I sat in the departure lounge of Heathrow airport waiting for my flight to be called. Around me the posters of exotic places with sun kissed tropical beaches seemed a million miles away from the rain lashed tarmac beyond the windows. I sat and reflected on the events of the past few months, up until now it had been one hell of a shitty year. My relationship with Gary had gone from bad to worse in such a short space of time that it was over before either of us realised. It had finally come to a head six months ago when I was unpacking his case when he had returned home from a business trip. As I went through his suit pockets I found a pack of condoms, or to be more precise - half a pack of condoms.
There was no great fight at the end, no screaming and shouting or throwing of plates, he just accepted my find with sad resignation, as if he had no more fight left in him, to tell the truth I don't think either of us had, we were like two weary boxers that had gone the distance and this was the final bell that we both secretly wished for, the one excuse to put this miserable relationship out of its misery.
He was gone from my flat within two days, his best friend John came to help him pack up his few possessions into boxes and carry them out to the van they had hired. John smiled nervously every time we passed each other as I busied myself around the flat, cleaning the little voids left by Gary's things and generally trying to stay out of the way and not make it look as though I was spying to see what they were taking. Finally Gary handed the last box to John, instructing him to wait in the van, he left without saying anything, obediently carrying the box away.
I stood in the kitchen, nursing a cup of coffee and looking absently through the window, I heard Gary enter the room behind me 'I left my key on the table by the door' he said. There was a pause as if he expected a reply, 'I'll be at John's for the time being, the numbers in the pad by the phone.' I remained silent, 'someone will pop round in a couple of days to get my mail.' After another pregnant pause I turned to face him, he could see straight away that I was crying. I was so annoyed with myself for letting him see me like this, I had been hoping to hold out until he was gone but the tears had welled to an uncontrollable level and finally burst their banks. Gary's first instinct had been to hold his arms open to me, as he had comforted me so many times before, and part of me wanted nothing more than to bury myself there and sob until everything was all right again, but A stronger part of me made me wave him away and say 'Please, just go.'
For the next few weeks I was just going through the motions of life, coasting along, running on empty. I constantly found myself telling people that I was just fine and that things had worked out for the best, it was almost a reflex action, a defence mechanism to hide my pain.
The last thing on my mind was taking a holiday when I picked the post up from the doorstep one morning, but there it was, a fat envelope from the travel agents. It all came back to me then, Gary, in a fit of over-compensation due to him always working away, had booked us both on a 3-week holiday in Spain at a villa on the Costa Blanca. It had cost him an absolute fortune but he had paid in full months ago and I had totally forgotten about it until now. I called him at his office to ask him what he wanted to do about the holiday. 'Hello Jo' he said nervously, 'Um how are you?'
'I'm doing Fine' I replied, 'how are you.'
'I'm good, thanks.'