The Wrong Sister

Hannah turns away and against all better judgement I chase after her, holding the dressing gown to my naked form in the hope I don't spill out of it. It must look pathetic to any neighbours watching, a scantily clad middle-aged woman chasing after her pregnant sister.

"Han wait," I say pushing her car door shut as she gets to it. "I can explain."

It's such a stupid thing to say and she knows it. And it's very much unlike Hannah to bark as bitterly as she does then - in fact, it's something altogether like something I'd have done once upon a time. A time before Will.

"Oh really? You can explain why you're naked but for a practically sheer dressing gown, answering the door in my ex-husband's house?"

I bite my lower lip and groan. "Well, maybe not." I admit, deciding that there's nothing I can say that will be able to explain this away.

"No, I didn't think so. You... you're sleeping with him?"

A deep breath as I look my sister in the eye. I give her the slightest of nods, which just makes her look even more sickened.

"You went to him to save my marriage." she says, not looking at me. And what's worse than the anger and the revulsed looks is this new look - sadness. Betrayal. My heart breaks for her, and my hand instinctively goes for hers, only for her to snatch it away as if I'd touched her with a hot iron.

"Don't touch me," she snarls.

"I did try Han. I promise you I did. I... this all happened afterwards. Just last week, actually. After Jo's birthday party."

It's the look of betrayal, I tell myself. That's why I'm lying to her. At this point I'm trying to save my family, and save my sister's heart. It's selfish, I know, but I don't know what else to do other than try and protect her. She looks at me and I see tears stinging her eyes.

"You're my sister," she gasps, the pain all so obvious now. "You shouldn't have done anything with him. How could you Izzy? How could you do this to me?"

Tears trickle down my cheeks. "I'm sorry Hannah. I am. I never wanted you to find out like this." I sniff, but she just shakes her head and tries the door of her car again.

"Please let me go. I don't want to see you. I can't stomach it."

I want to beg her to let me talk to her, but I have no idea what I will say. So I let go of the door and watch Hannah get in and quickly reverse away. And I'm left standing in the middle of the street, wind pulling at the hem of my gown, until the car disappears round the corner.

Will has seen it all. He stands in his doorway looking as pale as I feel, and he guides me into the living room and sits me down on the sofa. It's there that I fully break down, ugly crying into his shoulder as the enormity of my constant selfish actions finally catch up to me. And it's not even me I'm sorry for - I'm sorry for Hannah, and I'm sorry for my girls because I fear they will never see their aunt again.

"Does she know everything?" Will asks tentatively when I'm left with only hiccuping miserably.

"Um... I said it started last week. I couldn't tell her the truth Will. You should have seen her face. I can't believe I've done this to her. Why have I been so selfish? Why didn't I stop?"

"You can't beat yourself up about it," he soothes. "And it's not like she's acted any better than us - she's carrying Justin's baby. Do you regret what we've done?"

I look at him then and measure up the guilt with the feelings and confidence that Will has given me. It's a very easy answer to give him. "No, not at all. But it's not just me that's affected by what we've done, handsome."

He pauses then his head drops. "Your daughters," he says quietly.

What will my girls think of me when they realise that mummy has done something to hurt their aunt? That she's been selfish and only thought of her own happiness instead of considering them?

"You're allowed to be selfish you know."

It's like he's been reading my thoughts, and I can't help but smile sadly at him as I touch his face. "No, I can't. Not when it comes to them. That's not how I work. How motherhood works."

We sit in silence for a time, holding each other's hands while I consider what I can do to fix this situation. There is a part of me that doesn't want to fix anything - at this point what I'm doing with Will to the outside world is perfectly reasonable, if a little cold considering Hannah's feelings and the past she shares with him. But then I think of what Han will tell my brother, father and wider family, and I know that I can't raise my girls without them.

A decision somewhat made, I stand up and turn to look at Will. He looks up from me expectantly but he already knows what I'm going to say, preempting me before I even open my mouth.

"You're leaving."

I nod. "I am. I'll get changed and head home and... think about what to do next." I sigh. "I don't think either of us will enjoy ourselves too much considering what's just happened."

