Submission
I used to think that I was only submissive in the bedroom, and that the goal of my submission was in essence my own pleasure. I spent years 'topping from the bottom' and trying to convince or entice my wife into the sexual situations that I found intriguing at the time. Sometimes I was successful, and sometimes not, but always there was a lingering sense that I was missing the point of the exercise, and that I would ultimately be happier if I simply allowed myself to truly submit to my wife's likes, dislikes, desires, hopes, and dreams in all aspects of our lives together. It took years for me to allow myself to make that sentiment real, but ultimately we are all better for it.
Let me set the stage:
I am submissive, clearly and completely, and there is no denying that fact of my existence. I love my wife wholly and completely, have never cheated on her, and never would, but I have absolutely kept things from her and lied about them for years.
My wife, Gwyneth, is also mostly sexually submissive, but very in control in her daily life. She has a high-powered job and good income, but she is generally more collaborative in her work than domineering. She is a consensus builder and enjoys making things happen by including others in the decision making and finding ways to succeed through discussion and sharing of ideas.
I really just want to be told what to do. Unfortunately my libido is much stronger than hers, and this has led to some of the biggest conflicts in our marriage. I also have a kinkier mind, and more willingness to share and act on my kink than she does. For example:
I wear lingerie under my male clothes when I am able, from simple panties under my male boxers in the summer when I'm wearing shorts, to full stockings, garters, panties and bras under my male clothes in the winter when there is more to hide the signs. I've experimented in full crossdressing, and cleaned the house in heels and dresses wearing lipstick and light makeup.
Gwyn found out about my lingerie wearing years ago when I was a little slack in my cleaning and tidying after doing some of my private laundry. She was concerned initially when she found lingerie drying on the ironing board, but I was honest quickly about the fact that it was mine and that I had been wearing, purchasing, and fantasizing about lingerie since I was a teen. My dream from that moment on was that she would occasionally take it on herself to buy lingerie for me as presents, and to push, guide, force me to wear lingerie for her pleasure. I even took my fantasy as far as her making me her maid, and sexually using me for her pleasure whenever she liked.
The reality was that on occasion I would dress for her, and she would respond with excitement and it would generally lead to great sex, but she was not willing or able to make that happen herself, or even really tell me that she would like me to do it more often.
I enjoyed buying lingerie for her, and she enjoyed wearing it, but it was occasional wear, not daily wear, and she would rarely buy anything sexy for herself. She doesn't see herself as a really sexual person, and cannot see the physical beauty that I see in her, where I am still excited after 25 years together at the sight of her lying in bed on her side with no covers on. I want her sexually all the time, but our reality is a much more limited sex life and it is a reality that I have come to accept, even if it has been a long time coming.
I have purchased a variety of sex toys over the years, from a buttplug (with the hopes of exciting her enough to let me fuck her ass) to high end vibrators, and nipple clamps, and some rope and a mask as an opening to some bondage in the bedroom. Gwyn has always enjoyed when we use toys, but rarely initiates their use, and many of them were only used once or twice. Some of the toys received a lot more use, but only by me when I was alone. As I sit here writing about submission, I am dressed in heels and lingerie, wearing the stainless steel plug I bought for Gwyn and the nipple clamps. The plug in particular has been a favourite of mine for years, and I've learned that with good silicone-based lube I can keep it in most of the day without discomfort. I have worn it at least a couple of times each week for the past several years. I have even worn it out on a couple of dates along with lingerie, and she is always excited by my initiative, but still unwilling to lead the way into further discovery of my kinks and fantasies.
I want for Gwyn to tie me down, gag me, spank me, and fuck me in the ass. She knows this fantasy, and she knows that it is both exciting and a little scary for me to share my deepest fantasies with her, but this goes a little beyond anything she is able to make happen. I know that she enjoys the 'idea' of fucking me, as when she is hot and bothered, she really likes to pin me to the bed face down and ride my ass to her own orgasm, grinding her pussy into me and rubbing her clit on my ass as she makes herself cum. Unfortunately, the final stage of dominating me where she straps on a silicone cock and penetrates me is still too hard for her, so I wait in my submissive way, hoping that one day the opportunity and desire will present themselves and I'll find myself penetrated with her weight pushing into me as I squirm underneath her, bound for her pleasure.
