Split Tree Resort Spice

Split Tree Resort Spice 01

Hello, I'm Rodger and this story starts out with some advice about sitting on the couch and becoming completely engulfed in sports on TV and not paying attention to what else is going on around you because unexpected surprises are always looming just behind you and they have a habit of...

"Rodger, honey, mm-hmm, we need to talk."

And now I'm introducing my lovely, yet sneaky wife, Luanne, 27, same as me.

"Listen, honey, we need to talk because plenty of people have told me that this was coming and I think we would both agree that after six plus years of marriage, I mean, a little spice in our bedroom life might save things, so, love of my life, I'm not saying our sex life has become stale or anything like that, not at all, but I'm giving you a blank, yet signed free pass to conjure up your line up list of internet anime babes and I promise to do my part to um, bring the spice in costume, so? And to help keep you from struggling with your thoughts, your list can be the internet versions of the anime babe or babes of your choice and not the scrawny TV series or family anime movie characters, so, honey, go!"

Well, well, well, talk about how I did not see that coming!

"OMG, Luanne, I love you too and maybe we could use a little spice in the bedroom, but you can't expect me to develop such a spicy list in my head with three seconds of notice! But off the top of my head, I mean, I'd marry Aunt Cass, yet carry on a long-term fling affair with Ann Possible, which would allow me to 'accidently' slip into her daughter's bedroom, Kim Possible, a couple of times a month because that little super hero cheerleader just defines the spice with her bubble butt and it might seem weird, but I always personally deliver a package to Maddy Fenton since it was 'accidently' delivered to our porch, especially on pool cleaning day since that's when Maddy wears her amazing slingshot green bikini, but then I would hurry home because you hired Dexter's Mom to clean our house while wearing her famous rubber yellow gloves. Oh, and then, of course, that Saturday, at the beach, which Trudy Trudell drove us to, I'd sponsor a 'stretched to the max' challenge between Wendy Corduroy and her famous red lifeguard swim suit and Helen Parr and her battle uniform and I mean, if the judge was Raven, with her alluring grayish skin and killer leotard battle uniform, I mean, if Raven were to sit on my lap while she was judging, I mean, nobody has a booty like the internet Raven has booty and then all that leads up to flirting with Spider Gwen at the water cooler at work on the following Monday, which is right across from the utility room and all and since Spider Gwen figured out this weird way of holding herself to the wall with her squirting spiderweb goo strings and then after that, I mean, I stop by the Lava Java Coffee Shop where Annie Hughes has taken over as the manager, even though she constantly forgets to wear anything under her green coffee serving apron, I mean, honestly honey, I need more than a minute to come up with something worthy of a spice it up free pass, Luanne, sheesh!"

"Well, OMFG, Rodger! And by OMFG, I mean, what the fuck because I was expecting to hear you say to hear you say something like Little Bopeep with her frilly sleeves and her white nylons or maybe even Little Red Riding Hood with her sexy red caped outfit, so, sheesh back at you, Rodger!"

Oh (chuckles), did I say too much, folks? Was I supposed to hold something back?

"(Chuckles) or, or, or, sweetie, you could purchase some breathable deep ocean blue body paint and paint yourself deep ocean blue from head to toes and put some older sheets on the bed this weekend, so?"

"Well, just when I thought I was done with screaming out, OMFG, Rodger! Anyways, does this deep ocean blue lady have a name, hmm?"

"Um, Mystic."

"OMFG, of course it is! Because what's so mysterious about a naked blue lady, right? But I'll look into a couple of things because we are not becoming a stale and drifting apart Middleton couple and we're spicing up our bedroom life, come hell or come high water, mm-hmm!"

"Oh, well then, Luanne, have fun shopping at the Costume Shop on the Strip and you know, don't walk past the Tinkerbell rack too quickly, the college aged Tinkerbell costume rack, with the fringes at the bottom of her Fairy costume is about all that covers her booty, I mean, your booty, so, I mean, look around, Luanne (chuckles) and pick out whatever you like, so?"

"Well, I mean, you might get lucky there, Rodger because Tinkerbell has the best color of green and it is quite shiny, but don't get too excited just yet because...

"[Gently drifts down the hallway from the bedrooms] hey guys, I just put your little Jimmy down for his nap and OMG, Mrs. Landers, I see what you mean about how little Jimmy sees a boob, any boob, as a meal, sheesh [fiddles with T-Shirt to prove to Mrs. Landers that she is wearing a bra.] Anyways, what are you two arguing about, I mean, talking about this time, hmm?"

"[Spies the babysitter to make sure she had a bra on because little Jimmy is definitely going to be a boobs man later in life and the babysitter needs to stay in her lane] well, we're just talking about real life marriage stuff, that's all, Lisa, so?"

