Split Tree Resort Dino Dig 01
[Vroom, vroom, vroom, up pulls a road warrior mid-sized truck and temporarily parks in the resort's circle driveway and a woman casually strolls through the double doors as breezy as can be.]
"[Front desk bell ding, ding, ding] hello?"
"[Swishes around from the rear wall behind the front desk] hello, I'm Twiddle Dee from the Split Tree Resort's front desk and since my guest hosting gig up in the big city at Hilda's Hideaway strip club for Tacos & Titties Tuesday, I've forgotten all about my failed food pairing eggs and bacon and spiritual Ying and Yang relationships that I'm super excited for what comes next, so, how may I help you, hmm?"
"[Gasps and blushes] oh, um, well then, Twiddle Dee, because that made me blush just a little bit, but since it's been a while I've been flushed with blush, I suppose that's okay, especially since now I know why the young men in the back rows of my class have been whispering about eating tacos after class. Anyways, I'm from the university, Professor..."
"[Tap, tap, tap] mm-hmm, you're from the paleontology department from the university, Professor Muffins, mm-hmm, Professor Muffy Muffins, the famed paleontologist Dino fossil digger and finder. And former, yet still crowned champion, alligator wrestler, who, not once, but twice wrestled an alligator in her early 20 something years in a barely modest mud wrestling bikini and that drew the shy mud wrestling ladies out from the shadows of dive bars gigs shame forevermore and into the spotlight, mm-hmm."
"Well, OMG, Twiddle Dee, how would you even know any of that because..."
"[Tap, tap, tap] and granddaughter of the renowned Florida treasure hunter, Rock Riverstone, who is best known for returning the jewel encrusted side saber of Captain Salt & Pepper Beard, back to Spain, its rightful owners and Spain returned the favor to your grandfather by funding your official Dino dig up in the badlands of Montana, where your yield was a decent dead Dino find, but even more importantly, mm-hmm, ran the cover of "Dino Dirt Digging" magazine 5 out 12 months and then forever changed the power of shrunken and modified Khaki shorts, mm-hmm!"
"OMFG, Twiddle Dee, seriously, how in the dang ding-dong Dino digging world would you know any of..."
"[Tap, tap, tap] mm-hmm (giggles), your paleontology class spokeswoman, Zazzi, Sassy Zazzi, arrived earlier and she gave me your amazing lifetime back story. She also gave me quite a bit a lot of sass for talking to her brother while I was guest hosting Tacos & Titties Tuesday at Hilda's Hideaway strip club, but then I promised her that nothing happened and then I upgraded her cabin and everything is okay now, so?"
"I mean, Twiddle Dee, Twiddle Delightful, for first of all, Chatty Catty, I mean, Sassy Zazzi, I mean, Zazzi, is more of a self-appointed paleontology class spokeswoman, but she is one of my better paleontology students and she does step it up and speaks out, so I often turn a blind eye to her behavior because..."
"[Tap, tap, tap] mm-hmm, Professor Muffins, sassy or brassy, your entire paleontology class respects you and according to Zazzi, no matter what this long weekend yields, be it a Dino, be it just dirt, be it only for class extra credit and Dino digging field experience (giggles), they're all hoping for a weekend to remember and I can certainly tell that your previous Dino digging career work and your scaly alligator wrestling days has kept your womanly figure right where a woman wants it to be, so?"
"Again, OMG, Twiddle Dee, you guys really need to update your brochure because I wasn't expecting any of this! However, since all of my flash and glory days were more than 20 years ago and since then I've probably earned the behind my back nickname of Stuffy Muffy Muffins, which knowing Zazzi, she's probably pranked me by changing my resort cabin reservation to read like that, so, what else did she say? And by all means, start with how the team has agreed that this final exam Dino dig should include cozy, comfy and coed sleeping arrangements because according to my students, that's a Paleontology student thing, which, I assure you, it is not, so, make me blush again, Twiddle Delightful."
"[Tap, tap, tap] Professor Muffins, I'd be happy to report that Zazzi is out in grassy lowlands area behind the resort as we speak, handing out assignments and equipment to some Dino digging guys with tape measures, hammers, ground skates and yellow nylon rope and I'm supposed to report that Zazzi has everything under control, but it seems like we've skipped over a flashy segment of your career when you were about 31, like at a fossilized huge Dino footprint find in northern Texas with some grad student intern named Dan, so?"
"Oh, my fossilized Dino footprint find secret! I mean, Twiddle Dee, I mean, I mean, I mean, Danny and myself, ugh, I mean Danny, OMG, I mean, Dan, Dan, Dan and I were investigating one of the larger footprints alone and we kept bumping into to each other because we were both in the middle claw impression and then, I mean, and then, I mean, because then, I thought I had a dead Dino bone in my hand and then it wasn't a dead Dino bone and fine, we had a screw! Are you happy now, Lil Miss Twiddle Dee, I confess that I had a screw in my early thirties, hmm?"
"[Tap, tap, tap] for first of all, Professor Muffy Muffins, it's outdated and older than Dino bones to say you had a screw! Nobody in our modern times has a screw! Slept with, had sex with, got the bone, manhandled the bone, sat on his bone, his bone did me dirty, I did his bone dirty, I kissed his Dino bone and then holy dead dinosaur, that was great sex, are all acceptable modern terms, but nobody has a screw in this century! But thank you for that confession and I promise to not leak any of that out in the resort's Community Hut gatherings nor will I download a slideshow in the Community Hut's big flat screen of your magazine cover photos, so?"
