Wanting and Needing

Wanting and needing.

Two very different words, two very different meanings. All we need in this life is food and water and shelter.

What we would like probably includes money and love and happiness and a huge flat screen television.

I lived without the flat screen television and the happiness and the love.

Then you came into my life.

And who needs a flat screen television?

I remember shopping with you, and we walked out of the shop into the baking heat of a summer day in Los Angeles. We sat down on a hard wooden bench to eat a cheap ice cream. We were by a huge parking lot, cars were rumbling past us, belching out fumes, the sun was beating down and all I was aware of was you, stroking the back of my head.

I could have sat in that parking lot for the rest of my life.

People walked past us and smiled, smiled at two mature people just sitting in the sun and being totally unaware of anything but themselves. I spent a lifetime being a soldier, being aware of everything around me, and even worse, I spent a lifetime not trusting the world or anyone in it, and then you came along. You showed me the good side of life, you showed me its alright to love and to be loved, and now my whole world has colour and laughter and rainbows.

People talk about love at first sight, I think it's not love, its recognition. You look into someone's eyes and you see a reflection, you see you own wants and needs and hopes and fears and you realise that person has the same ones. That person wants what you want, loves what you love, and needs what you need....and you become as one.

I look at you when you are asleep, when you come out of the shower, when you are done up like a fashion plate, when you are all hot and sweaty......and I see nothing but your beauty.

I look at you with the eyes of a lover, these eyes will never see you tired or worn out, they will simply see you, my woman, my lover, and my angel.

I will never tire of looking at you.

I will love you forever, I can't promise I will make you smile every day, I can't promise to give you platinum credit cards, what I can promise you is that you will be the most loved woman on the planet.

We both suffered in the past, but we have helped each other walk and talk and dream and hope and now,well now the future is almost close enough to touch, now all the good things are going to come to us, we are going to be a couple that people will talk about like Romeo and Juliet, Anthony and Cleopatra, but ours wont be a doomed love but a live and kicking love, full of passion and rawness and lust and laughter.

Our future starts right here and right now.

At least I thought it did.

How many ways can a man say I love you?

How many ways can a woman say I don't?

I love the way I live, full on, if you feel love you should show love, give love,feel love and feel the joy in it twenty four hours a day. You should wake up in love and fall asleep in love.

But it seems that's the wrong kind of love, you wanted a friendly love, a non committed love a love where you could run for the exit door. You said you were damaged, well you were damaged, I wont argue with that, but when you get damaged you then have the choice, get up and walk tall, or stay on the ground and let him beat you again. Only this time he isn't beating just you, he is beating me and he is beating us. He is beating you and stopping you from loving and laughing living and he doesn't even know it.

I cried and I wept and I begged you to trust in me, to trust in yourself, to give it a shot,to be who I know we could be but you wouldn't.

I wrote the story of the castle and the bird and you said that you were the bird and I was the castle, tied to the ground, scared of life, frightened to love, well know we have moved around, I am here, wanting to love, able to love, willing to love, but you are behind bars, the door is locked between us, and the saddest thing is, you have the key. You have locked me out and you have locked yourself in, you have swapped a shelter for a prison cell.

Hour after hour I spoke and pleaded and wept, but you just ducked and dived and just kept saying no.

Well, I can only beg for so long, I can only plead to someone who is willing to listen to my pleas, you chose to end us, to call it a day and I am so so sad.

Sad for me, I thought I knew you, I thought you would be my light in this world, my guide and my soul partner.

Sad for us, hell we could have shook this old world, we could have spent an eternity being in love.

Sad for you, you are going to close out the world and be alone forever and yet pretend you are this wonderful free spirit.

What free spirit cant love?