After Jinky and I had been married about a year, she began to make gay references about me being gay. When I'd get mad, she'd laugh and say, "I'm only joking!" I remember she always used to squeeze my breasts, which were quite prominent, and say, "Wow, sweetie, nice development!" And then she'd laugh.
My feminine breasts had been a source of embarrassment for me ever since middle school, when we had to take showers after P.E. Once I matured, my body was basically a very feminine one. I have never had any body hair to speak of, other than my pubic hair, and many times my mom told me, "That ass does NOT belong on a guy!"
As far as my sexual orientation went, I began masturbating every chance I got after going through puberty. So far, so good - right? Not so fast. As I said, where the boys I had grown up with now began to look more like young men, that was definitely not the case with me. I would look at myself in the full-length mirror, and basically see a girl, a girl with a small penis. It was around that time that I was doing that and masturbating, when the idea came into my head to put on some of my mom's lipstick. I did it and got so horny! So the next logical thing for me then was to step into a pair of her high heels. Then I checked myself out in the mirror and almost popped a load just by looking. Because what I saw was not some little pimple faced geek, but a hot, sexy woman! Once I came, however, I was filled with embarrassment and self-loathing. Maybe I WAS a queer!
The one thing you did not want to be perceived as being when I was growing up was to be a queer. Queers were disgusting weirdos that everyone hated. So I would console myself by rationalizing that I was horny over my own image because I looked like a girl, therefore I like girls! Talk about convoluted logic, huh? The fact is, seeing myself as female was what was really turning me on. But I wasn't ready to accept that then. So I began about 5 years of trying to fool myself.
(Young blondie Keven had been hanging around with a bunch of guys who were a little on the wild side. He caught the eye of an older man in his 40s named Jay, who was known hang out with the younger guys in town. Jay was a light skinned African-American man in his early 40s. He lived in an apartment over the laundromat. He often had parties at his pad. Keven caught Jay looking at him all the time. One afternoon, when Keven had a little too much to drink, Jay had told the guys to just let Keven sleep it off over there. Later that night, Jay raped him.