Why? Why in the world am I still doing this? After everything I know, or I guess don't know, why would I actually want to do this? I keep asking myself this question and trying to come up with answers as I pull out of the garage. The drive over isn't as nerve-racking as the first couple of times but it still makes me wonder what will happen. As I pull into the parking lot, I don't see a familiar looking car. Seriously? If he fell asleep, I will really kick his ass. It's freezing outside and I have to drive in this cold. On top of that, my car hasn't warmed up at all. What is taking this kid so long? He is always here before me.
I pull out my phone and text, "I'm here, are you on your way?"
Waiting in anticipation is the worst part about anything. Whether it is waiting to see if you get accepted into a college, call for that job interview, or if someone will show up or not for a date. Buzz. I check my phone. Of course, nothing more simple than, "yeah." When waiting, time always seems to stretch out, two minutes seem like ten and ten seem like 20. I look down at my phone when I see a car stop right next to mine in my peripheral vision. I look to my left and yup, he is here. I turn the heat and radio off and then kill the engine. Unbuckle my seatbelt, grab my purse, and open the driver side door. Like always, I walk to the passenger side back door and open it. The first time was the only time I saw him already sitting in the back seat. Every other time when I got in the car, he was still in the driver seat. Thinking this I get in and close the door. Perfect, just perfect. It is like this every single time. I know it will be awkward. I don't really care right now though because I am frozen solid. My teeth chattering and my entire body shaking made me feel even more nervous. I feel like I should have enough experience by now to not feel nervous in front of guys but it still gets me every time. We say hi and hello and become quiet.
"You car is so cold, I thought you said you warmed it up."
"I did but you just let in 600 pounds of cold air in."
Wow, I think that was the first time I heard him say something remotely funny. Didn't think he had a funny bone in his entire body. I wanted to laugh out loud but didn't for some reason. I still sat there like a popsicle. As I'm wondering if he plans to stay up in the front the entire time, he turns off the heat and starts climbing to the back.
"Here"
He offers me a blanket. I just came from putting my feet on a heater to -10 degrees outside, I don't think a blanket will do anything, but I take it anyway. After a minute maybe, he puts his arm behind my back and pulls me in close. Just the way I like. Being in his arms always makes me feel so protected. Well I guess he isn't the only one. Almost any man's arms around me make me feel protected. He lets me go after a couple of minutes and stretches his arms towards the heater. He turns the heating back on. I guess he must be cold too. Even if he is a guy, he isn't immune to winter. He leans back and sits silently next to me. I have no idea what to say. I want to talk to him every time but I never know what to say to him. He never asks me about me and asking about him never gets me anywhere. I told him before we decided to meet tonight that he would have to open up to me more. After all, we have been talking for two months now and I still don't know anything about his life. We have even hung out a couple of times and yet I still don't know anything. This kind of thing always makes me question what he really wants from me, although I have decent idea what it might be. Knowing this and trying to stop myself from talking to him doesn't ever help me. I mean, here I am again so clearly it isn't sticking in my head. I don't understand that reason. Is it because I'm bored and there isn't anyone else around or has he really used his magic on me. Ahhh, finally warm. My feet are still cold though. He wraps his arm around me again and holds me close. He soon starts pushing his weight on me and I begin sliding down on the seat with him. God, my feet!
"I'm going to take my shoes off, my feet are cold."
"Wouldn't that make it worse?"
"No, it'll help trust me."
I struggle to take my shoes off while he's half on top of me and I'm half lying down at a weird angle. It's so difficult to do anything in his tiny car. I take my shoes off and wrap my feet around in the blanket. They slowly begin to warm up. We make small talk again here and there while we get comfortable but nothing to really excite me. Same old same old stuff. After situating ourselves he looks up at me and I know exactly what's going to happen. He brings his lips close to mine and kisses me. Kissing is alright but hopefully he doesn't do anything else. We planned on getting together tonight to hang out and play cards only. He told me that he was fine with doing just this and nothing more. I should've seen this coming. All he ever wants to do this. Whatever, it's just kissing. I can deal with it. I kiss at first but my neck keeps cramping up at the awkward angle and I didn't want to this anymore. I really want to just play cards. I keep going anyways thinking that maybe he'll stop. He soon slips his hand under my shirt and jacket and is grabbing me all over. Down my pants a little and back up and then off to my belt. He starts undoing my belt. Come on Lila! You can do this, just keep going. Every little step which makes him get closer to undoing my jeans, I cringe inside. That's it, no more.
"Lets play cards."
Nothing. Kiss after kiss all the while his hand keeps working on undoing my belt and jeans.
"Come on, you said we can play cards. Let's do it. I thought you said you were going to kick my butt before."
Nothing still. He really isn't here for cards after all. I yell at myself inside my head for knowing that this was going to happen and not stopping it. It's hard to push him off while he's on top of me and get up. He keeps going nonetheless.
"Cards, come on."
Finally the kissing comes to an end and his fingers stop. I push him back a little and struggle to lift myself up holding the headrest of the car seat. He moves away from me and leans back. I take out the deck of cards I brought in my purse and hand it to him.
"What do you want to play?"
"I don't know."