PART ONE
It's only five days to the election and Tom Courtney wants us back on the streets for one more push. The televised debate last night was a tough one to call and the opinion polls this morning are a little too close for comfort. Two of the three morning papers call it a draw while the other gives it to Tom but only by a point.
I am assigned as part of the door-to-door canvass team and sent to a marginal precinct with Tom's pep talk ringing in my ears. Don't let any one get away with "Don't know"! Leave the doorstep with a firm commitment! Sell, sell, sell!
So there I am, going from door to door on a typical suburban street, appealing to the uncertain, the uninterested and, sometimes, the plain unfriendly to vote Tom on Election Day. "Vote Tom Courtney for better healthcare, better transport, better environment and better schools!" Why was I doing this? I was losing interest and might as well be selling life insurance to the dead.
After having doors slammed in my face, a shot gun pointed at my nose, and three people tell me they would vote for the devil first, I come to Number 356 with a certain weary expectation of more of the same. This time, I barely glimpse at the elector details on my clipboard. Name, age and sex of householder. Number of other people in household.
I push the door buzzer, wait, shuffle my feet, look up the sky, eye a jet plane with its long vapour trail and wish I was on it right now, flying to somewhere tropical. I look down at my shoes and curse myself for forgetting to polish them this morning. The toes are all scuffed. Maybe that's why I'm getting such a hard time? Listen to yourself, will you? Don't be daft!
"Yes?"
I look up to see the door half open and a young woman standing there in a short white bathrobe, her hair towelled and her feet bare. I disturbed her bath but she took the trouble to get out and answer. As Tom would say to us, always be positive, always assume the best.
"Hi there!" I open with the practiced sincerity of a salesman. "Do you intend to vote next Thursday?"
She eyes me up and down. Don't look at the shoes! Please don't look at the shoes!!
"I haven't decided yet," she says, peering at my shoes. "It's the same old, same old after all."
I notice her bathrobe open up a slight bit to reveal some cleavage and try my best to maintain eye contact. It isn't easy. She's very attractive and quite pleasant despite her apparent lack of interest in the election. Something to build on here, I think, remembering my training. Keep smiling. Keep positive. Close the deal.
"It's a common sentiment among voters but I want to set you a challenge, today, Miss!"
"Oh you do?" she says, arching a brow as she files her long, sharp fingernails, her curiosity perked now.
She opens the door wider and steps forward, her robe peeking open some more to give a flash of nipple before she unconsciously pulls it closed again. Was it the morning chill? Or did she realise I was looking? She folds her arms, waiting to hear my challenge. Yes, a protective reflex. She caught me peeping. I recover quickly enough to hide any embarrassment and press on.
"Yes. I challenge you to give Tom Courtney your vote next week and discover someone new, someone with new ideas and new commitment to the people."
She looks at me for a few seconds before her deadpan expression breaks into laughter. "You guys! If you could only hear yourselves! You might as well be selling washing powder for all I care. Like I said, it's the same old, same old."
Quick as a flash, and from where I don't know, I hit right back. "Yes but isn't that the whole problem right there?"
She's momentarily knocked back but then unfolds her arms to place her hands on her hips, adopting a more offensive posture. "Oh? And what would that be?"
Her robe pushes up and opens again, giving me another glimpse of her soft, alabaster breasts. This time, she makes no move to cover up. It's as if she's deploying them as weapons, targeting my male weakness. In fact, I'm sure she knows what I am thinking right now, that I know she knows and that my attempt to pretend otherwise will put me at further disadvantage. She is evidently confident that her sexuality has prevailed but I steady myself and look her directly in the eye.
"Well if the politics become cynical, then so do the voters and if the voters get cynical they don't believe a word they're told even if someone like Tom Courtney comes along with a promise to change things."
She smiles at me and shakes her head.
"I'm not cynical. Pragmatic, sure, but cynical? No. And I'm not definitely not stupid!"
I try to interject but she raises her voice over mine and turns my challenge right back at me. "So who is this Courtney guy? What are his values?"
"Well he's for better healthcare, better schooling..."
"No!" she cuts in sharply. "His values, not his policies! What does he believe in? What does he stand for?"
I'm floundering now. I could just about take the rudeness, the indifference and the ignorance of previous householders but somehow my training deserts me in the face of this direct challenge to my credibility. I mumble and stutter some sort of tortured response but I know I've lost it and, like a defeated general handing over his surrender, I offer her a leaflet.
"Will you at least consider it?"
Beaming triumphantly, she takes it from me and scans it back and front.
"I'll do you one better," she says. "Come in and fuck me and I'll vote for your man."
PART TWO