The Red Pill

In the typical manner of all red-blooded American males, the two young men greeted each other with a half hug and a hard clap on the back.

"Damn, bro, it's good to see you!" said Deke.

"Likewise," said Robert, stepping back. "Looking good, man. How's it going for you up there at the university?"

"Pretty fucking sweet," said Deke. "I'm still warming a bench most games but Coach is talking of putting me in for the game next month. No complaints there, it's my first year and I've still got a lot to learn. But holy shit, you should see the chicks up there on campus. Hot!"

"Oh yeah?"

"Man, I'll be honest with you," said Deke, favoring the younger man with a sly wink, "I've been getting more pussy than a toilet seat lately."

"Oh awesome," said Robert with a faltering smile.

"What about you, brother? You're a senior now. I bet you're scoring right and left too."

"Well..." said Robert, "actually not so much."

"What? Why?" asked Deke, easing his lanky body onto the hood of the family station wagon.

"Well," said Robert, unable to meet his friend's gaze, "I don't know what's going on, actually. Like for instance I met this girl last week at a dance. Everything seemed like it was going real good. Got her phone number and everything. Called her the next day to ask her out and she gave me the cold shoulder. Acted like she didn't even know me."

"Ah, a flake," said Deke. "Probably your bridge wasn't good enough."

"Huh?"

"Damn, man, didn't you read those books I sent you?"

Robert said nothing. The screen door squealed on its hinges and Robert's mother stepped out onto the carport. "Oh hello Deke," she said. "So nice to see you. How are things up at the university?"

"Pretty good, Mrs. Dickson," said Deke, hopping to his feet. "Coach says he's gonna let me start in the game next week."

"Well that's wonderful," said Robert's mother. "Didn't expect to see you back so soon from the university. Thought you'd be too busy with your studies."

"Well ma'am," said Deke, "actually I wasn't expecting to come back home so soon either. But it's my aunt, you see. She's in the hospital."

"Oh dear," said Robert's mother. "Is she okay?"

"Hard to say," said Deke. "Some kind of weird virus or something. I'm going to go check on here now but I just dropped by to see Robert while I was in town."

"Well tell her I hope she has a speedy recovery," said Mrs. Dickson.

"Thank you, ma'am. I will," said Deke.

"Well I'll leave you two boys alone to catch up," said Robert's mother. "Good to see you again Deke. And give your family all the best." And with that, she headed back inside the house.

"Jeez, is your aunt gonna be okay?" asked Robert.

"Dunno," said Deke. "But the way my dad was telling me, it sounded pretty serious. Anyway, I am gonna head over there to the hospital now. But I think I can help you out with your girl problem. You got some free time this afternoon?"

"Yeah, definitely," said Robert.

"Okay, I'll swing by around three. Then we can go sarging," said Deke, getting his keys out of his pocket.

"Sarging?" asked Robert.

Deke laughed. "There's lots to teach you, little brother. Sarging means going out and cruising for girls. It's a slang term from those books I sent ya."

"Ah," said Robert, now wishing he had read the huge stack of literature Deke had sent him about picking up girls. But really, it had all seemed like too much work to plow through so much material. And anyway, how could some dumb book teach you how to pick up girls?

"Oh," said Deke, "one more thing. You still got those binoculars from your Boy Scout days?"

"Yeah, sure, I think so. Probably buried somewhere in my closet."

"Bring 'em with you," said Deke, sliding into the driver's seat of his van. "You'll need 'em."

"What for?" asked Robert, but got no reply as Deke gunned the motor and pulled out of the driveway, waving out the window as he sped off.

---

Robert opened the passenger door and slid in. "Damn, man, when did you get to be so punctual?"

"Coach insists on it," said Deke with a grin as they began to drive.

"Good to be back in the old Green Machine," said Robert, patting the dashboard affectionately.

"Yeah she's running great," said Deke. "Okay, where to, champ?"

"I don't know," said Robert. "I don't know what we're doing."

"I told you," said Deke. "We're going out sarging! I'm gonna teach you how to pick up girls, close and personal. So where around here do you think is prime hunting ground?"

"I don't know. A bar or something?"

"Naw, man, come on, think!" said Deke. "The only women in a bar at three in the afternoon are gonna be some old lushes. Come on, think! Where are all the cute girls hanging out around here on a beautiful Friday afternoon?"

"A coffee shop?" said Robert tentatively.

