The Playmate Shuffle

Mid-morning on April 1 in an exclusive resort in the Caribbean, three beautiful women shared a pitcher of Painkillers, trying to put a good face on the fact that each of their lovers had left them again to play golf. They had been at the world-class resort for a week, with another week to go. Each couple had their own beach cabin for privacy, right on the water. The soft, white beaches stretched to the warm, baby blue currents, where undulating waves massaged the swimmer or scuba diver. These three women had swum enough, partied enough, danced enough, scuba'd enough and sunbathed enough. The only things they hadn't done enough was drink and make love. They had almost given up spending time with their men. That left drinking.

Tanya swallowed the last drops in her glass, and slammed it hard on the table they shared. Both Eva and Boumah jumped at the sound, then they coughed and cleared their throats. They were the alone on the wooden pier, and had nearly fallen asleep. The women were wearing very little to maximize their tans without attracting too much attention from other guests, which might cause their absent lovers to become retroactively jealous. Only Tanya was topless wearing nothing but her kelly green brief bottoms, but she had given up encouraging Eva and Boumah to drop their tops. They were too worried about their international images and the remote possibility that paparazzi might be lurking. So, Boumah wore a slinky dark one-piece cut high on the sides and low in the front, and Eva wore a black thong bikini.

It wasn't modesty that prevented Eva from letting her "puppies" loose to bask in the warm sun. She'd been photographed topless innumerable times. But that was for work. These two weeks were supposed to be for fun. It just hadn't worked out to be as much fun as she hoped.

Eva hadn't been sleeping, but she was dreaming. She dreamt she was living two hundred years ago, when women didn't have to show so much skin. Eva made a very good living as a fashion model, and was in demand for music videos, but she often thought that she didn't own her body. The photographers, fashion designers and videographers controlled what she did. She didn't do porn, and never would, she told herself. But she had to be honest -- there was little of her body that the world today had not seen. So, she tended to drift off in little daydreams, leaving her body behind.

"Another pitcher!" said Tanya, and waved to a waiter who kept his discreet distance from the residents. She held up the empty pitcher. Umar, whose job was to satisfy the constant and unusual desires of the resorts most cherished guests, hurried to fill their drink order. He was thin as a long-distance runner, comfortably old as a favorite hound dog, with spots of gray-white among his black hair. The rumor, whispered excitedly by Tanya, was that he possessed a most admirable, enviable and satisfying giggle-stick. She tended to lick her lips when he was around.

Umar returned with three filled pitchers, and placed them in the center of the cedar wood table.

"T'ree pitchers, ladies," Umar said. His bright smile in his slim dark face was brighter than the white cargo shorts he wore. "But I'm a-cuttin' you off, please," Umar said, flashing his too white teeth. "Until dis afternoon, ladies."

"Well," said Tanya, scrutinizing those cargo shorts for evidence of his rumored trouser snake, "the good news is that it's 11:30. We only have to make these last 30 minutes." She poured glassfuls for Boumah, Eva and herself.

"What de matta, pretty ladies? You be lookin' too blue for dis a-beautiful day," Umar said.

"Man troubles," said Tanya, leaning back in her lounge chair, a tall glass of Painkiller in her hand. Her breasts stayed high with pink tips pointing forward. A bit of sheen could be seen on her body as she settled back.

"Pretty ladies have plenty fellas," said Umar, "right? Chase 'em away with heavy clubs."

"Our guys seem to be tired of us," said Boumah.

"Nobody tired of you," said Umar. "You big Bollywood star! You dance, sing, make happy movies, right? And you," Umar pointed to Eva, "you big-time model! I see you wearin' on'y paint on Sports Illustrated cover. Nobody be tired of any of you." Then he turned to Tanya, trying to avoid looking at her naked chest. "You? You big-time weather girl on cable TV. You speak to the weather gods, right?"

That made Tanya laugh, which made her breasts jiggle. Boumah adjusted her sunglasses, embarrassed for Tanya's exposure.

"I think my Ned is tired of me," said Eva. "A sports agent is constantly on the phone, looking to get one-up on the competition. He's looking for the better deal, a quicker athlete. I'm just his calling card for the next coach or trainer. 'Look at my girlfriend. She's on SI.' It's not about me."

"Exactly," said Boumah. "My Tim is the best class action attorney in America. But he's so busy! He rakes in millions every year, but he's too busy to spend it. If I hadn't forced him, he wouldn't have come to this resort with his buddies. He'd still be in his law office, studying scientific information and legal decisions. When he's home, it's the same old loving, same moves, same tricks, IF he isn't too tired. And he's many times too tired."

