Split Tree Resort Remodeled 04
[It's the Saturday of the resort's big Speed Dating event in the Community Hut, where Coo-Coo actually works, if that hasn't been mentioned yet and the lobby is all abuzz with men and women who have no business attending a Speed Dating event because most of them already have a tan line on their ring finger, but the Split Tre Resort doesn't judge.]
"[Tap, tap, tap] well, this is awkward, so, what would Twiddle Dee do in this situation, I ask myself because I give myself the best answers, hmm? Ah-hah, Twiddle Dee would say the exact same thing, but in a different way, mm-hmm."
[And Coo-Coo is still talking to herself]
"[Tap, tap, tap] attention, resort guests in the lobby, it was my mistake to ask everyone who is here to register for the Speed Dating event tonight, to side shuffle to the left side of the lobby because..."
[Everyone in the crowded lobby, men and woman, hold their position with their heads lowered, while fiddling with their ring finger because (chuckles), nobody wants to admit that they are there for the Speed Dating event]
"[Tap, tap, tap] because what I meant to say so loudly out loud, was would everyone who is here in the lobby, who is interested in the complimentary beverages and appetizers, that will be oddly enough served by coincidence at the same time as the Speed Dating event in the Community Hut, which is where I actually work, tonight between 8pm and 11pm, please side shuffle step to the left, thank you. And there was this one time when I was going to sit on creek's crossing bridge and dangle my toes in the flowing creek water, but then I didn't because I was late for work."
[Everyone in the lobby side step shuffles to the left so fast that the earth wobbled momentarily, even though nobody was there for the Speed Dating interviews event. Well, everyone except for the Pastor's wife, who stood her ground in her perfectly acceptable Pastor's wife dress and her cream sweater shawl draped over her shoulders.]
"[Tap, tap, tap] ahh, that's better, next! And I'm looking at you, you with the perfectly streaked big city blonde hair, who thinks that looking shyly downwards works when it comes to being called next in line, mm-hmm. And there was this one time when I was going to take a golf cart and have a romantic ride around the resort grounds with a boyfriend date, but then I didn't because I didn't have a boyfriend date."
"[Hah, at least I have a boyfriend date back home, you coo-coo clock! Ding, ding, ding] well, I'm Julie and I'm prepared to speak softly about a couple of things and then to speak normally about a couple of things and then to speak loudly about a couple of things, so, where shall we start, hmm?"
"[Tap, tap, tap] oh, we always start with me. Hello, I'm Coo-Coo and I'm normally Coo-Coo from the Coco counter in the Community Hut, but today I'm temporarily filling in at the front desk for Twiddle Dee, yet again, because she's off taking drone flying pilot lessons. And this one time, I thought that a flaming meteor hit the resort, but then I didn't because it was just the nightly bonfire flames. And we can just skip past how you want to speak loudly so everyone can hear you say that you and your cabin mate girlfriend, Luci, are not here this weekend for the Speed Dating event, mm-hmm. I mean, so far, the resort is suspiciously sold out for tonight and with a perfect mix of men and women, yet nobody is here for the Speed Dating event in the Community Hut, mm-hmm. Which is where I actually work, if I haven't mentioned that, so?"
"Well, I mean, well, fine, so, speaking softly then, what's the process like, hmm? And as you just said, we can skip right past the part about how it's no fair of the women to pop a boob out during the 5 minutes dating speed interviews because for some reason, there are rule boards about hat nailed everywhere, so?"
"[Tap, tap, tap] I mean [Coo-Coo lets the hammer and nails in her hand drop], well..."
"But the illustration of the mysterious woman with a boob popped out in oil paint is framing worthy and very meme like and the resort should sell them in the giftshop, so?"
"[Tap, tap, tap] oh, we have a reclusive and elusive visiting artist onsite for an extended stay and she thought that my crudely painted signs needed a little pazazz. Anyways, shall I start with how during the 5 minutes speed interview, where the woman says she likes long walks on the beach, that she actually means the longer they walk, the better chance she has of finding someone better, hmm? Or shall I start with how when the man says he wants to wait to start a family so they can enjoy being a carefree couple, that he actually means he wants as much sex that he can get from you before he dumps you for the grocery store's meat counter lady's daughter, the girl next door, when she breaks up with her boyfriend date, hmm?"
"[Julie] oh, well then, Coo-Coo cha choo, it's silly of me for thinking that a good place to start would be with what to do with the single rose on the interviewing tables because..."
"[Tap, tap, tap] mm-hmm, if the woman wants to explore with the guy further, she picks up of the single stemmed rose and places it in the thin glass vase of water as if to say 'yay' and if the woman wishes to say 'nay', then she dips the single stemmed rose into the flame of each of the table's candles and flings the flaming rose at the dart board, mm-hmm! Also, that just reminded me to nail a dart board up in the Community Hut so the wall doesn't catch on fire, which is where I actually work if I haven't mentioned that [leans over and picks the hammer and nails back up], so?"
