It wasn't until 2 a.m. that it occurred to Monica that it was getting late and she should be going home. It had been another night of effortless conversation and lots of laughs with her closest friend Gabriel. She had arrived around 6 and they went out for dinner, then came back to his house for more drinks and time together. He played around with his guitar for a while, singing to her bits and pieces of new songs he was working on. But for the last several hours, they had been sitting on the couch just talking. Other times he entertained her with stories of his many romantic conquests (which followed being broken-hearted by his last girlfriend) but not tonight--he seemed calmer, more subdued. Maybe he has gotten it out of his system, Monica thought.
That she had been hopelessly infatuated with him ever since they met almost five years ago is her secret, not to be shared with anyone for fear it would destroy their friendship. Gabriel relied on Monica , she was the first he would call when feeling happy or sad. And she liked being in this special position, being such an important part of his life, even though she knew he would never love her. Soon he would find another serious relationship--but she told herself she would deal with that then. She used to read into his words and gestures, smiles and jokes, looking for signs that he shared her feelings. At some point it had become too painful and she stopped. She held him in her arms the night his ex left him, stood by his side as he went out into the world and found an endless number of women to sleep with (he was after all extremely gorgeous and famous), shared herself with him as much as she could without revealing the secret. It was a great friendship they had.
So when Monica thought she saw a longing look in his eyes as he sensed she was getting ready to leave, she ignored it. She grabbed her coat and thought she heard him sigh but ignored that too.
"It's late, I need to go" she said to Gabriel.
He got up and followed her across the room to the door. She gave him a kiss on his cheek as she usually did.
"I don't want you to leave" he said looking in her eyes.
Puzzled, Monica just stared at him. He leaned into her and would have kissed her at that moment were it not for her hand on his chest, which she raised in surprise and pushed against him.
"Gabriel, what are you doing?" she asked.
He took a few steps back and leaned against the wall.
"I think we're supposed to be together, Monica. I think I just figured this out. Don't you want to stay?"
Monica hesitated, for though this is a moment she had wished for, now that it was here it scared her and she couldn't trust it.
"Seriously, Gabriel, why now? I think you're drunk and lonely and I happen to be here, but I don't want to do this. I can't." She tried to sound more convincing than she felt.
There was silence.
"Be honest Monica, is this not something you've ever wanted?"
She evaded his eyes and didn't answer, but could feel that she was blushing.
"Look at me", he asked.
So she did and in that moment she realized he knew. Had he always known? Feeling exposed and vulnerable and even a little angry, she shook her head.
"No, I'm leaving now. This isn't fair. You're gonna wake up tomorrow morning and feel like a fool."
"I'm sorry" he managed to say before she opened the door and walked out.
On the way home, Monica felt everything: anxious and excited (maybe he really wants her), angry (he's just looking to get laid), scared (will everything be different now), embarrassed (her secret was out), and sad (wishing she could have him). But no matter how many things she felt and thought, life goes on and soon she was home and in her own bed, with the evening's events behind her.
The next morning she was surprised to get a call at 9, even more surprised when she saw it was Gabriel. Waking up early was not his strong suit, especially after such a long night. She picked up the phone sleepily--it had been a restless night.
"Monica, did I wake you?'
"No, it's okay, what's up?"
"I wonder if we could get together a bit later, maybe you could come over around 4?"
This was not an unusual request, they often saw each other day after day, but his tone seemed strangely formal. Still, Monica thought, maybe it's my imagination--maybe he doesn't even remember all of last night.
"Okay, sure, I'll see you then. What are we doing?"
"I'm not sure, just come over, okay?"
"Okay then" and she hung up.
Further sleep was out of the question as she spent the next few hours anxiously anticipating 4 o'clock and wondering what Gabriel was up to. She hated herself for trying on five different outfits--she used to do this a lot but had stopped a long time ago when it became clear to her that Gabriel was oblivious. She hated hoping that last night meant something had changed. She chose a silk black and olive summer dress and black sandals. Her long wavy red hair and green eyes complimented her pale skin and the colors of her dress. Berry red lipstick accentuated her lips. Finally the hour came and she arrived back at Gabriel's house.
The first thing she noticed is that he had cleaned up, and she remembered how much she loved his house, like him, from the first time she saw it. His living room was bright and full of comfy furniture (the rocking chair was her favorite), and the French doors were open onto the deck, from which there was a beautiful view of the beach. She had stopped ringing the door bell long ago, so she walked in and saw him standing outside, leaning over the railing and looking out. He turned around when he heard her greeting and smiled. Somehow, as gorgeous as she always found him, today he was even more so. Casually dressed in cargo pants and a light blue T-shirt, no shoes, his brown eyes shone bright, his dark hair slightly disheveled by the warm summer wind, and his body tall and toned, betraying his Spanish lineage in its darker color.
"Hello, sweet Monica" Gabriel said smiling. He often greeted her in this way but it embarrassed her today. "You look so beautiful today" he went on. Monica smiled back.
"Hi Gabriel". She put her purse on the table and walked up to him. "How are you?"
"Better now that you are here" he said still smiling. Monica wasn't sure how to react. Everything felt different but at the same time she wanted to act as matter of fact as possible.
"How did you sleep?" he asked her.
"Not very well" she admitted.
"Me neither".
There was a long pause and so that she would have something to do, Monica leaned over the railing looking at the ocean.
"This view never gets old" she said.
"It's true" Gabriel replied though he still had his back towards the beach and was only looking at her. He put his hand on her left arm and said, "Let's go sit, we need to talk".
In that moment Monica knew that whatever would come next, there was no pretending that last night didn't happen. It was clearly on his mind. They walked the few steps and sat down at the table. Gabriel pulled his chair close to her so that their knees were almost touching. Monica felt self-conscious about her dress, which short standing up was even shorter now that she was sitting. She sat back in the chair as much as she could and crossed her legs quickly.
"First of all, I wanted to say that I'm really sorry about last night" Gabriel started. "I did have too much to drink and acted like an idiot".
Monica accepted his apology with a nod but inside she felt devastated. Despite her better judgment, she realized that she had allowed herself to hope that he wanted to be with her, not for sex but for something more. She felt ridiculous, of course he didn't, if he had wanted to be with her he would have done something during the past five years. This is where he tells me he feels bad for leading me on and sorry for me because I have a crush on him, she thought.
She realized he was watching her and did her best to hide her disappointment.
"Let's just forget about it Gabriel" she said.
"No, I don't think we can do that" he replied. "I was nervous and drunk and so acted badly but it wasn't an accident".
"Nervous?" Monica asked.
Gabriel sighed and leaned back in his chair.
"Do you remember when we were out last night and I left you at the bar to go talk to James?"
"Of course," Monica said. James was Gabriel's producer on the album he was working on.
"He made a comment when we were talking about how good you looked. And after he left, I watched you for a little while" Gabriel continued. "You were sitting there with your back half-turned and talking to the girl next to you. And I felt like I was seeing you for the first time. It was overwhelming. At that moment you were the most beautiful woman I had ever seen" Gabriel finished.
