Split Tree Resort Wedding 01

Split Tree Resort Wedding 01

Hello, I'm Nate, I'm 22 and ta da, I'm a half owner of a landscaping and lawncare service, I work hard and I work hard in our heat, so, I drink plenty of water and I keep up with my medical exams and that has nothing to do with how Mrs. Miller is the head nurse at the Clinic. Well, it might have a little to do with it, but I blame the way life works out because Mrs. Miller only had a daughter and was never a game night mom and that's just not fair.

[Wednesday before the destination wedding weekend at the resort, inside of the Clinic and at Head Clinic Nurse, Millie's open office door]

"Knock, knock, mm-hmm, Head Clinic Nurse, Millie, mm-hmm, I can see that your younger crush, Nate, mm-hmm, has an appointment with you today, mm-hmm, a mere two days before your tryst with him this weekend at the resort destination wedding, mm-hmm, so, are you ready to confess and sexually cut loose now, Head Clinic Nurse, Millie, hmm?"

"OMG, Attendant Nurse Mitzi, Nate is not my younger crush and it's just a happenstance that we will both be attending the same resort destination wedding this weekend, the end! And stop sounding like my daughter, sheesh."

"Mm-hmm, mm-hmm because the last time your stud crush came in for a routine checkup, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, his heartbeat was elevated, mm-hmm and his blood pressure was mm-hmm, boom, boom, boom elevated, mm-hmm and he was totally, totally ready for you to give him an oral sperm count exam, mm-hmm!"

"OMFG, that's enough, Attendant Nurse Mitzi! But is my head nurse's hat on straight, hmm?"

"Mm-hmm, mm-hmm! I'll run through his preliminaries when Mr. Trim & Fit arrives, mm-hmm and advise when you, mm-hmm, when I have him in an exam gown in exam room 5, mm-hmm!"

"Oh, and Attendant Nurse Mitzi, mm-hmm, keep the preliminaries professional, mm-hmm! Oh, and by the way, mm-hmm, you need to take a refresher course about why we have a male patient turn his head to the left and cough, mm-hmm! It's an exam and not a hand job, for Pete's sakes! Mm-hmm!"

Well, I like to keep current with my medical exams, you know, since I'm 22 and at risk for very little. But my real purpose for my Wednesday appointment was to, that's right, make my big move on Mrs. Miller, mm-hmm and that's right, my big move was weak because mm-hmm, I was going to ask Mrs. Miller if I could refer to her as Millie for the resort destination wedding weekend, mm-hmm.

"However, Attendant Nurse Mitzi, mm-hmm, um, I mean, I never, um, yet, so, um..."

"Mm-hmm, Head Clinic Nurse, Millie, I promise you, mm-hmm, your 24 years drought of a man who can get it up, mm-hmm, are over this weekend, mm-hmm! Well, your drought will be over if, mm-hmm, if one of you makes an actual move and have a weekend tryst, mm-hmm!"

Mm-hmm, I just said that I was prepared to do my part with my big move, didn't I, mm-hmm? LOL.

Anyways, just to get the end of my saga story out of the way, it was a destination outdoor wedding down at the Split Tree Resort, between my uncle Ray and Kim Kimber and it was actually a lovely and smooth event.

And if your question is, is it really a destination wedding when the event is held at the Split Tree Resort, well, my answer is, hell yeah it is! What's not to love about an outdoor wedding ceremony when there was a perfect grassy area for the ceremony, right? Not to mention the three plus days where everyone had their own cabin for the entire weekend, right?

And just to say something else about it, the wedding planner company did a great job and basically did everything, including providing the rows of white chairs, the banners, the garland, the cliché everlasting love signs, the magical arch, the mystical light and dark sand that the bride and the groom were to mix together in an hourglass to prove that their love is never ending.

Or maybe it was the arch that was mystical and the mixing sands that were magical, I don't quite remember, but either way, ta da, I was the one who had the assignment to carry the two beaker tubes of the light and dark mixing sands to the whimsical mixing table after their first bride and groom kiss and I didn't drop them, so, yay for me.

Anyways, my uncle Ray and Kim Kimber got married under the mystical and magical arch and may they live happily ever after and if not, I didn't curse it by dropping the vials of mixing sands, the end.

Well, the end would be after I learned to put my phone in airplane mode during the quick Friday night rehearsal because I almost missed exactly when I was supposed to stand up and make my way to the corner behind the whimsical arch to grab the proof of true love beaker tubes of light and dark mixing sands. And apparently, making a mad dash to golf courses sandpits was not a good backup plan! Sheesh, brides to be can be so excitable.

