Slippery Slope

1. Introduction

Sometimes things don't always go as planned. I don't mean just day by day, but life events.

I'm a married man of 13 years, now 40 years old with a dream life. I have a great job, a great wife and two wonderful kids. We have our health and good fortune. I've always been a good husband and father, always putting my family first and making sacrifices, just as any good man would do.

But in retrospect, things went awry. These things meant that I didn't recognize some signs of dissatisfaction at home and with the wife and with the sex life. We got routine and things got stale. I began to lose interest in sex with my wife in spite of having a healthy sex drive. I also think that she began to lose interest in sex with me, for reasons that are probably the same for her as for me. We just took each other for granted. Busy lives, getting tired, not making time for each other, etc...Sounds routine and cliché, but these circumstances happened without proper attention to symptoms that were quite there all in retrospect.

Simultaneous to this, or perhaps related to this in some fashion, a woman with whom I work named Marie, began to take more interest in me, more than professionally. We were both 40, and living parallel lives professionally and even personally. We began to have time separate from direct work duties to share some experiences and feelings about our feelings, about home situation, and she too had grown children, an older spouse and a failing love life at home.

Over weeks we began to confide in each other, some life history events and personal feelings. These were new to me and I just didn't recognize that this 'normal' relationship was developing into something else. And I certainly didn't recognize what feelings Marie was developing. I thought that we had a good working relationship and that she was devoted to her work and making our division successful. She was attentive to details and to tasks that were a bit beyond her job description, but were always handled well and made my primary duties easier.

I began to confide in her more and more details of my personal life with my wife, and though still keeping many marital secrets, some generalities of our sex life became part of the lunch conversation.

I remember telling Marie that we weren't having sex that often, perhaps 1-2 times per week, which was definitely less than it had been for years. She told me too, that she didn't 'give it up' as she used to and that she was losing sexual interest in their routine sex life. He was 15 years older than she, and was getting a bit overweight and didn't turn her on any more.

She confided in me that she had never been with another man other than her husband and she began to wonder what else was out there, though she never had the courage to ever act on her growing sexual fantasies that didn't include her husband.

Weren't these signs that any 'normal' man would recognize and starting that slope towards infidelity? Certainly...But being a bit of a dumb-ass man and feeling some ego boost from this woman paying me all kinds of attention and stirring some sexual fantasies of my own, made me blind to the oncoming events.

To make matters worse, work continued to get busier and we were spending more time together. There are lots of people in our company and I was sensitive to perceptions of any impropriety, wanting to keep open and transparent any activities so as to avoid the office gossip. This led us to lunches and meetings behind some closed doors and increasingly detailed conversations that took more and more intimate and sexual direction.

2. First Conversation

"So what do you do when you aren't getting laid at home," Marie asked me one private lunch.

"What do you mean?" I asked, still not picking up what she was laying down.

"I mean do you...ummm...take matters into your hands?"

Feeling a bit embarrassed at the innuendo, knowing she was now asking me if I masturbated, I just thought of what I could say to this question.

"I do, you know...I play with myself now almost every day," Marie said frankly, turning a bit red at this statement, but looking me straight in the eye trying to gauge my response.

"Wow...that's pretty cool. I didn't think women did this that much." I finally said.

"That's just such a common misconception, especially with guys. Women have needs too, and I'm just now learning about mine. They just don't include my husband, unfortunately for us."

"That is unfortunate indeed...I'm sure if he's a normal guy, he would take it every day, and especially enjoy your new-found pleasures...even probably want to watch..."

"I'm sure he would...but I could never let him do that. I couldn't even admit to him that I do...[pause] masturbate. We've settled into a routine sex life that after all these years, it's just too hard to bring anything new to the table."

I just nodded..."yeah...I guess that's right. The same goes for us. I think about stuff all the time, and just am too settled in our routine to try some of the things that I fantasize about."

"What kinds of things are those?" Marie asked, her face red with anticipation and her blue eyes dilating with desire.

