Unexpected and Beautiful

I never meant to have this happen. I know that most cheating spouses say things like this but bear with me. I wasn't shopping for a mistress when I met Jill. I'd had a brief affair once before but since then I'd been completely faithful and had done a good job of fooling myself into thinking I was happy with my wife. All that changed in the span of three weeks.

I met Jill at a holiday party in New York. She and her husband were hosting. My wife and I were invited by a mutual friend. I'd love to be romantic and tell you it was love at first site but it wasn't. Of course I noticed that Jill was beautiful but I only spoke to her for about five minutes. We got there late and she'd been drinking before we arrived so she didn't even remember me being there.

I actually spent most of my time talking to her husband. He was funny and pleasant enough to talk to but I knew there was something I didn't like about him. He was a bit loud and talked over me a bit. I like to talk and if someone dominates a conversation more than me, odds are he's an asshole. Regardless I did the polite 21st century thing and sent him a friend request on Facebook when we got home. I also sent one to Jill. That's when it started to get out of control.

I joined a Bipolar Support Group on Facebook and noticed that Jill joined it about five minutes later. Apparently her husband had seen it on my profile and suggested it to her. I sent her a message saying that I didn't know she was "one of us" and explained a little bit about my illness. I thought it may have been a bit forward and didn't expect a response. The next morning I woke up and had a five hundred word message from her talking about her struggles and asking me more about mine.

Talking about manic depression always helps. Especially with fellow crazies. I think that's why "our kind" is so drawn to one other. That and our firm belief that "stable" people are usually a bit boring. We exchanged five long and detailed messages that first day. It was Christmas Eve and both of us were trying to get some work done on the computer before we had to spend time with our families the next day. She's an actress and was putting the final touches on her latest Off-Off-Broadway play. I'm a freelance writer and was trying to finish up a few articles that would be due before the first of the year. I don't think either of us got much work done between our epic long e-mails.

Jill was just so easy to talk to. Or rather to e-mail to. She understood and was not easily startled. I shared some very deep and dark things that first day and she gave it right back. These messages went on like this for a week. Eventually the topic moved on to our various infidelities. Unfortunately, that can often be another Bipolar trait. We both agreed fairly soon on that this young relationship felt a bit like those other short and intense affairs but agreed to keep our clothes on and never meet. Our first of many silly rules that we would eventually make and ultimately break spectacularly. It was quite obvious that we were good outlets for each other and we wanted desperately to keep it that way.

Unfortunately the conversation soon included our marriages. I should have known from experience that it was dangerous to approach this subject with a woman. That's how the last affair began. Jill and I expressed that neither of us were happy and felt like we didn't love our spouses anymore. We didn't hate them or wish them ill. We just felt like we were wasting our time. As much as we wanted to we both agreed that talking trash about the other spouse was off limits. More rules.

It was all mostly innocent at this point. I think the beginning of the end happened after about ten days of e-mail marathons. Jill was obviously in a bad way and very upset. She is unable to have children and when her new play began to take on that subject she was distraught and just unable to deal with it. She tried to talk to her husband and he was very cold and just didn't understand. I was worried and gave her my cell phone number. I went out of the house to go to the gym and when I was changing in the locker room, I got her call.

"Hi... It's Jill. Can you talk?" she asked.

I was buck naked in a locker room and really couldn't talk but I was so unexpectedly excited to hear her voice that I said, "Of course."

I got dressed while talking to her as best I could. I'm not shy but telling a woman that I was naked during our first phone call was a bit much even for me. The jig was finally up when I had to put my shirt on and pull the phone away from my ear. She laughed and made a comment about not having to ask what I was wearing now. We had a good laugh and I immediately knew I really liked this woman.

There was no awkwardness during that first phone call. It was as if I'd known her for years. I suppose that's understandable given the intimate nature of our e-mail conversations but I was still shocked. We talked for over an hour about all manner of things. Our marriages, our jobs, day to day boredom and our fear of it. She admitted that she didn't remember me from the party and had been staring at my Facebook pictures trying to figure out how she'd missed me.

