Split Tree Resort 01
"[Front desk bell ding, ding, ding] hello?"
"[Swishes from around the front desk rear wall] hello, I'm Twiddle Dee from the front desk here at the Split Tree Resort, so, how may I mislead you about the wonderful amenities that we offer here at the Split Tree Resort like my last big city boyfriend misled me about true love, hmm? And I'm not at all bitter for being in a failed long-distance relationship that I recently got out because of the things that I learned and experienced and there are not many backwoods, teeny tiny resort town girls like me who can say that they are on the rebound because you have to have real promise in front of you to make it an official rebound, so, how may I help you, hmm?"
"Oh, well then, Twiddle Dee, that was a lot more than I was expecting for my cabin check-in process, but okay then, I guess. Anyways, rebound isn't a widely used term in the big city, but it's still legit and I think that you're handling being on the rebound very well, so, yeah. Anyways, I'm Emily Emerson and I'm here with my boyfriend, Jason, who works for the big city of Middleton and we're, well, Jason is here to check the standards of your resort's Pickleball courts in advance of the Middleton Pickleball tournament this weekend and on the advice of a friend of mine back in the big city of Middleton, um, well, a certain cabin was highly recommended to me and my boyfriend from my friend, Azure because..."
"[Tap, tap, tap] mm-hmm, because your friend, Azure, caused quite the fuss around these parts because nobody in our backwoods teeny tiny resort town ever saw the likes of a Boi like that before!"
"Oh, this is really happening, hmm? Anyways, Twiddle Dee, Azure causes quite the fuzz all around the big city too with a certain demographic of guys, but I'm sure that everything worked out for the best for everyone because..."
"[Tap, tap, tap] mm-hmm, because your friend, Azure, gifted his-her resort guest female friends with weekend surprise gift bags and that included my female staffers and his-her goth female resort guest friends said that I've nailed my after-hours backwoods goth appearance and especially my black cheery lips and that there might be work for me up in the big city at the clubs during the off season, so?"
"Oh, um, well, again, I wasn't expecting all this, but let's be fair because knowing Azure as I do, Twiddle Dee, I'm sure that Azure gifted you and your staff nicely because he-she is that way. Anyways, since we're actually doing this thing, I mean, most certainly you're not bitter for your gift bags being labelled as "resort staffer" rather than a name because..."
"[Tap, tap, tap] because mm-hmm, why not gift Bar Bunny, Bunnie, with two new bunny uniforms that are center cut and trimmed just below the bottom of her boobs and why not have sewn in lifting cups to raise her nips up even higher to increase her tips, especially when Bar Bunny, Bunnie was already a total smoke show! But I'm glad that Azure still likes boobs, so?"
"Oh, so, we're back to things I didn't expect to hear then, hmm? Okay then, but let's be honest again, Twiddle Dee because Azure would surely have gifted you more because even if this Bar Bunny, Bunnie is a total smoke show, I mean, you're a firestorm, so?"
"[Tap, tap, tap] well, I just don't like to talk about myself, not ever at all and that's because why not gift Hamburger Hilda with a ketchup red bra, mustard yellow logo undies and a whip ass pickle green warm up suit, hmm, Emily Emerson?"
"Well, this conversation is starting to feel like a terrible car wreck that I can't look away from then, Twiddle Dee! So, back to my cabin then because..."
"[Tap, tap, tap] oh, you thought I was finished talking about me already, hmm, Emly Emerson? Anyways, Azure gifted me like I was the charming goth princess of this backwoods teeny tiny resort town and I love everything that I received and it was more than any of the other staffers were gifted because I'm so shy and charming and it only took me two days to figure out that the ridiculously short black Denim shorts weren't just Denim undies, so?"
"Oh, so, what we're saying is that I was driving the car that wrecked into a train then and I still can't look away then, hmm, Twiddle Dee? Anyways, again, ahem, back to my reservation because..."
"[Tap, tap, tap] I'm okay now, Emily Emerson. Well, except for how you haven't yet mentioned that you have any gift bags for my staffers and myself because Azure spoiled us a little. And it would be great if you had gift bags with extra big city fishnets for Bar Bunny, Bunnie and myself because our stupid backwoods step brothers keep stealing them to hold their caught fish down at the fishing hole, so?"
"I mean, so, not only am I responsible for crashing my car into a train, then an airplane crashed on top of heap of wreckage too? And your stupid backwoods step brothers are probably lying about why they need your fishnets down at the fishing hole, but I'm afraid to talk about that right now out of fear that the crashing airplane knocked a few sharks out of a tornado on its way down, especially while I'm pinned on my back in the heap of wreckage and unable to move! Like my feet in this conversation."
