Split Tree Resort Dino Statues 01

Split Tree Resort Dino Statues 01

[It's a Thursday afternoon at the resort, two days before the ceremonial lowering by crane installation of the large memorial bronze statue of the big momma cat that perished while protecting her cub from a hungry predator, which will be attended by the mayor, Mayor Mookie Mootz and the fancy people from the 'Old Money Society' on Saturday. Meanwhile, a typical big city safari adventure Champagne colored SUV smoothly pulls up into the resort's circle driveway, near the smaller memorial site in the middle of the resort's circle driveway and parks it as the driver sits there and looks around at the resort grounds.]

"My, my, this resort has changed a lot since the early days of our family vacations sure enough. (Giggles) I wonder if the resort staffers are still as rumbunctious as I remember when I was too young for them, oh, [trigger hand points], look, there is the smaller memorial circular half brick wall that surrounds the bronze statue of the ancient momma big cat that..."

[And then the driver is immediately surrounded by the resort's male staffers because it's always slower on Thursday's.]

"[Staffer 1 takes his 1st shot] ma'am, allow me to open your door for you [gently opens the door and immediately eye spies the seat belt effect splitting her boobs] because our beloved staffer, River Rapids, told me personally to keep my eyes on the prize and that the prize was a glass of the bubbly Champagne [glances down at a hiked-up driving skirt, a very hiked-up long drive skirt] and here you are, ma'am, as promised and here I am for you, at your service, ma'am."

"[The woman tugs at her seat belt] oh, um, opening my SUV door for me is such a gentlemanly thing for you to do, young man, so, thank you because..."

"[Staffer 1 takes his 2nd shot] and might I add, ma'am, staffer River Rapids told us that you are a doctor without telling us what kind of doctor you are and I may have been hoping that you would arrive here at the resort today while wearing a white smock, a stethoscope [continues to check out the doctor's super hiked-upskirt exposed legs] and Champagne lingerie underneath, but I'm not complaining about your current driving outfit, ma'am, so?"

"[Bends her knees up high while sitting] well, I may or may not be wearing Champagne shaded lingerie today, which is none of your business, but I am a doctor and I received my doctorate degree in..."

"[Staffer 1 is on a roll] that's all I needed to hear, doctor ma'am, because I waded out into the pond yesterday up to my waist area and I wouldn't be mad if you would perform an exam on me and I'm more than willing to turn my head to the left and cough up to 15 times, like my previous doctor back home always used to ask me to do [extends a vehicle exit balancing hand] because..."

[Staffer 1 was no longer on a roll]

"[Not the most 'lady like' sitting position since her skirt was hiked-up so far from the 2-hour drive] oh, um, I get the feeling that your previous doctor was examining something for his own personal pleasure more than for professional medical reasons and maybe for your pleasure too, but I'll just leave that be as it is and just go ahead and say that I received my doctorate in..."

[The woman with a doctorate in something, seat belt effect boobs and a long drive hiked up skirt, puts her head on a swivel over the attention she is receiving from the surrounding wolfpack.]

"[Staffer 2 bumps that idiot out of the way] hello, ma'am, don't even bother with your luggage bags or your garment bag in the back because I will personally will take care of [glances down at two very 'lady like' pair of legs that were bent at the knees, juking out of a hiked-up skirt] that for you and our beloved and adored staffer, River Rapids, told me to take extra care with your smaller bag, the smaller bag that probably contains your weekend Delicates, ma'am, so you can trust me, so?"

"[Tugs at her seat belt again to redirect his eyes because when she herself glanced down, whoa, that was a lot of thigh meat that was being exposed] I mean, um, okay, but be careful with the garment bag because..."

"[Staffer 2 takes his 2nd shot] absolutely, doctor ma'am, because our adored staffer, River Rapids, whispered to me that your evening gown for the stuffed shirts society gala tomorrow will probably be very man friendly and I wouldn't dream of damaging it before I get a chance to spy you in it from the shadows tomorrow night while the old geezer's fiddle with their wallets to support your cause. [Extends a balancing hand because she didn't accept the previous one from staffer 1 with a questionable doctor back home]. Oh, and since I'm only slightly embarrassed to be called staffer friends with the idiot nerd staffer that you just encountered, ma'am, I also waded out into the pond yesterday up to my waist, so don't be surprised if you find me behind the loser staffers cabin later tonight, but I'll be the (yuk, yuk) one who has his head turned to right instead of the left, waiting for you, doctor, to demand that I cough up to 15 times, so?"