"My Earl has no imagination either," said Tanya. "He saves all his energy for his business. He's a stockbroker and futures trader. He watches the markets all around the world. When does he have time for me? How much time does he have for me? Not much, I'll admit it. I'm tired of his same old lovemaking, too."

"Let's face it, girls, they don't deserve women like us," said Eva.

"They don't have time for their women," said Boumah.

"So, why pretty ladies, do you hang wid dem? Cut dem loose!" said Umar.

# "Well, because the give us such wonderful presents," said Tanya.

Boumah and Eva agreed. "Those gifts make them feel less guilty."

"You get some nice t'ings?" Umar asked.

Tanya shrugged. "For Valentine's Day, he gave me diamond stud earrings --18 carat white gold round diamond stud earrings." She took the jeweler's box out of her beach bag, and let everyone see. They sparkled like LED lights on Christmas.

"You not wearin' dem?" asked Umar.

"No, they're kind of expensive," said Tanya.

"Tim gave me an expensive Valentine's present, too," said Boumah. A watch worth over $100,000, too." She pulled the glittering, diamond studded watch out of her beach bag.

Umar seemed amazed. "You carry dose around wid you in a beach bag?"

Boumah shrugged. "It's safer with me than in the cabin, or even in the resort safe. And after all, it's just a watch."

"Not just a watch!" said Eva. "It was an Audemars Piguet Royal Oak Chronograph. We're talking nearly big bucks."

Boumah shrugged. "It's nice."

"I think our guys got into a competition with each other," said Eva. "I mean, Ned gave me this 18 carat white gold necklace with sapphires and diamonds. Flashy, sure. But it wasn't so much about pleasing me as to show up his buddies." Eva, like the others, had carried the fortune in jewels in her sandy cloth bag. She put it on the cedar table for everyone to see.

Tanya sat up suddenly. "Well, of course! Don't you see? My earrings are worth more than $170,000. I guess that makes Earl the winner. He does seem to get excited when I wear them."

"Same with me," said Boumah. "At least something gets him excited."

Eva and Tanya laughed at Boumah's admission. Umar waved his finger at them.

"Na, uh, uh," Umar said, still waving his finger. "Maybe dey juss playin' wid you. T'is is April Foo's Day."

Boumah's phone ringing for the first time in a week startled all of them. She looked puzzled. "Tim's calling. That must have been a quick golf game." She put the phone to her ear, while Eva and Tanya watched her face for a tip-off as to what Tim might want from her.

Before Boumah finished speaking, Eva's phone and Tanya's phone rang. They looked at each other before answering. All three finished their calls about the same time. All three had puzzled looks on their faces.

"Tim wants to see me," said Boumah. "He said their golf match was a bust. None of them could escape their phones or their business issues. Now Tim says he just wants to see something beautiful. He's not fooling me -- he means the chronograph he gave me."

"Earl has the same idea," said Tanya, putting away her phone. "He wants to enjoy my 'allurement.' What does he mean, 'allurement?'"

Boumah lifted her shoulders and her eyebrows. "I think your Earl is talking about your earrings, not just you. All those guys are alike."

Eva joined in. "Ned wants to see me, too. Or maybe he wants to see the sapphire necklace he gave me. He did say he wanted to see his 'precious jewel.'"

"Hah!" shouted Boumah. "There. You see. These guys are sick of us, except as possessions to drape jewelry upon."

"Well," said Tanya, "is that so bad? They do give us such pretty things."

Eva's mouth was a thin, tight line. "I can't speak for you two, but I want a man who loves me, not my image. And certainly don't need a man who only loves the gifts he gives me."

Umar wagged his finger again. "Dere is a way to check dis out. You know what ah'm talkin' 'bout?"

"If you talk the Queen's English I might," said Boumah.

Umar gave her an icy stare, but quickly recovered and flashed his bright smile. "No, I tell you." He gathered them into a circle, and took a knee like he was the quarterback designing a play for the rest of the team. The women put their arms over each others shoulders and leaned forward to hear him. # "D'you trus' Umar?" he said, looking up at each beautiful face while on one knee in the center of their huddle. "Yes?"

They looked at each other, then shrugged their shoulders.

"I trust him," said Tanya. Her large uncovered breasts hung near his dark face, and could have scraped against his short gray hair. "Yeah, sure. I trust him. Let's do this."

