The Surrogate Girlfriend Dilemma...

OK, so here's how it goes...

i was out with my buddies i grew up with, tight as blood brothers, we did everything against the world together, always stood up for one another, any Cousin or other, stood up for my neighbors, my Friends, whatever; ya know?

She walked into that little hole in the wall bar, in a hot, tight skimpy black getup, stiletto heels, black shiny teardrop ear hangers to match both her stunning black outfit, but her eyes too!!

Never had I seen anyone more perfect in every way, enough to almost, ((and I mean c l o s e...)) cause my Heart to stop like an explosion or a wreck. Cause that's what she did to me on first sight!!

I was struggling right over top of my best buds since bout birth, just to get closer, to hear her speak, to see her breathe. I had to remember to breathe too, as I got closer and saw more of this perfectly shaped, formed and nicely, hottie powered pussy power driving not only her personality, but her character and stunningly soft everything else, knocked my to my knees, to the floor!!

This hottie was Seriously Smokin'😱 kinda girl; in no time, i was knocking myself out to get her attention, and failing miserably at getting her to much less look at me!! I was at my wits end, until the night of the dance at the BBQ feast and roast of a local dandy business man, big in the auto sales world;

A Man With A Gift For Sales, and, of course, as legend told it, he had a huge horse cock.... elephant dick, Moby the Baby Whale Dick; when he was born, they said, he spun his little baby body in the Doctors hands, whipping his long gorilla kong around up to his own butt, and smacked it hard enough to make himself cry!!

The Doctor was SO stunned, he almost dropped him, went to hand him off to the Nurse, who was passed out..... fainted dead away!! "OOOORDERLLLYYYY!!!" the Doc screamed at the top of this lungs!

The Keystone Kops erupted everywhere around me all at once, hyper space Ludicrous Speed scattering to stations all over the Hospital facility. One of the small, darting, fast moving bursts of something blurry that the Doc grabbed out of thin air, flipping it towards my head at about a thousand miles an hour;

It was bouncing off my ear first, then just below my scalp line, right where my hat sits all sweaty and steaming, humid hot, and burns along with the rest of my body in the Western Desert scorching heat....God, I hate that shit, stingy, sweaty, sticky heat that rolls over you and sticks to your body like Super Glue!!

Melted into your 125° temp skin like you be in the Oven of the Earf. That's what we call Home here: Third Planet From the Sun, ya know, Earf;

....soon, many of us refugee's will get our green cards, physicals and staging tests to qualify for "the Run To Marz." Ya know, shot up into the Sky on a rocket, all fire and flame and thunder!!

And then, three months of slow moving, floating in your Tin Can through the vast nothing called Space. Three months of farts, belching and sweaty armpit odors, all canned up with you, and the other 20 NASA certified astrosluts and astrohunks!! Blast Off!! Sex in Zero Gee is hard, folks! Sir Newton's Laws of Physics apply, especially in outer space!!!

Screw Marz!! I like Earf Girls just fine, thank you!! I'll stay on good 'ole Earf, with my good friend Bennie. He got suspended the other day, for showing Lil Kim his Big Jim, and got busted when Kim's teacher came in to see where Kim and Bennie had gotten away to, and already too long over the timer in the good Teacher's head!!

((Sound queery, sand fairies, dune's doings, Moons; and the Cows that fly over them, and something with dishes, spoons?))

I don't know. What I do know is my dick sure sat up at attention quickly, when i saw her the very first time... I had always told myself that if i ever met a girl, who got me steel hard instantly, just by a hot look, somehow she would be mine; i just hadn't figured that "how part" out just yet, but gimme a minute, and I'll have to, yep, she's THAT HOT!!

My girl, strode and strutted her long, perfectly tightly toned legs, horrendously and hideously high backed hide and bubble butted sculpted and SlenderToned ((Trademarked, Copyrighted, Inc'd, LLC'd, and finally Co'd; ((NO!! NOT CoVid; no, like Company, office or swingers club. Like that, but, maybe a little different than mine!!))