"Perfect," said Deke. He named a local coffee shop. "That work for you?"

"I guess," said Robert with a shrug.

"Okay, it's important to remember that you picked the place," said Deke imperiously. "You're gonna see me work my magic and I want to make sure that you know it's not a set-up or something."

Robert nodded his assent and a few minutes later they pulled into the parking lot of a local strip mall. Deke put his van in park and then took out a tin of mints, popping one on his mouth. The two young men walked into the coffee shop, the door gently clanging as they made their way inside.

"Okay, coffee's on me," said Deke, pulling out his wallet. "Scholarship money's got me flush. Name your poison, brother."

"Hmm," said Robert, staring at the menu. "I'll have a mocha frappe with extra whipped cream," he said after a few moments.

"Jesus," chuckled Deke, "I'm not even sure a fairy drink like that even has coffee. But all right. Give me one of those, whatever he said and a red eye for me," he told the barista.

When the two of them had taken their drinks to a nearby table and sat down, Deke leaned in and spoke in a low voice. "Okay, here's how it's gonna work. I want you to scan around and pick out a hottie. When I say hottie, I mean a 10 out of 10. Don't waste my time with some chick who's kinda cute but is dressed ugly or some chick with big titties but kinda fat. No! Don't be obvious about it. Take your time. When you see a 10, I want you to say 'Red Rover'. That's the code word."

Robert nodded, a thrill running up and down his body. He looked at the barista. Yeah, she was kinda cute but she had mousy brown hair. He looked over at the customers and saw one girl, kinda good looking and wearing glasses, but something about her didn't quite ring his bell. Two other customers were sitting by the window but they both looked older. Good looking, with nice haircuts and expensive clothes, but too old for his taste. A teenybopper was lounging on a sofa, but she looked too young. "I don't see a 10," he said.

"Damn, man, I said take your time!" admonished Deke, taking a long swig of the bitter concoction in his cup.

Robert continued to scan around him, including at the customers walking past the coffee shop outside. The doorbell tinkled and a few more women came in, but none of them were 10's. He saw one girl he vaguely knew from high school but she wasn't quite a 10 either. She had a nice face but was dressed in baggy sweatpants. Deke would rib him good if he identified her as a 10. And then finally, he saw her.

She was walking on the sidewalk past the coffee shop, a gorgeous blonde with long hair. She was carrying a black jacket in her arm that was the same rich color as her painted-on jeans. He only got a flash of her from the front but her tight gray and black shirt left little to the imagination, her breasts evocatively jiggling and shifting as she walked. Bam, a perfect 10!

"Red Rover, Red Rover," said Robert, enthusiastically indicating with his thumb out the window at the blonde rapidly disappearing out of sight.

Deke flashed Robert his best shit-eating grin and downed the last of his coffee with a single gulp. "Okay brother, stay here. Watch and learn!" He then dashed out of the coffee shop and down the sidewalk after the blonde woman.

Robert craned his head, just barely able to see his friend approach the woman. She turned to look at Deke and the two of them began talking. Even from this distance, Robert could tell that she was one of the hottest women he had ever seen, way out of his league. He'd never have the guts to even talk to a woman like that. But Deke seemed to be in his element, relaxed and joking around.

Whatever he was saying to her seemed to be quite charming as Robert saw her tilt her head back and laugh, her long blonde hair flashing in the sun. After a few more minutes of flirtatious chatting, Deke took his phone out of his pocket. The blonde woman then fished her phone out of her purse.

Whoa, said Robert to himself, quite impressed. He remembered with dismay that it had taken him over an hour of fumbling, sweaty conversation last week to get the girl's phone number. Deke had needed less than five minutes. Amazing.

Deke said something else to the blonde angel, causing her to laugh. And then Deke turned and headed back towards the coffee shop, the blonde woman turning to continue on her way. Robert was abuzz with excitement, eager to pepper his friend on how he had gotten the digits so fast, but to his shock Deke did not come into the coffee shop. Instead, he turned and jogged after the blonde woman.

Deke said something to her and then took her by the hand. Together they looked both ways and then walked across to the parking lot and headed over to Deke's big green van. A moment later Deke had the door unlocked and the blonde woman climbed into the passenger seat. Robert craned his head and could just make out that Deke was now in the driver's seat.

