Spars in the Dar 01

Sparks in the Dark 01

Hello there [waves], I'm Todd and I'm 21 (20 ++) and I'm stuck in the middle right now because in my family, if you're too young to use tools, then you get a free pass and if you have a growing beer belly, then you get a free pass, but if you have guns like mine [shows those guns], then you're volunteered to perform tasks.

And usually, it's not that bad because if you play the "but I've never done that before" card, you can keep the local handyman businesses in business. But the problem is that I've set up my Auntie Caity's backyard several times for her annual 4th of July family and friends Tiki Torch party, so, I couldn't even deal from the bottom of the deck for this year's backyard setup.

And before you go judging me over pounding in a few Tiki Torch posts into the ground, yeah, attend one of my Auntie Caity's parties first. And bring a calculator that goes up to a bazillion because if there is a privacy fence post, then there is a Tiki Torch just in front of it and her entire backyard is fenced in.

But I got smart this year [points to head], with Auntie Caity's help, of course, because she moved up to the 21st century and actually purchased battery powered LED Tiki Torches. And they flicker too. And if you're wondering how that helped me, well, well, well, one trip to the local garden center, 42 privacy fence post hooks, 42 miniature c-clamps and boom, no Tiki Torch posts to pound [points to head again].

And then, even to my surprise, SOB, it worked! And the square looped fence post hooks even gave the LED Tiki Torches a slight tilt forward. Well, the first one did anyways because as always (chuckles), some assembly was required, but that's what they make garage work benches for, right? But once I had assembled a few of them, I had the assembly process down pat and who knew that I hummed to my playlist while I work, right? Well, I might have whistled a little bit too.

"[Hum, hum, do da, hum, insert four batteries, do da, hum, line up the torch base tab with the hook, hum, do da, screw the c-clamp tight, hum, do da, wiggle, flick the switch on, flickering LED's, check, do da, flick the switch off, do da, another one done!] Ugh, just another gazillion more to go and the evening shadows are starting to get long."

Um, sure, I should have started this project yesterday, but that's not important right now because what's important is that when I deliver your hot and ready to eat food order, I do not touch your food or steal a few fries.

[Vroom, rev, vroom, creeps quietly into driveway, parks it and shuffles towards the open garage]

"Todd? Is that you, Todd?"

"[Hum, do da, insert four batteries do da, line up...] oh, oh, Mrs. Baxter, um, yeah, it's me, Todd, Todd the assembly guy. And um, you're a little early for the party, Mrs. Baxter, so?"

"(Giggles) well, as I was driving by, I noticed that Caity's garage door was open and um, well, it's not like I stopped by to peek into the garage refrigerator because that's where your auntie keeps the good stuff wine coolers or anything, Todd, so."

[Opens the garage refrigerator and peeks inside for the good stuff and mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, it's packed with the good stuff]

"Well, I saw what I came to see [eyes scan the assembly guy], mm-hmm, two different ways, Todd, so, um, what's all this that I see, hmm? Other than about a bazillion 21st century Tiki Torches, that is, so?"

"Well, you know my auntie, Mrs. Baxter, if it's not a gazillion, then it had better be at least a bazillion (chuckles), right?"

"Well, that woman does like things over the top, but who cares just as long as the good stuff is out of sight of the masses (giggles), so the masses get their cocktails from the coolers, so, ahem, um, I guess I'll be on my way to shower up and then hope to see you tonight, right, Todd?"

"Oh, I'm going to bounce in just after dark to make sure these Tiki Torches light up my aunties backyard the way I think they are, and then, you know, split. Or (chuckles) I'll still be here assembling all of these contraptions (chuckles) since the sunlight is already started to diminish. But before you go, Mrs. Baxter, do women sometimes wear a front clasping bra to an evening Tiki Torch party, huh? Um, I'm asking for a friend, so?"

[Opens the frig and snags a good stuff wine cooler, twist, gentle fizz, sip, gulp]

"Todd, I mean, sometimes a woman wears a front clasp bra for the comfort and sometimes for the ease of getting it on and off and even sometimes because a woman just likes the style of a front clasping bra and there's always the time when a woman wears a front closing bra because she wants her man to be able to fast attack her boobs, so, I'm not sure what to tell, you know, your friend [sip, sip, sip], so?"

"Oh, um, well, Mrs. Baxter, I think that I'll tell my good friend that there's a 50-50 chance that least one woman will be wearing a fast attack front clasping bra tonight, so, um, I should get back to my assembly process, so, um, okay then, Mrs. Baxter."

