England, 1930
Lillian permitted her brother-in-law an embrace and a kiss on the cheek. In his drunkenness, he lifted her an inch from the floor. One of her heels clanked to the wood.
"Welcome to the family, love. You let me know if my brother's not a perfect gentleman!" She wiggled her toes back into her shoes.
"Yes, thank you, Arnold."
They both looked at Thomas at the foot of the stairs, cigarette lilting from his lips, eyes on the floor. He scarcely looked up as the guests passed. A flutter of worry came to life in Lillian's stomach as she wondered what he was thinking. Or perhaps regretting.
"You have a good night, brother," Arnold muttered with a wink. His sister took his place.
"Still on for lunch Thursday?"
"Midland, one o'clock." Petra gave her an affectionate flutter and was swiftly out the door—off to another party, Lillian imagined. It was nearly two in the morning.
Lillian watched the remaining guests trickle out the front door with growing trepidation. The two had scarcely been alone since the engagement was announced, and things had proceeded swiftly since. There was no baby, although many assumed so. Just he, a once widowed, once divorced man and she, a nanny to his children. She remembered his words:
I'm not good on my own. I need someone.
Why that someone should have been her, she doubted she would ever understand.
Thomas squished out his cigarette on an ever-present ashtray.
"Shall we say goodnight?" he asked. His rough, rounding accent still sounded stranger to her American ears, yet relief flooded through her. She was tired in a way impulsive decisions made one tired.
They walked side-by-side up the grand staircase. She expected them to part, but he followed. Lillian's nerves bloomed with every step. She hardly knew this man. She stopped abruptly at her door and whirled around.
"Thomas—" Her voice had the same disciplinary edge she used with the children, but the expression on his face was neutral. Unsmiling.
"Did you have fun tonight?" he asked. The automatic answer dropped off her tongue,
"Of course." His brow arched slightly. "But perhaps it was a waste," she amended. A grand wedding such as theirs seemed absurd given the circumstances. A day dress, a stone church, and a bouquet of daisies would have sufficed.
"Might as well. What else will I spend my money on?" Three tarpaulined Bugattis sat untouched in the garage. She was no materialist, and could think of no answer.
Thomas's eyes moved over her face in a crawl. She felt, as she had many times before, that he could see her thoughts carved on the inside of her skull. His expression didn't change. Whatever he saw there failed to move him.
"I'll say goodnight."
A gentle hand on the side of her arm preceded a chaste kiss on the cheek. This, followed by a moment of hesitation, then a soft, wet warmth joined briefly with her lips. He pulled away before she could register enjoyment.
"Sleep well."
Lillian stared as he disappeared down the hall, a ripple of delayed anticipation melting through her.
*
Lillian refreshed herself in the
en suite
. Her golden skin looked yellow in the gas lights. She frowned at this, a finger following the half-moon groove beside her mouth. She was a year from thirty yet. Not quite a spinster, but neither a maid. Marriage was a practical question.
Estás feliz?
Her father's voice returned, unbidden. She imagined him in the corner in his paint-stained smock. His face was solemn. He'd cared for nothing more than her happiness.
"It was the right choice," she murmured. "He's a good man." In truth, she couldn't speak to the latter. She'd never asked how Thomas earned his money, and the housekeeper wouldn't speculate.In the end, she would want for nothing, though little did she want. Lillian had abandoned all romantic notions that day in the waning light of his office. He'd placed a plain box on the table and studied her over the rim of his glass, as if already certain of her answer. They hadn't spoken of love. Friendship, perhaps, was the most she could hope for. An intimacy like that of her parents: so comfortable in each other's presence as to become one over the span of years.
Lillian pulled back the duvet and settled in. The house was quiet now that the maids had gone to bed. Across the room, the fireplace spit and fizzled out. She sat up to see the shrinking glow of coals. The winter air stole the warmth from the room in short order, leaving a frisson of bumps on her skin. There was no space of contemplation between the possibility and its initiation. Lillian merely swung her legs out of bed and padded down the hall. She felt foreign to herself.
Three knocks. Then—
"Come."
She opened the door to a lowly-lit room. Thomas's tuxedo was draped over the armchair. He was in bed already, shirtless, the tattoo on his chest formless in the dark. Surprise passed over his face. He removed his reading glass. She hadn't known he used them.
"Am I disturbing you?" she said. Even her voice sounded like a stranger's. Thomas placed the book on his nightstand.
"Not at all." He waited, starring. Seeing through her again.
"The grate in my room went out," she explained. "The maids are tired." It was impossible to tell if he believed her, but he drew back the covers nevertheless. She crawled in beside him. When her heart had slowed, she asked,
"What are you reading?"
"Othello."