Was that a pass? It certainly felt like a bit of one. At least a pretty serious flirt. My heart leapt a bit. This beautiful, amazing woman was actually interested in me.

We hung up and immediately started exchanging text messages about how easy the conversation had been. She admitted that she was scared to death to call and had dialed and aborted twice. She said she felt stupid for worrying about it after the fact.

After that first call, the brakes were off. We continued the e-mail barrage and started speaking on the phone at least twice a day. One by one our nice safe rules fell away. Finally the only one left was our agreement to never meet face to face.

Meanwhile my bad marriage was coming to a head. I still don't think it had much to do with Jill. I was crazy about her but even at my most manic I'd never throw away a ten year marriage for a three week old online relationship. I just knew I couldn't live with her anymore. My wife had some anger management issues and it was getting to be too much to take. Everything was a fight. I just couldn't take it anymore and told her I needed to go away for a few days to clear my head. I made plans to go see my sister in North Carolina the following weekend.

I called Jill at our usual time the next day and she was a wreck again. She and her husband had gotten into a huge fight the night before. She was trying to talk to him about her illness and he just didn't understand. He said some very mean things and she felt very alone.

"I wish I could just come and get you," I said before I even had a chance to think about it.

"I'd like that," she replied. My stomach flipped and my head started spinning. I knew then at that moment that I had to see her. It was no longer an option. But I had to make sure I wasn't reading too much into it.

"Do you want anyone to come get you or do want ME to come get you?"

"I want YOU to come get me. More than anyone, I want you," she answered.

I let out a long sigh. I've never expressed so many emotions in one simple expulsion of air. Excitement, pain, relief, longing, lust, love... It was all there in that one sigh and she heard every bit of it.

"I'm getting away from my wife for a few days and going to North Carolina. I'll stop in New York on my way. I'll see you Thursday."

Jill replied with a very expressive sigh of her own and then added a very quiet and confident, "Okay."

We continued to talk about this potential meeting for an hour. We both knew it was dangerous and stupid but we needed to see each other face to face and know if this was real or not. We had to know if these intense feelings were just pixels on a screen and voices on the phone or if they'd transfer to our real lives. We had to make sure this wasn't just some crazy manic-depressive mood swing. We needed each other desperately.

I could hardly get through the rest of my busy day. I ran my errands in a cloud. I tried to work but I just stared at my screen. The only thing I could write were IM's to Jill. We were really going to meet. It was really going to happen.

That night I snuck out of the house to go to the gym and the liquor store. On may way into town, I was suddenly struck by a deep worry. This was a bad idea. My last affair was with by best friend in the world. Someone who really understood me. Someone I could talk to about almost anything. And we'd ruined it by meeting up, having sex and getting caught. I felt even more strongly about Jill than I did about her. I couldn't risk losing that again. I just couldn't. Jill had told me that a brief affair with a close male friend of hers had ended the same way. I pulled over along side the road and typed out an e-mail into my phone before I had a chance to change my mind.

It read... "Can't believe I'm doing this but I'm calling off Thursday. We both know what will happen. And look what happened before when we took a similar path with other people. I know it's said all the time but I honestly cannot bear the thought of losing you because of one bold step taken way too soon. I don't need to see you again to know this is real, Jill. This is the most intense thing I've ever felt in my life and I'm not going to risk it for what would surely be one night of the best sex of our lives. I can wait. I can fake a business trip to NY anytime. This is very real. This will happen for us. For some reason I just know it. But I just can't take a chance on fucking it up right now. I need you. I need what we have now to keep going. When I finally get my hands on you I don't think I'll know how to let go. We said before that we'd take it slow. We both know that a meal you cook fast is never as enjoyable as one that takes hours. I want you, Jill. But I can wait."

I expected her to be disappointed and she was but that e-mail did not reduce our feelings at all. She told me that no one had ever written something so nice to her and I was amazed by that. No one had ever shared their feelings that openly with someone as beautiful, sexy and as enchanting as someone like her? How was that possible? I think I already knew that Jill would become the love of my life and I was shocked that I was the first one to feel this way about her. Maybe I was just the first one to have the guts to say it.