And that's enough about the wedding ceremony that went seemingly flawless. Except for how I'm convinced that using a professional wedding planner company is the way to go.

So, back to the Wednesday prior to the resort weekend, my big move and a fireball.

[The Clinic front door chime jingle, jangle]

"Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, you're right on time for your heartrate test, mm-hmm, your blood pressure text, mm-hmm and I've scheduled an oral sperm count test, mm-hmm, but damn it, Nate, you have to chip in by making a real move! And I'll announce your arrival to your MILF crush, I mean, to Head Clinic Nurse Millie, but first come lean over my reception area counter and have a good whiff of my cleavage crease because I snagged Head Clinic Nurse Millie's perfume and dabbed it deep in my cleavage crease so that you would know what to expect during your resort tryst, mm-hmm, this weekend, so, come have a whiff sweetie."

Well, I had to search online what a tryst is first and it sounds almost exactly the same as a "things go bump in dark" to me. And it doesn't matter what I did second.

[The Clinic front door chime jingle, jangle]

"Oh, OMFG, Attendant Nurse Mitzi, stand down this instant! My mom's crush is not a mammogram machine!"

"[Shuffles with her uniform] oh, well, I mean, Billie Maye, I mean, I mean, um, a bumblebee flew down the front of my open uniform and Nate saved my life, the end, so?"

"Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, I can tell that something was going all "buzz, buzz, buzz" in your impossible and alluring bimbo cleavage crease, mm-hmm! Where's my..."

"[Squeak, squawk] attention, code red, code red in exam room 7, code red, Attendant Nurse, Mitzi, hit the big red button and get Head Clinic Nurse Millie into exam room 7, STAT! And bring me a piece of your bimbo bubblegum [squeak, squawk]"

Well then, that was different because I never heard that...

"[Squeak, squawk] sorry (chuckles) Attendant Nurse, Mitzi, but bring the crash cart too, STAT because this guy is in trouble [squeak, squawk]"

[Smacks the big red button horn and flashing red light, blurt, flash, blurt, flash, blurt, flash, blurt, flash]

Well, that would catch someone's attention because...

"Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, I forgive you, Nate for being a man over a bimbo body, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, just like how you're going to, mm-hmm, forgive me for saying, OMFG, I'd love to a bimbo for even just one day, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, but this is perfect, mm-hmm because you and I need to talk in private about this weekend and mm-hmm, it's mostly a one-way conversation, mm-hmm."

Did I mention there was a fireball coming, huh? Yeah, Mrs. Miller's daughter, Billie Maye.

"Billie Maye, I'm innocent because..."

"Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, just stop talking, Nate because my friend, Carlie, and myself, mm-hmm, did the research, mm-hmm and I know that you're worried about some weird dotted line ancestry tree sketch connection between my mom and yourself, mm-hmm, once my auntie Kim gets married to your uncle Ray, mm-hmm and we solved it all for you, mm-hmm, so?"

Well, at least Mrs. Miller's daughter, Billie Maye, came right out with how it was going to be a one-sided conversation, so.

And damn! I did not think of that. I barely remembered that Mrs. Miller was the sister of the bride to be! But that ancestry tree sketch falls apart when a second marriage enters the picture, right?

"Mm-hmm, but it's okay, Nate because the ancestry tree sketch falls apart when a second marriage separates the tree branches by two bloodlines and my friend, Carlie, mm-hmm and myself created an ancestry tree sketch to save you from your lust over my momma, mm-hmm, that's right, because I know a few things, so?"

"I mean, Billie Maye, I mean, I mean, I mean..."

"Mm-hmm, just stop talking, Nate and look at this legit ancestry tree sketch [whips out a crumbled sheet of paper] that my friend Carlie and I created, mm-hmm."

[Moves in closer and mm-hmm, guarantees that the conversation will be one-way by splitting her boobs with Nate's left arm, mm-hmm. And there's nothing wrong with itty bitty titties since they technically still split around an arm]

"Um, Billie Maye, this is a lot of broken pencil lines, um, some dotted lines, ooh, dot-dash-dot lines and several squiggly curly que lines, so, um, what's the answer then, huh?"

[There is a slight movement up and down the boobs separating left arm]

"Mm-hmm, if you can't read between all of these broken pencil lines, mm-hmm, it says that you can be my mom's resort weekend boyfriend, step family guilt free, mm-hmm, when extra time allows for that, mm-hmm and I even signed the sketch, mm-hmm, which means I approve of your weekend tryst with my mom, mm-hmm, so?"

