She Tals to Angels

She talks to angels.

There's that melody again. It's fading in and out inside my head. It's the one that always makes me sad. I must admit that some songs bring back far too many memories, good and bad. Mostly bad.

Every single time that I hear The Black Crowes, I think of her. The line "she never mentions the word addiction, in certain company", kills me.

Sydney Bellows could have been anything that she wanted, but, in all likelihood, what she ended being was probably not what she expected.

We met many moons ago in what ended up being the easiest of ways.

I was standing at the designated bus stop for our very first day of high school. When she spoke, her voice sounded like she might have a lisp. I realized then, that it was mostly because she spoke to me over what appeared to be a brand-new set of braces.

"Hey."

"Hey."

"Are you going to Dear Park?"

"Yeah. You?"

"Um hm. My mom wanted me to go to Shroder, but after what happened with my brother, my dad made me pick Dear Park."

I had never seen this girl before in my life. I didn't know her brother or anything about her family, so I asked the question.

"What happened to your brother?"

"Overdose. They found him in the gym, but it was too late. Heroin." Her voice had lowered when she shyly told me the story.

"Jesus. I'm sorry."

"Don't be, you couldn't have saved him. You can't save anyone once they've tried it." Those words were ones that would haunt me for many years.

The bus pulled up and it was relatively empty but, she patted the seat and asked me to sit next to her. Who could possibly refuse that silver smile?

"Ben. Ben Parker." I held out my hand and without any hesitation what-so-ever she shook it.

"Sydney Bellows, but I prefer Syd."

And that's how it started. Syd was my new BFF. We sat together day in, day out. She was young, alive, and vibrant. All the things that made me love her. Inseparable was the word that most teachers and friends used to describe us. For three years we did everything together. At school, at my home, everywhere except her home. She had never extended an invitation over to her place, nor did she want me to ever drop by unannounced. She made that rule very clear to me.

From our Junior year until the start of our Senior year things went great. We had lots of classes together, and never failed one. It wasn't that we studied our asses off, but two heads were better than one and we always completed each and every assignment. Syd made sure of it.

To me, Syd always appeared to be strong willed, a leader and a woman. The changes in her, and in myself I guess, were gradual. So gradual that I didn't really notice them happening. But when I did notice, they seemed to have happened overnight. Though they were probably years in the making, I was blind to them. Finally, one day I opened my eyes and just like that Sydney was a woman.

My best friend had always shown great focus, she always got what she wanted. And if she wanted something bad enough, she had no problem taking it, and 2 days after my 18

th

birthday, she did just that.

We were in the basement of my parent's home. It was damp and poorly lit, but it was private. My parents never came down into the "dungeon". A sofa, some chairs, a television and an XBOX, was entertainment enough. It had served the two of us very well over the past few years.

Syd had shown up to give my "belated" birthday present. It was the traditional bag of Doritos and a gallon of root beer. We watched something that I would never remember. But I do remember that I was distracted. I could smell the light scent of Syd's perfume and soap. It was affecting me the way it would most 18-year-old guys. The floral scent was strong enough that it was obvious she had showered just before getting to my house. Sitting in silence with her tiny body curled up into my side, I felt like the king of the universe.

After the third episode, I watched as Syd leaned forward and started going through her backpack. She was searching for something. When her pulled it out, the foil packet shimmered from the multi-colored lights coming from the television screen. I knew exactly what it was. I had seen them, but had never had the cause to use one. There must have been an expression of wonder on my face, as Sydney took over.

"Shhh." She put a finger to her lips and started to undress. The ratty sweatpants and the worn-out school hoodies did an excellent job of hiding away her natural assets. They always did. Sydney had a beautiful body, but no one knew it. She tried to keep it covered, and usually did a pretty good job doing it. Even when we went to the beach. As soon as Syd left the water, she would wrap herself up in a towel. So, it was a very big deal when she lifted off her top for me.

Her pale skin appeared to get goosebumps as she shivered from the sudden rush of excitement and the chill of the night air.

Syd's breasts looked way bigger when they were naked in front of me. Large pink areolas and smallish nipples adorned her luscious mounds. I was amazed by now the flesh of her boobs stood out against the bones of her skinny ribcage.