Boumah's black one piece looked as though it had been painted on, not using that much paint. When she breathed excitedly, it moved on her abdomen, in and out. Her rich chocolate eyes were round with excitement. "It is my karma to always say 'yes' to the opportunities the gods present. I thank them for my success in Bollywood. So, now, again I say, 'yes.'"

Tanya smirked. "Well, saying 'yes' got me further than I would have otherwise expected. Got me a lot of exposure, you might say. I guess that makes two of us, then."

"Oh, no," said Boumah. "I did not say yes to improper advances. That would be bad karma."

"Bad karma, but great sex," Tanya said.

Eva answered last. Umar pivoted on his knee so he could look up only at her. In doing so, his gray hair scratched the underside of Tanya's breasts. If it bothered her, she didn't make any move or complaint.

"Trust Umar to do what?" Eva said. She looked at him suspiciously.

"Here is de plan," Umar said. "You t'ink dat your men only like the trinkets dey buy you. But now, dese men askin' for you. So, it's easy, see?"

"No, said Eva, "I don't see."

"You all go to your fellas, but widout de gifts. De gifts you let Umar hold. Do you trus' Umar?" He flashed his huge grin again. "Led me tell you, I have no desire to steal your trinkets. It would cos' Umar his easy job, and I like my easy job here too much."

The disappointed looks on Tanya's and Boumah's faces showed that Umar's suggestion was not the kind of revenge on their fellas that they had hoped for. But they agreed to let Umar hold their jewelry. Eva didn't care that much about the diamond sapphire necklace, and so she agreed with the others.

"Now," said Umar, "go. Go! Go see your fellas and let them see you widout trinkets. You'll see. Dey be wantin' you, not de cold stones."

"I think I'll change," said Eva. The black thong bikini was okay for the beach area, but she didn't like the idea of walking around with so much of her ass on display. She'd been told it was a very nice ass, but she'd prefer men remember her for her smile, her eyes, her cheekbones. Now, she thought, that's really dreaming.

Boumah seemed to have caught a little shyness from Eva. She was suddenly aware of the flimsiness of her own attire. Although it covered everything, it also showed the contours of her voluptuous curves. Her Bollywood breasts were lush and pointed. Every theater-goer who saw them as she danced or sang couldn't control the fantasies they inspired. Boumah was turning into a miser who doesn't want anyone to glimpse his gold. She wanted to drape a few scarves around her neck.

Only Tanya felt comfortable the way she was. Topless was the best, she thought, because it drew attention away from her legs. Her legs were just a little too soft, round and heavy. On the set of the network, the camera focused above her knees, on the narrowness of her thin waist in contrast with her sensuous, wide hips and her impossibly perky breasts. Let them stare at my tits, Tanya thought, let them drool thinking that they might be kissing, holding and sucking.

"No!" said Umar. "No need to change. You are lovely de way you are. Dis will be de tes' for you and your fellas. Dey take you de way you are."

Boumah looked down again at her swim attire, slick as oil on her skin. She shrugged and nodded okay. Tanya agreed. Eva pulled at the sides of her thong, hoping it might expand to cover a little more of her ass. It didn't. But she realized that she was being the stick-in-the-mud.

"Okay," Eva said.

"Now, go. Go!" said Umar. "And have a wonderful time wid your fellas."

Eva opened the screened door to the cabin she shared with Ned, just enough for her to slip into the front room. She had hoped that Ned would be anxious to see her. After all, he had phoned her to come back immediately, right? But instead, Ned was in the temporary office, negotiating on one phone while checking statistics on a football prospect on the internet and texting other information on a third device.

Eva saw his golf clubs in their proper place in the corner of the room. It was kind of unusual, since he usually just dropped them when he returned. Neatly lined up next to the clubs were his white and black saddle golf shoes. They looked pristine, without any mud in the cleats or grass streaks on the sides.

Ned, pacing around the office, waving his arms, cajoling his listener, but finally noticed the honey-blond model in the black thong bikini looking lost and confused in his front room. He waved her closer with a free arm. She came into his office space, being as quiet as she could. He scooped her closer, pulling her tightly against him, and kissed her between the points he was making on the phone. Eva would have preferred he kissed her between the points of her warm breasts. But Ned was in full sports agent mode.