"Well, Billie Maye, I'm at a loss for words. Well, all except for what do the red ink squiggly and dotted lines mean, huh?"

"Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, I'm glad you noticed those red ink squirrely lines, Nate, mm-hmm, because they clearly show that although you can sneak around with my mom, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, there is still a weird connection between you and myself, mm-hmm and because you never had a younger sister to spoil and since I never had an older brother to spoil me, mm-hmm, the red ink squirrely lines means that you should start spoiling me because as of 3pm this Saturday, mm-hmm, I will officially become your illegitimate step cousin sister, two bloodlines removed and this sketch proves it, so, have I said anything false yet, Nate, hmm?"

Um (chuckles) folks, is there really any such thing as an illegitimate step cousin sister, huh?

"Oh, I mean, Billie Maye, I agree with the absence of a younger sister spoiling thing and I agree that the ancestry tree that you and your friend, Carlie, created looks more like one of those endless looping hypnotizing circular spinning wheel circle things, but I'm not convinced that the illegitimate step cousin sister thing is real or will it hold up in court because..."

[More conversation cheating movement up and down Nate's left arm]

"Mm-hmm, just stop talking, Nate because you won't win, uh-huh and listen, as a suggestion, mm-hmm, the second thing that you're going to spoil me with is a shimmering royal blue box with an activated and fully charged e-phone22 inside of it, mm-hmm and you'll spoil gift that to me when you approach our wedding reception table, mm-hmm and ask my momma for a slow dance, mm-hmm and as the best ever illegitimate step cousin sister ever, mm-hmm, I will forgive you for having two left feet on the dance floor with my momma. Also, the shimmering royal blue box is a serious social status selfie photo op, so, don't mess that up, okay Nate?"

I mean, did I dare ask what the first spoiling thing would be, huh?

"Oh, I mean, Billie Maye, since I'm just to shut it then, I mean, the first spoiling thing doesn't even need to be..."

"Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, the first thing you're going to spoil me with is a resort Friday night Demin mini with a slit on the left thigh because trust me, mm-hmm, there is no way in hell that I'll be joining the other offspring in the lockdown movie night after the rehearsal dinner in the Community Hut, uh-huh, so, you can talk now, Nate."

"Oh, this is perfect than, Billie Maye because, mm-hmm, you're going to trust me to purchase the correct Denim mini skirt for you, mm-hmm, because I can see it now how I mess that up by browsing the Pilgrim section, as you say, mm-hmm!"

"Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, first, grab a Denim mini and then put it right back down because that choice will be for when I'm 32, mm-hmm and then do the same thing with your second choice, mm-hmm because that selection will be for when I'm 27 and then go the counter of the Denim Mini Skirt Shop on the Strip and say "Belinda, do you have a ready for pickup order for Billie Maye Miller?" and then Belinda will cash you out, mm-hmm, almost the end, so?"

LOL, did I dare ask about "almost the end" folks, huh?

"Oh, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, because your best chance of having extra private time with your resort woman, mm-hmm, is for me and Carlie, mm-hmm, to attend the resort's male and female staffers Friday night hayride, mm-hmm and bonfire dance party, mm-hmm, so, do you need a good ice breaker, Nate, since you and my mom can't figure out how to get things rolling, uh-huh, mm-hmm, so?"

"Well, I'm a very sophisticated illegitimate step cousin brother, so, um, I don't need an ice breaker to break the thick ice, Billie Maye, but, um, I mean, for comparison reasons only, I mean..."

"Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, just approach my momma during the rehearsal event and say "hey, Mrs. Miller, would it be okay if I call you Millie this resort weekend?", mm-hmm and I almost promise you that the bees will follow the birds to go bump in the dark, mm-hmm! Goodbye, Nate."

Damn! That actually sounded reasonable. Especially since that's exactly what I came up with! The "ready for pickup" order wasn't reasonable, but it fit into the rear seat of my truck.

Also, huh, the hustle and bustle in the Clinics hallway looked just it does on TV with the running and the screaming of "clear, clear, clear" and the banging around of the life saving equipment, so, huh, TV has it right.

"[Exits commotion filled hallway fiddling with hair and nurse's hat] oh, I mean, Nate, um, there was an incident down at the dive bar and the Darts Throwing contest loser was a sore loser and we had to extract seven darts from the winners forehead, so, um, we haven't even made the gossip club list yet, so, um, I'm not worried about spending a weekend with you in the neutral territory of the Split Tree Resort and um, that's as much as I can say, so, um, you should talk now, so?"

