Author's Note: There is special formatting representing an online dialogue and email messages below. The special formatting is in italics and is preceded by '>>'.
The Boyfriend
[Chapter 1]
I needed a break. A break from the mundane, from the everyday, and yes, the responsibility. I love my baby girls, well, they aren't babies anymore, to death, but being a single mom 24/7, 24/7, 24/7, week in and week out without hardly a break or a late night adult conversation, or dare I say more, is maddening. I love my life, but when I'm honest with myself, it isn't what I thought my life was going to be. But, it is what it is, and I came to the conclusion a few months ago that I need to break out of the every day conservative routine I've been in, and start living a little. Get a little crazy. Hey, I don't have to tell anybody how crazy.
So, I signed up on Match.com again, a not too crazy dating web-site. Match has been great for me. I've been on there for several stints over the past few years and have met some of the most wonderful people anybody could ever hope to meet. So now, I'm looking for something really specific, and hopefully really simple.
I want a smart, funny, sexy boyfriend. That's it. No strings, no long-term anything (though it's not out of the question, of course) just a nice connection, great chemistry, and a temporary period of exclusivity.
My old handle 'truelove1967' isn't really reflective of my new objective so I put in for a change. I'm kind of proud of my new handle, Overdu; as in overdue for some passion in my life; and I am.
Turn Ons? How about Boldness / Assertiveness, Brainiacs, Candlelight, Flirting, Power, Thunderstorms, and Skinny dipping.
Turn-offs: Sarcasm. Why don't guys get that?
Have kids? Well, I'd prefer not, but I guess let's cast a wide net and see what we catch.
Discreet Relationship? Weird question. I'm pretty sure I'm not interested in a married guy, but discreet can also mean casual, right? I am just focusing on the now.
I finished filling out the questionnaire...Now, onto the profile.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
>> I'm a fit professional that enjoys the outdoors, movies, dining out, reading,
>> and travel, especially weekend trips to another town. I think I am overdue
>> for a steaming hot, passionate romance, and friendship.
>>
>> I want a smart, funny, sexy boyfriend. That's it. No strings, no long-term anything
>> (though it's not out of the question, of course) just a nice connection, great chemistry,
>> and a temporary period of exclusivity.
>>
>> Have you ever known such a reasonable woman?
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Post!!!!
[Chapter 2]
Ding, Ding, Ding. If I could get a quarter for each response I could make some serious money. I received well over one hundred responses to my personal ad in a matter of days. I was fishing for a no-strings boyfriend and it was like I threw chum in the middle of a pool of sharks. It looks like there is no end to the number of gentlemen, and not so gentlemanly males, that would be happy to accommodate me. Old ones, young ones, tall, short, athletic, and not so athletic.
The responses fell broadly into two categories: First the caring, sensual, and sensitive man persona which includes guys who 'have serious intentions, but really liked my honesty'; ummmm, yeah. Then, there is the sex god whose only interest is to make sure I climax; and I'm having just as hard a time believing that.
Some guys had the audacity to send me explicit pictures of their body. OK, not their entire body. Why did I not expect that? Does that actually get some women excited? I want to send back a note asking if the picture was 'actual size'.
Delete, delete, delete, delete, delete, delete. And there it was, the one response that stood out. I hadn't even read the note, just opened the attachment to see what he looked like and it opened up Microsoft Word. It was a text file; a story. The title: 'The Boyfriend'. This man sent me a short story starring me, and my fantasy relationship.
I'm a little taken aback by the effort this guy put into this story. How long did he spend on this thing. Of course, I'm flattered. How many people could he have possibly spent so much time, just to make a first impression? But, what if he's some kind of weird obsessive stalker type?
I am also intrigued. Instead of introducing himself and trying to cast himself as the caring, sensual, and sensitive type he shined a light on his imagination and the intensity of his personality through the telling of his story, or my story that is. His name is Stan; or at least that's the first part of his handle.
I clicked on his profile.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
>> Wanna walk, run, blade or golf?
>>
>> Height: 5'9"
>> Body Type: Athletic
>> Status: Divorced
>> Age: 42
>>
>> Looking for an athletic/fit female for walks, runs, blading, or golf.