His disappointment is plain to see, but he still smiles at me. "Well... at least we got to do something."

Even now, when he's clearly as upset about our dirty weekend being cut short, he's kind. I lean down to kiss him, savouring his lips and his touch as a hand goes around my waist. It would be so easy to straddle him, to let him open my gown and kiss my body so that he can kiss and fuck away all of my problems. I pull away before my resolve fades.

I don't spend much longer in his house. My clothes and bags are quickly packed and I head home after kissing Will a little too long in his hallway. I kiss him hard because I don't know when I'll get a chance to again. Whether the situation is going to be such that there is no future for us together.

Knowing Hannah, I know she needs time to calm down. So I only go home and refrain from contacting her in any way. I try to think about how I felt when I found out my ex had cheated on me, about the betrayal and pain I felt. And while what Hannah had seen between me and Will wasn't quite the same, it was close enough that I could empathise with how she felt.

There is only so long someone can wait though. After a week of silence between myself and Hannah, I decide it can't go on any longer. I have discussions over text with Will regarding whether it should be him that speaks to my sister, but I feel like this is my fault and so I want to own it. If anyone should take the brunt of her ire, it should be me.

That Friday I head to my father's home with the girls and already know that this will be difficult. Dad is so short with me when he answers the door, and it's clear that he knows and doesn't approve. That hurts more than how Hannah had looked at me at Will's door, and all I want to do is tell him that it's not as bad as it seems. That I'm in love with him. That I see the rest of my life at his side.

Just like Hannah had.

Dad takes the girls into the living room to watch a film with them, and I enter the conservatory to see Hannah there marking books with one hand, the other resting on her bump. She shoots me a venomous look as I close the door and take a seat opposite her.

"Thought you might have contacted me sooner," she drawls, voice thick with contempt.

Deep breaths, I tell myself.

"You needed time. So did I."

"Time?" she barks bitterly, red pen spilling from her hand to the glass table. "Since when did you care about time? Or is a few weeks enough time for you to make a move on my ex-husband?"

"I didn't..."

I close my eyes and take another deep breath. I see the line between the truth and protecting my sister and I know it's barely a whisker wide. That one misstep, one moment of my temper getting away from me, and I will lose my family. My girls will lose their family.

This has to be done. My eyes flash open and I find the courage to carry on.

"I didn't mean for you to get hurt. Neither did Will," I say, raising my hand up to stop her talking over me and giving her a warning glare which thankfully shuts her up. "But you have to understand that he was hurting and things... kind of happened."

"So you made things better for him, did you?"

I look across at my sister, wishing she'd calm down. "I care for Will a great deal, Han. I'm not sorry it happened. Just sorry you found out how you did."

Hannah goes beet red, struggling for words as her mouth moves like a fish. Then she leans forward and her voice is a harsh whisper.

"You're going to continue?"

Another deep breath and then a nod. "If he wants to. And... and I guess if I have your blessing. I know we've not always been close but I don't want to lose you Hannah. I don't want the girls to lose you. To lose the family."

"Don't bring Gabby and Jo into this! How... how dare you use them to cover up for your indiscretions!"

Her voice has raised and I feel my own creep up. "I did nothing wrong, Han. Neither of us did. I'm sorry you're hurting, fuck knows I would be too, but... this is your doing."

"He's my ex-husband!" she snaps, standing up and looking down at me with ferocious eyes and quivering lips, ignoring my barb. "There are some places you don't go, and that is one of them. How would you feel if I'd done the same to Phil when you got divorced? Just invited him round and shown him a good time?"

"Hannah, it isn't like-"

"It's exactly like that Izzy! He is off limits!"

"Just like Justin was?" I snarl back at her, standing up and leaning on my white, clenched fists.

Her nostrils flare and so do mine, the two of us as far away from sisterhood as we've ever been. We stare at one another and realise we've got too loud and too nasty. It's Han who looks away first, her hand caressing her bump through her blue polka dot blouse.

"I won't give you permission to fuck Will," she says quietly.

"I don't... Han, it's not... that. I don't want your blessing for that. I want your blessing to explore more with him. Maybe a future."