"Well, it's not like eavesdropping on the two of you doesn't bring to mind [extends hand to collect that babysitting cash] about how a 'spice it up' weekend away might calm things down around here, so?"

Um, folks, I had nothing to with the hiring of 20 years old Lisa as our babysitter. I mean, I didn't fight it either, but I didn't start it.

"Hmm [the wife swoops down onto the hubby's lap before the babysitter could because there may have been a suspicion or two over the last year] well, I'll dig your babysitting cash out of the hubby's pocket for you, Lisa, mm-hmm because..."

Oh, my other advice, leave the room, like quick!

"Alright, everyone, just relax and I'll retrieve the money from my other pants in the bedroom, sheesh."

And (chuckles), eavesdrops back in the hallway. I mean, I perched my ear up against little Jimmy's room to make sure he was sleeping, um, that's what I meant to say.

"What the hell was that out swooshing me, Mrs. Landers? I do not sit on your hubby's lap while I text with my friend's just after my babysitting shift, hmm, so?"

"Well, I suppose we could check the baby cams and all, Lisa, but I'll leave things alone for now since I found a 'beat the 7 years itch spicey scavenger hunt' weekend down at the Split Tree Resort and as much as I don't want you to see me in some stupid 'spice this' costume, mm-hmm, I need you to tag along with us this weekend to watch little Jimmy, so?"

"(Fucking old people) well, I meant just need a little more information about this this 'spice it up or divorce' weekend, so, let's call the resort on your phone and you know, put the call on speaker phone because I need to hear that I have my own cabin to care for little Jimmy, okay?"

[Ring, ring, ring, ring]

"(Fucking young people) I suppose you want to do the talking then, Lisa because..."

"[Picks up call] hello, I'm Giftshop Glenda, answering the resort's phone for my daughter, Twiddle Dee, who is busy going over the ridiculously sexy costumes order with the Costume Shop up in the big city for this weekend's super sexy and spicey scavenger hunt, mm-hmm, so, how may I help you? Also, first, I don't steal Twiddle Dee's boyfriends, but I'm still frisky and appreciate any extra handsome men in their thirties, so, let's proceed to spill it about how bad your marriage is in a do or die situation, mm-hmm! Oh, sorry, I almost forgot, we've maxed out with requests for the redheaded women of the Possible family, so, um, just know that, so?"

"Mm-hmm, listen, Giftshop Glenda, I'm Lisa and I'm with the Landers party, um, I'm the babysitter for the Landers reservation and..."

"[Tap, tap, tap] mm-hmm, aw Fudge Factory! [Tap, tap, tap], we seem to have completely glossed over the babysitter! I mean, men love the babysitter as much as they do a cheerleader! [Tap, tap, tap] I'm sure Twiddle Dee would put the babysitter in the Princess Palace cabin, mm-hmm [hits reserved tab]. I'll have Housekeeping Maria start working on installing an infant sleeping crib and extra clean up towels ASAP then and we'll pay you $400 if you walk around the resort grounds all weekend and only introduce yourself as the 'babysitter' because we're short on time, so?"

[Eavesdropping from the hallway fap, fap, fap, fap, fap]

"Oh (giggles), is that $400 and a secret rustic cabin for the boyfriend and some of his friends that I'm going to sneak in behind Mrs. Landers back, hmm?"

[Eavesdropping from the hallway fap, fap, fap, fap, fap]

"Hey! Well, since my hubby can't stay away from the babysitter, mm-hmm and since I at least get some sex after Lisa leaves, um, well, carry on Giftshop Glenda, so?"

[Eavesdropping from the hallway fap, fap, fap, fap, fap]

"[Tap, tap, tap] mm-hmm [taps reserved tab], as my daughter, Twiddle Dee, would say, next!"

"Oh (giggles), can 'next' be what's the plan for Mrs. Landers first night costume, like at and around the bonfire in front of everyone because..."

[Eavesdropping from the hallway fap, fap, fap, fap, fap, fap, fap, fap, fap]

"[Tap, tap, tap] mm-hmm, it looks like Mrs. Landers is leading the charge for the other women, who might be a little hesitant to expose themselves in spice it up costume in front of others, by prancing around the bonfire and sprinkling her fairy dust in a totally risqué Tinkerbell uniform, but your boss had better bring the booty to over stretch the bottom of the costume to where the fringe is all that bounces off the top and sides of her globes, mm-hmm, so?"

"Hey! Well, my hubby did mention that already, so, carry on Giftshop Glenda."

[Eavesdropping from the hallway fap, fap, fap-fap-fap-fap-fap-fap-fap]

"Oh, she's got the booty for that alright and I hope you didn't gloss over any humiliation costumes or something because Mrs. Landers and I have a humiliation to payback to each other because twice I left the bathroom door open while I showered and ignored how her hubby stood there and peeped on me and..."

