"I, uh-- Wow, it's just that it's been so long since--"
Laszlo nodded.
"I mean, its not that I haven't-- When I was younger-- It's just-- I've been, well, I was, y'know, married for a long freakin' time--"
[My wife and I were not yet divorced, but had separated after almost 25 years together. She had asked me to leave because, as she described it, we were "in two totally different places, psychologically and physiologically." Ironically, this came about (after the years I spent on and off the road, during which I had never cheated on her), because of a text I received. Her message, which was sweet, passionate, and VERY explicit, was actually intended for an old friend of mine, with whom she had been having an affair for at least 10 years. There you have it. Still, I wasn't sure I was ready...]
Laszlo continued nodding [again with the evil grin] as I stammered my way through descriptions of a few of my more salacious exploits.
TED: "So I had this, like, spontaneous threesome with my housemates, Mary and Antonio, on New Year's Eve once. I can't remember whose idea it was, but it was like one minute we were just walking down the street, talking and laughing, and the next we were all naked and climbing into this hot tub. I remember Antonio was staring--just, like, open-mouthed staring--at Mary's boobs. I mean, to be fair, they were huge, and frickin' gorgeous, and he'd never seen them before. But then, he just kinda reached out and began to, like, trace his fingers all over them, very delicately. I remember she moved in closer, I guess to give him better access. But, y'know, she, um, kinda simultaneously reached back and grabbed one of my hands, and pulled me toward her. I mean, up against her, 'cause she had her back to me, and Antonio was, like, fondling and squeezing her boobs, and it looked like she was getting really turned on. I was already, like, totally hard, and my dick was just pressed into the crack of Mary's butt.
Anyway, she started grinding against my cock--she had this really nice, skinny, hard ass, y'know? I was hoping she was gonna let me just slide it into her from behind, but I was already all worked up and I just came all on her back and ass. So, like, she was also jerking Antonio off at the same time, and he shot a load all over her tits, so she smeared the cum all over--she had these, like, amazing, big, puffy nipples. Then we were all kinda spent.
Mary was, like, sitting on the edge of the hot tub, so then me and Antonio started taking turns just licking and fingering her pussy, and making out with her, and she had this crazy orgasm. I still remember, she was, like, shaking... Anyway, Mary and I were, like, "friends with benefits" for a few years, until we both met our spouses, but never anything wild like that again.
Oh yeah, then I spent an entire 4th of July, 3-day weekend doing bondage with my then-girlfriend, but it was actually in her parents' king size bed. Y'know, now that I think about it, I never did ask her how that blindfold and the cuffs just, like, suddenly materialized out of nowhere, and why was it only
me
who was tied up for hours? Man, she just kept sucking my cock, and then riding me over and over. Then, I just, like, couldn't get it up anymore, so she crawled up over my face and made me lick her pussy till I basically passed out...
Did you ever have sex in a public place? [Laszlo nods.] Sure, I figured... Well, one time, my best friend's sister--who was just visiting him on campus--she had to be at least 5 years older than me... Anyway, we snuck into-- The college had an old observatory, so we snuck in there late one night, to try stargazing. Then we started making out, and then we were, like, fucking in all kinds of positions--there was this, like, old wooden chair... And we were still trying to look through this antique telescope while we were doing it! We got out just before the security guard caught us. It was hilarious, almost like a cartoon... But I'm wondering what did they think about that-- I mean, there was literally a puddle on the floor..."
I hoped that this would satisfy him, in terms of establishing my bona fides as a "stud," but then it dawned on me that these stories were all from my college- and just-post-college years. So I recounted a quick story about a former colleague from my final days on the road.
TED: "The last show I did before I came over to publishing was a tour of, like, a Broadway show. The crew was people I'd worked with for literally most of my adult life--some for at least 15-20 years. The night we wrapped, a bunch of us went out as usual, for drinks, then a late dinner, then more drinks--y'know what I mean... Eventually, there was just three of us left at the bar--my friend Perry, Bonita, the stage manager, and me. Perry was kinda drunk and he was hitting on the bartender, who was this blond, surfer-boy type, so he wasn't paying any attention to anything, or anyone, else. Bonita leaned over to me to say something--like, to make a comment about Perry or something. Instead, she says, 'Maaaan--if only this was 25 years ago. I would fuck you so hard--' We were all a little drunk, and for a second, I thought about saying something like, 'So, why don't we just pretend it's 25 years ago?' But instead I said, 'Hey now, use your inside voice!' We both totally cracked up, and then just went back to chatting like normal. I can still remember the exact sound of her voice, though, because she had a little bit of a southern accent--just enough to be really sexy."
Finally, I said that, as flattering and interesting as it sounded, it just didn't seem right for me, right now. Laszlo replied, "I understand," then added, "You know, we never have this conversation, right?" (I later dubbed this the "Conversation We Never Had," or CWNH.)
As I said the word "no," I began having second thoughts almost immediately. I mused about the logistics (where could this take place? when?), thought about a strategy for success (was I even up to the "task," physically? would I need some pharmaceutical assistance?) And, of course, I tried to imagine who this mysterious person could be.
*****