"Well I definitely will not give permission for that."

"Han," I laugh. "I don't want permission - you're not mum. But I want your blessing."

She looks back at me as she sits down, eyes cold as I take my seat once more. "And if I don't give it? Because I have no intention of giving it Isobel - I don't want you dating Will."

I look at her levelly and weigh up everything that is at stake. If I continue with Will then I will be with the man I love. I can have a future with him, maybe marriage - God, even that doesn't seem so unappealing with him. But it would mean being ostracized by the family I rely on and, more importantly, robbing my girls of their aunt, uncle and maternal grandfather. I'd seen how they'd taken the loss of my mother - could I be the one responsible for taking the rest of their family away?

My heart breaks at the decision I have to make. A repugnantly easy one, because to be a parent is to put their needs over all of my own.

"Okay Han," I say, head dropping as I let her defeat me. "Okay. I won't date him. If it means sorting things out between us, then I'll stay away."

I hear her sniff and then take a breath as if to speak. I'm sure that she wasn't expecting that - more fireworks perhaps, but not me rolling over and showing my belly. "Well," she says eventually. "Good. I'm glad we could sort this out. I'm sorry I lost my temper."

The rest of the evening is a haze. My daughters had heard the argument and probed awkwardly as they sought to understand why we'd been shouting. I simply explain sometimes sisters fight, and remind them that they do it often enough. They don't need to know the true reason. Nor do they need to see the tears streaming down my face after they'd gone to bed that night as I send a message to Will.

"I tried. I'm sorry, but I can't. I can't rob the girls of their family for my happiness. I'm so sorry xx" Will immediately tries to call but I don't answer. He tries several more times and I just simply stare at his name on my phone and wish he'd just leave me alone to grieve for what we could have had. Then the phone vibrates with a notification and I somewhat reluctantly open it.

"Please don't stop fighting for us xx"

My heart fractures further and unsexy sobs wrack my body. I never deserved him, I think. After all I'd done with him, I know to not have him now is punishment for all the betrayal and cheating I did before. Even afterwards, when I had spoken with Hannah, I still lied. I go to the bed I only got to share with him once and fall asleep in tears.

The next few days are filled with grey. The weather, my mood. Everything feels dull and inconsequential as I procedurally play out my role as nurse and mother, feeling nothing but the heart break that I brought on myself. Colleagues ask if I'm well, clearly concerned, but I can hardly tell them the truth. It would only alienate them to me too.

How I am with my daughters hurts more than anything, and slowly I notice my subdued nature taking a toll on them. Through the haze of pain I see how joyless they become, how snappy they are with one another. I know it's not healthy for them and yet I can snap out of it. I can't seem to find joy in anything anymore. And while I know it's ridiculous to let a man have such an effect on me, I had seen a future with Will where I was happy. That I would love and be loved, and my girls would grow up seeing their mum happy.

And now it's gone.

I feel like there is nowhere to turn. No one from my family has reached out to me, their side apparently taken. And I cannot reach out to Will because of what I promised Hannah, regardless of how it rankles me. All I can do is reiterate to myself why I have done it, and surround myself with the love of my daughters. Because at least I have them.

Unlike previous occasions, the ache of loss doesn't fade even after a few weeks. My family at least get in touch, but Will stops trying, and no matter how much I look at my phone I can't seem to shake how badly I feel I've missed out on something huge. Everytime I feel my resolve weaken I remind myself why I have done what I have done and put my phone down, the message to my former lover remaining incomplete.

But at least Hannah is friendly with me again, even though I need to bite my tongue hard when she tells me she's moving in with Justin. Indeed, it's like nothing has ever happened between us. Like Will never existed.

It's another Friday night when I take the girls around for tea with my dad and Hannah. Justin is there too, of course. And as I sit at the dining table, eating fish and chips with my family, I zone out as Hannah breezily tells us all of the things they were doing to make Justin's home ready for their baby

"So we have the nursery ready. I know it's early but it makes sense to do it now, don't you think Izzy? Before I get too big and I can't help? I'm sure you probably helped loads, but I can't stand the idea of just watching Justin do it all."

