It felt weird missing something he didn't even know he missed. The sun had finally fought its' way through the enemy swarm of dark clouds that unleashed their fury on the sleepy Iowa town. To his delight the rays of golden light brought forth thoughts of things that could happen, and better yet the ensuing trip to a zoo in a few days elicited a wave of excitement.
A sudden glance around the dining room told him all was well. The couple behind him were enjoying their lunch while engaging in some light conversation that lead to soft laughter. Mariachi music filled the other emptiness from the blue tooth speakers. It did not fil that small empty cavern in his heart though, as he looked back at the couple and realized he wished to have that spark with someone.
Not that he didn't feel that spark currently. The major problem with his current situation was that he was interested in one who was not interested with him. Of course it hurt, especially since she claimed it was his age that meant they could not be together. This was simply something out of his control. Had it been his weight, or the length of his now flowing locks, or even his full beard- these are all things that could be changed. But age, age was an opponent he had no way of competing with. There was no way of changing his age to be older or her age to bring her younger though she looked nowhere near her actual age. He had been defeated before even getting in the ring. With a sigh on that thought, he went back to wiping down his table.
This was an unsettling feeling. He had been alone now for almost a year. The two prior relationships were disasters in their own right. The first had been with a married woman who turned insane on him. Sure he shouldn't have been involved in the first place but she felt emotionally safe. Since she was married there were no real expectations to conflict the pure animalistic urges each felt for the other. It was supposed to be a fling nothing more. Of course things never work out as they should and low and behold the death of the relationship left him scarred even more so than before in more ways than one.
That was of course the real first time he had let his guard down since "The One" threw his heart into a blended destroying it forever. She had been beautiful beyond anyone he had ever fallen for and it truly felt as if they were each-others counterpart. He wished to explore every aspect of life with her, to be completely lost in her eyes and heart, and fulfill every one of her desires. Never before had he felt for a woman what he felt for her.
The very last girl he had dated was one of his best friends. And while they made good friends they were not compatible for anything more. The conflicts they faced were emotional and personal. They clashed in every aspect of a relationship life. Money views were different, religious views were worlds apart, even the aspects of a sex life were counter-productive. For him a healthy sex life was at least 4 to 5 times a week. In their eight months together they had sex twice.
Of course his sickness probably had a lot to do with it. His body rejected all forms of touching at times. But there were also the emotional pulls as well. He felt forced into saying things that should have just flowed naturally. He didn't feel the flow of love, but the strain of trying to swim upstream. To make matters worse his kids, and rest of his family for that matter, really cared about her. But one can only pretend for so long. Sadly he broke her heart despite both people being unhappy.
All of these thoughts flooded his head as he robotically wiped down table after table. The mundane task was completed with minimal effort and even less passion. What he wouldn't give to feel passion in his life, and even more feel it returned. Yes the crazy girl kept messaging him but he had given her his heart only to have it smashed into smithereens before. He knew that song and dance and did not wish to replay it. His friend still hung out with him and it at times felt too familiar. He didn't have those feelings for her even if she did for him. Not to mention the voices in his own head telling him how ugly he was and how he had nothing to offer anyone which is why he was alone. The hand moved automatically in the motions of cleaning while the mind went endlessly into these thoughts.
A bolt of lightning suddenly shook his mind. No this was not an actual shockwave, but defiantly a thought breaker. He had felt this wave before, almost like a premonition or a wave of God warning him of danger. He looked around and suddenly all thought from before escaped his mind.
A silver SUV was parked across the street. This unto itself was nothing alarming. The shock was seeing who was behind the wheel. Well in all actuality there was no one behind the wheel, but someone sitting in the driver's seat, sideways as if they had been riding sidesaddle on a horse. She was a vision even from this distance.
Her dark skin accented her light blue shirt. The silky black of her hair was braided again this time in one braid unlike the two she had worn the last time he saw her which made his blood boil with desire. Her glasses framed her dark eyes, which made it harder to admit she could not be his. For some unknown reason to even himself he had a fetish for girls with glasses. Yes, across the street was in fact the older object of his current desire. He had no idea how long he had gazed at her, but he did slowly acknowledge the fact that others were in the room with him.
"Sir, sir..." came the request from somewhere outside his current mindset.
"Yes, yes..." he stated with a start. "I am so sorry. Got lost in a train of thought there. What can I do for you?"
"She would like a box, and if we could get our check that would be great." Requested the male customer still seated at his booth.
"Of course. Right away. Again I am truly sorry." And with that he was of in a hurry to retrieve the requested items. It took a mere moment to get the box, write the slip and get the credit card. A few brief moments later the card had been swiped and he was waiting on the machine.
During this brief interlude his mind wondered again to his Persian beauty. He called her that for he had no idea her nationality but if he had to guess she was Native American or Mexican. However he had a deep affinity for the middle-eastern region of women and so called her Persia to settle those desires.
In his mind he hoped she would come in to eat. It was almost a desperate plea to the universe to compel her to want to come in for it would be a possible indication that he was on her mind as much as she was on his. Oh what a delight that would be, not to mention a much needed boost to his ego.
A different version of this played out in his mind where she would walk out of whatever store she was shopping in, see him in the window, and stop and wave. He would then walk across the street to say hello, but instead a thought would carry him on.
Deaths hand could grip anyone's life at any moment. He had become re-aware of this concept with the sudden passing of a kitten he was bottle feeding and caring for. Fiona had only been in his life a brief time but the love he felt for her was still strong as he rooted for her to beat the odds. He wept at her passing hoping that she was burned on his heart forever.