My peepers landed on her sweet, beautiful face, with all that flowing, soft silky, shimmering, wavy and blowing and flipping, flappping, flopping and popping, whipper whapper, popper, copper, robber stopper, pee pad picker upper, knee buckler, tonsil tickler, Time Bandit Bebopper, Bank robber, FBI MOST WANTED POSTER- ER, er?? Grrrrr!! I was droolin' all over the place, just puttin the peepers on her!!

Old Lady is Nagging You Again, and STILL NOT GIVING YOU ANY SEX NOW? "Nuttin Honey, but hey, ya lazy bum, can ya grab me the leftover ice cream?? Thanks, Boo Sker Doh, and hurry it up, cause I'm in a huge, important rush right now to get away from you!!

Bye Bye Ta Ta Boorish Moore..... zZZzzzZzzZz Just be sure, after tying the Big Knot, that you don't let the Dish run away with the Spoon!! Just Fork her before it's too late, Bennie, Bro!!

**Ahem** ((Just a side note, one to myself, from Headquarters Myself, CEO, Owner/Operator/Independent Hack: Memo: To Myself.....

From now on, my old Lady and I will not lay down face to face together...and end up, after tossing and turning...."the Old Man is burning", "Ashes, Asses, we all Fall Down!!" Then, when we try to get back up again,...and the Dish ran away with the Slutty Spoon all over again!! Snargles!!

"Eyewitness News at Noon News Flash,

.....With Dirk Diggler, over the scene; in our very own Eye In The Sky Whipper-Whapper,-Whopper, Whelper-Shelter-Helper-Peter-PopperHopperNameDropper, Eyewitness 👀News Chopper 11 at 11!!!

Flooper, Flipper, Flubber, Rubber Baby Buggy Bomber; no story gets away, and we report it as we get it, and as Dirk sees it from up, over the scene of the fray, the Land of the Free and the Home of the Insanely Brave???"

Whipper Whapper, whooper, whopper peede podder, critchy cratch, pipper, popper, patch. "What have ya got for us tonight Dirk?" asked Stu in the Newsroom, back in the studios, of course!

"Weeeellll, Stu...." Dirk dragged out the intro to tonight's news bit episode, a Dirk Diggler, Investigative Reporter and Eye in the Sky Whipper Whopper News Chopper Pilot, Cameraman, and naturally, a Reporter too!!

"Our episode this evening has found us locating over Bremerton this evening, with a fairly large Police presence around a house we are just now coming up on..... let me edge my whipper whopper news chopper over just a little more, and you should be able to see the great commotion;

....the large presence of Police arriving on scene here in Navy Yard City!! I can't quite make out from this vantage point exactly what it is that such a large contingent of a Police presence would be necessary, but i am going to continue to circle around and down a ways to see if i can figure out what's going on down there...

....on what's called Yantic Avenue.... are my instruments correct in calling the house they are staying at, is indeed 420?!?! Is that right Stu??" he asked from high above everyone down below crawling everywhere but loose, looking like little tiny ants!!

**Oh-Hoe!!Ho! Ho! i found out that if you spoon your old lady face to face when you lay in da sheets, and she wants to snuggle, but she tosses and turns, wiggles and giggles, then twerks her massive bubble butt all "o're yore dicke"....

.....getting you all teased up all night, when you wake up first, and figure out that that dream you had last night of very warm, gentle tropical breezes washing over your lower body during the night was actually YOUR girl, ya lucky stud, ya....

.....keeping you warm by burying her face in your crotch, and the gentle breeze down there kinda turned you on.

Only prob is next morning, she's getting the wrong idea, when you wake up with wood in her face, as the daylight breaks; and she wakes up realizing that it was NOT Dirk Digger's Extra Long Big Boomer Microphone Extender Story Getter Done thingy, but rather your sweaty, humid, wet, gross, smelly, willie was all hard and mean looking, and almost in her MOUTH!!

(( And that's before good ole Grumpy Bear in the Morning is Worse without that first ciggarette butt hanging from her lip.... That's a FOUR ALARMER BABY!! Yeah, YEAH!! Oh, yeah. Crap. OK. SEE YA!!))

