The Ex Fest

"Scott!"

"Meh-huh?" I mumbled into my phone. Why'd I even answer it? I was still a wreck after an overnight session banging out the blonde smokeshow in bed next to me, Jen. No, wait. Jane? What was her name, and why did I think staring at her ass would help me remember it? It's not like she had her name tattooed on it. She had a tattoo of the Chinese symbol for Spring Break on it. I covered the tattoo with my hand. Yep, perfectly fine ass without ink. Let the red hand-shaped bruise from last night breathe, though. Wait, why was I holding a phone again?

"Scott, guess what happened?!"

"My guess, regarding what happened," I said, "is you forgot that on most weekend mornings—"

Blondey by my side rolled away a sec and whispered sweetly, "What the fuck dude, it's early."

"... I'm usually trying not to wake someone up."

"Well," said Ash, "it's not that!" This was not her usual style, all chipper and not-busting-my-ass and whatnot. She should've called me a dirtbag by now, or asked me if the girl could suck a thirty year old dick as hard as she blew out her nineteen birthday candles at the sock hop where I met her. (And for the record it was at a wine bar, and her coworker's birthday, and I think she said something about doing marketing so that makes her like 22 and a half, right?)

"Last night Andrew took me out to dinner—"

"Cool," I lied. Andrew was the worst. Off-and-on'd her for years, now they were back on because he felt like it and Ashley fell for it. I rolled my eyes, then opened them wide as Little Miss "We Both Hate This Wine Bar, Let's Fuck Before Really Taking the Time to Memorize Each Other's Names" next to me weaseled down under the sheets and took my dick in her mouth. Then she tossed the sheets off behind her so I could admire her technique, stroking me while moving her warm tongue down to my balls, her green eyes locked on mine all the while.

"It was super fancy, and he dressed up, and everything was amazing—"

"Ohhhhh," I moaned, before snapping back into reality, "yeah? Nice."

Jen-Jane Prettyface was back at the head of my cock, sliding her lips up and down the shaft, with enough vigor to make her heavy teardrop tits bounce a little. You know when a girl's breasts are a handful, but like a polar bear's paw-ful? These were some wonderfully pawful breasts, I thought to myself, barely able to hear myself think over her cock-slurping.

"Y...Yeah it was great!" said Ash.

"Awesome. Awesome awesome awesome," I said. Janice Jane Jensen McLovesdong giggled up at me, with that sexy giggle all torturers have, rose up on her kness, and shoved her fingers in my mouth.

Meanwhile, in my ear: "So the whole time he was complimenting me, like more compliments than he's ever given me before. I didn't even know how to respond, I was like, 'Thank you. Oh. Thank you more, again.' Then he starts talking about the years we've been together—"

That's bullshit, I thought, sucking on fingers. Maybe they'd always been together in her mind, but Andrew had broken up with her more times, and in more vague degrees of sorta-kinda-half-temporarily breaking up, than I could ever count or classify or analyze or forgive.

Janiqua Jinny Phonefuck took her slicked fingers out of my mouth, fingered herself for a moment, swung a leg over me, and grabbed my cock to prepare for landing. She pushed her tits forward, arched her back, and slowly eased down, teasing me with suspenseful looks, raising a finger to her lips to shush me while making me want to scream a load into her.

"And then he asked me to marry him!"

"WHAT?!" I shouted. The girl melting down my dick froze with genuine concern, but kept sliding her heavenly pussy further and further to the base of my shaft, in the way you might sit in your seat if your teacher told the class to quiet down. She silently mouthed "Is everything OK?" I shook my head no and she winced out of sympathy (or from my dick being embedded in her).

"He asked me and I said yes!"

I clenched my eyes shut. Fuck, she's gonna ruin her life, I thought. And she wants to. She sounds so happy. Someone I care about more than anything, even more than I care about one night stands, and that's a whole fucking lot, wants more than anything to spend the one life she's got with a total, all encompassing, world-consuming tool.

The nice lady riding my dick could tell something was wrong from my cringing face and the way I slapped my forehead, and started to dismount. But no. While I knew this was a bad situation, someone not fucking me would only make it worse. I put my hand on her shoulder to let her know there was no need to get out of my lap.

Then, I mustered my courage, drew deep from the well of love I had for my best friend, and spoke my mind...

"I'm so happy for you."

"Really?"

"Yep—Yes! That's great," I said, with as much sincerity as I could utterly fake. Juniper the Jumping Dickrider took my smirk as a good sign, gave me two thumbs up and wiggled a bit. Well, I thought, maybe if I fuck this girl it'll cheer me up."

"Hey," I said, "Sorry if I'm just stunned, uh, but it's great news. I gotta take care of something but let's meet up later, OK?"