We kept talking at our usual prodigious rate during the days before I left for my trip. The subject of meeting up was a primary topic of conversation. We both agreed with what I wrote but our resolve was failing fast. That Thursday was a hard one for me. It was supposed to "our" Thursday and here I was fighting with my wife again and frantically packing for a trip that was sure to be a difficult one.

I got up early Friday morning for my drive. I was trying to go through the motions with my wife and I woke her up to try and make love to her before I left. She just rolled over and told me she was too tired and went back to sleep. I don't expect sex every day from my wife by any means and I expect to be rejected sometimes after ten years of marriage but this one hurt. I had told her just the night before that I was going away for a few days to decide whether or not I was going to leave her and she couldn't even be bothered to try and make sure I left with a pleasant memory in my head. It just seemed like a metaphor for what was wrong with our marriage. She said she cared and wanted to make it work but when it came time to do something about it or have a meaningful conversation about, she failed me every time. As of that moment I knew in my head that it was truly over.

I called Jill during my drive. I told her about my failed attempt to make myself feel something for my wife that morning. She consoled me and did her best not to say anything bad about my wife. She was mostly successful. I could hear in her voice how much she cared and how much she truly wished she could help me. I hadn't heard that sort of care and concern in the voice of a woman in years.

"I'll be there on Monday," I told her. "I'll stop on my way back."

"I'd like that very much," she replied. "I need to see you too. I need to be held by you so much right now."

During that weekend our e-mails and phone calls were totally out of control. I don't know how we didn't get caught. It was a good thing that I was at the home of a no-questions-asked sibling rather than an angry and suspecting wife. Jill and I made more rules. We agreed that there was no way we could see each other without kissing each other at first sight but there had to be no sex. We were just too important to each other. We needed each other too much. Sex could wait.

After the longest weekend of my life the fateful day finally arrived. I left early to get into the city in time to meet her for lunch. She'd arranged to take the afternoon off from work. I was going to meet her in Grand Central Station. It was her favorite place in New York and not far from her work. Being an out of towner who has always put New York City on a bit of a pedestal, I thought it sounded romantic and perfect.

The drive into the city was a blur. I'd been there enough to find my way into Manhattan in my sleep and I think I practically did that day. I called when I was close to give her an ETA and I could hear that she was just as excited as I was. I got to Grand Central about ten minutes early and sent her a text to let her know where I was. She replied that she was on her way.

I waited in the main lobby of the station. It was a place I'd seen in the movies about a hundred times but had never been in. I was surrounded by couples and families greeting each other and saying goodbye. I tried to take it all in but all I could do was stare at the escalator and wait for Jill to appear.

Would she recognize me? Would she really kiss me as soon as she saw me like we talked about or would she be turned off? Would it be awkward and weird? Would I fall hopelessly in love with her the second I saw her? All of the possibilities frightened me and I was starting to think it may have been a mistake to come there.

Then I saw her. She appeared at the top of the escalator in a long black coat and a cute little grey hat. It came down pretty far and covered her ears but her long dark red hair was visible sticking out around the sides and bottom. Jill looked like the star of a Woody Allen movie. So sexy, so beautiful and so much a product of her Manhattan lifestyle. She looked right at me and smiled from about fifty feet away. She definitely recognized me. I was entranced. All the noise around me stopped and I couldn't see anything but her.

She slowly walked over to me. I could tell she was taking her time to get a good look at me. The smile became a very serious look as she got closer. It wasn't a look of disappointment. It looked almost lustful. Surely I was reading too much into it.

When Jill finally reached me, she wrapped her arms around me and bent her neck back to kiss me. I responded and our lips finally met. It was a gentle but passionate kiss. Her lips were so full and soft. How had I missed that when I met her? I could have kissed those lips forever. And we nearly did. We stood in the middle of the busiest place in the world snogging like teenagers for the entire world to see and we'd only just really met seconds before. My head was spinning. Her perfume smelled perfect, she fit so perfectly in my arms. The setting was perfect. The whole thing was just... perfect.

