It was a titman's dream come true - a mountain town where every young woman was gifted with immense, bountiful, bodacious ta-ta's. My assignment? To find the cause of this epidemic and to put an end to it!
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I had a couple of hundred assignments during my over ten years as an epidemiologist with the National Institutes of Health, but no single case stands out in my memory quite like the Carolina Tit Epidemic of 1982.
It began simply enough. It was a morning in May of 1982 when a new investigation request first crossed my desk. A country doctor named J.D. Suggs had written to the Institutes to request our assistance with a problem in his community. "It seems," Dr. Suggs had written, "as if our remote mountain lumbering community is suffering from a statistically improbable incidence of macromastia!"
Let me pause here to explain - for the benefit of those of you who aren't physicians and who don't have a medical dictionary available - that "macromastia" is simply Latin for "big tits." While an uncommon medical condition, it's certainly far from a rare one; it typically occurs once in every few thousand women and its origin is usually hormonal. What distinguished this particular situation as unusual was its frequency. According to the good doctor, the condition seemed to be afflicting every young woman in his area, between the onset of puberty and their mid-twenties!!
As a medical epidemiologist, I knew after reading the request that it would be my responsibility to track down the epidemic's cause. But as a died-in-the-wool titman I also knew it was a project that I would be undertaking with a more than professional eagerness!
After booking my travel plans by telephone, a short commercial hop out of Dulles International put me as close as possible to the rural North Carolina town of Coopers Gap. It was a rental car from there on and as I drove, the analytical side of my mind surveyed the genetic and environmental possibilities that might explain this unlikely situation. Meanwhile, my tit-loving thinking center - you know, the one wedged between the tops of my thighs - could only eagerly anticipate viewing the results.
It was the latter thought center that first zeroed in on Mona, standing by the roadside with a hitchhiker's thumb extended.
Her crudely lettered sign, eagerly held chest-high, read "Cooper's Gap." I don't normally pick up hitchhikers, but Mona's sign, pretty young face, and my desire for companionship swayed me. A quick rearward glance at her in the mirror as I passed and pulled onto the shoulder confirmed that I'd made the right decision!
My delighted eyes were treated to an inspirational vista of perfectly-shaped young assflesh packed into an obscenely tight pair of faded denim cutoffs. Fully half of her fine young rump hung out beneath the cutoff's frayed bottoms as a pair of pink and perfect hemispheres that were positioned atop a World Class pair of legs!
It wasn't until Mona opened the door and climbed into the passenger seat that I noticed the rest! Where the cardboard sign had obscured my view earlier, my unbelieving eyes were now feasting on an unobstructed vista of the two meatiest mammaries that I'd seen in months!
The sleeveless mens' undershirt she wore as a top did little to conceal the shelf-like projection of her massive flesh balloons; it was like trying to hide two identical copies of the Goodyear blimp under a circus tent. Her tits' cantilevered form jutted perpendicularly from her ribcage and at the tip of each hemispherical cotton bulge, the shirt was tented by jutting finger-thick nipples. The rose-hued duskiness of both nipples and areolas were simultaneously visible through the flimsy fabric.
My lower brain drank it all in.
"Hi... Mona McCluskey!" she blurted out enthusiastically in a heavy Southern accent, noting my fixed gaze at her bra-less whoppers and unconsciously readjusting her top for maximum effect.
"I hope I'm not embarrassing you..." she gestured toward her shorts and top, "but it's kind of warm and muggy today. Besides, my Momma always says: if ya got it, flaunt it! How far are you goin'?
"All the way...I hope!" I responded directly to her massive mammaries. "I mean... all the way to Cooper's Gap. And by the way, my name's Walt...Walt Carter."
"Pleased to meet you, Walt! Not many rides up this way, you know. Especially not with good looking guys!" Her eyes flashed suggestively. "Since you're going to Coopers Gap, too, suppose you can drop me off at the medical clinic? I just got off nursing school for summer break and I'm gonna work there with Doc Suggs."
"Well, you're really in luck because that's who I'm coming here to see!" I replied, marveling at how small the world can sometimes be.
"You're kidding! Really? What for?"
"Well, Mona, I'm a doctor, too, and I understand that the young women in Coopers Gap have a problem."
"Problem??" she inquired, wrinkling her cute little upturned nose, her blue eyes flashing inquisitively.
"You know...problem..." I said, making a backhanded gesture toward Hooter Heaven.
"Oh, shoot, you mean these little things?? Hey, this girl's got no problem at all compared to some of my girlfriends! You'll see!" she smiled, settling back into the seat and splaying her knees to either side to give me a clear crotch shot of the narrow strip of faded denim that lay centered there.
That denim strip wasn't even wide enough to conceal the fact that Mona was a natural blonde.
The latter view brought a sudden rush of blood to my lower brain that threatened me with a crotch blackout! But what echoed in my mind was the blonde beauty's three words: "These little things...". My eagerness to survey the problem jumped up five notches...as did my Peter Meter.
Mona and I quickly settled into a relaxed conversation, but despite her sensual drawl and casually flirtatious manner, it became disappointingly clear to me that there was no roadside quickie in the offing. Instead, we passed the time in sightseeing - she'd point out the window at one mountain panorama or another, and I'd take advantage of her turned head to ogle her own personal mountain panorama: a horizon-to-horizon vista of jutting jumbo jugs. The southern view of her scarcely disguised mound wasn't bad, either!.
When we finally rolled past its town limits sign a couple of hours later, I noted that Cooper's Gap looked like just about any other small North Carolina lumber town: generally run down. It had the look of an area where the average income was just enough to make ends meet and have a few beers on Friday nights. The only thing that clearly set it apart from a dozen other nearby backwoods towns was the physical appearance of the scantily-clad young women parading about on its downtown sidewalks. I quickly concluded that to be young and female in Cooper's Gap was to be mountainously stacked!
"Yes, Dr. Suggs, there is truly a statistical improbability here, " I mused.
By the time I pulled the car up in front of the doctor's small office, my unbelieving eyes had already feasted on well over two dozen improbably immense sets of jugs. And it wasn't just a few of the young women who were so bountifully endowed, it was all of them! Of the dozen or so that I noticed, the smallest set of tits were probably DDD-cups...and their "small" size was only due to the fact that their petite possessor couldn't have been an inch over 4' 11"!
I quickly unloaded my gear from the trunk and was escorted inside the clinic, eager to discuss this unusual situation with my fellow professional.
Contrary to my expectation, Dr. Suggs turned out to display a handsome youthfulness that belied his 50-plus years. After a few short introductions, he left Mona with Millie, his similarly stacked receptionist, and ushered me into his small office.
"By now I'm sure you've had a chance to observe the scope of our problem, Walt!" he said with a wry smile, offering me a chair and placing a stack of health records on his desk in front of me. "Let me share some hard data; from what I can figure out, it looks like this started around 1979," he said, opening the top medical chart. "And I believe this one was the very first!"
He gestured toward the chart's opening page:
Name - Sarah Winterston
Age - 24
Height - 5' 5"
Weight - 115
Measurements -- 36-DDD/20/32