Outta there like a shot. Like a bat outta Hell!! Runnin the roads on our Iron Horses, me, Benny and his Bitch Dajets!! Lookin to just ride hellbent for leather, rainin Hellfire, Death and Destruction!! Either that, or cruise around on our Hogs, going Yard Salin'...... ((Dajets likes that shit!!))

One time, we were out, doing just that....pleasin' Dejets again....toolin' down the Hannegan Road passing through Lynden; on our way up to the Canuck border; and just past "The Rusty Wagon Steak House and Restaurant"; we saw this crazy looking guy, right up next to the road, all acting weird, wiggling around, holding up two small signs, made out of small rectangles of cardboard, with writing on both of them!!

The guy was dancing around like a nutjob, and "flipping" these two cardboard signs at the passing traffic. You know, like those kids do on corners everywhere, with those big arrows, that they flip and toss and fling around?? This guy was doing the same thing, just with two smaller pieces of cardboard!!

As we rode past this dancing nut, he would flip and flash flip the cardboard signs at the traffic rolling past a driveway entrance.... this guy was pointing to, and yelling at the cars and trucks, and us, shouting: "Stop in at the Nation's Best, the SUPER COOL YARD SALE!!

HEY YOU!! RIGHT THERE, CUMMON BACK!! YOU MISSING THE SUPER COOL YAAAARD SALE!! The girls laughing, took off, roaring away, only to come back a little later, ending up buying $200.00 of prime Super Cool Yard Sale junk from the Momma, who ran the ever filling parking lot, and the rest of the Super Cool Yard Sale sales!

There was a lot of that, with cars, bikes, trucks, vans, buses, taxi's and bicycles everywhere, I'm surprised there aren't more people run over and smooshed, as they are all tying to ride, drive and die;

....just to get to a small pinch point, between two buildings, where the weaker of the crowd stuffing themselves through the narrow crack, were getting "smooshed", as they lose their footing in the mad dashing crowd, all smooshing through that narrow gap!!

That gap is almost as wide as the gap between my new girlfriends thighs, when she's standing around with her thighs gapped by her huge cameltoe, which any fool with eyes can see from miles away!! And her matching porno star size tits to go with the looooonnngg legs, the cameltoe, the bubble butt that jiggles when she struts...

Those massive boobies swaying gently, intoxicatingly, mesmerizingly and ((in her case)) "hip" naughty entracing the noobs with her boobs!! As her old man, i gotta stay on point on this one; I cant afford to drop the ball! Ever! Or I'm DONE!!

As we motored past the wild eyed guy, hopping and jumping around, he stared right through us, and flipped the signs our way. Super Cool and Yard Sale were each on one little sign, and the guy was hollerin' loud enough for us to hear over the engines!!

"Hey, Bikers!! Got bike parts at the One and Only Suuuuuper Coooool Yaaaard Saaaale!!" Then he hopped off to yell at another passing car; something about having some Super Cool Adult Toys for sale, or sumtin'.... but Benny locked up his brakes, and nearly threw Dejets off her Queen Seat! The goofball!!

I nearly plowed into the idiot, and then nearly ran over Dejets, now rolling down the breakdown lane of the Hannegan Rd there! Benny says he likes 'em only if they know (1)how to tuck and roll..... he says Fuck and Roll, the big kidder....

.....and (2} the bitch BETTER know to ALWAYS keep her feet on the riders pegs in the back, NO MATTER WHAT!! Who wants a peg leg girlfriend for a biker back seater anyway, he says!! What a friggin jokester my buddy is!! Ha ha ha ha ha!!

Anyhoo, we checked out the Super Cool Yard Sale, and I must admit, they had more crap at that little cabin in the woods there, than a wholesaler at a flea market has DVDs!! ((They had those too, at the Super Cool Yard Sale!!)) And bullets!!

After patching up Dajets road rash injuries, and spending about $200 ourselves.... we decided to try out that Rusty Wagon restaurant right down the stet, and so we did. Right past the Super Cool Yard Sale guy again...