I've never felt so much from one kiss in my life. We brushed out lips together with our mouths partly open and Jill let out a contented sigh. I knew right then and there that I was madly in love with her. I had to be with this woman. That first long kiss was the most beautiful moment of my life to that point. Nothing else had come close. I don't know how long that moment lasted. We occasionally pulled away to look into each other's eyes then would sigh or moan and rejoin.

After at least ten minutes of this we finally spoke. We hadn't even so much as said hello yet. Jill was the first one that finally managed to speak.

She pulled away and looked at me with very moist eyes and said, "You're here."

"I am. And I'm not going anywhere."

After a few more minutes of staring and kissing we agreed to move on to a more quiet location. We went outside to hail a cab. I started to flag down a Toyota mini-van and Jill grabbed my arm and put it down.

She grinned a devilish grin I would grow to love and said, "You can't cuddle in the back of one of those."

I responded by kissing her deeply. This kiss was much more urgent than the ones in Grand Central. I wanted this woman and I wanted her to know it. Our lips pressed together so hard it almost hurt. Our tongues darted in and out of each other's mouths. I squeezed her to me tightly and gently bit her lower lip. She groaned and the sound made my cock leap in my pants. I pressed my rapidly growing hard-on against her and I knew she could feel it even through our winter layers of clothing. I reached under her coat and squeezed her amazing little ass. Another moan escaped her lips.

This was New York and people were used to this sort of thing on the street but I wanted to get somewhere more private now. We finally broke our kiss and got into a more suitable cab. Jill gave the driver an address and we immediately returned to our kissing and groping.

I turned to her and wrapped my arm around her. Our lips met again and I put my hand on her inner thigh. I quickly kissed my way across her cheek to her ear. I breathed heavily into it as I brushed my teeth against her earlobe. Jill slid her hands under my jacket and dug her fingers into my back through my sweater. I kissed her hard and pushed her back so that she was almost lying down in the back seat. I slid my hand under her coat. Caressing her stomach through her thin knit shirt as I returned my attention to her earlobe. Her hand drifted down and squeezed my ass. I stifled a loud moan.

All too soon the cab stopped in front of a pub that Jill knew of but had never been in. A good safe location to continue our meeting. Before I had a chance to grab my wallet, Jill produced a twenty and paid the cabbie. It was a twelve dollar fare but she told him to keep the change. She was in just as big of a hurry as I was and the poor guy deserved a few extra bucks for putting up with our antics.

The pub was almost empty on a Thursday afternoon. We moved to a quiet corner booth and ordered a couple of pints. We didn't immediately start making out again. Instead we just stared at each other. We looked deeply into each other's eyes and tried to convey the feelings we were both to scared to admit out loud. I reached out and touched her face. She closed her eyes and nuzzled against my hand. I couldn't believe how at home and comfortable I felt with her. We'd just really fully seen each other in the flesh less than forty five minutes and here we were. Staring at each other like star-crossed lovers from a bad romantic comedy. And I didn't feel awkward or self-conscious or embarrassed. I just felt whole and complete and truly happy.

I held her hands and stared into her eyes for a moment. I let the fingers of one hand move up her loose sleeve, just grazing her forearm. She she gasped a bit and visibly shivered. I was amazed at the way she reacted to my touch.

Jill leaned in and kissed me again. I did my best to return the passion she obviously felt. I slid my hand up the back of her shirt and felt her skin. It was soft and intoxicating. I kissed her neck and breathed deeply of the scent of her perfume. I made my way up and bit her ear. I felt her nails dig into my back.

She pulled away a bit, smiled and said, "That's not fair." She was obviously referencing my solemn promise not to fuck her. I was leaned back on the wrap around couch like seat with my legs spread a bit. I hadn't realized it but my growing hard-on was proudly on display. She looked down and stared at it. Her smile disappeared and was replaced with the hungriest most lustful expression I've ever seen.