"[Sip, gulp, sip] well, you might also want to mention to your good friend that a family and friends party always, always, always includes, you know, family members, like your friend's mother, Todd!"

"[Assemble, assemble, assemble] And I believe the yellow light is in between the green light and the red light, Mrs. Baxter, so, I might be inclined to tell my friend to run the yellow light to beat the red light, so, um, how am I doing in terms of traffic safety, huh, Mrs. Baxter?"

"[Sip, sip, stares blankly] hmm (drats, those are the exact same traffic laws that I used as a cheerleader back in the day!) [Sip, sip] Todd, do not and I repeat, do not do anything stupid tonight [gulp, gulp, sip], so?"

"[Assemble, assemble, assemble] oh, Mrs. Baxter, is anything really stupid if it happens out of sight, huh?"

"[Chug, gulp, slurp] OMFG, Todd, do not try to pop one of my boobs out tonight! We'll get caught!"

Well, well, well, talk about a long yellow light, right my peeps? That was neither a "yay" or a "nay" or a slap in the face! Well, Mrs. Baxter didn't slap my friend in the face because he's the one who is horny for Mrs. Baxter, tee he.

[The garage side door creaks open and surprise, you're almost caught]

"Ooh, Brenda, Brenda Baxter, my girl! I'm so glad that you stopped by to, ahem, snag one of the good wine coolers early, but OMG, it's Friday the 4th, even though it's technically the 5th and OMG, that makes it freaky Friday and the frisky sales girl down at the Sexy Bra Shop on the Strip fast talked me into purchasing a front snap bra and that, OMG, makes it frisky and freaky Friday because, OMG, men love their frisky freaky Friday fast attacks for their titties gropes and it can't be a Tiki Torch party without a little, OMG, fast attack on our [oops, spies someone else in the garage], oh, oops, oh snap (giggles), um, nephew Todd, I didn't see you working there, nephew, so, um, awkward."

LOL, the power of earbuds, right?

"[Slowly removes playlist hum along earbuds like he heard nothing] what, oh, Auntie Caity, I didn't hear you enter the garage. Or anything that you may or may not have said, um, I need to get back to my back breaking assembly work, so? Oh, did you pick up another large sized box of batteries, Auntie because each Tiki Torch uses four batteries each instead of two like you thought, so?"

"[Whew, wipes brow] um, well, why do you think I was shopping for anyways, dearest nephew [whew], hmm? Ta da [whips out a three pack of front clasping bras], oops, those are not the extra batteries [whips out a package that has quite the pictorial advertisement on the cover], oops, tee he, I mean, that sales girl, right? I only asked to peek at their latest line of something or other and she, tee he, stuffs a Peek-A-Boo bra in my bag, so, [tries the package whipping out thing again], there sweetie, a bazillion extra batteries! And, and, and, be sure to let your favorite auntie know where you stash the leftover batteries, okay, Todd? Also, stash them right here in my garden equipment garage cabinet and shut it after that! And I mean shut your mouth! Well, shut the cabinet door too, I suppose, so."

By the way, if you're searching Chang for my auntie right now and you come across Quiet Caity, that's not her. Try Squeaky Caity, but she's married. Like four or five days a week.

[Todd reinserts the earbuds that actually do allow other sounds to be heard]

"[Glug, glug, glug, ahh] well, I've had more than I can handle for one afternoon and I need to get home for my shower, so, um, well, Caity, why don't you go inside of your house and put your party lingerie away or on and since Todd just put his earbuds back in and he can't hear anything, I mean, I'll just tap him on his shoulder to say my goodbye, so?"

"OMG, I'm going to get my annual groping tonight and OMG, this year I'm going to check to see who my naughty 'sparks in the dark' man is first, OMG, so I don't repeat the last six years of mistakes, eek!"

You know, sound equipment designers, what's the harm with actually designing earbuds that block out everything but my playlist, huh?

"[Tries to snuggle up to Mrs. Baxter, but she backs off] are you stopping by any shops on the Strip on your way home to shower, Mrs. Baxter? And my friend would be over the full moon for a photo or two of your shower full-moon because that's crying material, so?"

"[One step backwards and huh, two steps forward] ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah, Todd, we're just talking here [fast attack lip smack], so don't go getting ahead of things [peck smack, quick tongue tip tease, smack]. And I wouldn't know how to take a shower selfie through my shower glass doors anyways, especially of my shower wet bare booty, so your friend might be out of luck, you know, again, so?"

Mm-hmm, that was clearly another yellow light, am I right, people?