Eva broke his embrace after he had nibbled her ear lobes in quick bursts. She sat heavily into the arm chair, and crossed her long legs. Her thong made her legs that much longer. She made circles with her foot, which always made her calf look more slender. Ned paced, attending to the sports business at hand, and not being too distracted by her.

Even at thirty, Ned was fit and trim, exceptionally well-groomed. His blue eyes flashed while he parleyed. His dark hair curled wildly, like the arguments he threw out. He smiled while he worked, because he obviously enjoyed what he was doing. Eva smiled back, having resigned herself to be content with the occasional eyebrow waggle from Ned to show he was aware she was there. Eva used to think the performance was of a male preening for her benefit, but he did the same things when he didn't know she was watching.

Suddenly, Ned stopped talking. He looked carefully at Eva, while asking the listener to hold on a sec. The more he looked at her, the more confused he became.

"Where's the necklace?" he asked.

"Back at the beach," Eva said in an off-hand manner.

"I was hoping you might be wearing it," he said. Then into the phone, he said, "Yeah, in a minute. Hold on a sec."

Eva stood up, and reached her arms for Ned. She was nearly as tall as his six foot height, and so her body seemed to match up and fit perfectly with his. If she ever had a chance to match up and fit perfectly with him. It had been a while.

"Stop it, Eva," he said. "Do you think it's wise to leave a beautiful piece like that on the beach?"

Eva couldn't help but think, You leave a beautiful piece on the beach every day, but perhaps she was giving herself too much credit.

"I'd feel a lot better if you'd go get that necklace. Put it on. I want to see you model it for me. That's what you do best, right? Model? So, model the necklace for me."

Ned turned back to his phone conversation, with a quick glimpse at the computer screen and his text device. He did not wait for Eva's response or reaction. She felt as though she had been dismissed, with a command to follow. "Go. Fetch the bauble. Hurry back." Ned hadn't said these words, but in Eva's head, she heard them anyway. She hesitated before leaving, but Ned didn't seem to notice. Eva wondered why she needed to come back. Their love making had been rather monotonous when it occurred at all. Necklace or not, Eva was convinced they were heading for a breakup. # As Eva was leaving the cabin, she nearly bumped into Boumah who was at the cabin door, sniffling and covering her eyes behind sunglasses. She looked as though she was still working up the courage to knock. Eva swallowed her own disappointment and held Boumah in her arms.

"What's the matter, dear? What happened?" Eva asked.

Boumah shook her head, and began to lead Eva away from the cabin. She seemed embarrassed to let Ned see her distraught. Eva understood; it was not part of the movie star image Boumah had cultivated.

As they were walking arm in arm toward the beach where Umar waited, they glimpsed Tanya up ahead. She still wore her green bikini bottoms, but she was no longer topless. A large, shapeless t-shirt with large, alternating horizontal white and cream stripes covered her to the waist. Her arms punched skyward, her head shook as though she were in conversation with someone, and she occasionally kicked up the sand as she walked. When Eva and Boumah caught up with Tanya, they could tell from her bright red face that she was infuriated. Tanya shook with her anger, too mad to answer their questions. So, all three returned to Umar, who awaited them beneath an aquamarine sun umbrella, lounging on a chaise longue, the leather pouch he used to keep the jewels still on a strap around his neck and one shoulder.

Umar smiled at them, but no one smiled back. He offered them a new pitcher of painkillers. They each took a glass from the table and filled up, then collapsed on chairs around the table.

"Are you going back? Because I refuse to go back," said Tanya.

"I can't go back," said Boumah. "I don't feel wanted. I feel diminished."

"I know how you feel," said Eva. "What's the point? All Ned wants to do is check on his precious necklace."

"Now, ladies, ladies," said Umar. "What did you expec'? Did I tell you to trus' Umar? And you do trus' me, right?" He reached in his pouch and retrieved the jeweled pieces. "But dis is only de firs' step."

"You said our fellas would be more excited to see us than just the gifts they gave us," said Eva. "I don't feel that's what happened."

"That's for damn sure," said Tanya.

Boumah hunched her shoulders and sobbed.

"De firs' step, ladies; on'y de firs' step," said Umar.

Eva glared at Umar, unwilling to give him the benefit of any doubt. Tanya drank the painkiller, and then spit. She was still angry when she thought of Earl. Boumah rubbed at her eyes without removing her sunglasses.

"Hey, hey," Umar said, gently touching Boumah/s shoulders. He danced a little closer to Tanya, and gave her a hug. He danced closer to Eva, but after seeing the look in her eyes, just smiled at her.