Author's Notes:
In Part 4 Ben gets a little help from his friends... and more than a little loving.
All characters engaging in sexual relationships or activities are 18 years old or older.
********
Chapter 15
Ben sat in his living room with tears slowly rolling down his cheeks. Hannah sat on the ottoman in front of him. When she'd arrived first thing in the morning, he'd been a little surprised. He'd let her in and took her coat. As he turned back, her open palm caught him on the cheek. It wasn't a particularly hard slap, but it rang his head as he'd been completely unprepared. Once he regained stability, she stepped forward and hugged him fiercely, calling him her hero. His whole body locked up until she stepped back.
"Ben, which of those two things hurt the most?" Hannah said with compassion in her eyes.
The question was so odd he froze and actually thought about it. The slap had been a surprise, but the hug and praise had a far more uncomfortable impact on his body.
He stared at Hannah. "The hug."
"You see how backward that is, right?" she asked hopefully.
He nodded, and she led him into the living room to sit on the couch. She pulled up the ottoman directly in front of him. He had tears in his eyes as she sat before her friend.
"Ben, I spoke with a large and concerned group of your friends last night. We can all see you're hurting. The pain's source isn't quite clear, but I think I can make a few educated guesses. Much of your past is still unknown to us, but from what we've pieced together, we see that you don't believe you're worthy of being loved. You did an amazing job of bringing Beth back to her vivacious self by showing her what a fun, wonderful, and loving person she is. You helped me by reminding me I was a loving person who had so much to offer and deserved to be loved. Yet, you continue to fail to take that same message into your own heart. I don't know what experiences you had in your life that made you believe you shouldn't or couldn't have love, but that belief is wrong. Everyone deserves love. You deserve love, and people
do
love you. You just have to be willing to accept it." She squeezed his hands and looked into his eyes to emphasize the point.
"We want you to speak to someone with training in dealing with these kinds of self-esteem issues. We see your value. Now it's your turn. Will you do that?" Hannah asked gently.
Ben nodded, not trusting himself to speak.
"I will make arrangements today, and I'll bring you the appointment information, the place, time, and name of the counselor you'll speak with. All right?"
He nodded again.
"We want you to be happy, Ben. You deserve to be happy. We'll check in with you every now and then and see how you are doing. To remind you that you have friends that love you," she said to him as she watched his tears slide down his cheeks. She was worried about the man. She didn't feel she should leave him alone. It was too soon to subject him to Tina, but she knew Gabriella was taking some time off.
"Ben, I'm going to call someone to sit with you today. I think you need the company," Hannah said firmly, and he didn't argue, which made her even more convinced she was correct. She dialed the number, and Gabriella picked up on the first ring.
"Hi, could you sit with our friend today?" Hannah asked.
"I'll be right over."
Hannah put away her phone and patted Ben's knee.
"I'm sorry," Ben said, his voice deep and gravelly.
"Ben, you have nothing to be sorry for. Whatever got you to where you are now, please know you are surrounded by people who love you and want to help. The only way that could have happened was because you are worthy of it. You reap what you sow," Hannah replied.
The doorbell rang, and Hannah got up and answered it.
Gabriella stepped inside with a look of concern on her face.
Hannah leaned in close and spoke quietly. "Ben has agreed to see a counselor, but he's pretty shaky this morning. He needs someone to keep an eye on him. See if you can get him to talk. I have to go to the hospital as I have a board of directors meeting at ten."
Gabriella nodded as she slipped her coat and boots off. She had on Ben's black knit sweater and black yoga pants. The warm pullover was long on her and reached just below her bottom. She wore it for comfort when she was at home.
Hannah poked her head around the corner and looked in on Ben, who was still on the couch. "I'm heading off to work now, Ben. I'll see you later with the details I promised. Gabriella is going to spend some time with you, okay?"
Ben nodded and gave her a small smile.
With that and a look at Gabriella, Hannah headed out.
Gabriella locked up and walked into the living room.
"Hi Ben!" she said and saw Ben straighten up his posture on the couch.
"Hello Gabriella, how was your trip?" he asked.
She smiled at him and saw his eyes light up just a little. Her heart made a slight zing sensation when she saw that. "It was lovely! Have you ever been to Europe?"