But the van was too far away for him to be able to see much so Robert took out his binoculars. After a few moments to adjust them, he aligned the binoculars on his friend's bright green van. Deke's face, now larger than life, swam into view, flashing him a huge thumb's up. Robert grinned. And then, to his amazement, he saw the blonde woman lean over and put her head in Deke's lap. The up and down bobbing motion was unmistakable. Holy shit! She was giving him a blowjob. Robert knew he shouldn't keep watching but he kept the binoculars up to his eyes. How had Deke done it?

He was jolted out of his erotic reverie by the barista clearing her throat. "Are you some kind of pervert?" she asked in a hostile tone.

"Oh no, no," said Robert, lowering the binoculars, his face red. The barista cleared Deke's empty cup from the table and stalked away. Afraid to further embarrass himself, Robert kept the binoculars on the table and finished his mocha frappe in silence.

After about 10 minutes, the doorbell tinkled and Deke stepped in, a mile-wide grin on his face. He slid into the booth opposite Robert. "So brother, what do you think?"

"That was... amazing!" said Robert. "How in the world did you do that?"

"Shhh, trade secret," said Deke. "Come on, let's get out of here." The two men hopped up from the table and made their way across the parking lot to the van. Once both doors were closed, Robert could no longer contain his excitement.

"Holy shit, man, was she blowing you?" he asked.

"Yep, yep," said Deke nonchalantly, as if that kind of thing happened to him all the time.

"Man, I can barely get a girl to go on a date with me and you meet a super hottie and get her to blow you in less than 15 minutes. You got to tell me your secret!"

"Well," said Deke, "listen, you really should read the books I sent you. They're written by masters, guys who really know how to pick up chicks."

"So that's it?" asked Robert breathlessly. "If I read those books, I can get that kind of success too?"

"Well..." said Deke, looking uncomfortable. "Look, the books help, they really do. And there are videos too. All that helps a lot. But... well I really promised the guy I wouldn't tell anyone about this. But you're my little bro, right? And you can keep a secret."

"Hell yes," said Robert.

"Really, my advice is read the books and watch the videos," continued Deke in a stern voice. "It's hard work until you get the hang of it. But they really do work."

"Okay, okay," said Robert impatiently. "But what's your secret weapon?"

Instead of replying, Deke fished out a tin of mints from his pants pocket. Opening it, he showed Robert the contents. The front of the tin bore the label of a famous brand of mints but inside were three bright red pills.

"Pills?" said Robert incredulously. "Jesus man, are you drugging those chicks?"

"No, no, god no!" said Deke, snapping the tin shut. "Those pills aren't for the ladies, man. They're for me."

Robert's eyes widened in amazement. "Like some kind of Viagra thing?"

"No, no, no, it's, uh... it works in a different way," said Deke, putting the keys into the engine and starting the motor. For several minutes, he said nothing, concentrating only on driving. But as they got closer to Robert's home, he spoke up once more.

"Listen, I shouldn't be doing this but you're like the little brother I never had. The guy swore me to secrecy but I think I can trust you," said Deke.

"Guy? What guy?" said Robert.

"First off, the guy is crazy. He's an old vet and lives by himself, real character. Long story how I met him. But he knows all kinds of shit and he's the one who sold me these pills. They cost 500 bucks apiece," said Deke soberly.

"Fucking hell," said Robert.

"Yeah, they're expensive. But they work," said Deke, the grin returning to his face. "Damn skippy they work! So I tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna give you one."

"Whoa," said Robert.

"But before I do, I need to make sure you use it right. So tell me, you got any hot dates lined up? Or invitations to parties where some real hotties might show up?"

"Hmm," said Robert. "You remember Old Man Johnson's farm? Well I heard there's gonna be a party out there tonight. Some guys said they'll have a couple of kegs of beer and a bonfire. Should definitely be some girls."

"Man, I wish I could join you," said Deke as he swung his van into Robert's driveway. "But my aunt's worse off than I thought so I'm gonna go to the hospital tonight and keep my dad company."

"Oh bummer," said Robert. "I was hoping you were gonna show me more tricks on how to pick up girls."

"Wish I could, brother," said Deke, putting the van in park. "I really shouldn't be doing this but here you go," he said, opening the tin and handing one of the red pills to Robert. "These things are strong but you got to follow my instructions exactly."

"I promise I will," said Robert, carefully stashing the pill in his pants pocket.