"Touch me, Ben."

Touch her? It was honestly taking everything in my power not to explode from the feel of her legs touching mine.

The very first sexual experience of my short life was about to happen. I could feel my hand trembling as I cupped the under part of her soft flesh. I lifted gently, almost as if trying to guess their weight. When my hand touched her, I watched her nipples double in size and hardness.

"You can suck one, if you want."

"Just one?"

"Really Ben? Keep being a funny guy, and I'll put them away."

When the nipple entered my mouth, I recall that it tasted of flowery soap. It was hard and clean, and I will remember that moment, along with many others from that night, for the rest of my life.

Her legs straddled me. Each of her thin thighs felt warm as they squeezed the outer portions of my legs. Fumbling with my belt, she loosened my pants and unintentionally, clawed my skin. She was trying to release me from the pent-up confines of my underwear.

My mouth had engulfed as much of her breast as it could, while my hands cupped her panty covered ass, as Syd used her hands to stroke the hardness she had pulled to freedom.

"Up." I lifted my ass as requested. Sydney's hands clutched my jeans. She stood and pulled them down in one smooth, fluid motion, only to drop them in a ball at our feet.

Mesmerized, I watched as her panties slid down her smooth legs and landed on the pile that my discarded pants and underwear made on the floor. I was staring at her hard, tight ass and the furry "V" that was covering her most private of parts.

The silver foil package didn't stand a chance against the perfectly straight teeth that was attacking it. Long ago had the braces disappeared, but the success of their work was very evident.

Sydney placed the rolled-up condom on the head of my rock-hard shaft and used both of her shaking hands, she fumbled to roll the protection down until it was safely in place.

Later, when I would dream about Syd, the ones that didn't make me cry were of this moment. Her warm body snuggling up to me in the straddled position. Her full lips kissing me, giving me a taste of root beer in my mouth, as she aligned me to her opening and sat back. I watched in wonderment as I sank into the glory of her furry hole. The sensation was almost indescribable, but I knew that it was the best that thing that I had ever felt. It was by far, way better than anything I could have even imagined. The silky feel as my penis entered and exited. The way her lips circled and hugged my shaft as she rode me. The way it moved. How much it felt alive. Alive and working its magic on me. A wet clamping vise of flesh, trying to milk me. Every and any movement could have been the one that would push me over the edge. My lips found their way back to Syd's nipples, and my hands clamped tightly to her ass.

With the sensual motions of her hips. The warm wetness of her tight gripping vagina. Accompanied by the visual beauty of her face, breasts and belly were more than enough to put me into sensory overload.

I wanted to speak. I wanted to tell her how much I loved what she was doing to me. How she was changing my life forever. How good it felt. How my life would never be the same when she finished with me. How much I loved her. But I didn't know what to say or do. I just watched. I watched in amazement as I moved within her. I watched as it pulled out covered with a slime that it had never before seen. I watched as I pushed back in and pushed her lips and some of the hair around the opening was with it. I could feel myself throbbing. I was going to cum, and for the very first time in my life, someone else was making me do it.

My breathing deepened. It was all I could do to get oxygen into my lungs. I could feel something building. A tightening in my scrotum. A pressure buildup. Something consuming me. My grip on Sydney's ass held her tighter and tighter.

"Syd..."

"Do it Ben. It's okay."

For the first time in my life, my load of cum was filling something other than a t-shirt, sock or tissue.

A tear dripped down my cheek as she kissed me. I knew that it wasn't mine. I was far to happy for it to be mine. I had just lost my virginity to the girl that I knew I loved. One that I assumed, loved me. My best friend. My girlfriend? But something about what had just happened had made her sad.

"I'm sorry Syd. What did I do wrong?"

Lifting herself up and off of my still erect penis, she kissed me again. "Nothing Ben, you did everything the way that it is supposed to be done." Dressing in front of me, she was the most beautiful creature that I could imagine. Still, I could feel that something that wasn't right, and it broke my heart to see her sad. "I have to go. See you tomorrow?"

"Syd. Stay with me for a while. Please."

