I wasn't in a good place.
Understand that this doesn't absolve me of my guilt. I knew that then and I know it now. But, that doesn't change the fact that it may well have been some of the best sex of my life. The taboo, the risk of getting caught. I couldn't get enough.
I had known Alex for the better part of the year at this point. In yet another bid to find my calling, I was taking programming classes at my university. Turns out, I was terrible at it. By the time I came to that particular realization, it was too late to drop the classes, so I swallowed my pride and asked Alex for help. Despite his demeanor, and looks, he was more than willing to help me out. Standing roughly my height, his dark brown hair came down past his shoulders, and his whole wardrobe seemed to consist of band t-shirts, whose names were nigh indecipherable. We really hadn't talked much, but it was well known that he was gifted at programming, and as a bonus, the few times we'd talked prior to this, he maintained eye contact without his gaze drifting down to my breasts, unlike so many of the men living in the dorm. All that to say, I figured I could trust him, and he would be willing to help.
He agreed to help me in return for beer. It was a deal.
Even though programming didn't work out, and I dropped out of that particular program, Alex and I remained friends. I'd spend hours in his dorm with his roommates and later on, my friends to watch B horror movies, or do homework while he played video games. He never seemed to have any homework. As it turned out, he had a girlfriend who still lived at home. She opted not to take the college route, but didn't want to move to the city, so long distance it was.
I had gone through a brutal breakup in the fall of that year. Coincidentally, the long distance relationship I was part of ended in a text conversation. My ex didn't have the nerve to call.
So, I was off dating for a while. No crushes, no flings, no emotional baggage.
Our friendship continued through the school year, and eventually, I started bringing him and his roommate to a friend's house to party. It was a bit of a sausage fest, so I was glad to have two other guys with me, to watch my back. Many balls were thrown in beer pong, many drinks were drunk and good times were had by all.
On this particular night, Alex and I went together to a party, his roommate had a date. We'd been spending a lot of time together, and he always seemed to be on the rocks with his girlfriend. Apparently, she was incredibly insecure, and worried about him cheating constantly. It sounded exhausting, having to be available at a moment's notice to comfort someone who panicked because your last text came after two minutes instead of one.
He said she was usually better after they could physically see each other, but it had been quite some time.
"I know the feeling. I haven't had any real fun in like... 4 months?" I grimaced and counted on my fingers. It really had been awhile. An additional layer of complication came from the fact I could never quite nail down my roommates' schedule. Even flying solo became a risk, since I didn't want her to catch me with my pants down so to speak.
"It sucks. But I'm surprised that you aren't able to find anyone to hook up with. I'm sure one of the guys at the party would be down." He looked sideways at me, seeming to gauge my reaction.
I shrugged, "Eh, they're off limits in my book. If I sleep with any of them, I know the others are going to hear all about it, and I just don't want to deal with the awkwardness."
Alex nodded, sagely. "So they'd have to keep their mouth shut?"
"After, yeah, definitely. During? I'd prefer my partner to make at least a little noise." It slipped out before I could tone down the flirt in the joke. All the time I'd been spending with Alex had me crushing on him a bit. I knew he had a girlfriend and I didn't act on it. I couldn't. Shouldn't?
He took it in stride, "That's why I send my roommates packing when my girlfriend comes by."
Good. Not awkward. I felt my cheeks flush, relieved that I hadn't overstepped, but a little disappointed that he didn't take the bait.
'The warm weather is just getting to you, that's all,' I told myself. The weather was finally warming up and I could reasonably wear shorts and a tank top again, and I was taking full advantage.
We arrived at the party, and teamed up for a few rounds of beer pong. Like most people, I'm better at pong when I'm drunk, so I made a concerted effort to get there before I lost too many times and had to strip, per the house rules.
I'm a happy, handsy drunk. Not gropey, but shoulder touches, hugs and compliments abound. This night was no different.
I took my shot at the remaining beer on the table. The ping pong ball was damp, and I had one eye closed, better to focus my blurry vision. I hadn't realized it, but while my right hand was busy aiming, my left hand reached out to steady myself, finding purchase on Alex's shoulder. Unsurprisingly, I missed my shot. I quickly realized where my hand was and brought it back down.
In my disappointment at missing the shot, I took a step back, but was stopped by a hand at my lower back, keeping me from backing up into someone. Alex was standing so close, I could feel his breath on my neck. Just a single breath, and I started to get warm again. I could feel my cheeks flushing 'It's just the alcohol' and my groin began to grow warm too.
I leaned in towards Alex, "I have to hit the ladies room."
He nodded and I stumbled off towards the bathroom. After taking care of the normal business, I looked at myself in the mirror. My eyes were bright, cheeks flushed, and I was having a great hair day. My tank top hit all the right places and, damn it, I looked good.
Still facing the mirror I spoke out loud " Don't do something stupid just cause you're horny." I nodded my head at my reflection, as if reflection me had spoken. I had this. I would just get drunk and have a great time and once the morning hits, I'll give the old hook up with randos thing a shot. I opened the door and stepped out.
"Who's up for another game of pong?" I cried as I approached the table. I felt his hand again, at my hip this time, almost touching my backside. I couldn't help but smile. He seemed to have noticed, and his touches grew bolder. From my right side, his left arm reached around my back to touch my left hip as we both faced our new opponents. I felt the heat building at my core, a wetness starting to spread. I tried like hell, but I felt his soft touches, his close, but not quite where I needed, caresses and simply couldn't focus enough to make the shots.
'Two can play that game' I smiled to myself. I started with his shoulder, using it to steady myself. As his touch became bolder, so did mine. I slid my hand over to Alex's chest to steady myself, feeling his heartbeat quicken under my touch. I glanced sideways, trying to subtly see what, if any, reaction he was having. His eyes were on me, but there was no eye contact. My tank top, while modestly cut, still showed a fair amount of cleavage. His eyes were locked on the little bow of my bra, just visible from his angle, looking down. I took my shot and as I leaned back he slowly worked his thumb into the waistband of my shorts, just at the front of my hip bone. He was standing so damn close and I knew he was breathing gently on the back of my neck on purpose, now. I was putty. I had never been teased like this before. The combination of alcohol, the lack of touch I'd experienced the last few months, and the forbidden nature of this flirting had my engine running.
By the time we were ready to leave, it felt like I might have been able to wring out my panties. I was keeping it cool though.
"You were handsy tonight" Alex broke the silence. The quiet of campus at 2AM feels liminal. As if we'd glitched out of the matrix for a few minutes.
"Psh, you're one to talk" I slurred as I gave him a playful shove. My eyes were taking him in, almost for the first time. And in a way, they were. For the first time (that I was willing to admit) I was looking at him with want. With lust.
I noticed the way he held himself, not hunched over a keyboard like usual, but upright, shoulders back. He was walking with a confidence he didn't normally have.
"Did... did you want to come back to my room? Sober up with a movie or something?" My voice rose. I knew I shouldn't ask, and knew he should say no. But instead, he looked me in the eyes, and said "Yeah, that sounds good." I smiled, and held his arm, the better to steady myself for the walk back to the dorm. He smelled of his cologne and cheap beer. Has his cologne always smelled this good?
My roommate was out of town, so we had no need to keep quiet. Good thing, too, because I dropped my keys trying to open the door, making all the noise a drunk person only makes when they're trying to be stealthy.