[The woman with a doctorate in something, seat belt effect boobs and a long drive hiked up skirt, has her head on a swivel over the attention she is receiving from the surrounding wolfpack, rejects his vehicle exiting balancing hand because she senses that it may have already been involved in a loser staffer early morning circle jerk behind the loser staffers cabin. But she does slowly remove her seat belt as his staffer thrill of the day.]

"[Not the most 'lady like' legs swing out of the opened door] oh, I mean, I'm not a medical doctor, but I am theorizing in my head that you and that first loser staffer have performed plenty of self-exams on each other and it wouldn't surprise me at all if you two count to 15 in perfect harmony, but that's not important right now, to me, anyways, because what's important is that I'm Dr..."

"[Staffer 3 seizes the moment] doctor ma'am, allow me to give you your personal space to actually slowly exit your Champagne SUV [eyeballs her creamy Champagne bottle popping thighs] and if I may, ma'am, might I say that I'm almost ashamed to be friends with two previous loser staffers that you just had to encounter, but our beloved and adored staffer, River Rapids, would never forgive me if I didn't volunteer to bolster your next doctorate ground breaking thesis later tonight behind the loser staffer's cabin by being the most pasty skin patient who contributes to the medical science world by coughing up to 15 times while keeping my head perfectly straight forward since I also waded out into the pond yesterday up to my waist..."

"[Not the most 'lady like' separation of her very 'lady like' legs as she exits the vehicle] well, I was just thinking that it seems like a pasty skin loser circle jerk man in middle seemed to be overdo and yep, here you are! Anyways, avoiding all further conversation about what happens behind the loser nerd staffers cabin after dark, I've already received my doctorate degree and no longer have to submit a thesis study, but I am here to perform a ceremony task as a representative of the..."

[The woman with a doctorate in something and a long drive hiked up skirt and has her head on a swivel over the attention she is receiving from the surrounding wolfpack, slowly begins to exit the vehicle on her own like she owns it, which she does because it's her Champagne colored SUV. And she uses her head on a swivel to glance at how many more wolves were yet to come.]

"[Staffer 4 pulls his trigger] doctor ma'am [wraps a toothpick arm around her shoulder], the ever-loved staffer, River Rapids, would choke me harder than those three losers are going to choke their chickens later tonight in a circle at the edge of the trees, if I didn't offer you my services to hand wash the highway grime off your safari SUV. I mean, after you've finished with the resort's check-in process, just slip into a thin white T-Shirt and drive over to the 'cool' staffers cabin and you know, giggle a lot as you dip and dodge the wayward squirts of my hose, I mean, the wayward squirts of the water hose, so?"

[Now standing, the woman with a doctorate in something and with her head on a swivel over the attention she is receiving from the surrounding wolfpack, quick dips and slides out from under the toothpick arm that was annoying her.]

"[Smooth's out the driving wrinkles in her skirt] I'll have you know, rumbunctious young man, that a woman's days of wet T-shirt contests have an aged time limit and I'm past those days since I have my doctorate in..."

"[Staffer 5 sees an opening] not to change the subject, ma'am, but is it true that your family and our very own 19 years old staffer, the beloved, River Rapids, have a connection, ma'am? And if it helps to plant a story seed, ma'am, I wouldn't be mad at all if that family connection came from your teenager babysitting job for the adored staffer, River Rapids and if you wore braces, pigtails and logo sweat pants while babysitting the mystical staffer, River Rapids, that should be in the story because in my feeble mind, ma'am, the babysitter always, always, always get caught with her boyfriend and her sweat pants down when the parents return home early because they hate each other and have no business going out in the first place, so?"

[The woman with a doctorate in something and with her head on a swivel over the attention she is receiving from the surrounding wolfpack, might be missing the annoying toothpick arm that was comforting her a mere moment ago.]

"[Still hand brushing out the driving wrinkles in her skirt and a little shocked] well, staffer dude with the vivid imagination, um (giggles) I'll give you a point for having such a vivid imagination and maybe another point for reading the babysitting manual because getting caught with one's sweat pants down is literally on page 2 as a must do, but no, I'm sorry to disappoint, but I never babysat your beloved and adored staffer, River Rapids. Our family connection is and was a legit family connection, that's all. And by the way, having braces and wearing pigtails is on page 3 of the babysitter's manual. Now, can we just move on to who I am and why I'm here because..."