"I can't."

"Syd..."

"Yeah."

"I love you."

"I know you do Ben."

I watched her backpack flopping as she jogged up the basement stairs and out the door. What should have been a great night for 2 young lovers, wasn't. It was for me, but for reasons that didn't come to me immediately, I wondered why it wasn't for Syd. And it wasn't until hours later that I realized what it was. In a very special moment, I had lost my virginity tonight, Syd had not. She was only 6-months older than I was, but hers had already been taken from her. But, when, where, and by whom? We spent almost every minute of our lives together, and she had never mentioned it to me.

After that night in my basement, I thought that Syd would always be with me. We would go away to college together. Get great jobs, travel the globe, get married, buy a house, have kids and grow old together. Somewhere along the way, that all changed. I constantly re-live the night that it did. It plays over and over again in my head like it's a nightmare.

Graduation was only a month away, and with things starting to wind down, more and more parties started popping up. At first, I found it funny when Syd would get drunk. We would spend the night in my basement or in the park. Occasionally we would have sex, and I would always take care of her. Sometimes the sex got to be a distraction in our relationship. Almost as if Sydney felt obligated to do the things that we did. I never pressured her, but like any red-blooded 18-year old guy, I didn't say no. I loved the blow jobs and I loved having sex with her. I wanted to learn. I wanted it all. But things didn't get any better.

With every hangover, Syd would always claim that it was the last time that it would ever happen. Never again was she going to overindulge in alcohol, but she always did. Lots. Then she started partying with some light drugs. Mostly weed, but sometimes other things that I didn't know about. The drunken parties and the hangovers became more frequent and lasted longer.

It came to a point where I refused to go to another party. I was tired of it. Tired of it all. Well, I wasn't tired of the sex or her company. I was just tired of the aftermath and the shitshow that always followed. She always pleaded with me to go. She played the girlfriend card. She played every card in the deck. She offered everything except what I wanted. She always saved the best for last. Offers of sex were put on the table I wanted that, but I wouldn't go with her unless she promised not to drink. Syd wouldn't or couldn't commit to my request and ended up going to a few parties without me. The debate in my head was always the same, should I go and babysit her, while the other side said that maybe if she knew that I wasn't going to carry her home, she would behave. That was never the case.

My phone pinged sometime after midnight. I assumed that it would be from Syd. I was hoping that she had left the party and wanted to meet or maybe she wanted to apologize for the argument and going to a party without me. Maybe she was asking for a ride home. That also wasn't the case.

The text was from a school friend.

"Sydney's all fucked up. You need to get her outta here. Now!"

As Syd had told me, this was the party to end all parties. It was going to be huge. So, I assumed that she had once again, had too much to drink.

I wish that it had only been that simple.

The party was big. There were plenty of people there that were strangers and those that knew me seemed to shy away from me when I entered any room. I looked everywhere for her. I thought that the best place to start would be in the kitchen where the bar was set up. No luck. Lots of drunks. Lots of people smoking weed, but no Sydney.

A feeling in my gut told that I was too late. Way too late, but for what. I must have had a weird look in my eyes because a girl that I had known for many years pointed her finger down the hall. A group of guys stood around the door to what appeared to be a bedroom. These weren't any guys from my school, at least none that I recognized.

The smoke-filled hall was not from weed. It had a different smoke, very unfamiliar. Something that I had never smelled before.

"She used a needle..." The girl who had pointed her finger was standing behind me. "plus we think she's smoking something bad all night with all those guys."

"What." My voice crackled with despair.

"Sydney's in there. She's smoking meth or crack or something, with a bunch of guys."

Only she wasn't. Her time for smoking had long come and gone. Now she was passed out in a drug addled stupor. The girl that I thought of as my girlfriend was naked on a bed, next to another girl in the same state as her. They were both passed out while a number of guys stood around them with their cocks hanging out. Having just had their turn on one of them or they were waiting in line to be next. Even in the dim light and the haze of the smoke-filled room, I could see that Sydney was a cummy mess. It was on every part of her. Her face and her tits were covered, while her pussy oozed the white, sticky goop.