"Okay," said Deke. "Wait until you're absolutely sure you've found the right girl. Don't waste it on anything less than a perfect 10. Second, it takes a few minutes for it to have any effect. And last but definitely not least, the pill only works for an hour. After that, you might as well be popping Vitamin C."

"Okay, okay," said Robert, nodding enthusiastically.

"And when I say an hour, I mean an hour exactly," said Deke sternly. "So set your watch or some shit because when that hour is up, it is up. Okay brother, this is your stop. Good luck tonight!"

"Thanks man," said Robert, shaking his friend's house before hopping down from the van. He turned and waved as his friend drove out of sight.

Robert crashed through the screen door and into the kitchen, where he saw his father sitting at the table.

"Hey dad," he said breezily.

"Hi there son," said Robert's father. "Was that your friend Deke's van I just saw flying down the road? Your mother said he had come back to town for a visit. Sorry I missed him."

"Um, yeah," said Robert. "Hey, uh, dad, do you think I can borrow the station wagon tonight?"

Robert's father grinned as he pulled his key ring from his pocket and tossed it over to his son. "Why sure. Just take good care of it and fill it up with gas. Oh, and don't forget your curfew is 1:00 am. And no drinking and driving. Do you hear me, son? I will tan your hide if I catch you driving my wagon drunk!"

"Thanks dad! And don't worry, I'll be good," said Robert, turning to dash up the stairs and enter his bedroom. He flopped down on his bed and then took the pill out of his pocket, looking at it carefully.

It was one of the capsule kind, the two halves neatly joined, with probably some kind of powder inside. The whole thing was quite large, as big as some vitamins he'd seen. The outside was a bright red, a strong, strident color he'd never seen before in a pill. Usually pills had a code or manufacturer's mark on them but this one had nothing.

Robert wondered if the pill would get him high. Nah, Deke was going to college on a basketball scholarship and subject to drug testing at any time. No way would he risk that for some stupid pill. And if it wasn't like Viagra, he wondered how it worked. Not that he needed any Viagra, not at his age. Just thinking about girls got his dick hard as a rock.

Robert put the pill in his nightstand drawer and carefully slid it shut. He pulled off his jeans and then slid under the sheets. Images of the blonde woman's head bobbing up and down in Deke's van flooded his mind. Almost unconsciously, he reached down between his legs and began caressing himself. If he met a chick and she agreed to suck his dick, he'd be in heaven. God, he sure hoped that pill worked!

---

Staring at the handwritten directions in the light of the instrument panel, he slowly angled the station wagon down the bumpy country road. Robert wasn't sure he'd found the place until he saw the glow of the bonfire. Rolling down his window, he could hear the bass thump of music.

A few minutes later Robert eased his station wagon into a gap between two other cars and came to a stop. Turning the car off, he patted his shirt pocket for about the 500th time, making sure he still had the red pill. Nervous as hell, he steeled his nerves and got out of the car, being sure to lock it behind him.

The party was in full swing, knots of people standing around the bonfire, cups in their hands. He waved as he saw two guys from his high school. "Hey Greg, hey Zander," he said as he approached.

"Hey Robert, awesome party, bro. You just got here?" said Greg.

"Yeah."

"Grab yourself a cup, man," said Zander. "Keg's right over there."

"Looks like this party is gonna be off the hook," said Greg, taking a long drink from his cup. "I heard some chicks from the high school on the other side of the valley are coming."

"Sounds good," said Robert, subconsciously tapping his shirt pocket once again. "Okay guys, I'll see ya around," he said, heading towards the line in front of the beer keg.

"Five bucks," said the brute manning the keg, a guy Robert didn't recognize. He looked older, probably a university student. Robert forked over the money. He knew his father was serious about drinking and driving but he wanted something to hold in his hand.

Slowly sipping his beer, he meandered around, scoping out the girls. As he was walking, two guys passing him jostled him, the beer sloshing onto Robert's sleeve. "Hey fucknuts, watch where you're going!" shouted one of the guys, a big jock wearing a letter jacket from the high school across the valley. His companion laughed.

Cursing to himself, Robert cradled his half cup of beer and walked over to inspect the groups of people standing further out from the bonfire. He saw one girl that he knew from his science class, Jennifer Robertson. Nah, she was okay but she wore glasses and wasn't his type. She was talking to another girl he knew from around school, Lina Huffington, but she wasn't much his type either, being way into black t-shirts and hard rock for his taste. The third girl in their group was obese and so he turned and headed back toward the bonfire.