Author’s note: This story is true to the best of my recollection although time and my limited, male perspective have clouded the facts.
While Psych 4610 was the easiest class in many respects (no tests and few papers) it was hard because it required me to really analyze myself. Each class required thought and preparation, because the majority of class was a group session. If you were not prepared the group would know it and would be merciless.
I had not prepared as well as I should for today’s lesson, but really I could not think of anything. We were supposed to divulge something about ourselves that we had never told anyone before. I always felt fairly open and had no real secrets, so what would I tell? Besides, I had two extremely close friends, and they already knew EVERYTHING about me.
Class began with the rules for this session, particularly that nothing said here could be divulged, outside of class, under any circumstances. This lesson is about trust and a violation of that trust is grounds for a failing grade. That being said, we arranged our chairs around the table and began.
I started since no one else volunteered. “When I was seven I stole some candy from the local store”, I began, “my Mom caught me and made me go back to the store and apologize to the owner. I was so embarrassed that I could barely look her in the eyes.”
I guess I am still embarrassed since I never told another person.
The group nodded appreciatively and asked a few polite questions but I soon realized that my disclosure was anything but risky. We moved on.
Jim was next. Jim was a perpetual student whose goal in life was to never have to repay his student loans. To accomplish this he stayed in college. He was old (to my, then young eyes) maybe forty-five, and was working on his third B.A., this one in Psychology. He already had one in History and another in English. He was very distinguished looking with salt and pepper hair and a matching neatly trimmed beard. He was thin, tall and ruggedly handsome with sort of a Sam Elliot look. He was quick with a joke or would help a friend in need with a warm smile and an attentive ear. He was also supremely self-confident. It was strange to see him fidget and struggle with his words as he nervously pulled a sheet of paper from his notebook.
“I have been feeling a little run down lately” he began “so I went to my doctor for a checkup. One thing led to another and I had to have dye injected; they took pictures of my heart. From that, the doctor came to this conclusion,” He turned the paper over and on it was a drawing of a heart that had several markings on it and percentages alongside. Jim explained how the doctor found that he had eighty to ninety percent blockage in the main arteries of his heart and would require at least a triple bypass operation in the very near future. He was discussing this with his family and girlfriend to decide what to do and what, if any, other options there might be.
We all sat there in stunned silence for a while then asked a few questions and expressed our genuine concern for our friend. Jim assured us he was on top of it now and would be taking the appropriate actions.
Next was Elizabeth. Elizabeth was in her mid thirties and divorced. She was looking for a new career and chose to get her degree in Psychology as a start. She hoped to be a counselor in the future. She was conservatively dressed, attractive and friendly, but a little too shy for my tastes. Her eyes began to water as she tightly clutched her hands together in front of her.
“I have been taking some of my coursework at night” she began. “One night last semester, I was leaving class and heading to my car when I was approached by one of the foreign students, from Iran, I think. He asked me out to have a drink and to go dancing with him. I told him no, politely, yet firmly, and continued to my car. He stayed with me and began making suggestions as to my appearance and how all American women were whores and just wanted to know how much I wanted to satisfy him.
“I ignored him and hurried to towards my car. Then he grabbed me by my arm and clamped his other hand over my mouth. He dragged me to a van nearby and threw me inside.” She paused to regain composure. The tears streamed freely down her face now; we all hung on her every word.
“He tore off my clothes and…”she sobbed and blurted out, “raped me.” After a moment she continued smoother and more confident now, “He told me afterwards that if I told anybody, he had half a dozen friends who would swear he was with them and whether he won or lost the court case they would come to my house and rape me in front of my children before slitting our throats like the ‘pigs’ we were.” She broke down with this as one of the girls in the class hugged her. “Until, now I have never told another soul” she whispered.
Again stunned, we all sat within our thoughts. I cannot speak for anyone else but mine centered on how insignificant my problems have been and how small my stolen candy must have seen to Elizabeth and Jim. I also wondered, “What can possibly be next?”
Del Monte was the next to speak. Del was the least known to me personally, as he was another non-traditional student. He was in his late 30’s with brown hair and a huge mustache that seemed to take on a life of its own. It practically eclipsed his mouth except for when he laughed, which was often. He also had a hippy type persona that made him shy away from establishment. I was a student senator and the editor for the paper so for students, I was about as close to the “establishment” as I could get.
He paused before he spoke as if to gauge the trust of the group then began, “Several years ago I lived on a terrific ranch in Montana. It had everything: its own well, its own electricity and abundant food. I could live there for years without needing anything. Unfortunately I decided I did need something and grew a beautiful marijuana crop. It did better than I expected and attracted the attention of some passersby. Well, they told someone who told someone and next thing you know I am in the Sheriff’s office trying to cop a plea. I ended up spending a year on probation and having to attend drug counseling sessions.” He looked up and added, “I have never told anyone that about that.”
My reaction to his story was not nearly as dramatic as the others. Del seemed like the type that I would suspect as having done time, so I was not really surprised. Still it was quite an admission that he easily could have hidden. I was feeling even smaller about my stolen gum.
The last person up was Nancy. Nancy was a thirty something stay at home mom looking for a second career. She had always been nice but, well, she lived in a different world. We really had nothing in common outside of Psychology. She blushed a deep crimson as she began haltingly. “I have been married for twelve years to a wonderful man. We have an OK sex life and neither of us had had many lovers before we were married. I was a virgin.” She blushed again and continued.
“Anyway, the thing I have never told anyone else is that I have a medical problem. I am unable to have an orgasm; I have never had one even though we have tried. We tried so much that I started to fake it to please him and, well here we are. “
While the others at there stunned, I could not help but analyze this from a medical perspective. I had been a lab tech for six years and like the movie Doctors, I thought I knew at least as much as the real doctors did. So I asked, “Do you have the usual sexual organs: Labia, clitoris, etc.”
“Yes,” she replied.
“Well,” I continued, “do you lack sensation or feeling when you are touched in those places?”
“No,” she said, “it feels quite good and I can get aroused in the usual sense, but I have never experienced the clinical orgasm like it is described in the books. No screaming, no blinding lights, just that it feels good and stops when he does.”
I could not let it go, I had to ask, “Well how about by yourself, have you tried using your own senses to guide you?” “Yep,” she said, “still nothing.”
I was genuinely confused, part of her statement about a medical condition made sense but she did not describe anything like that. It seemed either psychological or a matter of technique and experience. Most likely it was both. I was single and 22, I knew everything, and so I told her my theory. She seemed to consider the ramifications as the bell rang and class broke up. Instead of the usual break and run everyone seemed to want to talk so we met back at the union. We talked about our various revelations until everyone had to go except Nancy and I. Our classes were done for the day so we just talked some more.
She had not said much since I revealed my theory. Instead, she had participated in figuring out how to deal with all the information from everyone else; my bubble gum theft was not mentioned. She asked, “so you really don’t think there is anything physically wrong with me?”