"OK, yeah, we should," she said. I could tell she was a little confused. We said our goodbyes and hung up. I tossed my phone and grabbed the girl's ass like it could save me.

"Good morning...Juh-juh-juhhhh—"

"Courtney."

"COURTNEY! Got it. I'm Scott, and this is my dick," I said, thrusting up into her.

"Nhhh! Awesome, I was like 97 percent sure it was Scott. That's great," she said, breathing deep and clutching her bouncing, whirling breasts. She had like, tiny adorable bearcub-sized hands, I don't think she could cover even one boob with both of them – it'd just be pathetic to see her attempt it, but also really hot.

"So, mmmm, what was that call about, Mr. Scott with the niiiice dick?"

"My friend wanted to tell me, ohhh fuck, she's marrying a piece of shit. Oh God that's good—your pussy, not the guy." I pulled her down to me and she shoved her tongue into my mouth. We all make fun of porno-style makeouts, but porno-style makeouts are actually great, as we all know.

Courtney's ass was slapping against my thighs loud enough to remind me why I got my own apartment. I remembered which ass cheek had the bruise, then slapped the other one – I can be OCD like that, the handprints have to be even.

She reared back and yelped, getting perpendicular to me again to rise and drop her hot box on my cock.

"And you found out during some no-strings cowgirl?" she asked. "That's intense."

I didn't want to talk about it so I put my thumb against her clit to get our minds off it.

"Oh fuck oh fuck yes!" she stammered, her head dropping as spasms began to wrack through her. She ground down into me, getting closer to the explosion.

"Ohhhh fuuuuuck," she whined, building to a boil. She swatted my hand away and worked her clit while spinning her hips, swirling my dick faster and faster until—"AAAAAAAHHHH-ho-ho-ooo fuck!" She came hard, riding out the bolts of pleasure till she collapsed and rolled off me.

I grabbed her by the waist and put her back on. I bit my way up her neck.

"Can I fuck you from behind while I make some coffee?"

"Ha! Definitely."

At my kitchen counter, she kneeled on the floor mat and blew me (that's why you buy floor mats, right?) while I measured out the beans, dumped them in the grinder, grabbed and fucked her face a little, turned on the grinder, put my balls in her mouth, emptied the ground beans into the coffee press, juggled her seriously delightful tits, and started the water boiler. Then I stood her up, turned her around, slid my cock back up into her, picked those little eye-boogers out of the sides of my eyes without her noticing because I'm smooth like that, and banged her. Fucking Christ this pussy was awesome, a perfect combo of tight lips and soft depths, with a soft bubble ass to protect it from this cruel world, a world where guess what ladies? Not every dude makes you coffee while fucking you, because some dudes are named Andrew and they are the worst.

I guess you can tell I was angry-fucking her. She definitely could.

"Wow! You must really, AH FUCK, not want them to get married."

"Yeah, mmmm, not at all." Even my cock was furious, swelling with rage inside her. I was being a very bangry person.

"Former flame kinda thing? You two ever hook up? 'Cause if she left this, she's an idiot," she said. So nice of her, giving me compliments while I railed her silly.

"No, I got to know her when..." – I was close – "well, when I started fucking all her friends."

Courtney started laughing as I kept slamming away. And yes, it was kind of funny. In the years of friendship with Ash, I'd basically fucked almost every girl she knew. There was the bombshell Lindsay with that long tan body, short little voluptuous Beth with Earth's bounciest rack, Jae the model whose mid-moan face should be on the cover of Vogue, Marie the French girl who loved American beers and dicks, and then another girl, and another... There were... a lot of women when I added it all up.

(In case you've been reserving judgment of out kindness to me, let's just admit: I'm a slut. You could say man-slut but as a manly man I like brevity, so slut it is. And by slut we mean "person who REALLY likes people but doesn't want to marry them," got it? That the formulation Ash and I worked out.)

Anyway, now I was thinking of all the girls I'd ever fucked with

the help of my doomed bestie. My mind was flooded with memories of a metric/tantric fuckton of pounding, and I began re-having all that sex I had, while still having this sex, the sexing that was being sexed at the moment.

Wait, what the hell? Courtney was making the coffee with my dick still in her. The boiler had clicked off, she'd grabbed it, and now was haphazardly trying to pour hot water into the French press with one hand, while holding on for dear life to the counter I'd bent her over in the first place.

"Courtney, what are you doing?!"

"Keep going! I think I'm into the danger of it," she said. I eased up my thrusts to let her finish pouring, and because I had to laugh at the absurdity of this move, which seemed like something Smokey the Bear would've warned against. "Plus, I might need the caffeine to stay awake if you don't cum soon."