"Oh...wow...I'm not sure if I can tell you...I'd be too embarrassed."

"You still didn't answer my earlier question though..."

"Which question was that?"

"Do you masturbate too?"

Pause...

"Yes...of course..." I admitted, also keeping her gaze, feeling my heart beat a bit faster and feeling myself getting aroused at the increasing eroticism of our conversation, beyond anything we'd discussed before.

"How often?" Marie persisted.

"Depends..."

"On what?"

"On what's going on at home, you know, how much sex we're having."

"How about recently? You said you weren't getting that much these days..."

"I guess about daily...I'm pretty much an every day guy. I need to...um...get off every day. Always been like that I suppose..."

"Pretty good for a 40 year old man, eh?"

"Lucky for me all that still works...not that old yet."

Marie clearly wanted some more details about me and my sexual nature. It had been years and years since I've had these feelings of anticipation, desire, illicit conversations...hence the slippery slope. Clearly in retrospect, the conversations should have stopped well before these talks got to this level of intimacy. But I felt excited and just put aside any further rational thought. I could have, and indeed should have, stopped weeks earlier and continued our healthy and normal working relationship.

"I have fantasies of sex in the water..." Marie offered, still gauging my response and how far this conversation would go.

"What do you mean water?"

"You know, sex on the beach, in the bath tub, in a pool...something about water and sex just gets me going."

"That's pretty wild..."

Then there was a long pause, a pregnant pause...

"I think about it a lot with you too, you know..."

"Woah...do you now?"

"Yes, I'm afraid that I do...does that make you uncomfortable?" Marie asked, still rather red at either embarrassment or at the heat of the conversation.

"I guess a bit. I've always considered myself a faithful person."

"Me too. One man, one lover for my entire life. How many women have you been with?"

"Seven or eight..."

"Tell me about what you fantasize about...I told you mine." Marie pressed on.

I thought for a minute. She clearly was turned on by this conversation and by the admission of her sexual fantasies. "I like watching, I guess. Probably a typically male thing. We are very visual creatures."

"Watching what?"

"Watching people, catching sex acts that aren't supposed to be seen, watching naked women. Perhaps that comes from seeing something when I was a teenager, or perhaps that comes from getting turned on by porn. More typical guy stuff..."

"Yeah, I guess that does sound typically male. I guess that would turn me on too."

This was decidedly one of the most erotic moments of my life. Here I was talking to my trusted friend and co-worker, and talking about some things that I've never spoken with anyone before. And I couldn't deny the erotic turn on, and the thoughts that were going through my mind. And the illicit nature of our conversation was so thrilling, so forbidden and I was hooked. It's probably akin to the adrenalin junkie feeling with free falling, just this time we were free falling into a dangerous and wanton place.

"Are you turned on now? Are you hard?" Marie asked, her voice barely a whisper but filled with deep passion.

I just nodded...

"I'm so wet now you wouldn't believe it..."

I could only just nod again.

"If we were in another place, I would jump your bones and fuck you silly," Marie confessed yet again.

"We just can't...we're married and we work together...it's just not me." I managed to say, trying to listen to the little white guy on my shoulder yelling in my ear to listen to the sane thing to do while the little red devil on my other shoulder was telling me to proceed.

"I know, I know. Believe me I know the situation. I don't want to hurt either of our families. That's so important to both of us."

"I think we'd better take this down a notch...let's try to get back to being friends and not messing this up with other things." I tried to implore to both of our rationale sides.

"You're right...I guess we just got carried away. Still fun to think about, right?"

"Absolutely...I'm sure this'll be fuel for some further fantasies," I offered.

"It has been for me for a while...just got hotter."

3. The Note

So thankfully the line didn't get crossed and things got back to 'normal' with regards to work, home life, etc. But not much improved at home, and in fact, I think looking back that I felt more and more distanced from my wife, while feeling closer to Marie and to our intimate conversations and fondness for each other.

