"Typical," Ed moaned, pulling up his trousers and staggering to the ringing phone. On the TV, an extended tongue was paused on its way to a shaved pussy.
He picked up the phone and managed a reasonably polite 'hello'.
"Hi, Ed?"
A woman's voice he couldn't place.
"Yes?"
"Hi, it's Dawn."
Dawn from work?
She had never phoned his house before.
"Hi, how you doing?" he said.
"Yeah, I'm good. How are you?"
"Well, you've interrupted me, actually β I was just about to have a wank."
She burst out laughing and Ed smiled, picturing her. Dawn was blonde, gorgeous and, of course, unavailable β just like his other attractive female friends. Not that he had a hope in Hell, anyway β he was always The Funny Friend. He had forgotten how to be anything else.
"No, I'm all right," he said. "Day off, so...just chilling out and stuff."
"You weren't really..."
"No!" he laughed, "I was actually making a cup of tea. So, is everything all right?"
"I'm locked out of the house."
Ed snorted.
"It's not funny!" Dawn said, but she was laughing. "I told John not to take the keys this morning, but he did, the idiot."
The boyfriend. Ed had seen him in photographs; he was a good-looking bastard.
"What about your neighbours?" he said.
"Nobody's in. Well, I think the Camerons are in, but no way am I sitting with
them
for four hours."
"So..."
"I was wondering..."
"You want to come over here and wait?"
"Oh, can I? Ed, that would be so great! You don't have company?"
"No, come right over."
"Oh, you're a star!"
Ed blushed, as he always did with compliments.
"Number 58," he said.
"58, sure."
"How long will you be?"
"About five or ten minutes, I think; I'm in the car. Is that all right?"
Five or ten minutes!
His place was nowhere near chick-ready.
"Yeah, great. See you in a bit," he said.
"Bye-ee!"
Ed put down the phone and glanced at his masturbation set-up in the living room. Driven by panic, he got to work.
*
While Ed was in the bathroom refreshing his armpits with deodorant, the doorbell rang. It had been over ten minutes since the phone call had ended and he had managed to make the living room somewhat presentable β i.e., porn-free. He hoped.
He opened the front door. "Hey!" he said.
"Hey!" Dawn replied.
God, she's a knockout
, he thought to himself. Dawn was one of those women who always got away with being overdressed. Today she was wearing a low-cut black top with short sleeves and tight black trousers. As Ed stepped aside to let her in, he checked just how tight they were. Very tight, he confirmed.
"I'm going to kill John when I see him!" she said.
Right away with the boyfriend.
In case I forget
, Ed thought.
He noticed that the pendant on her necklace was nestled in her cleavage β a cruel test for any man. He was doing well to avoid its lure, but as a consequence he was standing in front of her like a mute.
Say something!
"Cup of tea?" he asked.
Her smile melted his insides.
"I'd kill for one!"
"Follow me, madam," he said, and led her to the kitchen.
*
"Oh!" Dawn said, and swigged the last of her tea. "I need to check my e-mail. Can I do it here?"
Ed's stomach flipped. That would mean going to his bedroom, which he hadn't cleared for chick access. The bed wasn't made, yesterday's socks were probably still on the floor, maybe his underwear, too...what else? Porn? No, most of that was on the compβ
Shit!
Despite these thoughts, he heard himself say: "Sure, let's go."
Ed led the way up the stairs very slowly, as if he were being taken to a cell; he had just remembered that his desktop picture showed a nude, Nordic goddess displaying considerable imagination with a garden hose.
"Mind if I use your bathroom?"
Yes!
Ed screamed in his head.
Take a big, long dump, I beg you!
"Sure, here it is," he said, pointing to it.
He heard the door close. He bolted for the bedroom.
The computer booted up while he tidied the room. He felt like he had OCD, the number of times he was rearranging stuff. On top of the trashy horror novel he was currently reading he placed his unread copy of Kafka's
The Castle
, which had a cool, arty cover.
Yeah, Ed, cause we all know that chicks drop their pants for guys who read Kafka. Well-known fact. Kafka on your bookshelf? They'll blow you on the spot.
Ed knew he was being foolish. He also felt guilty because Dawn was his friend. He valued their friendship, but at the same time he wanted to ride her like a pony. Plus, she had a boyfriend. He would never do that to another guy. It was loathsome.
He heard the toilet flush. The Nordic stunner had been replaced by a picture of the Moon, but what about the porn files β would she see any of them? The bathroom door clicked open and he heard Dawn's skipping footsteps. Too late to do anything about it now.
"That is by far the cleanest bathroom in any guy's house, ever!" she said.
Ed smiled. It was true; he liked a spotless bathroom.
"Here, have a seat," he said, offering his chair to her.
"Haven't you got one for yourself?"
"You take this one, I'll get one from the other room."
"Thanks," she said, sitting down and sidling up to the monitor.
Ed returned with the chair and sat down a few feet away from Dawn, giving her space to read her e-mail.
"Cream Pie Addicts 2?" Dawn said.