Yes, indeed, I had the good life. I was sunning myself on my private beach in Jamaica, with a cool glass of lemonade, four personal servants, and my new yacht resting in the distance. I was about to tell Jacques to fetch my dune buggy for a ride, but then there was an unfortunate mishap.
My classmate elbowed me in the ribs, and woke me up. "Psst- Kev! Wake up, man! Doc Fenster looks like he wants to call on one of us again."
I quickly snapped out of my nap, and looked out over the lecture room. The sunny beaches of my dreams had again been replaced with 187 Physics II students, all watching the old clock on the wall taunt us with the promise of freedom. As usual, Doctor Harold Fenster slowly plodded between the two podiums on the lecture floor, explaining the three laws of thermodynamics. I sat up and moved my neck around. I hated falling asleep in class-mostly because it left me with tightly knotted neck muscles from trying to hold my head up. Without thinking, I reached up to massage the pain out of my neck, and as my hand went up, an old memory tugged at the back of my mind. I squinted as I started to rub the pain out of my neck. The memory had something to do with raising hands and answering questions in class. I was beginning to make the connection when I realized it was too late. I heard the words I dreaded most:
"Mr. Lawes, I see you've volunteered to answer this question. Can you give us the answer to my question on the board?"
I cleared my throat as 187 heads turned to look at me.
"Sir, I, er, don't remember the question."
Several chuckles and giggles echoed across the classroom walls.
The old professor tugged at his blue bow tie, and replied, "Mr. Lawes, I'd like you to explain for the rest of us the definition of inertia."
I looked up into the ceiling, and took a deep breath. I had no idea what to say, and since the rest of the class was staring at me intently, I figured it was best to pull a laugh or two out of the situation. I took a deep breath, and frowned as though I were concentrating.
"Sir, I believe inertia is the capitol of Mongolia."
The class laughed, and for a second, I felt a little bit better about myself. However, Doctor Fenster quickly cured that feeling.
"Mr. Lawes, I expect to see you after class."
The class sent up a reassuring "Oooo" of mock shock, and I smiled broadly to finish the act of defiance. The old clock on the wall, sensing it had lost the attention of the class, chimed loudly to signal the end of class. As the class began its usual rustle of moving paper, conversation, and zipping bookbags, Douglas patted me on the shoulder.
"Great work, you idiot. I'll see you after Fenster finishes giving you the third degree. I'm out."
"Doug, I'm gonna be fine, man. You'll see."
"Yeah. We both know those last two test grades were nowhere near high enough for you to keep razzing the man in class."
I lost a little of my bravado as Doug turned to leave. Of all the classes I took, Physics was the one I hated the most. I slowly moved out of my row, and down the center aisle toward the old doctor. Although nearly two hundred people were in the process of leaving class, I could feel Doctor Fenster's eyes follow me as I moved down to the podium. When I finally got there, he studied me for a minute, and began to speak.
"Kevin Lawes. What am I going to do about you? If something doesn't change soon, you will not pass my class. I know you're in your early twenties. Hell, I used to be in my early twenties. But, you can't crack jokes and sleep through the rest of your life. This isn't the first time you've evaded a question with a joke. Try that on the final exam, and see what happens."
I looked up at the man, and started thinking. Maybe this time, I ought to take him seriously. Even Doug was starting to get on my case, and if I flunked out of college, my parents wouldn't be all that happy about the money they wasted. Maybe it really was time to start taking him seriously.
Walking over to the podium, Doctor Fenster rifled through a stack of papers until he found a small yellow slip. Returning to me, he began to explain.
"Mr. Lawes, do you want to pass?"
Having thought about the consequences, I looked up and replied, "Yes."
"Good. I was going to give this to you sometime this week, but you've proved you need it now more than ever. This is the number for one of the most effective Physics tutors I use with students-like yourself-who are special cases. She's worked with a few of my pupils before, and the results have been excellent. Please call her at your earliest convenience, and pass my exam. That's all." I replied, "Thank you," and turned to go to my seat and gather my books. As I moved, I glanced down at the slip of paper. The slip read:
Ms. Judy Roland 956-0102
I grimaced as I thought of who this Judy Roland might be. I had read (and fantasized about) stories in cheap adult magazines of college boys seduced by young, nubile, sex-crazed tutors. I considered that possibility for a fraction of a second, and concluded that the likelihood of that happening to me was in the same class as that private beach in Jamaica: A dream, at most. Knowing my luck, she was probably some disgruntled old hag with blue hair and bad breath. As I hefted my books up onto my shoulder, I made a mental note to call her when I got back to my dorm room and schedule a tutorial session. The doc was trying to help me, after all. I plugged in my headset, and began to listen to a few old "Boyz II Men" tunes. I never thought my days as a baritone in the school choir would pay off, but as I hummed along with Mike (the bass singer in the group), I began to feel a little better.
When I finally got back to my dorm room, I shut the door behind me, and looked down at the number in my hand. I took a deep breath, and picked up the phone. I tapped the number, and put the receiver up to my ear. After two rings that seemed to take an eternity, a female voice broke the silence.
"Hello?"
Although soft, the voice wasn't anything like I thought it would be. I cleared my throat, and began to speak.
"Hello, Miss Roland? I was referred to you by my Physics teacher, and-"
"Oh, you must be Kevin. How are you?"
"I'm fine. Listen, Doc Fenster told me to meet with you as soon as possible to review some Physics. When are you available?"
I listened for a response, but all I got for a few seconds was empty space. I wondered if the connection had been broken-cordless phones had a tendency to act up sometimes..
"Hello? Miss Roland?"
There was another brief pause, and I heard her voice again. "I'm still here. I just- er- faded out for a second." I sighed. Not only did I have to have a tutor, but I got the tutor with the bad phone line. I repeated my earlier question, hoping I wouldn't have to meet with her until much, much later on in the week. Her response stunned me. "How about now? I know you don't know me all that well, but he's been keeping me up to date with his lectures. I can't think of a better way to get to know each other, and start solving the problems he says you've been having." Inwardly, I groaned. My Super Nintendo would have to wait a few more hours, after all.
"That would be just fine, Miss Roland. Where would you like us to meet?"
She laughed at me, and replied, "You're so polite. Look, just call me Judy. Let me see..."