The Friends List

This is the final chapter of The Friends List. If you're jumping in now without reading the first four, all you really need to know is that it's set in the summer of 2010. This chapter opens in mid-August. All characters are over 18.

Thanks to RawSilhouette and Ravenna933 for beta-reading the whole series and providing much-welcomed feedback.

It was morning, a couple days after getting home from Kingston, and after hooking up with either the third or fourth of my stepsister Vanessa's friend group in one summer, depending on what you counted as sex. As I lay in my bed alone, waking up, I reflected on my most recent hookup, Samantha Fischer. She was stunningly beautiful, intelligent, streetwise, and convinced that storm clouds were on the horizon for me. Her warnings had me worried.

I obviously hadn't set out planning to work my way through a group of girlfriends over the course of one summer, but another of the group, Monique Lachance, had told me back in May that one of my stepsister's friends had a long-standing crush on me. When I hadn't been studying for the LSAT exam I'd finally just written, I'd spent a lot of the summer obsessing over figuring out who it was. One thing had led to another, and somehow now I'd hooked up with more than half of them without being any wiser as to the identity of the mystery girl.

I grabbed my phone off the charger on my nightstand and noticed a new notification from Kirsten Bäumler, which surprised me because I hadn't spoken to her since the last time we'd hooked up a few months ago.

Guten Morgen, Peter. How did your exam go?

she had asked. The message had been sent about twenty minutes previously, so I wasn't worried about waking her. I texted back right away.

Not bad. I don't know if I passed or not, but I'm sure I can do better the next time I write it anyway. I can write it up to three times in a year, so I think I did fine for a first try. It was good practice.

I'm happy for you,

the response soon came back.

It must feel good to be done. Obviously, I can relate to school stress! I hadn't wanted to text you while I knew you were studying so intensely, but Samantha told me you've finished, so I wanted to say hi. I've missed talking to you.

You could have messaged me before, but it's so nice to hear from you again

, I answered.

I hadn't wanted to interrupt your career, either. How are things in Boston?

Honestly? Way better.

There was a long pause while I saw the 'typing' icon, then finally the response came in.

I know you know how crazy my life was in freshman year, how competitive it was, how insecure I was feeling about my musical talent. I wasn't letting myself have any fun, and it was causing me so much stress. I was heading towards a nervous breakdown. Then I met you. I learned how to have fun playing music again. I learned I can mix my career, studying, and boys, and not let any of them suffer. I owe you a lot.

That's amazing!

I wrote back.

What's changed?

I've started playing in a band with some friends in the program. Let me back up. First, I finally made some friends in the program. Then we started playing in a band together. We're doing a mix of 80's covers and synth-pop originals and we've started playing pubs around Boston on weekends. I play keyboards and sing lead on some of the songs. Music is supposed to be fun! I'd forgotten that. I can put on spandex clothes and play Kim Wilde songs at night and still get good grades during the day. The other people around me at Berklee aren't competition, they're some of the most talented young musicians in North America. It's okay to have fun with them.

Another message came in shortly after:

And I've started dating the drummer in the band. Of course I picked the guy who plays the one instrument I don't, right? It's early, but I really like him, and, thanks to you, I actually feel like I can have a boyfriend and not feel like it's a distraction from school. You know from experience that I'll never be good at casual sex without feelings, but I really like this guy and I can see a future for us together. His name is Paul.

She then sent a picture of the two of them together - blonde, blue-eyed Kirsten radiantly beautiful in a 1980's spandex outfit with teased big hair and leg warmers, snuggled in with a good-looking dark-haired and dark-eyed guy. He had a teased Robert Smith haircut and was dressed in a red leather jacket.

Oh, I'm so happy for you

, I answered honestly.

I was a little worried about you, how high-strung and wound up you seemed. It's so great you've finally relaxed and are having fun.

Thank you. How are you? s

he asked. Then, as I was trying to figure out what to say:

Samantha told me everything that just happened between you. I know you were trying to keep things on the DL from Vanessa, but you know I can keep a secret. You can be honest with me.

I'm okay

, I answered.