The numbers were too lopsided. I tried. I tried right up until the bitter end, I tried. But I just couldn't do anything against that many. The call to 911 started the shitshow. Multiple cop cars showed up with their lights flashing. The place was surrounded. No one in or out.

A few people were taken away in ambulances, Sydney being one of them. Lots and lot of charges were handed out. Drugs, underage drinking, assault, but not one rape charge. Every one of the guys involved, said that the girls gave it up freely for the booze and drugs. Even the bystanders agreed.

I will never forget the sight of Sydney's zombie like body being pulled across the room on a stretcher, with the IV drip in her arm. It would be the final image of her and the last time that I would see her for almost 24 months.

There was no contact between us. I tried everything and everyone. Nobody had seen her. No one had heard from her, nor did they know where she was. Sydney had disappeared from the face of the earth, and I was a lost, a heartbroken puppy.

The end of my high school days I would not be what I would call memorable. The news of the party travelled fast. Up until the last day of school people walked past me with their head hung low. As if they were ashamed to look at me. I heard the whispers. I heard everything that was said about Syd and about me. My saving grace was that for the last few days all of my teachers excused me from class. I didn't even bother with graduation, opting to have my diploma mailed to me.

College wasn't what I had hoped for. I mean it was exactly what I had expected, but not what I wanted. I wanted to share it with Sydney, like we had planned, but that wasn't to be. I was stuck in a large cold atmosphere and every day I couldn't help but wonder how she was.

My attempts at contact continued until I called her number and received a "no longer in-service message", it hurt so much that I listened to the message over and over again until it burned a hole in my eardrum. I would call home and ask my mom if she'd had heard anything, or if she'd seen her anywhere, and I always got the same answer, "no". Sometime later, my father would tell me what they had heard, and they thought they were protecting me by not passing on the information.

The first year of school I only came home for Christmas. It was 5 fast days with family. That summer, I did some volunteer work down south. Opting to spend my time sweating to death on a shitty island, rather than relaxing at home in Ohio.

My second year was better. Things had changed for me. I had put some of my past pain to rest. My memories of Syd were still with me, but they no longer haunted my dreams. I came home for Thanksgiving and Christmas. Spent far too many hours eating and watching football. And when I drove home for reading week in the spring, I was back to normal and thought nothing of it.

After too much time behind the screen of a laptop and the screen of a television I chose to go for a workout on Wednesday morning. There is a boxing gym not far from where I live. It is a grass roots, blood sweat and tears kind of workout. It was exactly what was needed. I couldn't recall the last time that I'd been to a true gym and this one definitely didn't have any icy cucumber water for the patrons.

"Parker. What the fuck brings you here? You still boxing?"

"Jonesy. Nah. Well, I spar a bit at school. But no real bouts. You."

"Hell, no. I'm on a golf scholarship. If they even knew that I stepped foot in a ring, they'd toss me. Sure, as shit."

We had a laugh and put on some head gear. 5 rounds full out did us a world of good. School mates since grade 4, it was good to catch up.

"So, Parker, how long you home for?"

"Next Monday morning. No classes until Tuesday. So, I'll head out early Monday morning. You?"

"Fly out Sunday night. You feel like grabbing a beer somewhere."

"Sure. My house. Play some X."

"Screw that. Let's go out. We're 20 man. Nobody's gonna card us. Specially not with all this scruff on your face." Paul Jones reached over and rubbed his finger over my 4-day old growth and made it look like he was touching course sandpaper. "I'll pick you up at 9 o'clock."

Ripped jeans, a new Dickies t-shirt and my old man's leather Bengals jacket, I looked 21. I was feeling good when Jonesy rolled up shortly after 9 and we headed out.

A couple of old friends out for a night on the town, what could go wrong? The answer to that wasn't very far away.

When we pulled into the overly lit parking lot, I knew where we were. Hell, the neon lights and obscenely large amount of signage was enough to let anyone know where they were. I just had never thought about going to a place like this before.

The bouncer put his massive hand out and stopped us at the door, and I thought that we were fucked. If he asked for ID and had at least a grade 3 math, he'd be able to figure out that we were about 10 or 11 months shy of being 21.