"[Julie] um, yeah, you've mentioned that a couple of times now, you Coo-Coo (bird). Anyways..."
[The Pastor's wife heard enough and waited long enough and soft shuffles in her sensible flats towards the front desk]
"[Ding, ding, ding] mm-hmm, I'm Pastor Jim's wife and I haven't even checked in yet and I already want to fill out a compliant card [looks around], so where I find one of those cards, hmm? And by the way, Missy, I've been known to murmur 'mm-hmm' up to five times in a row, so?"
[Pastor Jim's wife stood there in her Pastor's wife long and unwrinkled dress and with her sweater shawl over her shoulders, while holding her purse in front of her with both hands like she was a throwback model from a 70's magazine cover]
"[Tap, tap, tap] mm-hmm [tap, tap, tap] and I see in my system that the Pastor's wives revival retreat is right on schedule, starting at 4pm in the Community Hut, which where I normally work, and ending by 7pm, before the free wheeling 'sign me up for sex' meet and greet starts, so, Pastor Jim's wife, what's the problem because everything seems to be on schedule, hmm?"
"Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, and while you were babbling on and on while trying to organize all these free-wheeling Speed Dating male and female cheaters, mm-hmm, I took a stroll around the Community Hut, which where I understand that you normally work, to check things out for our revival retreat and mm-hmm, a male staffer poked his head out of the resort's laundry room and had the audacity to ask me if myself and the other Pastor's wives would be staying over and my compliant is that I didn't even know how to respond to that because that young man needs a very, very stern talking too, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm and before the other Pastor's wives arrive, so?"
"[Tap, tap, tap] mm-hmm, well, Pastor Jim's wife, if you're asking for my permission to casually stroll back over to the laundry room and knock on the door and kick it a couple of times before you lean pose against the wall for a perfect quick pre-scolding arm hooking inside and all, I mean [makes a sign with her hands, but not a tradition cross sign, more of the tradition blow job hand sign], what do you want from me, especially since a quick arm hooking is how the Pastor's do it while they are away at Alter Boy camp, so?"
"Well, I never! (Giggles) I mean, I never thought I'd ask for permission after I've already done the sinfully dirty deed because as persuasive as that young man named Toby was, he gave me a chance to get away, but I couldn't resist the sins of flesh, especially since Pastor Jim went rogue fag on me the week before our wedding, mm-hmm! Now [eyes in dreamland after finally having sex after so long], I just confessed and revealed my repentance, so, go all 'tap, tap, tap' and cleanse my soul, sweetie. Also, is there a utility room or a garage or a hay barn cabin or a gaming cave or a..."
"[Tap, tap, tap] next!"
[With the raspberry and blueberry lights flashing and the cow bell siren a banging, in pulls one of the two townships squad cars, sputtering to a stop. And it sputtered to a stop because it's a V8 engine, but all the township could afford at the last tune up was six spark plugs]
"[A bumbling cop stumbles and trips through the lobby's double doors] pardon my interruption, folks, but I'm Sherriff McDuff [trips again and does a double front barrel roll and a slip sliding splits, but lands upright] and there is no need for alarm over why I'm here, so, everyone at ease, but stay frosty because I'm Sherriff McDuff and you can't call my bluff."
[Um, nobody in Speed Dating registration line to the left barely even noticed Sherriff McDuff's arrival because the Speed Dating event seems to have kicked off early. And the Pastor's wife already slipped out of the side door anyways to find the tool shed]
"[Tap, tap, tap] hello, Sheriff McDuff, I'm Coo-Coo and I'm normally Coo-Coo from the Coco counter in the Community Hut, but there was this one time when I thought about walking up the stairsteps in my cabin, but then I didn't because only the new cabins have upper floor lofts and I stay in a remodeled original cabin that doesn't have an upper-level loft. Anyways, No-Bluff Sheriff McDuff, how may I go ahead and reject your advances differently than how Twiddle Dee has rejected your advances over the past several seasons, hmm?"
[Coo-Coo takes a moment to scroll through the list of Speed Dating attendees and finds the Sherriff's wife, Minnie, listed and her personal interests are identified as 'looking for a nightstick that still works' along with 'don't be offended if I scream out 'next' like Coo-Coo does because you can get back in line' and everyone's favorite 'mm-hmm, I'm in an open marriage whether the hubby knows that or not']
"Well, well, well, listen to what Sherriff has finally made the resort's female staffers gossip loop [pulls pants up, which is exactly the same as wrestling his pants up] and who can blame anyone when any of y'all hot little staffer chickadees when you can have all this!"
[Waves his two hands down his powdered sugar donut shape molded body, which an overweight middle age guy should never do]