"Oh [steps forward, titties smashing style], Mrs. Baxter, since we're just talking here, I mean, talking has been known to be the one thing that leads to another [boing, flex, boing, flex] and as my colorful auntie says, it's not a 4th of July, freaky frisky Friday Tiki Torch party if someone doesn't risk getting pregnant, am I right, Mrs. Baxter?"

"[Accepts the titties smashing hug and pushes further] well Todd [smooch, smooch smack, peck], no woman has ever gotten pregnant from swallowing her lover's man juice and I do remember how to do that, LOL, I think [peck smack, tongue tip tease, smooch], but you know, we're just talking here. And speaking of a forward flexing boner and talking, what have you heard from your delivery customer across the street, because I've heard that fucking trophy wife, Mrs. Kline, ahem, the new and improved, trophy wife, Mrs. Kline, trash talks behind my back about how my titties are six years past their prime! And I know that you chit chat with her when you make your deliveries and honesty will probably work in your favor as we, you know, just continue to talk about things, so?"

Well (chuckles), it's not so much about how the trophy wife, Mrs. Kline trash talks as much as um, LOL, she keeps a matrix chart! With colorful arrows, stars, asterisks, circles and footnotes (chuckles).

"[Gulp, drats, gulp] well, Mrs. Baxter, that's just a sneaking way for you to change subject, especially when we weren't, you know, finished with our talking about how one thing is going to lead to another thing between sooner or later and if I'm not mistaken, we left off our conversation with you lip smacking me first, so, where did we leave then, huh?"

"[Pushes forward] and that sounds like your sneaky way, Todd, to avoid the subject about how that deprived, yet still extremely luscious trophy wife gives you a quickie every time she orders a cheese quesadilla and since we're just talking here, I'm not even mad, jealous or frustrated over that because I haven't given you my pussy or my mouth yet, Todd, so?"

Oh, um, well, each house tips differently, that's all. And it's not my fault that Mrs. Kline answers the door commando under her sundress nor is it my fault that flare of her trophy hips makes it quite obvious that she's commando under her sundress and in dire need of a quickie, the end. I mean, her old geezer hubby can't take care of business since he sleeps in the easy chair in the den with one hand on his double barrel rock salt shotgun and with one eye closed and with the open eye rolling around in circles, so, well, the end.

"[Throbs back against her push forward] well, Mrs. Baxter, I've actually lost track of what we've been talking about here, but since it's actually starting to get dark, I think I'm still going to be here when the party gets started and I might have to shower in my aunties bedroom shower, so, um, let's put that on the list of topics then, shall we?"

"[Grinds forward and smashed those 3 years past their prime titties deep into his chest] well, Todd [smooch, peck smack, smooch] you still seem to have a mental issue grasping the concept of a 'family and friends' party, which is exactly the same as a 'spying eyes and side eyes' party [smooch, tongue tip tease, smack, peck, peck], but if an opportunity comes about where you need a fresh shower towel, I mean, no promises, but we'll see. LOL, but only if I'm positive that your mother won't see us! Anyways, I need a shower nozzle, I mean, a shower, so [smooch, mwah, smooch, mwah, smack], I'm out."

Well, I had more Tiki Torch assembly work to finish anyways. And for the record, I would never ever ask my auntie to let me use her private shower. Once the party started anyways because...

[Roar, rev, vroom, beep, beep, beep, a large cube van squeaks to a halt]

"Hello there, sonny ana ma-am, I'm Hank from the Party Rental Shop and I'm sorry for the late visit, but just as I was closing up the rental shop, I noticed an error on the work order, so, I'm dropping off these ten extra wooden folding chairs. And they are the good party chairs based on how many collapses occurred during Mrs. Caity Caitlin's annual party last summer, which my shop never said that the cheap chairs were rated for lap dances in the dark, so?"

"Well, Hank from the rental shop, back the cube van up near the garage and obviously, the backyard is right there, so, have at it because I'm running behind schedule myself, so?"

[Backup beep, backup beep, backup beep...]

"[Mwah, smooch] now I'm out, Todd, but I promise you that I will kill you if you do anything stupid tonight because we have just been talking here and not negotiating, bye!"

Anyways, just to finish up with the topic above before Hank the rental guy showed up, Mrs. Kline never actually said that Mrs. Baxter's boobs were six years past their prime. LOL, her matrix chart tracks that by two-year increment asterisks and Mrs. Baxter's square on the matrix chart had three asterisks, but they were gold asterisks, so.

"Sonny, I don't mean to pry, but where did you get these fancy mounted LED Tiki Torches from, huh? I can rent these out of my rental shop if you firm up the design a little bit because..."