[Eavesdropping from the hallway fap, fap, wait, hangs head in shame, stroke, stroke]

"And Mrs. Landers owes me a humiliation payback for how she twice asked my boyfriend for help to operate her fancy Hollywood movie breast pump, mm-hmm!"

"Hey! [Opps, hangs head in shame]"

"[Tap, tap, tap] mm-hmm, it sounds like Tinkerbell forget to wear her skimpy undies then for the bonfire as she spreads her fairy legs, I mean, spreads her fairy dust around to the other men, who still can't turned-on by their wives in costume, mm-hmm! [Whoop, forwards a pix text to the incoming phone number]"

"[Zap, receives the pix text and views] OMG, that's..."

"[Tap, tap, tap] mm-hmm, that's me, in costume as Arella, Raven's mom, just in case the babysitter has a 30 something cousin and I'm sitting on bales of hay because..."

[Eavesdropping from the hallway fap, fap, fap-fap-fap-fap-fap-fap-fap]

"[Forwards the pix to her slightly older cousin Randy] I mean, the babysitter just texted someone I know, who bales hay down on his farm and I'm waiting for his reply, but don't get your hopes..."

"[A fast response text] dang it, Lisa, why do you have such a sexy photo of my near future wife, Arella Roth, on your phone? And why isn't Arella posing on my bales of hay? Cousin or not, I hate you! Also, I promise I would never side slip into her daughter, Raven, bedroom by accident."

"[Tap, tap, tap] mm-hmm, are we done here now, hmm? And don't forget that the world has spoiled my sweet little Twiddle Dee and she must be gifted with swag bags and you know, a possible boyfriend, so, goodbye [click]."

[Eavesdropping from the hallway fap, fap, fap-fap-fap-fap-fap-fap-fap]

"Um, what just happened here, Lisa, hmm? Was that phone sex?"

"Um, I'm not even fucking sure, Mrs. Landers, being just the babysitter, but we're going for it, right? Also, since your hubby has been whacking off in the hallway all this time, I mean, put your mouth somewhere or power wash the hallway carpet because all sex adds up, goodbye."

Well, um, that was phone sex as far as I was concerned anyways.

[Meanwhile, back at the resort to clean up a few things]

"[Ring, ring, ring, answer] hello, this is Martha from EMS Services, how may I help you, hmm?"

"[Tap, tap, tap] mm-hmm, Martha, this is Giftshop Glenda from over here at the Split Tree Resort and I'm filling in for my daughter, Twiddle Dee at the front desk and..."

"Mm-hmm, Giftshop Glenda, the dreamy MILF of our teeny tiny backwoods resort town while the rest of us got fat, mm-hmm and mm-hmm, your queen of the forest daughter, who has become all the rage up in the big city, Twiddle Dee, neither of which you two can walk through town with causing a fuss, mm-hmm, how could I possibly help you, hmm?"

"[Tap, tap, tap] mm-hmm, shut it, Martha and listen. I think Twiddle Dee may have contacted you recently and requested that an EMS van linger around our parts to help with the casualties of our upcoming..."

"Mm-hmm, collect the casualties from the results of the 'beat the 7 years itch or beat off a limp dick' role playing party, that, mm-hmm, that I wasn't invited too! Anyways, what else do you need, hmm?"

"[Tap, tap, tap] mm-hmm, well, just like that, I mean, we have the babysitter coming now and..."

"OMFG, you idiot! Who thought it was a good idea to bring a babysitter into the mix, when the age target of the 'spice this, spice that' couple's weekend is 25 to 30, hmm? I need to contact the police because this qualifies as crazy, especially if the babysitter prances around in pigtails, mm-hmm!"

"[Tap, tap, tap] mm-hmm, oh, as crazy as a certain emergency operator who twice a week, stops by the resort to, you know, to check our handyman, Hank, pulse, you know, the hard way, even though Hank is wrinkled, but less wrinkled than what you have at home, who is probably left behind at home sitting in easy chair with a red plastic cup and two damp kitchen sponges, mm-hmm!"

"Oh, um, um, well, at least we're both getting something, so, um, it's a tie, mm-hmm! Anyways, Miss MILF, I'll schedule a second van to linger around the area, so?"

"[Tap, tap, tap] mm-hmm, and since we screwed up by glossing over the babysitter role playing, I mean, is your daughter, Darla, available to back up the babysitter because she actually has to watch over an infant, I mean, if your daughter, Darla, still looks like Pacifica from Gravity Falls, I mean, she could help out this weekend and earn some cash because..."

[Click. Well, more like a slam, but cell phones just click]

End Split Tree Resort Spice 01