannabe that since he's been all up on her shit all night her sister (me) doesn't want to be second pick. Its true but I'm used to being second pick to Girl now.

A long time ago, I was first choice but that's over now. Mexican and Wannabe try to make excuses sayings were crazy. I wonder if they actually think I give a fuck what they think about me. Mexican and Girl go. Wannabe comes and sits with me. He's already on my nerves. My jean-clad leg is on his lap, he put it there. He's touching me. I let him. Although I hate him and find him repulsive, his touch sets me o n fire. I damn my body, why won't it knock this off? He kisses me, as if proving something by it. He stops and looks at me says something. Does he want me to fucking applaud him? I suck his cock, it's tiny like the Trolls. Trolls wasn't even this bad, in fact I'd have been happy to see Troll instead of this freak. He gives good head, but I don't want to let him make me cum. I let him try to fuck me, it's less personal. It's awful. I want to push him off me, and stab him over and over with the knife I saw in the kitchen when I went to take more uppers. I let him try and fuck me up the ass, he's to small there no point. I'm still to sober to do this, I think. I drink more, take more uppers. Nothing, Wannabe is still a freak. I'm still a freak. He tries to tell me he's a Hells Angle, right and I'm Kermit the frog.

Great I think, not only is he a wannabe bad ass, but also wannabe old nasty broken down biker guy. I want to run away, but I don't. I wonder again how I came to this. I take more uppers and four or five of some type of prescription drug, it could be muscle relaxers or painkillers, I know its in the Valium/Xanax family from my days as a good student. What ever they are it doesn't really matter does it? I let him try to fuck me again. I ride him and while he sits there thinking he's actually giving me pleasure I think about John Deer. His gentle hands, the way he kissed my face my hands. His strong body pulling me closer to him as he moved him me. I open my eyes its still Wannabe. He cums. I get up, fuck this. I get Girl out of bed with Mexican. We stumble out the door. Despite my best efforts I'm still stone sober. The sun is coming up, Girl and I get drive through breakfast. There she discovers she accidentally took money from Mexican. A lot of money. It was an honest mistake, but fuck it we think, let's keep for tonight. We get home I lay in girls guest bed. I'm done with this I think I myself, that was it. That was the bottom. I'm done.