Most men today are fucking losers. Take my boyfriend Leonard for instance. He's a smart guy, a bit of a nerd, one of the quiet ones, a real sweetheart sometimes. Before we moved in together things were good. The sex was regular, not all that great, but at least he was efficient. Perhaps, it was even a little too fast for my liking. After he moved in, the romance evaporated and now we hardly have sex. I'm fine with taking things into my own hands every now and then. I'm not a woman who depends exclusively on a man for her happiness, but you know, flying solo ain't that same as being man-handled.
Honestly, I don't even understand why I fell for that guy. I mean, he's all no-fish no-meat, a lump that humps without energy. I'm always ready to go, ready for the fight. When I find something I want, I go after it, claws open. At work I'm a tigress like that. Folks there know not to fuck with me. I wasn't born in the year of the tiger for nothing. It's like I'm the alpha-bitch in this relationship. Everything is upside down. I don't know. Maybe, it's just time for me to be on the prowl again.
I go into his office, the second bedroom in our apartment converted into his work area for graphics design. And there he is working on another image on his computer. The picture is a panther with bulging muscles breaking free from chains on its paws. It's cool but I got my own chains to break now. So I say to him, "Leonard, we got to talk."
He twists his upper body around and says, "Okay. What's up?"
"Not you, that's for sure," I cross my arms.
His hands remain on the mouse and keyboard, ready to resume his interface with that silicon goddess. It irritates me. He has a puzzled look. "Come, again?"
I laugh. "I'd love too. But I wore out the batteries in my vibrator."
His confused face shifts ever so slightly to that deer in the headlight glow. How can he be so clueless? He rotates in his chair to fully face me. "You know I've been super busy lately."
"When you come home you're always in here."
"Bullshit." He frowns. "I spend time with you every evening. We go out once a week."
"Sure, we sit on the couch and watch a movie. That's not enough."
"Aria, I try to do as much with you as I can. Didn't we go to that silly Festival of Colors the other weekend? We came home looking like we got mugged by a rainbow."
"Leonard, I'm the one always planning everything. When are you going to man-up and take charge of things?"
That stupid lost look paints his face again. How can someone so smart be equally so stupid? I feel a little sorry for him, but I've reached my wits end.
"We're just not working out." I say.
He looks at the floor. "Please, don't say that. I love you. What do you want me to do?"
A million ideas flash through my mind. Honestly, this isn't the first time we've had this conversation. I've told him time and again what I need. I could list all of the things again, starting and ending with the fact that our fucking lacks, I don't know, passion or something. I mean, I get wet often and it just goes to waste. I can't help it. I can envision my ideal lover, slowly working his way over my body, starting with his tongue teasing mine, his lips working their way from my neck down to my nipples, pausing there to suck for a moment before moving further down my stomach until he finds my clit. God, to have a man that knows how to lick my pussy would be amazing! After feeling myself come from this, he mounts me, working his cock into my hungry cunt. I wrap my legs around him as he trusts me until I cum multiple times. In reality, my vibrator has been doing the work for the past few nights while my imagine makes my body tingle with what it wants most. It's stupid to keep going through batteries on a daily basis. Something else needs to be replaced.
I look down at Leonard and say, "Figure it out."
"Okay," he says in a tone that sounds indifferent and turns back towards his computer. He hands connect with the keyboard and mouse and he starts working on his panther picture again. It's as if nothing happened.
My face flushes. I'm so angry and aching I want to cry. On my way out of his room I slam the door.
I take a seat on the sofa and start Hulu on the widescreen. A couple hours pass by and Leonard hasn't left his room. What a way to start the weekend. It's Friday night. Usually, he'd be out by now and we'd be watching something or go out for dinner. Maybe I was being a bit of a bitch. I don't know. I'm regretting it now. But, how long am I supposed to put up with someone who's incompatible in bed? Seriously, this is so fucked up. Usually, it's the guy that's hard up and the girl that's a dead fish. It's so stupid. How did I get stuck with a guy that's not that interested in sex? Maybe it's because he's a nice guy or he's a nerd and has his mind on other things.
The bedroom door finally opens and Leonard marches out. I look at him just in time to see his serious face as he walks right past me and out the front door. Whoa. What the hell? He didn't even say goodbye. Fine. Whatever. I cross my arms and tell myself it's for the best. The room darkens as the last light of the day fades. My eyes glisten. I blow my nose and tell myself he's a selfish asshole for not giving me what I need. I watch another stupid romance.
It's near 11PM and my eyes burn. I struggle to keep them open. Leonard is still out. I begin to think he probably went to some bar, although that's not his thing. Then a more disturbing thought arises. Maybe he's been seeing someone else. Maybe that's why he hasn't been much into me. There's that female friend of his at work he talks about. Mandy. God, I hate that name. It's like making a man into a woman, except that he's not transgender or in any way equipped for the task. Anyway, Mandy - she's his partner on a lot of projects. They text and talk a lot. Maybe he's out talking with her now. Or worse.
I shift on the couch as my mind pictures them talking, her with those puppy dog eyes and puffy hair. Suddenly, she's pawing at him, her mouth on his lips. It makes me want to throat punch her. Then I see her with that crooked smile of perfect teeth. It's really sultry and seductive. I've seen her smile at him like that before. The first time I saw it I knew she was out to get him. Then, in my mind, I see her crouch down and pull off his pants. In the next instant her mouth engulfs his penis. Leonard throws his head back and moans. I want to spit flames. I give good head. Damn him, if he thinks any other woman can do it better!
I reach for my phone. No messages. My heart is pounding. Why was I so stupid to talk to him that way? What did I expect? We all have our breaking points and when we're pushed past it the results are sometimes unpredictable - regrettable. And now, I was really hating myself and angry with him and worried that Mandy was at that moment giving Leonard the best blowjob ever. I mean, I'm good. At least I think I am. Most of my past lovers never complained. They usually finished. Doesn't that mean it was good?
The emotional tug of war within has worn me out. I turn out most of the lights, leaving the kitchen light on for when - if - Leonard comes back. I take a short hot shower and then crawl into our king size bed. We almost always go to bed at the same time. I can't remember the last time we hadn't gone to bed together. The large emptiness of the bed in the dark bedroom expands making me feel small, like a child, abandoned, like I felt when my Dad left my Mom for another woman when I was eleven. I wipe my eyes again and eventually drift away.
A rush of cool air sweeps my naked skin. I wake up realizing the bedsheets have been stripped away. It's dark in the room. I'm twisted onto my back and feel a weight on my body. My hands are grabbed and pinned to the bed. Someone is on top of me. My heart races and I struggle against the grip.