"Oh, I mean, Mrs. Miller, I mean, will it be okay if I call you Millie all weekend, huh?"

"(Finally, my stud crush made a move!) Oh, of course, but I should at least get a slow dance for that privilege during the wedding reception this Saturday, so, sure, um, we'll have to factor in how only referring to me by my first name plays out if you refer to all the others by their full name, but that's just a minor infraction on the gossip's club top ten hitters, so, um, we should reschedule your exam and um, I mean, I'm a nurse no matter where I am and no matter how dark it is, so, um, Nate, so, you talk again, okay?"

"Oh, um, because Attendant Nurse Mitzi had all three exams scheduled, so, yeah, I don't see why you can't perform all three exams on me, um, say like in my resort cabin, um, after the rehearsal dinner or something, so, it's your turn now, Mrs. Miller, I mean, Millie, so, yeah."

"(Fucking Attendant Nurse Mitzi and her sperm count exam!) Well, Nate, we'll also have to factor in the weird ancestry tree connection that we're about to enter into, but, um, I mean, if you're up for it, I'm up for it (cringes face over having said it like that], um, because, um, Nate, so, um, screw it, if I can figure how this weird step family connection, mm-hmm, I'm looking forward to actually having a weekend tryst with you, um, if you're not worried that I might be labelled as your zig zag line step, step, auntie, so?"

"I mean, Millie, I got it all figured out! Well, Billie Maye and her friend, Carlie, got it all figured out and I have an official ancestry tree sketch and everything! Let's look it over, shall we?"

[Whips out that crumpled up sheet of paper and holds it for their viewing pleasure]

"Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, if you let my daughter spoil wrap you around her fingers, Nate, mm-hmm, I'm staying out of that! But let's see what those girls came up with because I'm terrified that our tryst will get found out, only to find out that I'm some sort of squiggly line illegitimate step, step auntie to you, mm-hmm."

[Snuggles up, mm-hmm, and shows how it's done when using a man's left arm to split a set of boobs! And much larger MILF boobs too!]

"Let me see that sketch, Nate! [Points to trace all of the funky lines] mm-hmm, that line is pretty squiggly and looks safe, mm-hmm, and that's an awful lot of dots, mm-hmm and mm-hmm, this line is more like morse code than a family connection, mm-hmm, oh, what's on the back of the official "things can go bump in the dark without guilt" sketch document, hmm, Nate?"

[Flips the piece of paper over and SOB, there were more legit tree lines! And it was a tubular squirrely tunnel circular sketch with a bold red arrowhead line running through the middle of the tunnel of love and pointing at two sketched people on a dance floor!]

"[Views the back of the "it's legit" ancestry sketch] well, SOB, Millie! There it is! A blood red arrowhead line pointing right at us on the dance floor and the redline arrow goes right through the squirrely tunnel of love! And (chuckles) they drew me with two left feet!"

"[Peers at the official "it's a legit tryst" sketch] well (giggles), mm-hmm, I mean, my boobs are not that big, but my wedding reception dress will be that low cut (giggles), so, um, whew, this might be legit because..."

[Exits the hallway of life saving commotion, mm-hmm, with her stethoscope dangling from a different place than most nurses carry it, mm-hmm]

"Hey everyone, we saved another dive bar customer! Anyone want to play darts? Or listen to my heart beat, mm-hmm, the other way, which is the best way, hmm? Or maybe explain to me just why you two love birds are not making time in exam room 3, hmm? Or should I just measure his sperm count myself, hmm, Head Clinic Nurse, Millie?"

Well, that helped. LOL, it also helped that the examination room chair was on wheels.

[The very professional Head Clinic Nurse, Millie, turns the patient's head to the left. And gently slaps the patients face for making her wait so long]

"Mm-hmm, cough, Nate [squeeze, fap-fap-fap, squeeze]"

"[Cough] argh, aha, argh [cough]"

"Mm-hmm, cough again, Nate [squeeze, fap-fap-fap-fap, squeeze]"

"[Cough] argh, OMG, argh, OMG [cough]"

"Mm-hmm, push forward through my hand and into my mouth, Nate, [squeeze, fap-fap-fap-fap, squeeze, fap-fap-fap], if that's how Attendant Nurse, Mitzi, does it because mm-hmm, that's the end of that now, mm-hmm!"

Hah, push forward, LOL! I thrust forward!

End Split Tree Resort Wedding 01