It should be clear at this point what the nature of our relationship is. Deep love, deep desire, and deep respect are at the core of our marriage. In my case there is also a constant longing for the next sexual boundary to be crossed. I have confessed to her my desire to be tied, spanked, gagged, and flogged. She knows that if she merely signalled to me to fall on my knees and lick her pussy, I would be there in a moment, face deep in her, tasting her, cleaning her pussy and asshole with my willing tongue. I am hers to command, but my realization over the past several years has been that I am also hers to obey in much of our non-sexual life as well.
We have always had a great give and take when it comes to decisions in our lives, from the big things like houses and cars, to the small things like where to eat dinner. What I have realized recently though is something about the nature of my submission. While we are equal partners in so many ways, and I have never hesitated to share my feelings or opinions about the overall direction of our lives, there is a point at which I just go along with all of her suggestions, whims, and interests. When we bought a car recently, we had a lot of discussion about what type of car to buy, electric vs gas, car vs SUV, etc., and we made the big financial decisions and needs assessment together, but when the time came to look at the accessories, colour, trim of the car, I went along immediately with any suggestion Gwyn made.
Our decision making has always been similar to that. It is how we chose our house, our living situation, our work situation, and how we deal with family and conflict. We have lots of discussion to find consensus on what our best options are, and from that point Gwyn's chosen details are always the direction we go. I would rather lie on my back with her weight forcing my tongue deep into her, creating pleasure for her in any way that I can, than argue with her about the colour of a car, or where we put plants in our garden, or who we should visit for Christmas. When I look back at 25 years together it sometimes astounds me how much of our lives together has been made simpler by my submissive nature, and how the rare real conflict that we have had has usually revolved around our sex life.
One odd exception to that description of our lives together has been what and where to eat. When Gwyn is hungry, she is almost incapable of making simple decisions like picking a restaurant. She is always capable of turning her mind to big life or death decisions, but 'pizza or Thai' can be an impossible dilemma, and I have often been the quick decider of food options. I think it's funny that this is one place where my submission comes in the form of quick, decisive implementation of a food plan, because otherwise we'd starve to death while Gwyn muddled through the decision process getting hungrier and hungrier.
Submission as a lifestyle, in a female led relationship, is about way more than sex. While I long to be bound, disciplined, dressed, and fucked by my loving wife, I always am aware that it might happen and it might not. I also know that I continue to be surprised by my willingness to succumb to her desires and to ignore my desire when she is not in the mood or ready to push boundaries. I am hers, in all ways, and forever.
PS - before I published this story, which is really more of a love letter to Gwyn and to our relationship, I showed it to her for editing. I also thought it was a wonderful encapsulation of the genuine love I feel for her. She told me to not publish for a few days until she had a little time to think about it.
Two days later, she planned a date with me and I think it's a great add on to this story.
Gwyn picked me up from work, and took me home. The house was empty and she told me that the kids were at their grandparents for the night, so the house was ours alone for the evening. She asked me to open a bottle of wine and pour for both of us, and then to bring her wine to the bedroom. When I got there, I could see that she had been shopping for a few things and that she had been considering the nature of our relationship and coming to some understanding about my sexual needs, and about my submission.
She spoke, and she had obviously prepared what she was going to say. "It's hard for me to actively take control in our sex life, as I don't get really excited until I am really excited - if that makes any sense. I read your story, and I can see the genuine truth of it, and today I am going to try to do something for you that is hard for me, and I'm going to take a more active dominant role in our experience and what happens this evening.
Tonight you are my lover, my slave, my chef, my girlfriend, and my partner. I will make all of the decisions, and I have a plan as to how tonight will go, but your input is important and I will never push too hard, but I am going to push you. I've been working on this for two days, and I am exceptionally horny, and I want nothing more at the moment than to sit on your mouth and cum all over you, and I likely will as the evening goes on, but for the moment, I want to draw things out a little.
Strip off all your clothes and stand naked in front of me."