I never intended to wind up sleeping with three girls in the same friend group. It just kind of happened. I didn't think about it while any of it was happening, but it looks really bad in retrospect, right? And now Samantha's basically told me she's not going to lie for me, which, that's fair enough. I don't expect her to. But she's got me scared of what Vanessa is going to do when she finds out.

For what it's worth

, Kirsten wrote back,

I don't regret anything we did. You've had such a positive effect on my life and I wouldn't be playing in a band or dating a handsome drummer now without you. I don't mind telling Vanessa that if it becomes necessary. She's not going to be happy when she finds out, and yes, now that you've hooked up with Samantha, it's when, not if. Sam's put up with too much bullshit over her life to be willing to lie for anyone. She's a straight-shooter, honest to a fault.

You know that I had to end it because I was developing feelings for you, and I hate that I apparently can't have sex with a boy without falling for him,

she continued

. Thank you for leaving me alone for a while to sort out my feelings. But now that I've got a boyfriend, and now that I'm over you, I want to be friends. Text me, okay? And I'll let you know when I'm coming home so we can jam again. Nothing you and I did together was wrong or a mistake, and you can't feel guilty or regretful for indirectly saving me from myself. Like I say, I'll tell Vanessa that to her face if I ever need to. I owe you that much. <3

I hope it isn't needed,

I wrote,

but I appreciate it anyway. And for sure, I'd love to be friends. Text me any time you like.

I momentarily contemplated asking Kirsten for advice on Monique's behind-the-scenes manoeuvring over the course of the summer before deciding against it. I didn't understand anything she'd done this summer or why, so the last thing I wanted to do was to cause her problems within her group of friends.

But this secret crush business... I'd slowly narrowed down the list of possibilities, and now I was out of ideas. Despite the fact that I really liked Monique, I was starting to feel like I'd been... misled maybe? I still had no idea who the crush was, I was out of options, and I felt like she owed me an explanation, at a bare minimum. With my exam written and a couple of relaxing weeks at home ahead of me, I decided that I needed to try to get to the bottom of Monique's Wizard-of-Oz'ing my summer hookups from behind a set of curtains.

I said goodbye to Kirsten and texted Monique next.

Hey, so you've probably heard, but things went well with Sam.

I did hear

, the response came back immediately.

Congratulations again, you stud. Another satisfied woman in your wake. You really are something else.

Thanks.

I paused a moment, thinking.

I don't even think I've seen you since the cottage last month. If we're going back to separate cities in a couple weeks when school begins again, we should hang out sometime. You want to grab a beer sometime?

I'd love to

, she answered.

I hadn't wanted to distract you from studying, but it would be great to see you.

How about tonight? You free?

Shakespeare Arms at seven?

she wrote back.

See you then!

With plans made, I spent another day relaxing at home. I was still feeling a little residual stress from all the studying, and doing literally nothing all day was utterly glorious. Mom and Walt were around, but Vanessa had been missing in action since I'd gotten home. I didn't know where she was, and I was happy not to know. Sam's promise not to lie to protect me was still ringing in my ears, and while I knew I couldn't avoid my stepsister for the next few weeks, I was happy not to have to face her quite yet.

That night, I put on a nice shirt and went down to the Shakespeare Arms, a British pub near the University of Guelph campus with a great beer selection. Monique was already there, holding down a corner table when I arrived. Her hair was different again from the last time I'd seen her, with her pixie cut grown out a little and now dyed purple. She was wearing a form-fitting black halter top and jeans, which surprised me, as I'd only seen her in either fetish-y leather or the baggy, form-concealing clothes she used to wear. She looked surprisingly normal, but still cute in a punky girl-next-door kind of way.

"Peter, you look great." She looked me up and down as I sat down. "More relaxed, maybe? I'm sure getting that exam written was good for your well-being."

"Oh, for sure. You look good, too. How's your summer gone since the cottage? We've barely talked since then."

"I know, I hadn't wanted to disturb you," she replied thoughtfully. "It's gone okay. Kind of boring these past few weeks. Natalie's been back in Ottawa with her boyfriend, Vanessa and Laura went to Toronto together for a few days, and Sam... well, you know what's happened with Sam. You dog." She smiled at me in a way that I found a little off-putting, but just before I responded, the waitress came and took our drinks order, and by the time we were alone again the moment had passed.