>>
>> I just moved into a house near Lake Nokomis. I've been spending
>> all of my time fixing it up, and exercising around the lakes. If you exercise in and
>> around Nokomis say hi and we'll go for a walk, a run, a ride, a blade; you name it.
>>
>> I'm also learning to Salsa dance. A recent tip... "Try to get in sync with the music."
>> Ummm ... thanks.
>>
>> I have two stunningly cute daughters who have taught this introvert so many things
>> like ... saying I love you everyday won't actually kill you.
>>
>> Someone stumped me the other day when they asked me: What do you do for fun?
>> I said...I run, walk the lakes, blade. And they said..."No, I mean for fun."
>> 'I work on my house. Design new ways to redo my kitchen, master bath, or the living
>> room.' And she said. "No, I mean for fun."
>>
>>
Then, I was stumped. WHO ACTUALLY HAS TIME TO HAVE FUN?
>> I'm busy doing stuff.
>>
>> So, probably the most fun I have is 'having leisurely conversation'. Although, it may
>> also be animated, challenging, philosophical, layered with inuendo, intense,
>> flirtatious, loud, full of swear words, empathetic, drawing tears, and/or about
>> absolutely nothing.
>>
>>
The second most fun I have is to write witty, flirtatious, silly, and outrageous
>> emails...which invariably go unanswered. I'm not totally sure, but I think I must
>> scare people.
>>
>> The third most fun I have ... never mind ... no it's not what you are thinking,
>> but probably just as disturbing.
>
>
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Hmmm, I'm certainly athletic, but I didn't exactly say that I wanted to work out all the time; he sounds like a bit of a fitness freak. Perhaps, like all of the others, the no-strings caught his fancy? Do guys have a fancy?
Accch. He has two kids. I wasn't sure if I wanted a guy with kids and I'm even less sure now. It's hard enough for me to get away for a little while, but coordinating two schedules can be a bear.
I do like his sensitivity, or I should say seeming sensitivity. Talking about how his girls have opened new doors and admitting that he struggled with I love you's takes some guts. If that's true, I bet he struggled with hugs and other affection. Now that I think about it, he's probably making a broader statement about his ability to exhibit affection. Formerly standoffish Mr. Stan? But now there's a whole new you? Interesting parallel in the name.
So, the most fun he has is 'having leisurely conversation' ehhh? I guess I did say in my profile that I really love nothing more than talking with smart, funny people. He wouldn't have customized his profile just to snare me would he?
And the second most fun is flirtatious and outrageous emails? Well, I'll give him that. Although I'd say the emails with the suggestive statements and the X-rated body parts are also outrageous in an incredibly unoriginal way.
Over the next couple of days I found myself drawn back to the story he sent again and again. I'd be at work and pull up the copy I had emailed myself. I'd be at home online and instead of looking through more profiles of the 'sensitive' guys I'd bring up the story and read parts again and again.
I knew I got something bad when I printed it out and carried it with me.
I couldn't put my finger on my fascination with it. It's not like he nailed who I am and my life; how could he from a half-dozen concise and precise sentences in my profile. And, it's not like he was a really beautiful writer. His prose was fair, but a little too linear and lacked the flowery detail and ability to tap my emotions that I prefer in my favorite authors, as well as, frankly me; I'm an author and writer myself after all. His sentence structure is awkward, and his overuse of semi-colons and quotes is a bit maddening. I should talk to him just to straighten out his writing. I found myself fixing the errors and sprucing up the dialogue.
I'd guess he probably always fantasized about being a writer but then ended up in a very different profession. Is he a laborer, an executive, an engineer, or a full-time loser? Probably not the first or the last, there's sophistication in the way he thinks that says "I have a job and it's not pouring cement." Not that there's anything wrong with that. I smiled, remembering the Jerry Seinfeld line. Of course that made me remember that part in his profile that said we could talk about 'absolutely nothing'. Another Seinfeld fan perhaps?
I kept coming back to asking myself the question: Why did he end the story after our first meeting? And, why did he have me coming on to him in such a tawdry way? I would think that a guy that thinks he's so smart would want to show how sensitive and caring he is. Instead, he stops after one of the strangest 'conversations' in a coffee shop ever and turns my whole 'relationship' into a cheap fling.
Maybe I should write the next chapter and get the thing back on track? My track.