[The side door creaks open]

"Hank, you made it! And before my hubby arrives home (giggles) from the fireworks shop, um, did you bring me the sturdy chairs this year, hmm? Come inside and let me sign the paperwork, Hank!"

OMG, earbuds should come with a pair of welding goggles too! And what the hell did Hank from the rental shop mean by "firming up" my design, huh, because other than the miniature c-clamps, they are as perfect as...

[Clumping up the driveway in heels and a trophy wife sun dress and of course, dips into the garage refrigerator for an early good stuff wine cooler. But without the usual twist, gentle fizz and sippy sip because trophy wives don't do that for themselves]

"[Twist, gentle fizz, hand off] here you go, Mrs. Kline."

"[Sippy sip, sip] I do declare, Master Todd, mm, mm, mm, you are the gentleman then [sip, sip] and I never said that men didn't appreciate boobs that are six years past their prime, Todd. I just said that my matrix chart has them as extra squishy these days, you know, like my old geezer hubby [sippy sip], so?"

"[Assembling, assembling, assembling] what else does your matrix say, huh, Mrs. Kline?"

"[Sip, glug, sip] oh, my matrix chart actually has your definition of a quickie down as second date sex plus honeymoon sex plus the first year anniversary sex all rolled into one because last Thursday, after you left, OMFG, Todd, you doggie banged me so hard of the back of the sofa that blonde hair dye actually drizzled out of the ends of my hair from how hard you had me sweating [swig, sip, gulp] and I blame you for taking so long to reach the age of 20 something! And with 20 something jack hammer power!"

Oh, um, okay then. I'll take the blame for that then!

"[Swig, sip] anyways, Hammer Man, I'm fair and honorable and I won't put your quest to conquer your gamer mom crush in jeopardy tonight, even though her gamer mom tits are a tad past their prime and I'll even help you jeopardize your breathing tonight from two massive, yet squishy titties from your gamer mom crush, Mrs. Baxter [sip, sip, sip] and you know that I've been a solid six years dry because I married for money, so?"

[Allows the perfumed scent too drift out from her trophy cleavage cleft]

Well (chuckles), you see, folks, sometimes two people "talk" about what may or may not happen and then other times, perfumed cleavage talk just wins!

"And I'm really, really, really safe this week, Todd and I know that younger 20 something men such as yourself love to leave it inside raw because you feel the need to spew your seed all up in there and..."

[The house door creaks open and huh, Hank the rental guy struts out with his signed paperwork clip board and a huge smile!]

"Um (giggles) bye, Hankie Poo, I mean, Hank [pats that rental guy booty]. Oh, well then, Mrs. Kline, the trophy wife of the neighborhood, in my garage with my nephew! (Giggles) hey, Hips McGee, what's happening, hmm?"

"[Swig, sip, slug] well, Caity, I just help but to notice these amazing LED Tiki Torch contraptions and for how many there seems to be and I do declare, Caity, a few of these might look nice in my fenced in backyard too [sip, sip], so? I mean, obviously, your backyard will not have enough dark spots where the sparks might fly if Hammer Man, I mean, if Todd mounts me, I mean, mounts them all in your [sip, sip] backyard, so? Oh (giggles), and Todd has his earbuds in, so (giggles), just say it, Caity."

"[Whew] well, I'm buying him another set of those things for Christmas this year, that's for sure and I've been worried about how all of my other friends, who are all in dead marriages, have been groping at Todd the last couple of years, I might be inclined to turn a blind eye if say, um, my nephew lost an urge or two because it must be awfully hard on him. And I'll turn around blind eye for how your flared trophy hips raise your sundress, which makes it so I can tell that you're not even wearing pre shower undies, say for an upgrade on your chart matrix, so, Mrs. Kline, hmm?"

For the record, OMFG, I am not claiming that my auntie just chimed in sideways with a side street green light! But she was totally right about the rise of Mrs. Kline's sundress.

"[Fiddles with star and asterisk stickers and a dry erase marker pen on the matrix chart]"

"And, and, and, Mrs. Kline, I mean, it's been 22 years since that one homecoming football game, so, maybe it's time to just drop that from your chart matrix and give all of us cheating slut housewives a boost on the matrix chart, hmm?"

"Oops, no can do, Caity because what you and your girlfriends did at that one homecoming football 22 years ago is still legendary and still scribbled about in the backs of the homeroom books to this day! Besides, I remember crying for 2 weeks after my momma had to explain to me why I couldn't have a front clasp training bra because nobody makes a front clasp training bra! Anyways, say goodbye to your auntie, Todd and grab that box of fancy Tiki Torches and follow my bouncing LED's!"