John was running late, and I was worried that he was going to miss the plane. He had to meet a client for lunch and we had agreed that we would meet at the office at 2:00 and drive to the airport together. I'm a punctual person, and he tries to be but sometimes things get in the way. Our flight was at 5:00 and we're about 30 minutes from the airport. It's now 2:45 and I'm getting nervous. I know that airlines say that you need to be at the airport 2 hours before the flight and I don't like to be late.
I just sent him a text. "Where are you? We need to leave for the airport!"
His reply. "Sorry, be there in less than 5 minutes. Meeting ran long. We'll still make it. Trust me."
Ok, we'll be fine. John says that a lot: trust me. And the funny thing is that I do trust him, more than I imagined that I would or could. The last few weeks have been crazy, absolutely crazy. He has changed my life around, mostly for the good, but I have to trust that he will continue to be worthy of my trust. I think I'm falling in love with him. That's not good for either of us, though, because we both have too much to lose. My husband deserves more than I am giving him, and Jenny, John's wife, does too. They are both really great people, but it seems that fate (although I don't really believe in fate) has brought John and I together.
I knew that he was crazy for me when we were kids. He followed me around and was always trying to get me to date him, but he wasn't the right guy for me. He has changed so much from then. And I have too, I guess.
John was tall, scrawny, not very handsome really. He was always funny and fun, but he didn't seem to have much focus in life. I told him that I was going to be a pastor's wife and that was the reason that we couldn't date, but it was less about that and more about the fact that he just didn't seem serious enough about his life and his goals.
So he went and married Jenny, and I met Tom. I don't know that I ever really loved Tom, but he was a serious man and a pastor, and so stable. I didn't grow up in a stable home, and I wanted my kids to have a steady, constant mom and dad. Tom is that. He's not exciting, not fun, but he has always been a good husband and father.
When he lost his church, though, it threw him into a tailspin. He seemed to have lost focus, and I didn't know what to do to help him. I was sure that my sleeping with another man wasn't the answer for him, but it was the first time in my life that I had done something for me. It's selfish and it's wrong, but the stress at home had become too great, and having John as an outlet was the safest way to cope with it all. John has boundaries and he's a good friend and boss. He saved my life, and he had no idea how important he became.
When he made that crazy offer to pay me all that money to sleep with him, I was shocked. No, shocked would be an understatement. I had never even thought about another man besides Tom, and I certainly never thought that I would be unfaithful to Tom. It was so far from my normal life to even think about another man. Good, Christian women just don't do that. It's so wrong, and I know that it's a sin. But he found a weakness in me. He had no idea how much we needed that money. We were drowning, and the money saved us from being homeless. We had moved in with my parents, but that wasn't a good thing for any of us, and we couldn't stay there forever. Plus, we had medical bills that were killing us, so any money that I made was going to pay those off. It was so hard, and John took all of that away. Is it really so wrong to do something sinful if it saves your family from ruin? Didn't I really do a good thing for Tom and Kelsey? I sacrificed my body for the good of my family. I gave up my virtue, but it was for a good cause. I felt guilty for a little while, but then we stopped getting calls from debt collectors, and it seemed worth the sacrifice. Instead of being a sinner, I think I did something good for my family.
The problem is that I LOVED it. I had never had a man worship my body like that, never had someone who only wanted to give me pleasure. John was so gentle, so kind, and he made it obvious that all he wanted to do was to help me enjoy the time with him.
And, God help me, I did enjoy it. He made my body respond in ways that I didn't even know were possible. I had no idea that sex could be fun, overwhelming and such an amazing experience. Tom and I were both virgins when we got married, and neither one of us had even kissed anyone else. And Tom believes that we should deny our pleasures for the glory of God, so sex is not a huge part of our marriage.
We do have sex (well, we did - we haven't had much in the last year), but he believes that it's something that we have to do, not something that we should want to do. He denies himself pleasure for the glory of God, so we would have sex every couple of weeks or so, but he never saw it as anything more than a marital necessity. Husbands and wives should have sex, but they should use it as a way to worship God. We always pray together before sex, and it doesn't help make the mood.
And then the way that we do it, well, it's not romantic. No candles, no music, nothing like the romance books or soap operas. It's something that we share, but it doesn't really connect us as husband and wife. He climbs on, and pushes it in a few times until he orgasms, and then he rolls over and goes to sleep. 10 minutes max, including the prayer.
But I do love Tom in spite of it all. I just wish that he could thrill me. But that's not his personality. If I gave him a book on sex (and I couldn't because that would be evil pornography), he could study it and learn the mechanics of sex, but I don't think that he could make the connection between sex and romance. He's not romantic, and could never understand that a woman needs romance AND sex. He provides for us (well, he always has, and he will again, I'm sure), and that's his way of showing love. But I cannot imagine Tom just coming up to me and taking me in his arms to kiss me. We just don't show that kind of affection.
So when John came along and offered to pay me to sleep with him, that was so far from my way of life that I couldn't even conceive of such a thing. Oh, I knew that some men are addicted to sex and would use prostitutes for their evil desires, but I couldn't imagine that a man as good as John would be that kind of man. I've known him forever, and I know that he's not that kind of man. He might not have been the kind of stable husband that I wanted, but he is a good man. I knew that, and it didn't correspond with his evil request. I didn't know what to do.
But John was so kind through it all, and I could tell that he wanted to help us. It's just that his solution was unusual. Since then, it has come to make sense, but it didn't make sense then. How could he ask me to be unfaithful to my husband, just so that he could soil me with his evil? I didn't slap him when he made the offer, but I thought about it. At first, I rejected it completely. It was ludicrous, wrong, evil, crazy. There was no way that I would do such a thing. And I would run away from him and never see him again. I had thought about calling his wife and telling her, but something kept me from doing that. I probably should have, but I didn't.