"[Cha-Ching, staffer 5 still has the doctor's attention] yes ma'am, so, is it fair to say that given the slight age gap between yourself and the cherished staffer, River Rapids, that the two of you grew up as honorary step sisters then, huh? And I'm only planting that story seed [hoping for 'good guy' credit since he's barely gawked at her boobs yet], doctor ma'am, because we are all very excited for a dueling step sisters battle tonight around the bonfire [glances at her boobs for the umpteenth time] and as for me, I'm extra excited to hear all about what our adored staffer, River Rapids, said about you also being a witch doctor reader of the Tarot cards, ma'am, extra excited [boing, throb, boing, throb] I am, ma'am, so?"

[The woman with a doctorate in something, fiddles with the lower hem of her skirt and needs to grease her head's swivel ball joint because the wolves just keep coming.]

"[Slightly lifts the lower hem of her skirt] I mean, reading Tarot cards was just something that I dabbled with as a teenager in between my dark arts classes and my witch's coven classes, but I've since gone on to receive my doctorate in..."

"[Staffer 6 slithers in for his turn] and ma'am, lady doctor, ma'am, I've always, always, always heard that fortune teller Tarot card readers always, always, always wears a very man friendly, floor length, sheer babydoll nightie that blows and flows open by a mysterious breeze through the cabin at the exact same time that the worse possible Tarot card is flipped up and we all need to know about that. Oh, and since I'm the sensible wolf of this wolfpack, I wouldn't even dream of hinting or suggesting that our very own staffer, River Rapids, act as your Tarot card hoax assistant, while wearing her infamous mesh coverup thingamabob negligee that she slips on over her bikini when she slips out of her cabin when she wants her after hours bagel, so?"

[Somebody needs to give the woman with a doctorate in something, a squirty, squirt, squirt oil can or her ball joint is going to blow out from too much friction heat from swiveling so much!]

"[Doesn't exactly pull her skirt down just yet] well, I suppose I should have been wondering when River's 19 years old hard body was going to come up while she prances around the resort grounds after hours in a mesh coverup as she sought out her bagel and ta da, here we are! Anyways, guys, listen, I'm just here as a representative of the..."

[The woman with a doctorate in something, who still has her head on a swivel over the attention she is receiving from the surrounding wolfpack, might be a Barn Owl doctor, given how far her head swivels around in a circle.]

"[Staffer 7, might be legit, as he body checks his way in] ma'am, I'm honored to be your golf cart driver for your entrance as the Grand Marshall at the bronze statue placement ceremony tomorrow and as long as we don't say anything to our beloved staffer, Ruby Rapids, I mean, I'd be happy to arrive at your cabin several hours early and stand guard at your shower door as you prep yourself and I promise you that I will personally see to it that your cotton cabin shower towels range in sizes between risqué, questionable and the man friendly favorite "I feel a breeze', all made from the finest Egyptian cotton, so?"

"[Smooths her skirt out in the rear two more times than she needed too] oh, well, I mean, not only is that not necessary, not at all, that won't be happening, mm-hmm! Anyways, if I may get to my purpose here at the resort, I'm..."

"[Staffer 8 body checks weirdo staffer 7 out of the way, boom, your time is up] hey there, ma'am, I'm the calm wolf of this pack of wolves that has surrounded you in force, doctor ma'am and that makes me deserving of knowing if it's true or not about what our beloved staffer, Ruby Rapids, said about how you've also conducted [gazes the witch doctor up and down and then once more] a dark arts séance party or two before and I'm only bringing this up now to calm your mind, given how busy Saturday will be, with the afternoon ceremony and then the evening gala for the stuffed shirts society, I mean, maybe you might want to consider holding a nightcap séance party in your cabin tonight after the bonfire dance party because..."

[The woman with a doctorate in something, has a tad of friction smoke emitting from her swivel head ball joint]

"[Calmy fiddles with the lower hem of her skirt to reveal that she's wearing a witch doctor dangling garter belt, even though the good doctor wasn't wearing thigh high stockings] mm-hmm, because it's such an easy switch over from my Tarot card revealing evening wear by just adding a pair of thigh high stockings and a garter belt into the mix, hmm? And just how many of the newbie staffer horny wolves would volunteer to sit around my séance table and make it go all 'boing, bounce, boing, bounce, boing, bounce, boing, bounce, argh, argh, argh, argh', all without any invisible fishing line to 'woo-woo' shake the séance table, hmm? And when are we going to get around as to why I'm here because I am here for a reason and it's not..."

