The Best Porn Film Ever

I'm feeling a little better now. Must have been something I ate. Or didn't eat.

My dream about the space station was so good, I thought I'd try and make it happen. So I dashed off a quick movie outline, based on my fantasy, plus some of the details of my life, fictionalized to make me anonymous for now.

I don't really have $40 million to spare, and despite the fantasy, my visa card won't handle it. So I hatched a scheme to raise the money upfront. There is some risk that my idea will be stolen, but such is life.

I fire off a PG version to Disney and Sony studios, to their respective "idea" departments. Either of these companies could front the money of course, but it kind of spoils the story a bit. I warn them to be discreet as we wouldn't want NASA to get wind of it. We'll be dealing through the Russians of course, they don't care what you do as long as you pay.

I fire off the X-rated version to Vivid and a couple of the other big porn companies. The biggest of these is pretty tiny, and I doubt they could finance the trip, but it is only fair to give them the opportunity.

I'm surprised how quickly replies come back. Here is what Sony said:

"We are very impressed with your script idea. However we don't see it as big box office with you and your wife as stars. We are thinking Leonardo di Caprio as you, and Lucy Liu as Tina. I know he is a lot shorter, but in space you don't stand up much anyway. Of course this means you wouldn't actually get to go to the space station, Leo and Lucy will go. We have our writers do the treatment, but we are prepared to offer you $100,000 for the script outline. Please let me know as soon as possible."

Disney's reply is almost the same except they propose Ben Stiller and Steph Song as the stars, and they offer me $150,000. Ben Stiller? I was thinking someone a bit more macho like Will Smith...

Vivid's reply is:

Great idea. But $40 million? Our average budget to make a film is $25,000. If we use special effects (forget real space travel) and rent the "Vomit Comet" for the critical scene we can probably do this for $150,000, not less. The plot will change a bit. You will be a couple of rich porn stars on their honeymoon. You'll fuck each other, but also the other astronauts you find up there, male and female. And of course you will not be in the film, we will use Ana Lee and Dick Cockburn or some other stars with actual porn credits. I'm prepared to offer you $1000 and 10% of the net profits, as determined by our auditors.

I looked up the "Vomit Comet". It is an airplane with an open, padded interior, which is used to train astronauts for weightlessness. By going up to a high altitude and then diving at exactly the speed of free fall it can produce weightlessness for up to 3 minute. It rents for $10,000 an hour. That probably only gets you 6 to 9 minutes of weightlessness.

The other two porn studios say about the same thing. One proposes using computer generated images to "fake" the weightless scenes. I'm not all sure what to do. Maybe I should clean it up a bit and try and write a novel, get it published or do it as an ebook. Either way it looks like I grossly overestimated its value. I wish Tina was here to advise me, but I might not hear from her for a while, apparently she is on some sort of retreat.

If we get this resolved, look out for part 3.