"[Tap, tap, tap] hm-mmm and speaking of out of fear, Azure stayed in cabin 19, next to the bubbling brook out of fear of the growling bears and howling coyotes that use the babbling brook near cabin 7, so, I'll have you all set in cabin 19 shortly because since it's over a two-hour drive down here from the big city and your boyfriend probably needs his big city girlfriend private time, so?"
"Hah! I wish I could go two hours without my big city boyfriend hinting around for big city girlfriend private time! Also, I hope people said nice things about me at my funeral because most certainly, I didn't survive the car, train, plane wrecks and tornado shark attacks!"
"[Tap, tap, tap] and still, Emily Emerson, you haven't said anything nice and thoughtful about me and for how I'm not hounding you for a possible, yet perfect match for me from your friends list and that's okay because life on the rebound isn't the end of the world. But, mm-hmm, I would be waiting for a certain someone who might have a gift bag of fishnets in his car, in the circle driveway with a single tear drop out of my left eye, so?"
"Oh, because you see, Twiddle Dee, that would imply that I actually survived the car, train, plane wrecks and tornado shark attacks to have the time to text Mac Jack Mack because he might be a good match for you, but Mac Jack Mack might freak out if I start texting from the grave. And by the way, Twiddle Dee, make that single tear out of your right eye because one single tear drop out of the left eye implies that you got caught cheating, but you're sorry and that's just the big city rules, so?"
"[Tap, tap, tap] mm-hmm, so, what do the big city girlfriend rules imply for a single tear drop out of the right eye mean then, hmm, Emily?"
"Duh, holy mother fucking hell, mother fucker, where have you been all of my life, Mac Jack Mack, while I've been wasting away living as a charming goth princess of the night in this teeny tiny resort town!"
"[Tap, tap, tap] and we're now including complimentary morning coffee service and nighty nighttime bed turndown service to cabin 19 for the weekend! So, how many free passes did you want for your big city boyfriend this weekend, hmm, Emily Emerson?"
"Oh, I get it because now, somehow, a submarine jumped out of the Middleton River and smashed the entire wreck that I can't look away from in the first place! And seriously, you guys need to update the brochure because I didn't see anything about a list of free big city boyfriend passes! And by the way, big city boyfriends get plenty enough free passes just for life while hanging out on the Strip, but (giggles), just for fun, what's included in the big city boyfriend free pass package, hmm Twiddle Dee?"
"[Tap, tap, tap] our most popular big city boyfriend free pass is when the big city girlfriend is endlessly washing her hair in the cabin shower and Bar Bunny, Bunnie delivers a 9pm cocktail while the big city girlfriend is distracted, so, one? Two? How many, hmm, Emily?"
"OMFG, pass! We'll pass on that free pass package from what you just explained to me about this Bar Bunny, Bunnie! Pass, pass, that's a hard pass because I just explained how my big city boyfriend is hard for big city girlfriend time like all the time as it is!"
"[Tap, tap, tap] oh, um, Anime Annie then? For tomorrow night because her 21st birthday is tonight, so?"
"Well, just when I thought what a full-service resort was, along hops Bar Bunny, Bunnie for late evening cocktails, just to be followed up with Anime Annie, the anime movie launch girl! And by the way, Twiddle Dee, anime movie girls only need to be 18 in the big city and OMFG, what am I saying? I must have suffered brain damage in the car, train, plane, submarine wrecks and shark attacks!"
[The resort's front lobby doors fling open]
"Babe [fakes a yawn], how is check-in process coming along [yawns] because it's been a couple of hours and I need my sex, um, I mean my nappy poo sleep before I certify the Pickleball courts, so? Also, does Mac Jack Mack even know that young lady behind even exists because I may not be a match maker like you, Em, but what the hell, right, babe? They would be like bacon and eggs! Also, also, [yawn], I did 'yawn' hint, right, Emily?"
"[Tap, tap, tap] mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, eggs and bacon, mm-hmm, and that's one free complimentary pass for a 9pm cocktail delivery, even if I have to enlist our resort's visiting hair stylist, Franco, to wash your hair tonight myself! Bacon and eggs! Big city bacon and backwoods teeny tiny resort town eggs! It's a match made in heaven, big city girlfriend!"
"OMFG! Fine, for your bacon and eggs, Twiddle Dee, Jason can have one free pass, but that's it! Also, just why does the resort have a visiting hair stylist this weekend, firestorm, hmm?"
"[Tap, tap, tap] mm-hmm, the big city of Middleton ex-gamer mom's, I mean the "Kur-plunk, Kur-plunk" Pickleball lady's all want their hair done this weekend because Gale Storms from the big city TV3 News will be providing the TV coverage of the tournament, so, watch out for TV cameras this weekend. Also [points to poster hanging in the lobby] that's Franco and he will be using cabin 2, so?"
"[Spies that poster] well, in the name of a perfect plate of bacon and eggs, I might need a blow out too! You know, as my free weekend pass, so, yeah, but only because the boyfriend is already yawning and..."