I had an upcoming vacation, going skiing with a college friend. The day before I left, Marie asked me to come by her office as she had something to give me. I wasn't sure what it could be as I felt we wrapped things up at work.

I stopped by before I left for the day, and she just gave me a card and a hug, saying she hoped I had a good time and to read the card after I got to the hotel.

I didn't think it strange, but I followed her directions. Then I was blown away by the contents of the innocuous looking card.

It was a normal-looking greeting card, yet inside was filled with a hand-written letter with small print completely filling the blank note with her clean writing. Basically, it said that over the years of our working together, she had developed strong feelings for me and not only did she appreciate our working relationship, but that she respected me for who I was as a person and how I treated other people. She shared some of her childhood experiences about men and relationships and how she came to marry the man she did. And then how this father-figure husband had changed and how she had changed after marrying so young and how now she was a different person because of recent events. Finally, she confessed her feelings towards me and how much she cared for me and desired me as a man. She said how much she wanted to please me and to know what pleased me so that she could satisfy me every desire and to fulfill my every fantasy.

Talk about the proverbial bombshell...While I certainly knew that our relationship developed beyond standard, I definitely didn't anticipate this. Dense and blind. Should have seen it coming. I was just too wrapped up with the conversations that had been just a bit more than flirtatious...Hindsight is so 20-20.

So I digested this news for a few days while gone, and really didn't check emails. Then the day before returning, I did log on to check email and after weeding through the usual clutter, found one from Marie, simply asking if I read the card. I had to think on this for a bit too, because I didn't want to hurt anyone and I didn't necessarily share the same depth of feelings for her and I was trying to sort out the growing relationship and the abyss that could lay before me if we crossed the line that was now more and more apparent—the line of infidelity.

Clearly this had crossed both of our minds. I'm blind but not without needs and urges that Marie was clearly wanting to find and satisfy. Combine this with the growing distance at home, was clouding my judgment and the ability to do the right thing.

So back at work and home, in typical male fashion, I managed to dodge any private time and avoid any meaningful conversation with Marie so that maybe the 800-lb gorilla of her note to me would just disappear.

Didn't happen that way...

I could tell that Marie was wanting some input from me, some conversation, some response to her outpouring of emotion and essentially confession of feelings towards me. What is one supposed to do with this information? I certainly had no experience with this, nor had I any idea as to how to proceed.

After a few days back, we had a private meeting in her office. One that before was comfortable and even enjoyable, was now tense and unsure.

"I'm sorry I said all that stuff to you...I know you're uncomfortable with what I've told you. And I know you are a committed family man and don't want anything like an affair. But I've been thinking of these feelings for months and I just couldn't go on keeping all this inside. So nothing needs to happen. I can tell by your reactions these past few days that you don't share these feelings for me, and I expect that. I know that you can't give me what part of me wants. And I'm so ambivalent about all these feelings too, you have to know that. I never pictured myself as the muse or the home wrecker. I just needed you to know where I stood and how I felt. I hope we can go on being friends." Marie's statement was clear and practiced, as if she'd been preparing this for a while, yet I could see the disappointment and relief on her face, that she'd confessed her feelings of unrequited love for me.

"I'm really and truly flattered by your words to me Marie, and I don't know how to respond. I've always been the trustworthy guy and never saw this coming. I'm sorry to let you down and not to share the same feelings, and to have perhaps led you on. But I've been enjoying our conversations and sharing things with you that I could never share with anyone else. I trust you and care about you, but I just can't go where this seems to be going." My reply wasn't' practiced, but I hope I was able to convey the truth to her.

"Thank you for being so kind about this. I'll try to not bring this up anymore. But I can't say that I won't think about some of the more...pleasant thoughts that I've had recently," she said, with a small sly smile.

"I guess that's fair, and the same for me."

"Ok then...now that that's out of the way, I hope we can still be friends."

"Agreed....thanks for understanding," I said, hoping that we could indeed stay working together and friends, even with this bit of new information.