"(OMG, I knew this Dino digging expedition down at the resort was going to be a badlands idea!) Anyways, who are the other early arrival students that Zazzi is probably standing over with a dominatrix whip while they grid line the potential dig sites with yellow nylon rope and skates while shirtless, hmm?"
"[Tap, tap, tap] three, Benny, Lenny and Denny and I think those three Dino grid lining nerds have a few female staffer fans, I mean, after a few of the female staffers sprayed their pasty skin with spray tan, which, apparently, was fun. I also think there will be a few hookups this long weekend and a need for extra yellow nylon rope because staffer Yvette, always wanted to try on a yellow rope bikini, so?"
"Oh, my word! But I suppose that's okay since the male students in my class out-number the girls in my class by about two-to-one anyways and OMG, what words am I saying!"
"[Tap, tap, tap] mm-hmm, I believe you were saying, Paleontologist Professor Muffy Muffins, that you have experience in turning a blind eye and if I may, I'm happy to report that your female students have all entered into a weekend binding agreement to not make it sexual this long weekend and the guys have all agreed to respect that for the weekend, I mean, just as long as they still can look at their phones after hours (giggles) under the bed covers. Oh, and then, mm-hmm, there is the matter of your binding weekend agreement in return, Mrs. Professor Muffins, so?"
"[Gasps] oh, but I mean, but I mean, but I mean, I'm the triple degreed lead Paleontology Professor with over 20 years of field experience, all around the country and all over the world, not to mention how I used to belly and back smack alligators every weekend, so what could I possibly have to agree to then because I'm in charge and a crowned champion as you just said because..."
"[Tap, tap, tap] mm-hmm, as a binding agreement for a behaved and appropriate Dino digging long weekend between female and male classmates, you will agree to wad up [hand motions wad, wad, wad] and then roll up [hand motions roll, roll, roll] all of your pantyhose and then fashion the wadded ball into a voodoo doll [hand motion making a voodoo doll] and then jab stick it [hand motions jab stick, jab stick, jab stick] with pins and burn it in bonfire tonight, mm-hmm! And I think the girls gave the guys a freebie on that one since their bonfire sweat suits may push the envelope of not starting things around a bonfire after dark and I can see that the guys are not wrong for that since they probably intend to snap off plenty of creeper photos tonight at the bonfire because a bonfire is defined as a place to let your hair down, so?"
"(Oh, my dead Dino Gawd!) Well, Twiddle Dee, I think that I heard a body compliment mixed in there somewhere, so, um, fine, I'll turn a blind eye when we're not digging up a grid line, but that's all."
"[Tap, tap, tap] Professor Muffins, while I active your cabin keycard, I mean, were there really any dinosaurs roaming around these parts a bazillion years ago, hmm?"
"Well, Twiddle Delightful, we're not going pull a T-Rex out of the ground this weekend and we might not yield any finds, but (giggles), these parts had many smaller dinosaurs and saber tooth cats and things like that, so, who knows what the earth might provide as a yield find, but the truth is, it's basically for extra class credit and field experience, so."
"[Tap, tap, tap] yikes, that sounds scary, but a saber tooth necklace sounds cool. Anyways, Professor Muffy, your cabin, cabin 17 [hands of activated keycard] does have a side morning coffee deck, which is perfect for sipping your morning coffee while wearing little more than your cotton robe, especially when the morning breeze picks up. Also, our giftshop sells cotton robes because..."
"OMG, how many times can I scream out OMG before I go into shock, Twiddle Dee because I'm closer to that happening than I am to letting the gentle breeze flip open my cotton robe, that would clearly suggest that I might be up for another screw because..."
[Stumbles somewhat nerdy like through the lobby's side door and saying somewhat nerdy is being nice]
"Oh, Professor Muffins, you've made it to the resort already and um, you look a little shocked like if you noticed a screw in one of our Dino bone wooden crates had become loose, so, are you alright, Professor Muffy, I mean, Professor Muffins? Anyways, I mean [yuk, yuk], hi, over here, hi, Twiddle Dee..."
"[Tap, tap, tap] mm-hmm, it's hey there, hey, Lenny, in these modern times, but how can I help you while your professor recovers from her shock from pricking her finger on a sharp screw, hmm?"
"I mean, I mean [yuk], I'm running short on nylon yellow rope for the dig sites grid lines and Denny's EV is still charging so how can you help get me up to the hardware store up in town and hearing you say something about that female staffer, Yvette, as being the answer, I mean, I think that yellow honeybee is the boom, so?"
"[Tap, tap, tap] mm-hmm, the bomb, Lenny, it would be the bomb or Yvette is the bomb, sheesh, did you Dino digging people go to high school when the Dino's actually roamed the land, hmm? [Squeak, squawk goes the resort's loud speaker system] attention, Yvette, please snatch a fully charged golf cart and provide our shirtless Dino digging nerd, Lenny, a ride up into town for more grid line yellow nylon rope, front desk out [squeak, squawk], wait here for one moment, Lenny."
