I sat in the departure lounge of Heathrow airport waiting for my flight to be called. Around me the posters of exotic places with sun kissed tropical beaches seemed a million miles away from the rain lashed tarmac beyond the windows. I sat and reflected on the events of the past few months, up until now it had been one hell of a shitty year. My relationship with Gary had gone from bad to worse in such a short space of time that it was over before either of us realised. It had finally come to a head six months ago when I was unpacking his case when he had returned home from a business trip. As I went through his suit pockets I found a pack of condoms, or to be more precise - half a pack of condoms.
There was no great fight at the end, no screaming and shouting or throwing of plates, he just accepted my find with sad resignation, as if he had no more fight left in him, to tell the truth I don't think either of us had, we were like two weary boxers that had gone the distance and this was the final bell that we both secretly wished for, the one excuse to put this miserable relationship out of its misery.
He was gone from my flat within two days, his best friend John came to help him pack up his few possessions into boxes and carry them out to the van they had hired. John smiled nervously every time we passed each other as I busied myself around the flat, cleaning the little voids left by Gary's things and generally trying to stay out of the way and not make it look as though I was spying to see what they were taking. Finally Gary handed the last box to John, instructing him to wait in the van, he left without saying anything, obediently carrying the box away.
I stood in the kitchen, nursing a cup of coffee and looking absently through the window, I heard Gary enter the room behind me 'I left my key on the table by the door' he said. There was a pause as if he expected a reply, 'I'll be at John's for the time being, the numbers in the pad by the phone.' I remained silent, 'someone will pop round in a couple of days to get my mail.' After another pregnant pause I turned to face him, he could see straight away that I was crying. I was so annoyed with myself for letting him see me like this, I had been hoping to hold out until he was gone but the tears had welled to an uncontrollable level and finally burst their banks. Gary's first instinct had been to hold his arms open to me, as he had comforted me so many times before, and part of me wanted nothing more than to bury myself there and sob until everything was all right again, but A stronger part of me made me wave him away and say 'Please, just go.'
For the next few weeks I was just going through the motions of life, coasting along, running on empty. I constantly found myself telling people that I was just fine and that things had worked out for the best, it was almost a reflex action, a defence mechanism to hide my pain.
The last thing on my mind was taking a holiday when I picked the post up from the doorstep one morning, but there it was, a fat envelope from the travel agents. It all came back to me then, Gary, in a fit of over-compensation due to him always working away, had booked us both on a 3-week holiday in Spain at a villa on the Costa Blanca. It had cost him an absolute fortune but he had paid in full months ago and I had totally forgotten about it until now. I called him at his office to ask him what he wanted to do about the holiday. 'Hello Jo' he said nervously, 'Um how are you?'
'I'm doing Fine' I replied, 'how are you.'
'I'm good, thanks.'
'Its nice to hear from you.' There was a short silence before I explained to him about the holiday tickets and I asked him what he wanted to do with them, he had forgotten about it too. 'Well, if I cancel now I won't get any money back, it's just too late and I have to go to Germany that week anyway, so I cant use them' he said 'Why don't you use the holiday, get a friend to go with you or something, it would be a shame for the tickets to go to waste.' I thought long and hard about it for about a millionth of a second and agreed that I would go. After exchanging a few pleasantries with Gary I hung up then started to phone round my friends, starting with Lucy, my oldest friend. Unfortunately it a free holiday was a lot more difficult to give away than I could have imagined, Lucy didn't think she would be able to get the time off from her job, and the same went for all my other single friends, and the non singles all had holiday plans with their respective partners anyway. By the time I had exhausted my phonebook I was no nearer to finding a travelling companion and I had started to feel pretty despondent about the whole thing when it finally struck me, I would go on my own, after all I had survived the last few months alone so what difference would another three weeks make. I phoned Gary the next day and asked him if he could get his ticket transferred to Lucy, I didn't want him to think I was travelling alone and besides, if by some miracle Lucy did manage get the time off work, she would be able to join me after all.
I arrived, in Spain at three o'clock in the morning. I quickly collected my baggage and hired a car. By four AM I was out of the airport and on the motorway, desperately trying to make sense of the directions to the villa and the Spanish road signs. It was almost light by the time I found the villa, it looked beautiful but I was so dog-tired that I only had a cursory look around before finding my bed. I closed the shutters to keep out the Growing light of the new day and slid naked between the cool white cotton sheets and submitted willingly to sleep.
I awoke in the heat of the early afternoon to the sound of cicadas outside my window and I felt totally at peace and fully refreshed, something I had not felt in a long time. I threw back the bed sheets and opened the shutters and windows, letting the Spanish sun stream through into the darkened room in shafts of warm golden light. I stepped out onto the cool marble tiles of the terrace outside my bedroom and stood, naked, enjoying the feeling of a light breeze and the warm sun on my body. Looking out into the garden, I watched the sunlight glimmer through the branches of the fruit trees as it danced on the surface of the swimming pool and the vast blue Mediterranean beyond. All doubts that I had about coming here alone dissolved in seconds.
Eventually I managed to steal myself away and went back into my room, opened my suitcase and dug out a T-shirt, pulling it on as I left in search of coffee.