4. Email

Over the next few weeks, things did indeed seem to get back to normal, with the occasional, and probably more frequent, innuendo and sexual connotation to comments and emails. Like if someone mentioned the word 'wet' or 'hard' or 'coming' in routine conversation, even in a group of people, she would look at me and smile. I couldn't ignore the growing sexuality of our relationship. She would forward me jokes that were suggestive and sometimes give me notes telling me what she was wearing under her clothes.

Just panties and a cami today...was one such note put into my pocket.

And of course, I immediately gazed at her cleavage which was indeed a bit more visable and a hint of nipple more than usual showing. She knew I would look. Who couldn't?

Marie was 5'2" tall, red curly hair and pale white skin with deep blue eyes that showed her passion and feelings. She came across very prim and proper, getting embarrassed at simple jokes and being on the surface, very innocent and the 'girl next door' type. But I was learning that there was a different side. She had a full chest and more and more started to attract attention to her curvy figure and subtly—even not so subtly to me—indicate that there was more under the surface.

One day when I was working in another office in town, she sent an email telling me about a dream she had.

I dreamt about you last night...want to hear about it?

Sure...

Well, it might get a bit erotic...my dreams are getting more and more that way...you ok with that?

Sure...

I've been reading some books lately...going to the book store and reading some things about what turns men on. And I think this is making me just so horny all the time. Still want to hear about my dream?

Go on.

Now I was having a really hard time concentrating on the work I was supposed to be doing.

I think with all the sexual energy that I've been having and reading this stuff and with what you told me weeks ago about your fantasies, my fires are fueled and invading my dreams. Mostly I remember them and I've learned to reach a state between sleep and awake to savor the dreams...still want to hear about it? I'm giving you a chance to decline...

It's just a dream and an email...which fantasies are you referring to?

The one you said about how you like to watch...

Oh yeah...go on then.

Ok...here it goes...briefly anyhow...

I dreamt that we were in an exotic resort, and late at night when the sun was down, I was lounging by the private hot tub, in and out, just relaxing and thinking what would turn you on. And so I was getting horny and you were gone running or something. I started touching myself and exposing my self, playing with my breasts first, then letting my other hand caress the growing wetness between my legs. I was hoping that you would come through the door and stand silently watching me do this and hoping that would get you hard and wanting to fuck me. And I made myself come somehow feeling your presence. And when I woke up, I was so wet and horny that I felt like I had an orgasm in my sleep.

Wow...that's pretty crazy...you've been a busy girl with your reading and all. What did you do then?

I woke my husband up and climbed on top of him and fucked him until I came.

I'll bet he liked that.

Sure did...didn't know where that came from though.

Just as the saying goes...doesn't matter where the appetite comes from as long as the meals are at home.

Something like that I guess.

So did you like my dream?

Sure did...very erotic.

Are you hard?

Yes...after about 10 seconds.

I'm very wet too...just thinking about this and writing to you...hard to type with one hand...

It's definitely easier to read with one hand...have had lots of practice...

LOL. Bet you have...daily practice, right?

5. More conversation

So that was the tone of some of our communications and emails. I was pretty sure to delete everything and delete again.

Then we began again, the very detailed discussions of our sex lives at home, telling each other about what we did. Again, the appetite being fueled at work and finalized at home. Rather a bizarre thing, to be sure.

"I let my husband fuck me this morning..." Marie began one of our lunch time discussions.

"Why did you do that?"

"Because I had one of those dreams again, and I felt his hard-on behind me when we woke up. So I ran to the bathroom, cleaned up a bit, and then let him inside me from behind."

"I'll bet he liked that."

"Sure...but I didn't let him come."

"That's not very nice...a guy gets sore when he's all worked up but doesn't come."

"Blue balls, you guys call it, right?"

"Right...ain't fun."

"Maybe I'll let him come later tonight, or perhaps tomorrow. He can wait."