"No, I've never traveled anywhere," he said, thinking about the trip to Hawaii he'd planned for Wendy.
"I highly recommend you plan a trip somewhere and someplace in Europe should be one of your first destinations. France, Spain, Germany, Italy, and England are all excellent first-trip candidates. Traveling broadens your perspective and gives you a real insight into different ways of living and the people who live there," she sighed. "You can take a group tour or travel with someone who has experience in the place you choose and can act as a guide."
"I'd like that," Ben said. "Maybe, I will."
She smiled at him, and he smiled a little back at her.
"So I hear you've agreed to speak to someone," Gabriella said gently.
"Yes," he said nervously.
"I think that's a brave and smart move, Ben. It will help a lot!" she said, smiling.
"I've never talked to anyone about my past. I-I feel uncomfortable about telling... a stranger... personal things about me," Ben fidgeted.
"The counselor keeps anything you say to them in strictest confidence. You can say anything to them. It should feel easier to open up to them," she explained.
"The only time I've felt comfortable talking about me was with you and Catherine... and... I don't know why," he said, looking down at his hands with a confused look on his face.
Gabriella looked at him. He really didn't see that they loved him or even could. That hurt her a little, and it must have shown on her face as Ben noticed.
"What's wrong?" he asked.
"Nothing Ben, it's fine," she said and forced a smile onto her face. She hoped that after his sessions with the counselor, he'd be more receptive to their love.
"This is why I'm going to see this counselor. I can't seem to stop hurting people I care about!" he growled at himself.
"No, Ben, you're going to see the counselor to find out why you feel you're not worthy of being loved. To find out what events in your past led you to that conclusion. Those of us who love you, who are
in love
with you, feel pain when we see you hurting because of your misconceptions. But you shouldn't worry about our pain because healing yourself will eliminate ours."
"In love?" he whispered.
"Yes, you silly man! You have a few women in love with you, and they accept the fact that others are in love with you. Something else you need to understand is that love CAN work that way." Gabriella smiled and shook her head. "I wasn't supposed to be here as your counselor, just a friend. What else would you like to talk about?"
He'd only had bad experiences with people who said that they loved him, Wendy being only the most recent. These experiences went back... a long way. He looked at Gabriella's open and friendly expression. He wished she
was
his counselor, but then he'd feel wrong about burdening her with his baggage. Maybe he should do some groundwork to prepare for his sessions with the counselor.
"What is love?" he asked her.
Gabriella snorted gently in surprise.
"I mean, what does love mean to you? I've been
in love
a few times in my life, and it's never worked out for me, so maybe if I could hear what love means to others, I could see what I've done wrong," he amended quickly.
"Why do you think you're the one who did something wrong?" she asked. "You weren't alone in these relationships, were you?"
Ben blinked at her, and she smiled.
"When I met Daniel at university, I was smitten. He was young and dashing and so in charge of his future. I came from an impoverished family, and I found his confidence with money and finance very attractive. He also said the right things to me and made me feel important. I was completely dazzled. He played the courting game very well. That doesn't mean I was faultless in the eventual state of our marriage. I put Daniel up on a pedestal. My expectations of him didn't match reality. When I discovered that, I tried to work with him to recapture what made me fall in love with him, but some of that never existed outside of my mind, and his passions had moved on from me to money. He had no desire to change anything as he had what he wanted. Instead of leaving Daniel, who genuinely loved his children, I gave up on finding happiness for myself, so my children would have a stable home."
"I'm sorry," Ben said.
"My point in all that was that the two young people we were when we met at university weren't honest with each other. We let our expectations and desires cloud our decisions. During courting, people always present their best attributes and hide the negative. That's human nature, I suppose. But we should have taken more time to get to know the real people we were before deciding to get married. I don't regret having my two wonderful children. There are other things I do regret, but now I get to start over."
"To find happiness," he said
"Yes, Ben. I'm going to find happiness!" she smiled at him.
"OK, so maybe I'm not solely to blame for the failures of my relationships. But maybe my expectations are interfering with my ability to sustain a healthy relationship."
"List them," Gabriella said.