"WOW, hurtful," I said with a chuckle. "No worries, I need to cum in your hot mouth right fucking now." I sped up into her, sending ripples across her beautiful ass, with its Chinese symbol for Hope or whatever, as she screamed out. I pulled out and she dropped into a squat to play with her clit again while with a growl I shoved my cock to her tonsils and blasted hot cum down her throat.

"Fuck yes! Suck. Suck that cock." The dirty talk made her grin (as much as she could with a dick surging into her mouth) and, head bobbing, she slurped away, gulping down shot after shot of me. With a giggle she popped my cock out of her mouth to ask, "Could I have some coffee with my cream?"

I high-fived her. Terrible joke, perfect timing, she got a high five. We had coffee, tried to remember the night before, confirmed she was 24 to my 30 but we both use face lotion and did burpees between commercials so that's good, promised we'd each do weird kitchen stuff to all future sexual partners, and returned to my bedroom to get dressed. I looked at my laptop and saw Ash's finger, an engagement ring SHACKLING IT, on Facebook, and closed it.

Courtney was heading for the door and said, "Hey, I'm heading out but we've got each other's numbers, and I think we both understand how this could happen again, but also what it won't end up being, so..."

"Totally, that's all fine with me," I said, smiling as I pushed her back against the door and, distracting her with a kiss, unzipped her jeans. She unzipped mine to stroke my cock and said, "Quick." I pulled her pants down to her knees and her thong to the side. I hitched her up on her tip toes, she pushed her hips forward, and started fucking her as she dug her nails into me.

Each thrust pushed her against the door with a bang I'm sure anyone in the hallway could hear. I chuckled at the noise, so she decided to made more: "YES! Oh fuck me, fuck me harder! AHHHH!" She screamed like a porno-banshee. "Plow me! Plow my wet, dripping, very damp, super-moist, uhhhh, cunt? Let's go with twat! Yeah, plow my slick twat with that huge cock, like a farmer who plows his fields with his big thick dick for some reason! Fuck me exactly that way! Fuck me, oh fuck me, please keep fucking me!!!"

I was loving it. I didn't know my neighbors, fuck 'em. And her pussy, I mean, twat, felt amazing with her legs close together like this. I kept stroking into her, gripping and bouncing her ass against my front door's mail-drop slot. Her eyes rolled upward. Maybe I'm just that good, more likely she was just thinking up what she said next: "OH YEAH, fucking GOD, shovel that dick into me, shovel it, like you've got ten minutes to dig a mobster's shallow grave! Mmmmmm! Your dick is huge! Does your dick have a Rascal Scooter to get around Walmart? 'Cause your dick is that massive! Oh YES, what an awesome birthday I'm having! I'm getting fucked hella hard in my aforementioned twat, plus as of today I have the right to vote!"

That's what got me. That and the amazing sex, but wow – gentlemen, if you ever have the chance to cum till your balls ache while laughing till your stomach hurts, do it. As I unleashed inside her I grabbed the doorframe and shoved into her again and again and again and again, feeling her walls grip and release me as she whispered to me, "Yes, give me that. Give it all. Oh my god, your cum feels so good in me. Please..." I pulled out and kissed her, reaching down to play softly with her clit till she gasped, a small orgasm that fluttered across her eyelids as I licked her nipples.

A couple minutes later she'd tongued my cock clean and was waving goodbye. As I closed the door, from somewhere down the hall came the sound of clapping.

I went back to my room to change into pants with a bit less fuck-sweat on them, and flipped my laptop back open to look at that ring again. Then I saw I had an email. It was from Ash:

"Hi guys! As you may have heard, I just got engaged! The wedding will be this summer, none of this long engagement BS, and I just want you to know that I want you all there, I love you, this is crazy, I might go crazy but will try not to, but if I do, like I said, I love you. Because you're my friends! And I need you. I promise not to become Bridezilla, please tell me if I do. OK, sorry if this sounded crazy, I need to go call/email everyone else, yikes. Love, Ashley."

And I took a deep breath, and said, "Ashley, God damn you..."

Not because she was getting married, not because she was marrying an idiot, and not because her email was a bunch of ditzy nonsense. The dashed-off thoughts of someone living the craziest moment of her life so far are allowed to be a little wacky.

No, I spoke such harsh words aloud because she'd emailed me and every one of her friends. This was "the email to the friends," and I'm sure she had to email many other little subgroups of all the people she knew, so she couldn't put a ton of thought into it. But she put all the recipients of the Friends Email in the To: field, so we could all see each other's names, not in the Bcc: field, where we wouldn't all know that Ashley considered her friends to be: a few other guys, a bunch of girls, and the one guy-friend who'd slept with pretty much all those girls.

So, reallllly looking forward to this wedding.