"[Seriously? The newbie nerds huddled up to discuss?] doctor, ma'am, if that's a challenge from your side, we accept! And not just because we newbies have worn out the resort's subscription to frilly lingerie magazines, but because we know we can nerd boner bounce your Tarot card reading séance table better than..."

"[Fucking losers! Staffer 9 bumps his way in] doctor ma'am, I promise you that I will put those loser staffers in a choke hold later, to rid you of all that because..."

[The woman with a doctorate in something, who still has her head on a swivel over the attention she is receiving from the surrounding wolfpack and is beginning to wonder if this promo gig is safe and worth it, but she seems to be loosening up]

"[Fiddles with her tucked-in blouse] but not before those loser staffers choke their chickens together behind the loser's cabin because I am sensitive to the needs of young men, OMFG, what am I saying because I'm here for a totally different reason and we need to move on to that as soon as possible because this is all getting to be a bit much for me and..."

"[Well then, staffer 9 may have stuck the landing] um, ick, ewe, ick, ma'am, but I'm here to serve you, which brings me around to a teeny tiny oversight on our part, I mean, I'm not the bonfire dance party coordinator that our adored staffer, Ruby Rapids is, but with all this talk about a Tarot card reading, followed up by an impromptu nightcap séance, we seem to have glossed over the beginning of it all, which is, of course, the very important..."

[The woman with a doctorate in something, who still has her head on a swivel over the attention she is receiving from the surrounding wolfpack and is beginning to wonder what she's gotten herself into, checks her phone and sure enough, OMG, the unplanned and unannounced Tarot card reading and follow up impromptu nightcap séance are trending hard on the resort's social media!]

"[Staffer 10 feels that staffer 9 is taking too long to get to the point and bumps his way in] doctor ma'am, what the twerp is trying to say and would eventually get around to, like next week, is that we haven't yet discussed the evening wear of the proposed dueling honorary step sister's battle tonight at the bonfire dance party, you know, just before your Tarot card reading séance nightcap party in your cabin, that is selling out fast, so?"

"[Accidently unruffles the ruffles of her blouse] well then, may the witch doctor high counsel see it gracefully upon all of you wolves for glossing over a dueling honorary step sister's battle, which is not going to happen, but do tell, what would the high counsel see if they were to gaze into their Crystal balls, hmm? Because why should we talk about why I'm here in the first place because..."

[Yea, baby, staffer 10 might get lucky tonight] well, doctor Looks Good, in honor of the dead big cat, that seemingly perished while protecting her helpless cub, we all are hoping, wishing, praying and offering up our first-borns to the witch doctor's high counsel, that the dueling honorary step sister's battle tonight during the bonfire dance party, would involve our adored staffer, Ruby Rapids and yourself, Dr. Thighs, are wearing Flintstone style faux fur dresses, like the original 'slit up to here' animal print dresses. Including the chunky gemstone necklaces that barely hold the naughty animal print dresses in place all while you're dancing in the pond beach sand barefoot because..."

[The woman with a doctorate in something, who still has her head on a swivel over the attention she is receiving from the surrounding wolfpack and is beginning to wonder if this promo gig is safe and worth it, who was seemingly loosening up, but now wondering what she gotten herself into, is actually stunned and almost helpless]

"[Whispers to herself, I don't know why, but it feels like I should scream out 'next' or something right about now!] Well, (giggles), my rave party days of wearing such sexy outfits while casting evil spells on the 'cool people' at parties are a tad behind me now, like wet T-shirt contest, young man, especially since I'm approaching 30 plus 2 later this year, mm-hmm. But I might manage to find something to wear to a bonfire dance party that might be man friendly, but only because it sounds like I need to keep a careful 'eye of newt' on my beloved honorary step sister, Ruby Rapids, mm-hmm! And speaking of my younger honorary step sister, where is River..."

"[Staffer 11 senses an opening and jumps at it] witch doctor ma'am, allow me to close your vehicle's door behind you [peeks back there because the good doctor was still smoothing her skirt out in the rear since she knew he was peeking], you may not know this, but the adored staffer, Ruby Rapids and myself are the best of staffer friends and she all but fell all over me to sneak creep a few photos of the dueling step sisters in animal print costume and leak them out as a 'Jungle Lust' photo op and there may or may not be a faux fur dress draped over a cheap blowup rubber doll in my cabin's bedroom closet, um, erg, um, but only because I couldn't find a mannequin in the resort's storage room, so?"