We spent the next couple of hours catching up, and I didn't bring up the one thing I'd wanted to say - waiting for the right moment, I suppose. Monique's fling with Becky had petered out as quickly as it had began, and she had no ongoing hookup at the moment. She'd been spending a lot of her time at home with her oppressive religious family, feeling silently judged and wishing she hadn't sublet her apartment in Toronto for the summer. She was looking forward to the school year beginning again, as I was, though she did let me know that Natalie was coming back again right at the end of the summer, and she was throwing a huge combination house and pool party with her younger sister.

"Wait,

Natalie

is throwing a house party? Are her parents going to be away?"

"I think so. Stunning, isn't it? She's finally learning to rebel a little against the old Asian Tiger Parents. Though I think it's her sister Vivian that's actually throwing the party. Viv's a firecracker, and now that she's turned 18 she's learning they can't control her legally anymore. Apparently there's been a lot of drama lately in the Chen household. But we're all invited, and you should come, too! Obviously Kirsten's going to be away in Boston, but the rest of the girls will be there. It'll be fun to end the summer with a house party, just like the way it began, eh?"

"I'd love to come. But speaking of house parties..." I gathered my courage. "I don't know whether I should thank you or curse you or what's going on, but my summer has been about 80% studying and 20% wondering just what you've been up to all this time with this secret crush business. I've worked through all the possibilities since we talked the morning after Vanessa's party, and I really don't know what you were getting at.

"Laura obviously always liked me, but that conversation about the crush took place after she and I hooked up, and you said it wasn't her. Kirsten didn't even really know me before I slept with her. Natalie, I figured out she likes me a little, but she's taken, and you also said it wasn't her you were referring to. And it definitely wasn't Samantha, despite what happened between us a couple days ago. So who's left? Michelle's been with the same guy since she was 13 and she still seems head-over-heels into him. And Vanessa I

know

isn't into me like that, even if we're not blood-related. She's despised me for years."

"I got you laid repeatedly this summer, though, right?" Monique deflected. "Would you have had sex this summer if I hadn't sent you chasing after those girls? With anyone other than Laura that first night?"

"No, but that's fine. Those two weeks with Kirsten were the highlight of my summer so far, hooking up with Samantha was unexpected and unbelievable, and it was fun getting off with Natalie and Priya even though it wasn't sex. But why did you do it? Did you lie to me? Or is there something I'm not seeing?"

Monique breathed deeply, then took a big swig of her beer. "I didn't lie to you," she finally muttered quietly.

"Okay..."

"I told you that spring morning at your house how good it was for me to start discovering my sexuality and sleeping around. I spent my whole teen years since puberty being ashamed of my body and my sexual desire and I'm not anymore. Some of my other friends needed that experience, too.

"Kirsten was going to have a stroke from stress and sexual frustration, and now she's neither stressed nor frustrated. She's having fun playing in a band and going steady with a boyfriend. You did that for her. Natalie eventually told me about that night in the cabin, and while I'm not sharing much that she told me in confidence, she still thinks all the time about that threesome. She told me, and I quote, that it's the hottest thing that's ever happened to her. You did that for her. Laura still isn't over you, but... well, you gave her the one-night stand to remember for the rest of her life. You did that for her.

"And Samantha, I know she opened up to you about her sexual history, the poor thing. She was telling me all about these two guys she slept with earlier this year and how good they were, and in the back of my mind all I could think was 'girl, you need to sleep with a guy who actually knows what he's doing.' That asshole Tyler was so bad that she thought mediocre sex where she somehow managed to give herself an orgasm despite the guy's best efforts was as good as it gets. And she's the most cis-hetero girl in all of Canada, so sleeping with another girl wasn't exactly an option for her. Now, she's finally been fucked properly. You did that for her, my friend."

"Speaking of, I hear you laid some groundwork for me there," I interrupted, remembering Samantha telling me that Monique had been convinced we'd sleep together before she made the trip up to Kingston.

"I did no such thing. I just told her she was going to do what she wanted to do anyway," she retorted.

"Well, thank you regardless."