But then I understood that the money was the important thing for my family, more important than my reputation or my self-esteem. If I was willing to sacrifice my body, I could stop the cycle of despair and, hopefully, turn it around for us. We couldn't possibly keep going much longer. I couldn't imagine my darling Kelsey being homeless, and the thought of Tom feeling like a failure, well, that meant that I had to do whatever I could to make things better.
So I agreed to meet John. I thought that I would meet him and just lay back and take his penis for a few minutes, and it would all be over. I had no idea what he would do to me. I mean, my husband had never even seen me naked, but John got me to take off all of my clothes in front of him. I undressed for him. I have never done that for Tom, not once. But I did for John.
I keep asking myself why I did such a thing, why I changed so much for him that night, and I still don't know why. Before I even knew what the sex was like, he changed me. And I kissed him, like a starving woman, I kissed him. Tom doesn't make me that way, doesn't make me greedy for his kisses. So how did John get me to do that? And even more, I asked him to kiss me!
Oh my, I just realized that the thought of him has made me wet down there. A month ago, that sort of feeling would have never happened, but now it seems to happen every time that I'm in the room with him, or now even thinking about him. What am I going to do with myself? I'm a mother and a pastor's wife! I can't be like this!
Chapter 2
A few minutes later, John came flying into my office. "Sorry, I'm so late! Where are your bags? Are you ready to go?"
I pointed to the carryon next to my desk, got up and straightened my skirt, and smiled at this man who is the exact opposite of my husband. When he walks into a room, the energy level increases. He's a force of nature, and people stand up and take notice.
"I've got my bag in the trunk. Do you need to do anything else before we go?" He gave me that smile that makes my knees weak, and I shook my head. "Ok, let's go!" He grabbed my bag and started out to his car. I followed behind, like a little puppy, a little disoriented by it all.
John travels all the time, but I don't. I've only flown maybe 5 or 6 times in my whole life, so flying is a big deal. I still believe, for example, that people should dress their best for flights, and I was dressed in a nice suit that made me look very professional. A business woman, that's what I am, I thought. I'm his Executive Assistant.
John popped the trunk and put my bag next to his. Then he opened my car door and helped me in. I had a large purse that I kept with me, and I slid into the soft leather seat. It was a warm day and the seat was a little hot, so I sat gingerly, hoping that I wouldn't burn my legs on the leather. John went around to his side and climbed in, smiled at me as he started the car, and we were off. He asked if I minded if he made some business calls while he drove, and I told him that it was fine. We would have plenty of time to talk this week.
While he talked to one of the attorneys about a contract that they were finalizing, I sat there and thought back to the boy that I knew, way back when. The boy that had apparently fallen in love with me and that I had now fallen in love with. He has changed so much, I thought. That gangly, goofy body had transformed into a lean, trim, muscular one, and he looked so good. Seeing him without clothes was an amazing sight, and I don't think he even realized just how good his muscles looked. He wasn't huge, but the muscles seemed to just make him look lean and healthy. Like a swimmer, I thought.
And his personality had changed, too. Well, not really changed, but mellowed. As a boy, he was always moving from one thing to the next, and rarely seemed to settle on one thing. He was smart but had trouble in school because he didn't seem to care about it. But now, he still had that energy that made you want to be around him, but he had developed this laser-like focus that allowed him to accomplish work and use his intelligence wisely.
He had always been a very kind person, and that only seemed to be stronger now. Even when he was having a very hard conversation with someone, the way that he did it meant that you couldn't help but like and admire him. Everyone around him felt like he wanted the best for them, and they would then give him their best efforts because they wanted him to be happy. It isn't the normal model for managing employees, but John is not the normal manager. He had this way of making people believe that they could move mountains, and that he was behind them all the way. Genuine, I thought, that's a good word to describe him. You never thought that he was trying to pull a fast one.
Even when he made that crazy offer and shocked me with the suggestion, I knew, somehow, that he was trying to give me a lifeline. Yes, it was wrong for him to ask for sex with a married woman, but somehow it was ok because he was so upfront with it. I needed money, he wanted me, why not make a trade? Not the normal kind of business deal, but to him it was obvious that he should ask me to do it.
John said, "Kim? Did you hear me?"
I kind of shook my head and rejoined him in the real world. "I'm sorry, John, I was just daydreaming. I didn't want to listen in on a private conversation. What did you say to me?"
He put his hand on my arm, gave it a little affectionate squeeze and said, "I said that you look wonderful. Is that a new outfit?"
"Thank you, John, yes it's new from Annie." I was wearing a beige linen suit with tan pumps. The jacket buttoned up to just above my breasts, and since I wasn't wearing a blouse, would have been immodest. So I added a navy blue patterned scarf that tied around my neck and tucked into the jacket, covering my chest. The matching skirt came to just above my knees, and was fairly snug across my hips. Tom did not approve of such an outfit because he thought it was too revealing. If he had his way, I would wear ankle length denim skirts and blouses that buttoned all the way up to my chin. He didn't want anyone to know that I had a body under those clothes because it would just lead men to lust. I had to remind him that I had an image to maintain for John's sake, and that I could be both modest and professional at the same time.
Tom also believes that women should not wear pants or makeup. I don't wear pants out of respect for his beliefs, but I do wear a little makeup, just to even out my skin tones. Men have no idea what women do for them.
