Chapter 4
Revelation
I had just reached the entrance to the kitchen when David burst from the stairwell and shouted at me, "ROSALINE! Stop right there!" I had never heard him talk to me that way before and the shock of it made me freeze in my tracks. "I will not let you leave me again, not like this. You will talk to me."
"You can't keep me here." I said bravely, raising my chin, my jaw stubbornly set. He stalked toward me, a steely glint in his eye and I had to fight my natural instinct to run like prey before a hunter.
"No? You don't think so? Go ahead and try me." He stopped right before me, glaring down into my face and I had the sudden urge to giggle at his hopeless attempt to be hard and cold to me.
"What's so funny?" and just like that, my sweet David was back.
"'Try me'? Did you just say 'try me'? What are you going to do, spank me?" his eyes widened.
"Now there's a novel idea, let's do that." He bent at the waist and thrust a shoulder into my stomach, upending me over his shoulder. I gave a small 'oof' as the air was pushed from my lungs, my feet kicking in protest beneath his strong arm, while my eyes drank in the sight of his shapely ass.
"David! What are you doing, put me down right now!"
"Shush, or you'll wake the kids." He swatted my upturned behind with an open palm and I gasped. It actually stung! How dare he! He marched back the way we came, carrying me as easily as if I were nothing more than a blanket draped over his shoulder, but he didn't take me back downstairs. Instead he stepped through the right hand door and into his office, shutting the door behind him. He flipped on a switch, turning on soft recessed lighting. He finally released me, and I slid the full length of his body, feeling every bulge and press of muscle on my way down.
"I can't believe you just did that."
"Yeah, well, you didn't give me much of a choice did you? You can't leave yet, Rosaline, you just can't. If you left now..." he ducked his head, hiding his face for a moment. "I don't know if I could handle you leaving like that again. You left that exact way the last time, remember? My last image of you in that Frankfurt airport was of you running away from me."
"You left out that you were the reason I was in that airport. I didn't ask to leave." I said, feeling more than a little defensive.
"I know, I know," he said gently, raising his hands in supplication. "But you didn't talk to me either about what was going on with you, which is one of the reasons why I sent you back home. Am I right?" I bit my lip, still feeling defiant, but unable to meet his eyes in the face of my guilt.
"Hey," he gripped my chin and forced me to look up at him. "I need you to hear me loud and clear; I can't take that again, you leaving without fucking talking to me. Please talk to me." The look in his eyes sobered me and I gave in, angry with myself. He was right, I couldn't leave like this. It wouldn't be fair to him. I knew I was too much of a chicken shit that even if I said I'd call, the thought of confronting painful feelings would make me chicken out and I wouldn't, just like fifteen years ago. I would hide rather than get things out in the open. I owed him an explanation, if not for why I wanted to leave now, then to make up for how I left things fifteen years ago.
My shoulders sagged and the fight went out of me. Seeing this, he led me to a plush wingback leather armchair in the far corner of the room. I marveled for a moment at the opulence, stroking the supple leather and breathing in the smell of the books stacked on the shelves behind me. He sat on the footstool, spreading his legs and resting his knees against either side of the chair, trapping my legs between his. We clasped hands and naturally leaned toward one another until our foreheads touched, breathing in each other's scent. All of this had a calming effect on me, steadying my nerves. He pulled back and looked in my eyes. His brilliant blue eyes were glowing in the soft light, earnest and pleading.
"Now, tell me why you ran away."
"Ok, ok... I guess I was feeling..." I searched for the right word, "um... overwhelmed."
"With what? Jocelyn?" I nodded my head. "Ok, then let's break this down and take a look at this one piece at a time. What part overwhelmed you? Her outlook on sexuality?" I shook my head.
"No, but that is a lot to take." I looked at him shrewdly, "David, you know what was overwhelming," I said firmly.
"Yes, I do know, but part of this thing, part of us being together again, if it's going to work, is that we have to actually say the things that are bothering us out loud." I sighed, even though he was right, it was still hard to do. I was raised to keep hurt feelings bottled up, to smile in the face of pain even though my heart was breaking. David took mercy on me, however, understanding this about me and didn't force me.
"Ok, let me ask you something specific then if it's so hard for you; did you like it? I mean, it looked like you liked it from where I was standing. Did you cum?" I nodded my head. "I see. I think I know what's going on here, what you're feeling."
"You do?"
"Yeah, I mean, we grew up in the same religion, went to the same church on Sundays, listened to the same talks from the Bishop, our parents raised us with the same set of scriptures that not only were read to us each family-home evening, but were also forced to study every morning during seminary school before going to actual school.
"I know you're feeling ashamed and guilty for finding pleasure with a woman, am I right?" I nodded again, biting my lip. David chuckled and squeezed my hands.
"Oh, Rosie, you're too adorable for words."
"Don't make fun of me."
"I'm not making fun, I'm sorry, it's just, I understand exactly what you're going through and I find it so sweet."
"Um, in case you didn't know this David, you're a man, and I'm not, so... how could you know exactly what I'm going through?" I dipped my head, feeling a little mocked no matter how sweet or adorable he said I was.
"Because I had all those same hateful feelings of shame and guilt the first time I was with another man." My head shot up and I stared at him.
"What?" It was his turn to nod his head and he smirked at my incredulity. "No way, there is just no way that's true."
"Why? Why can't it be true?"
"Because.... Uh, because... well, you're you." David laughed.
"Thank you, I think?" He smiled gently down at me. "Jocelyn and I have been with other couples, I think she told you that, right?" I nodded. "Well, we would pair off sometimes, she with the other husband, and I with the other wife, and once with a very close couple we know, she paired off with the other wife and I with the other husband.
"That first time with a man was really hard for me, just like it's hard for you now, because I was fighting all of that crap our parents and their religion taught me about how love is sacred and only between a man and a woman, but Rosie, what Jocelyn said was true.
"Sexuality is based on what society tells us, it's based on what our bodies want and need. We shouldn't fight what feels right to us just because we fear reprisal from our parents or the society in which we live. As long as we are safe, of course. I'm not advocating rape or pedophilia or that shit; that kind of sexuality is ruled and governed by a diseased mind, not by the body's sexuality." I nodded my head in agreement to that, at least.
"All I'm trying to say is that God would not want us to hate who we are for any reason, especially for who we love with our mature, healthy mind and bodies, which, in His eyes, are our most sacred temples. That is not what God is about. That's not what my God is about any way."
This was a lot to take in and process. David with another man? It was forcing me to acknowledge the span of time between the David I used to know and love and this David in front of me. I did still love him, no question about that, but there were new things to discover and learn about him, about who he was as a person now, and this was the first time I began to really understand that. I felt a keen sense of loss all of a sudden, for the years spent apart, and I wanted more than anything to learn everything I could about him and those missing fifteen years.
"What was it like for you? Being with another man?" What I really wanted to ask was 'what kinds of things did you do?', but I wasn't brave enough. David smiled and sat back, looking at me in that 'I see through you' way and I knew he knew what I hadn't asked.
"It was scary, at first, like I said, but then... when I let go, when I just allowed myself to listen to what my body liked and what my body wanted, getting out of my head... it was not bad."
"Meaning not good, right?" I asked with a hint of smirk that I just couldn't keep from creeping into my voice.
"No, that's not what I meant, miss sassy pants." He tapped me on my nose with one of his long index fingers in mock scolding and I couldn't help but giggle despite the still-present feelings of shame and guilt. David could just do that for me, make me smile and laugh no matter what I was feeling.
