Chris Subritzky arrived at his Aunt Edna's home for two weeks' vacation expecting a loving but less than exhilarating time. Edna was his mom's older sister, exactly twice his age at sixty-four and husband Hugo was even older, deaf and paralyzed down one leg and farted with the enthusiasm of a jazz band.
Their house was small, about the size of Chris's garage.
Get it? Chris was expecting two wasted weeks of his life, though knowing his mom would appreciate his dedication to family duty.
Edna (he called her that because she didn't object to the dropping of 'Aunt') cautioned him when giving him cocoa and a dry biscuit before bedtime the previous night, she and Uncle Hugo didn't rise before 9:00, 9.30 at the latest.
At 6:30 next morning Chris left on a 10-mile run and 50 yards down the street was bowled over by a woman; literally. She backed straight out of the driveway, crossed the street and the vehicle mounting the sidewalk to a stop, but not before striking him just below the knee.
He fell, his agonizing cry heard by the motorist. She ran from her stalled vehicle, leaving it at right-angles to the street and disappeared into her house, slamming the door.
After ten minutes of massaging his leg, Chris tried it gingerly; it held his weight. So he walked across the street and knocked on the door.
His violator appeared. "Yes," said the woman, as calm as a pastor an hour before starting to write his sermon.
"You fucking ran over me."
"I don't know what are talking about. I've been home all morning and please do not use such trendy language in my presence."
The mousy, lying bitch, thought Chris, but noticed a wonderful pair of boobs and thought the face not too bad either.
"I cannot apologize because fuck is Old English, said to have been introduced in literature by Friars around 1500, I believe."
"That I do not believe. Please remove yourself from our private property."
Angrily Chris walked away. Then she called, "Are you all right?"
He turned, gave her the fingers as he reached the street. Her vehicle looked abandoned, half blocking the street, the driver's door opened and he found the key in the ignition. It couldn't be left like that. He'd have to help the stupid bitch.
Chris drove the vehicle up and into her garage. He knocked on the door and held out the key. She peered out beyond him to check that the car was in the garage and took the key, saying, "Thank you; you better come in and have coffee and let me check you out physically."
"Does this mean you want to fuck me?"
Her face darkened into rust-red, the blush running into the roots of her fair hair. "I've never met anyone like you before," she almost gasped.
"Where's your husband?"
"Across to the west for a month on business. I'm going out of my mind in loneliness; he's never left me alone like this for so long - it's being two weeks."
"Are you missing him or the sex or both?"
"I can't believe you can talk to a woman you don't know like this. It's totally unchivalrous."
"Chivalry began fading with the end of the dark ages, eroded by disbelief in romantic notions, emancipation of serfs and servitude wenches and the spread of universal education. Further, Women's Lib has effectively has stymied its
return.
"Did you mention coffee?"
"Yes I did, pardon my neglect of you and I sorry I ran-away that was unforgivable. Please sit there. I'm not myself at present but my awful behavior identifies me as a coward."
She looked almost distressed so Chris held out his arms, "Come sit on my knee, you look in need of a cuddle."
The rust-red complexion returned.
"Come on, I'm not going to fuck you."
"I wish you wouldn't use that term; I'm a married woman."
Chris was set to question the relevancy of that comment but decided to let it go. "Come on."
She came forward, stopping almost against his knees. He put his arm around her waist and spun her and pulled her on to his knee.
"You smell lovely."
"Don't." But she didn't squirm to run free. Instead she leant back on to him a little.
"Like flowers."
"What kind of flowers?"
"Let me get closer to the fragrance."
She bent her neck closer, and he buried his nose behind her ear momentarily and pulled away before she could object.
"Citrus, pineapple, roses, sandalwood, peach and berries. But there are more subtle accents."
"That's amazing β they are elements of the blend; my perfume is called Cool Water. Do you have a connection with perfumes?"
"No, but I have a lot to do with women and my mother has worn French perfume all her adult life."
"Are you unmarried, a seducer of women?"