I glance up and see her smiling at me, awaiting a response. And then I see her hand clasped in Justin's, and how happy she is sitting beside him. How complete she looks. How satisfied and content with life knowing they will have a little happy family together.

I want that.

"I'm going to date Will."

It comes from nowhere. I don't even realise I'm saying it before it is already said. My words are greeted with deafening silence, and from the corner of my eye I can Jo and Gabby glance at one another. They don't know much about love, but they do have an idea of what dating means, and they don't know any other Will other than Uncle Will.

Hannah looks taken aback before smiling slightly and replying in a saccharine sweet way. "We've discussed this, Izzy - you're not."

All my resolve comes flooding back. My back straightens and I feel my jaw tilt as I'm overcome with the understanding of, not just what I need, but what my girls need from their mother too.

"Yes, I am. I'm fed up of moping around at home and being a bad role model because I'm trying to do the right thing for my daughters. Do you know what they need Hannah? They need their mum to be happy. And do you know what would make them happy? Seeing their mum with the man she loves."

Hannah looks scandalised. Everyone does. "You love him?" she asks, that four-letter word dripping with scorn and doubt. And in response I nod proudly, finally fighting for the man I know I want to spend my days with.

"Yes. I love him. And you can refuse to never see me again and I won't give a shit. I won't. And-"

"Mum said a naughty word!"

"Not now, Gabby." I say quickly, voice firm, but my eyes never look away from my sister. "And I won't sit here and watch you get to be happy after what you did when I could be doing the same. And if you ever cared for Will, you'll not step in the way. Because he loves me too."

It's like there's no more air in the room. Everyone is silent, and the only noise is the monotonous tocking of dad's old carriage clock. I watch Hannah stare back at me but clearly these revelations have left her mute, because she has nothing to say. And I have no intention of waiting around to find out when she will next speak when I have a life to fix.

"Dad, can you look after the girls for a bit?"

"Um... sure," he says, a little taken aback as I stand up and head to put my shoes on.

"Where are you going?" Hannah shouts after me without moving, and I turn to look back at her with all of my old confidence brimming once more. Because I know what I need to do.

"I'm going to tell the man I love I am his."

It's perhaps harsh to leave Gabby and Jo there when the chances are Hannah will spend the next few hours bitching about me, but some things can't wait. I'll just need to spend some time before bed going over all they had just heard.

I just hope that by the time I get to Will, after leaving it too long to understand what I need, it won't be too late.

The weather has turned nasty, and the short drive to where Will lives is spent squinting through heavy rain lashing against the windscreen. It means I need to drive safely when all I want to do is put my foot down and get to him as soon as possible, as if every moment not with him is a moment wasted.

His lights are on when I reach his street, which I'm thankful for. What I'm not thankful for is forgetting to bring a coat with me, or an umbrella. So I dive from my car and run up his drive, a hand above my head in a futile effort to keep the storm from soaking me. I knock hastily at his door and hope he's not busy or otherwise indisposed.

Thankfully it's not too long, but when he answers the door I'm sure I look more like a drowned rat than the woman he'd declared his love for.

"Izzy? Christ, come in come in."

I don't stand on ceremony, quickly bustling past him and into his hallway with just a quick thanks before turning back to him. He's dressed smartly, with a white tee and tight blue jeans. He looks as handsome as always - the kind of handsome I almost feel unworthy to even look at.

"Will, I've got to talk to you." I say quickly.

"Well do you want to get dry first? I can grab a towel."

"Yes. I mean... no. I don't care about towels. Or anything. I thought I was doing the right thing before."

He stands there before me looking slightly nervous. "Before?" he queries.

"Yes before. When I argued with Hannah," I tell him, words rapid and slightly unsteady from the cold seeping into my skin. "I thought Gabby and Jo needed my family. But they don't need them as much as they need me to be happy. And you make me happy. So happy Will that I... I... feel like I could burst with it. You make everything before, all the things that made me so bitter, worth it. I'd do it all again if... if you'll just let me try and make you as happy as you make me."

My hands are clasped around my midriff for warmth as I desperately look up at the man who my heart belongs to. I have handed him it, and now I wait to see what he says about such an offer.