We unloaded everything, and piled into a booth when my world was flipped upside down in a heart beat!! Why me?? Why did I have to choose this place to stop? Why did she have to be there, just to flip me on my head??

Cause it's the way things work for me, always!! If there's a way to screw up a wet dream, I will somehow find it!! Seriously!! Schleprock Surecock ain't got nothing on me!!

Especially when I'm lookin' at just how much that SWING is on that Porch of a rear end of that swayin' sashayin' smoking hot woman that i am head over heels about; is lookin' to me, as she comes rolling to a stop at our booth!

Dejets smacks Benny on the head, when my heart is ripping my shirt apart beating so hard, and she catches Benny ogling at her humongous boobs busting out from her straining halter top. They jiggle in just the cutest way, as my Goddess speaks!!

The long legged woman, dazzling me with her legs that somehow hold up that HUGE BUBBLE BUTT stuffed into those sprayed on daisy dukes... looks down, over top of the massive mamms, pops a bubble in her gum, and smiles.

"Whatcha havin' today, strangers?" she asks with a sneering smile.....suddenly, she swings all of her huge top parts in my direction, and stares right into my Soul!! "See anything you like, Honey??" she moans in my ear.....

"Uhhhhh. Dabba dabba dabba dooka luba" is all i can sputter back in the bombshell's direction. "Cum again, Sugah??" she coos, moving somehow closer....

"Ba-ba-ba BACON!" I manage to stutter out. She blinks her ultra long lashes, and giggles. "Some Budweiser beer to go with that too, right tweedledums??" she whispers again, hot breath in my now wet ear!!

"Clambake!!" I yell, as other customers turn, then sadly, slowly shake their heads, knowing all to well the outcome of our ships crossing in the night will be; they've seen it before.

Always a car crash, mixed with a train wreck, hit immediately by a plane crash, blown apart by a twister that tears right through all of the crashing smashing shit! "Sky High Moose Pie" I yell out next, nearly outta my mind with the "sense" of her!!

My God!! What must it be like to bang this chick, if she was SO overwhelming just bending over your shoulder, and getting your ear all wet breathing and whispering crap in your ear, while you try to breathe!

They know all too well the Black Widow has trapped yet another fly to suck dry, and cocoon for later. Its just that the fly doesn't know it yet, but it will. Yep. Trapped. Webbed. Sucked. Cooned. Done. See ya!!

Bennie and Dejets musta thought so too, but they knew better than to say anything. What can you say to the ocean, as the tide rolls in?? No? Stop? Go no further?? Ha! No way buddy! All I could do was sit there, frantically trying to think about how to speak English in full fluent sentences again, and before she came back!

If only I had come to my senses, or maybe if I had thought more with my big head, than the only just slightly smaller one down in my pants! If only the fly SAW the Black Widow, as she was gorging on her last "victim", maybe I would not have been so webbed, and bled, and stuff. But that's not the way it ended, no sir. Not by a long shot!

So there we sat. Benny, rubbing his head where Dejets had smacked him, and she still glaring daggers at him, and me ((cause I brought 'em here with me, see??)) and me; trying to recall how to talk, exactly. Quick like, before the Goddess returned and then fled again...

Yep. Buzz all ya want to fly, but your stuck, like a stick in the mud. Like super glue ((from the Super Cool Yard Sale!!)) to your fingers, but nothing else. Like a fly, stuck in a Black Widows web!!

As she approached us once again with a huge steaming platter piled mountainously high with pig stomach strips, another platter of clams, and a huge pitcher of beer... a smile crossed the flys' face. Aha! he thought......I got it! He smiled, thinking that he had won, he was smarter than she was, and was just about as good as already inside his pants, her mouth and tongue wrapped around his cock already.

He couldn't have been more wrong..... but that's for the next chapter of this tale...said the Black Widow to the fly!! Right before she snipped off his fly wings and cocooned him solidly. She did this by setting down the weird mountains of food goof nuts had ordered, and that surprisingly, the Rusty Wagon had on hand to serve to him, as we had requested from our Goddess server, the one and only Black Widow......