"My pleasure, but you didn't need the help. You're a rare find, and you've been hugely positive for four of my friends. If that's all that comes out of this, then I'm satisfied."

"But still, there was supposed to be a girl with a crush on me, remember? Did you lie to me so that a bunch of your friends could have good sex?"

"I'm glad you were good for all of them, but I told you already, Peter. I didn't lie to you."

"I'm sorry, but if there's something here I'm missing, I'm not seeing it."

"I hope one day you'll figure it out."

We eyed each other across the table for a moment.

"It's not Michelle, then?" I asked, grasping at straws.

Monique shot me a dirty look. "I've told you before to stop fucking asking me who it is."

"You've been torturing me all summer with this, Monique."

"Oh, I'm sure it was such torture for you, getting your fat cock off into all those tight, nubile young pussies."

We glared at each other. I'd never seen Monique upset before, but she seemed it now.

"I don't want to fight with you, Peter," she finally said.

"I don't either. I like you. I just... I'm so confused."

"I like you too. I hope you figure it out. You're so close to the solution."

I looked deep into Monique's brown eyes, locked onto mine, and for a split second I considered the possibility that the answer was staring me in the face... before I glanced down to her cleavage, where a Pride rainbow necklace was dangling invitingly in the space between her breasts.

She's a lesbian. Don't be an idiot. But maybe...

"Can I ask you something personal?" I blurted, without thinking.

Monique nodded.

"Are you a gold star?"

She rolled her eyes. "You're asking if I've ever fucked a dude? You straight boys are more obsessed with cock than girls sometimes, huh?"

"You don't have to answer that. Forget I even asked," I blushed, embarrassed at the awkward forthrightness of my question.

I shouldn't have asked her that. Fuck.

"Nah, it's fine. You can ask. By the definition my parents would use, I'm still a virgin. Crazy, eh?"

"You've never slept with a man?" I was shocked.

She shook her head. "I feel like I know what the experience is roughly like, thanks to strap-ons, but no, I've never had sex with a guy."

"Neither have I," I volunteered, trying to back myself out of the corner I'd put myself in.

Monique cracked up. "I wouldn't have thought so," she finally managed, laughing. "You're not the type."

I quickly changed the subject. "Samantha also mentioned I should ask you about Vanessa. All of a sudden I'm three of her friends deep this summer, and I'm concerned about what she's going to do when she finds out."

Monique considered this. "I mean, yeah, she probably won't be thrilled about it. But..."

"Yes?"

"I'm pretty sure you've figured out that your stepsister is, well, promiscuous."

"I've figured that out, yeah."

"I'm not sharing any stories of hers that she wouldn't want you to know. But there are quite a few of them. I don't slut-shame other women, but she's the kind of girl who would invite that kind of judgment, if you were the type. Not because she's a sexual person, but because she's made some impulsive decisions in the past that have gotten her into trouble."

"I don't need to hear stories, but are you saying she's created drama?"

"Make no mistake about it, I love her dearly and I forgive her her faults, just like I do anyone I'm close with. But she's the one of us whom I'd think would be the least likely to have the right to criticize your actions this summer."

I took this in.

"You and her are more alike than either of you would admit, you know."

"I don't agree." I was mildly offended.

"I know you wouldn't." Monique smiled.

"So what do I do if she finds out and is pissed off?"

"Put it this way. I think you'd have a whole group of girls ready to come to your defense, if need be. And if it really comes down to it, if the only way to salvage your relationship with her is to come clean about what I told you at the party earlier this summer, I'll do that."

"You would?"

"I don't

want

to..." she trailed off. "But I love and respect both of you too much to let your relationship be destroyed over something I had a big hand in."

"I appreciate that, and I hope it's not necessary."

"Me too."

The rest of the evening went smoothly, and after a couple of beers apiece we eventually parted and headed home. I was really glad to have Natalie's pool party to look forward to at the end of the summer, and while I wasn't exactly mad at Monique, I decided then and there that I needed to be over this crush business. I'd spent the summer obsessing over it but was no closer to the solution, if there even was one. Every possible option had been ruled out. But even if I never figured it out, Monique was right - I'd still gotten laid a bunch and made some friends. Summers have gone worse.